by Eric Vall
“Ah, yes,” the scarlet-haired woman exhaled. “I am the Chief Constable of Edenhart, Ortensia Payne.”
Millicent’s ghostly white eyes rested on me for a second, swiveled to Daisy, and then the petite woman raised her eyebrows.
“Daisy Browning of House Browning,” the brunette dipped her head. “And this is my consort, Charles Rayburn, brilliant scientist and doctor.”
“Lovely to meet you all,” Millicent snarked. “Now, to this bet, what are the stipulations and rules? How will we know there will be a clear winner?”
“I’m sure that Charles wouldn’t mind keeping score,” Daisy breathed. “He may be my consort, but he will be impartial, won’t you?”
“Yes, Mistress,” I uttered. “If it is your command, then I will obey it to the letter.”
“See?” Daisy smirked. “Let’s go by different levels, if all of us reach five beers, we continue on, then ten, twenty, and so on. If one person drops out, the other two will keep drinking until there is only one woman left. How does that sound to you?”
“Sounds fair enough,” Ortensia tittered, grabbed a chair, turned it around, and sat down on it backward. “I am a little wary of your consort being the judge, but it seems we have no one else to rely on… unless we used one of your guards, Millicent?”
“Nay,” The black-haired woman shook her head. “I don’t trust those idiot brutes as far as I can throw them. Who knows what they would try once I have a bit of alcohol in my system. I think it is best if we use Ms. Browning’s consort, though he may be a beast, I trust a consort more than a measly guard paid per hire.”
“So, ‘Dr.’ Rayburn,” Ortensia snarked. “Where did you study? I wasn’t aware of any credentialed university that admitted brutes?”
I wanted so badly to roll my eyes, slump in my chair, and groan. I’d been asked this question so many times before, and I was tired of hearing it. I understood that most ‘brutes’ were undereducated, hell, most of them barely made it through the crude primary schools we were put through during our adolescence, but I knew of a few other men that had studied the same way as me. It was true that most of them didn’t get far, and gave up before they got the chance to make something of themselves, but that wasn’t me, I’d strived for my education from the beginning.
“Well, you see,” I cleared my throat. “I am an autodidact, and--”
“I assure you that his doctoral credentials are in order for the subjects of medicine, science, and mathematics,” Daisy interrupted. “I’ve seen him do all three of them with the brilliance of a female scholar. Even this morning, he concocted an elixir for Ms. Josephine that would heal her hangovers in an instant.”
“Medicine?” the Chief Constable clucked.
“Oh, yes,” Daisy nodded smugly. “His physical examinations are very thorough, he had me wear nothing but a lab coat, and scoured my body for anything out of the ordinary.”
I choked, my eyes bulged out of their sockets, and I turned in my seat to stare in shock at the brunette beside me. I knew that she hadn’t meant it in the way that all three of us took it, but it was such a shock to hear such words slip from her sweet mouth.
“He… he what?” Millicent gasped.
“Ms. Browning!” Ortensia shuddered. “I can’t believe… No, I didn’t hear it, I didn’t hear such a foul mention of a disgusting--”
“I’m not sure what you mean,” Daisy uttered. “He explores every nook and cranny, probing deep into your body to ensure everything is in working order. What could be so disgusting about that?”
I reached under the table, tapped her hand, shook my head, and cleared my throat. The bear-girl swiveled in her seat, glanced up into my face, and then tilted her head curiously.
“I don’t understand what is so wrong with telling them about your examinations,” Daisy sighed. “You do such a good job looking me over for imperfections.”
“It’s not that, my dear,” I chuckled awkwardly. “It’s just the way… you’ve described it. I do physical examinations, kind of like a wellness check up that you receive at any primary doctor. Definitely no probing, or nooks and crannies. Just a few swabs here and there, examining the throat, eyes, and ears, you know, the regular things doctors do.”
“Swabs?” Ortensia echoed.
“Examining the throat?” Millicent breathed. “What do you examine it with, pray tell?”
Oh, science, it was just getting worse and worse. No matter how much I explained, they still were taking it entirely in a different way, I needed a distraction, and fast.
