by A. Zavarelli
“How are you holding up?” I ask her.
“Nuh-uh.” She shakes her head. “I don’t want to talk about me. Tell me about you. How’s your mom?”
I glance down at the bedspread, and Mack sighs. “I’m sorry, Sash. Things seem to suck for everyone right now.”
I nod in silent agreement.
“Well,” Mack says. “On the bright side, I guess you’ll never have to worry about Donny bothering you again.”
I swallow the lump in my throat at the image of Ronan in that room with him. I knew what he did in that basement. Blaine used to tell me that he was missing a few screws. That he was all sorts of fucked up in the head and that he liked to kill people. I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t. But that’s what being a part of this life entails. Following the orders that come down the food chain. It doesn’t matter why or how. When the boss wants someone dead, they’re dead.
I can’t feel sorry for the loss of Donovan. He could have screwed me and Ronan both with the information he held over us. And if he was actually loyal to the syndicate, he would have. But instead, he chose to exploit my loyalty. He knew somehow that I would protect Ronan. That I wouldn’t let Donny give him up and make him pay the price for his actions. Because Ronan killed Blaine for me. And Donovan being the opportunist that he was, chose to abuse that from every possible angle. Holding it over me and threatening me constantly to get what he wanted.
But I never gave him my body. My mouth and my hand, but never my body. I think that’s the thing that pissed him off the most. In any case, I won’t miss seeing his face lurking around the club and waiting for his moments to strike.
“I’m glad he’s gone,” I tell Mack.
“Lach said that Ronan really made him suffer for what he did to you.”
I blink up at her, and a million questions drift through my mind. But I can’t voice any of them out loud. Thinking about Ronan’s motives only gives me a splitting headache and an aching chest. Instead, I choose this moment to seize an opportunity of my own selfish desires.
“Mack, I know things aren’t very good for you right now,” I begin. “And I know you’ve done a lot for me already…”
“What is it Sash?” she asks. “Tell me. I’m feeling about as useless as a sack of potatoes right now, so if there’s something I can do to help…”
“Well…” I hesitate. “It’s just that you have some obvious sway with Lachlan. And I was thinking maybe you could run something by him.”
“Like what?”
I look up at her and clear my throat. I’m nervous as hell, and I feel like a coward for asking this of her. But I worry that if I go to him directly he will just turn me down straight out of the gate.
“He’s been good to me,” I preface my request. “And I want to do right by him. I’m really grateful for everything…”
“Sash,” Mack interrupts. “Just spit it out, will you? It’s me. You can tell me anything.”
I wring my hands together.
“Look, my mother isn’t going to make it much longer. And when she goes, I’ll have nothing left here. I was sort of thinking about maybe leaving town. Going somewhere else, you know. Start fresh. I’d never say a word about anything.”
Mack nods in understanding and gives me a weak smile. “I want to tell you that I won’t ask him. But only because I’m going to miss having you around. You’re the only one of the dancers who doesn’t hate my guts.”
We both laugh, and it feels good.
“So you will then?”
“I will,” Mack agrees. “But I can’t make you any promises, Sash. Lach will probably have some stipulations.”
“I know,” I tell her.
I have a feeling Mack won’t be going anywhere either after the things she’s seen. But she doesn’t seem to mind so much. Her and Lachlan have something special. I almost envy her in that way as strange as it sounds. All I’ve ever wanted was to get out. But when I see the way Lachlan looks at her, I understand why she wants to stay.
Mack tosses me a knowing glance and follows it up with a sigh. “How did a sweet girl like you get wrapped up in this world to begin with, Sash?”
“I’m not sweet,” I deny. “And I thought I told you I dated one of these guys.”
“Yeah.” Mack shrugs. “But you never talk about him. In fact, you kinda get all weird whenever I ask you about it.”
I stare down at the quilt and try to steady my voice. I hate lying to her. But I have to. To protect Ronan.
“His name was Blaine,” I tell her. “He was five years older than me, and I met him when I was nineteen. At the time, I was working in a diner that Niall’s sister owns. I didn’t know that it was mafia affiliated.”
“I didn’t know you worked for Niall’s sister,” Mack says. “Lach has mentioned that place, but he’s never taken me there.”
“They mostly only go there for breakfast,” I explain. “Late at night, when they’ve had a rough night or whatever. I was working there part time while I took night classes. I worked the day shift, so it was only by chance that I ever even saw them. I was filling in for one of the other waitresses.”
“What luck, huh?” Mack teases.