“How about those drinks?” I coughed. “We should probably get started on the wager.”
“Barkeep!” Ortensia shouted. “Three beers and keep them comin’! We have a little wager going on, so once you see one of us has finished a beer, bring us another!”
“It would be quite fun if the first person to drop out would pay for the whole tab,” Millicent giggled. “I once accompanied the Queen’s royal court to this enormous party, and her Highness wagered a bet just like this. The loser had to pay for all the alcohol served, but then, they were drinking shots of straight whiskey, and I am not sure if I could last as long if we were drinking those.”
“If it were shots, I wouldn’t be partaking in this little bet,” Ortensia chuckled. “I can do fine on ales and beers, but once it’s straight liquor, I can’t handle it.”
It seemed that the two aristocratic women had completely forgotten about my presence, but I assumed it was for the better if I faded into the background. If they didn’t notice me at all, they wouldn’t be able to see what I was doing to Daisy’s drinks. If they suspected anything at all, there’d be no way that we could pull this off.
I fiddled with the small vial in my pocket, uncorked it, and tipped out a small amount into the palm of my hand. I wouldn’t need the whole bottle, in fact, only a small sprinkle of the stuff would do the trick. I felt a little nervous, though, we could be found out at any second if one of the other women noticed my sleight of hand, but I had to admit, I felt a strange sense of excitement. I couldn’t help it, we were tricking the aristocrats right in front of their faces, and they had absolutely no idea.
“Here you are,” the barmaid sighed, set down the three tankards of golden ale, and then wiped off her pristine apron. “I’ll keep an eye on you and keep them filled.”
I hastily grabbed a tankard, dropped a little sprinkle into the top, and then set it down in front of Daisy. The brunette gave me a knowing look, grinned, lifted the heavy tankard, and then looked to the other two women.
“Let’s begin!” the bear-girl cried, threw back her head, and guzzled down the ale effortlessly.
Both of the other women’s eyes widened as they held their drinks to their lips, Daisy clicked her tongue, sat back in her seat, raised a single finger into the air and then waited for the barmaid as she rushed over with a second drink. If things kept on like this, we’d win in no time at all, and it made me unbelievably excited.
Each time Daisy’s drink was replaced, I grabbed it with the rim, sprinkled the tiniest amount of powder in, and then handed it over to the gorgeous brunette. By the time the other two women caught up to Daisy, the bear-girl had sucked down six full ales and was grinning wildly.
“Would you look at that?” the bear-woman snickered. “Ortensia is second place, and Millicent is third. You’re going to have to drink a lot more if you want to keep up with me.”
“S-Sh-Shush up,” Millicent hiccupped, covered her mouth with the back of her hand, and glared over the table. “I’ll catch up in no time, and I’ll beat both of you!”
“I seriously doubt it,” the brunette scoffed. “I’m already on my seventh drink… that’s closer to ten that either of you… Oh, Millicent, you poor thing, you look as if you’re already pretty tipsy, why don’t you take a break and drink a glass of water?”
“L-L-Leeeeave me aloooone,” the black-haired woman groaned. “I’ll catch up, and then you’ll be sooooorry.”
“Why don’t
you worry about your actual competition?” Ortensia snarked. “It looks as if Millicent will be dropping out soon, I’m the one you should be worried about.”
Daisy giggled loudly, took the refilled tankard from my hands, slurped it down with a smack of her lips, gestured for another one, and then grinned over the table toward Ortensia. It was true, the scarlet-haired woman would be our competition, but the Chief Constable didn’t know about our secret weapon.
As we suspected, Millicent was the first to drop out, but surprisingly, the tiny, child-like woman put up a good fight. The courier lasted until fifteen ales, wobbled in her chair, burped loudly, and then fell face-first onto the tabletop with a resounding crack. She laid still, groaned softly two times, flipped her hands up onto the grain of the table, and then fell silent.
“Told you,” Ortensia snickered. “Now, it’s only me and you, Daisy, let’s see who the real champion is.”
“I seriously doubt that, Chief Constable,” Daisy sneered. “I’m already at twenty, do you think you can beat me to twenty-five?”