“Wrong place, wrong time,” I reply. “The typical bullshit. That was the first time I saw Niall. He sat at the head of the table, and the way people looked at him, I knew then. His sister introduced me and had me help with drinks and food. I noticed Blaine staring at me, but I had my eye on someone else.”
Mack smiles. “Let me guess. Brown eyes. Tall. Broody as hell?”
“That would be the one,” I laugh. “He didn’t talk to me, so I figured he wasn’t interested. And in all honesty, I knew I should stay far away from guys like that anyway.”
“Our stories are starting to sound eerily similar,” Mack notes.
“Yeah, well, Blaine noticed me. And he didn’t like taking no for an answer. He kept coming back to the diner after that. He was so persistent that I couldn’t help being a little flattered. He brought me these crazy over the top gifts that cost more than our entire month’s rent. I didn’t really know what was happening. But eventually, I agreed to go out with him.”
“That sounds sort of sweet,” Mack says. “But I’ve got a feeling it wasn’t.”
“No, it wasn’t,” I tell her. “It was just supposed to be one date. A harmless dinner. But Blaine kept pushing me for more. I knew right away he wasn’t what I was looking for. I tried to let him down easy.”
Silence falls over the room, and I can’t find the energy to relay the rest of the story. The guilt and the manipulation. The threats and the games. I never want to think about it again.
“I think I can guess the rest of it,” Mack says gently.
“He got bored of me eventually and left town,” I lie. “And I thought I could get my life back. But then my Ma got sick. And we didn’t have insurance. I had no idea how to make the kind of money that I needed to take care of her. One night, Niall was in the diner. His sister had mentioned what was going on with me, thinking he might be able to help. And he offered for me to come and work at the club. He said he would help me out until Blaine came back. But obviously, he never did. And so now, here I am.”
“Wow, Sash.” Mack groans. “That really didn’t help at all.”
“How’s that?” I ask.
“Your story is just as depressing as mine.”
We both laugh again, and then a few tears leak out of my eyes. I can’t tell if they are happy or sad, but I’m glad that Mack is here with me.
“I’ll talk to Lachlan,” she says. “And I give you my word, I’ll do everything in my power to convince him.”
Chapter Six
Ronan
“One more minute.” Farrell glances at his watch.
I grip the edges of the tub and count the seconds in my head. Every muscle in my body burns from the cold.
“Again,” Coyne repeats.
I rattle off the ingredients for the bombs they taught us how to ma
ke. These parts come easily to me. The lists. Remembering things. I can do that. When the lady in the room used to teach us things, she always said I had good attention to detail.
Farrell nods in approval and then points at the weapon hanging over his shoulder. I list off the steps to assemble it and then repeat them in reverse.
“Time’s up,” he calls out.
I jolt out of the ice bath and nearly collapse.
“Keep moving,” Coyne says.
My movements are clumsy and awkward. But I keep at it.
“Ye did well,” Farrell says. “Now to the pit.”
I freeze in place and shake my head.
“And for that ye can enjoy an extra day’s accommodation in there.”
His words force me into action again.
I walk with Coyne in front of me and Farrell follows behind. They open up the door to the pit, and though my body wants to hesitate, my mind is already following orders. Before I climb down inside they give me another pill. And then they lock me in, sacrificing me to the blackness.
It isn’t the dark that I’m not keen on. I’ve grown accustomed to living in the darkness. It’s the uncertainty of what will come with it this time. Every month, I progress to a new stage of training. A new phase of uncertainty. And every visit to the pit can only end one way.
They’ll send another man down. Another man I have to kill. I can’t see them, and they can’t see me. But we both have only one option. Kill or be killed. I always do the killing.
And then they leave them with me. Sometimes for days. The rats come out. And the bugs. And the smell. But that isn’t even the worst of it. It’s the sound I don’t like. The ones I always hear.
The speakers come on, and I cover my ears before it begins. But it makes no difference. I still hear it anyway.
The screaming. An endless soundtrack of wailing. Tortured sobs. Crying babies. My heart is beating too hard. Too fast. It’s going to explode. And then it turns to ringing.
***
I wake to the sound of my phone and something wet against my cheek. When I open my eyes, I’m met with big brown ones. The dog I still haven’t worked out what to do with.
“What are ye after?” I grunt.
She head-butts my cheek and then barks. I shove it away and reach for my phone, only to have it barge in from the other side. She wiggles her arse and hops back and forth before flopping onto her back and flashing her belly at me.
The phone rings again and I groan as I bring it to my ear.
“Aye?”
“Fitzy,” Crow chirps from the other end of the line. “Did I wake ye?”
“You did.”
The dog barks again and I try to quiet her.