“No, I don’t,” the scarlet-haired woman sighed. “But, let’s up the ante, why don’t we order triple IPA’s, Indraca Pale Ale, from now on? Those are heavier, with extra hops, and have a higher alcoholic content than the ales we’re drinking now.”
Daisy turned, gazed over at me with hooded, disinterested eyes. But to me, her implication was clear: would the powder work on a higher alcoholic content? Ortensia didn’t notice the unspoken question, and I inclined my head to the bear-girl, a definite yes, the powder would work on an IPA.
“Yes, let’s do that,” Daisy sneered. “But I will warn you, you’re not going to win, it’s best if you give up now, Ortensia.”
The red-haired woman ignored that last snide comment, lifted her leather-gloved hand into the air, and then shouted over to the barmaid.
“No more ales,” Ortensia instructed. “Give us your heaviest IPA’s on tap!”
The barmaid nodded, grabbed two clean tankards, filled them with ease, and then hurried over with one in each hand. I grabbed the tankard closest, gripped it by the rim once again, and let out a small amount of the colorless powder into the dark, hoppy liquid. I set it down in front of Daisy, sat back in my chair, and smiled toward my Mistress.
The bear-girl lifted the glass, sniffed at it, made a disgusted face, shrugged, and then sucked all of it down in a series of frenzied gulps.
“Disgusting,” the brunette gasped. “People drink this for pleasure? How awful.”
“They come from the small northern city of Indraca, hence the name, Indraca Pale Ale,” Ortensia hiccupped. “They have fertile soil there but long and harsh winters, I guess, understandably, they’d want something strong and hearty.”
“I much prefer a glass of red wine,” Daisy sniffed. “This stuff smells like tar and tastes even worse.”
“W-W-We’re in agreement there,” Ortensia gurgled, threw back her head, and then sucked down the dark ale. “I may l-like ales and some beers, but this s-s-stuff is just too much for my sensitive pallet.”
We were getting close, Ortensia was on her twentieth ale, and already was showing signs of drunkenness. We only needed to push it a bit farther until she was in the same state as Millicent. The poor courier laid against the table with her forehead pressed into the wood grain, and occasionally, loud snores erupted up from behind the curtain of short hair in front of her face.
I glanced at Daisy out of the corner of my eye, smiled softly, and then reached for her twenty-first drink, dropped some powder in, and then set it down in front of her.
“Hey!” Ortensia snapped. “Charles Rayburn.”
My eyes widened, my hands clamped into fists, my heart hammered in my chest, and I slowly turned in my seat to face the Chief Constable. Had she noticed what I’d been doing? Had we finally been caught? Anxiety rushed through my entire body, my eyes connected with Ortensia’s, and the scarlet-haired woman leaned toward me with her elbow pressed against the tabletop.
“Yes?” I asked. “What is it?”
Ortensia’s jade eye scrutinized my face, her lips puckered, and then she jabbed a finger toward my chest.
“Why does the Duchess hate you sooooooooo much?” the scarlet-haired woman slurred. “I may work for her now, but I don’t know exactly why she wants to ruin your life. You seem like any other brute to me, maybe a little more intelligent and handsome than the rest, but that should not matter for your kind. So, tell me, why is she always chasing after you?”
“I’m unsure how to respond to that question,” I uttered. “There’s a lot about the situation between the Duchess and I that I can’t tell you… or anyone else.”
“That doesn’t matter!” Ortensia waved her hand dismissively. “I don’t care about that stuff, I just want to know why she’s always on my ass to get after you. I have my own reasons and interests in you, but that’s because of my job. I’m paid to be suspicious of everyone, but… why does Edony want to take you down so badly?”
“I can only assume that it’s because of Charles and I’s contract,” Daisy broke in. “My consort broke his work contract with Edony to come and be my consort.”
“No, no, no,” the Chief Constable argued. “That seems too trivial, I may not have known Edony for long, but she doesn’t seem to be the type of woman who gets caught up in foolish gossip like that. She must have a reason why she hates you so much… but she’s a tough nut to crack, I just need to break through the surface.”
“Let me know, too, when you find out,” I joked. “I have no idea why she hates me so much, I only assumed it was because I broke our contract, and stopped working for her.”
“No,” Ortensia shook her head. “I’ve been around the duchy long enough to know that the Duchess has hundreds of contracts in place at a single point of time, and some of them fall through, but… she doesn’t seem as bothered by them as she did with yours. I may have come in during the middle of the fight between the two of you, but it seems there’s more to it than the Duchess is letting off.”
During Ortensia’s entire spiel, the scarlet-haired woman had slurped down two beers while Daisy had drunk three in total, already surpassing the limit they’d put in place. I could tell Ortensia was drunk just by looking at her. The redhead weaved back and forth as she spoke, her single exposed eyelid drooped, and her words came out moist and slurred.
We wouldn’t have to wait much longer, it was almost time.
“Ortensia?” Daisy asked. “You said earlier that you have some interest in Charles, what did you mean by that?”
The redhead drew back, her lips pulled down into a grimace, and she teetered precariously in her chair as she waggled a finger at the brunette.
“I can’t tell you that!” Ortensia garbled. “It’s my job as the Chief Constable to keep ssssecret things a seeeecret! So, sh, sh, shhhh. If I told you, I’d be breaking the Duchess’ trust, and I’d surely lose my job, but, I’ll tell you now, Daisy Browning, I don’t like Charles.”
“Why?” I asked. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Or have you?” Ortensia crooked an eyebrow. “I’m the Chief Constable, I know all things, everything you’ve ever done, and will ever do. There’s no escaping me. Oh! Do you want to see my scar? I know you’ve noticed it, and quite frankly, Ms. Browning, you’ve been staring at it all night.”
Daisy and I glanced at each other, shrugged, and then nodded in unison at the scarlet-haired woman. The Chief Constable hiccupped, burped twice, and then reached up with a leather-gloved hand. Her spindly fingers gripped the edge of the black eyepatch, flipped it up, and revealed her hidden eye to us. The skin around it was ruined with the soft scar tissue of a single, deep slash. The eye was entirely intact, but its surface was clouded and milky white with blindness.
“Do you want to know what happened?” the Chief Constable giggled. “I know you do, ask me, ask me!”
Though Ortensia acted like an entirely different person while she was drunk, and it made me
uneasy, I was still interested in hearing the story. It wasn’t every day that I saw people waltzing around town with eyepatches, not only that but with massive scars that peeked out from underneath.
“What happened to your eye, Ortensia?” Daisy asked, grabbed the last drink, and slid it across the table toward the redhead.
“A long time ago, before I joined law enforcement,” the Chief Constable babbled. “I worked exclusively for the Queen as the leader of her Royal Guard. Isn’t that impressive? Only the best of the best get accepted to be part of the Royal Guard, and I was the leader! You can only imagine how important and skilled I am, can’t you?”
“Yes…” Daisy grumbled. “You are very impressive… but continue your story.”
“Well, one day, we were accompanying the Queen through a parade,” Ortensia barked. “All of my women were stationed around her Highness’ carriage with me at the front. Next thing we saw, there’s a huge commotion down the street, people are running around, screaming, and fighting each other. So, we all get into position at the front of the carriage with our swords drawn.”
“And?” Daisy murmured.
“This huge brute bursts out of the crowd,” the redhead gasped. “I don’t know if I can even describe him as a ‘brute’ if I’m being honest, he was more colossal beast than anything. He towered over all of us, he had to be at least… seven or eight-feet-tall, covered in coarse, wolf-like hair, and these massive tusk-like fangs. I swear, he looked more like an animal than he did human, and that’s saying something about brutes.”
I glanced out of the corner of my eye toward Daisy, because what she’d just described sounded a lot like what I was commissioned to make for the Duchess.
“What happened next?” I grunted.
“The beast smashed through our ranks,” Ortensia gulped. “He tore most of my women to pieces within seconds, so there I was, the last guard standing with my sword drawn. He came at me, I rolled out of the way, ducked under him, and stabbed him in the underbelly, spilling all of his innards to the cobblestones. He was too injured to chase after me, so I got in a few good blows here and there, but right as I came around him, he swiped down at me.”