“What the hell is that?” Crow asks.
“It’s a bleeding dog,” I tell him. “What does it sound like?”
“When did you get a dog?”
“Did ye have a reason for this call?” I grumble. “Or did ye just ring to give me an inquisition?”
“Open your front door,” is his reply.
The line goes dead and I tug on a pair of track pants and a tee shirt. The dog follows me to the door and starts to have a go at Crow when he steps inside.
“What sort of dog is that?” he tilts his head to the side to examine her. “Is there something wrong with its wee legs?”
“Conor thinks it’s a Corgi,” I tell him. “Google said their legs are supposed to be wee. I looked it up.”
“What the hell are ye doing with it?” he asks.
“It was at Donny’s flat.”
“So ye decided to keep it? Do you even know what to do with a bloody dog?”
“I haven’t a clue,” I admit. “That’s why Conor feeds it.”
“Well it looks like it’s hungry now,” Crow points out.
“Is that why she’s carrying on like that?”
He shrugs. “What the hell do I know about dogs?”
I walk to the kitchen and grab the bag of dog food off the counter, scanning the label on the back. “It doesn’t say how much to give her.”
“Ah Jaysus, Fitz.” Crow laughs. “I don’t know how ye manage to keep yourself alive let alone a bloody animal.”
He grabs the bag and fills the dish on the floor and then makes himself comfortable at my kitchen table. I don’t have much in the way of furniture, but it serves a purpose. I mainly only use the place to sleep if I’m lucky. Though I’ve been spending most of the last couple of months on Crow’s sofa while I watched over Mack.
“I spoke to Niall this morning,” Crow says, getting straight down to business. He knows I’ve got no patience for small talk.
“Aye, and what did he say?”
“I reckon we came up with a solution for this whole mess. One that will get me out of hot water and save Mack from his wrath.”
I’m not fond of the tone of his voice. I’ve known Crow long enough to know when he wants something from me. And I’ve already worked out that this is one of those times. He got himself into this hot water by allowing Mack into the club. I told him the girl was up to no good from the get go. And now his promotion within the syndicate is at risk.
“You should throw her to the wolves, far as I’m concerned,” I tell him.
“You don’t mean that.” Crow stares at me in disappointment. He isn’t the only one. I’m used to disappointing others. But I hate it when they look at me like that. “You can understand why she did what she did.”
He has a point, but I don’t let onto it. She put him in danger. She put all of us in danger with her lies. I have no time for liars.
“Look,” Crow says. “There’s still a chance that Niall might promote me. He said it isn’t off the table.”
“Ye’re the best man for the job,” I tell him. And I mean it. I don’t lie.
Crow taps his fingers against his leg, a sure sign he’s nervous. I can always tell. He’s like a brother to me. Or at least that’s what he says. I don’t know what having a brother is like, but I imagine if I did, it would be like this.
“I can’t do this without you, Ronan,” he says. “If I’m to be promoted, you’d have to take on more responsibility as well. Are ye following me?”
I nod, but don’t reply.
He wants me to be his second in command. His left hand. I don’t mind, I’ve been doing it all along anyhow. But with him moving up the food chain that means I would too. Things wouldn’t be the same as they are now. He knows I’m not keen on things changing, generally. Only, this time I don’t mind so much.
“I’ve been giving that some thought,” I tell him.
“Have ye?”
“I had it in my head that maybe…” I clear my throat. “Maybe I could do some other things. Things besides just sorting out the clients in the basement.”
I stare at the table and don’t look at Crow. The room is quiet for a pause, and I know he’s thinking over what I said. Trying to work out my motives. I don’t really understand them myself. I’ve only ever wanted to follow his orders. That’s what I’m good at. But lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe if I take on some more responsibility, that it would help. That I could be worthy of something. Or someone.
“All ye ever had to do was say so,” Crow says finally. “If ye want more responsibility, I’m happy to give it to you. You’ve earned it, Fitz. But I just have to ask if ye’re sure that ye’re ready for such a thing.”
“I’ll still have your back,” I assure him. “That isn’t going to change, no matter the title.”
“I know, Fitz,” he says. “And I have a big ask for ye right now.”
“I had a feeling.”
“Niall’s worked out an offer with the Russians. They want three of our lads to take a fall at the fights.”
“You can’t be serious.”
That’s worse than death. Taking a beat down like that. All for a woman. I’ve never seen Crow do any such thing for anyone other than his mates. And now I know, he’s definitely gone completely mad.
; “I am serious,” Crow answers. “Rory and myself have already agreed. I just need one more.”
I look up at him and wonder for the thousandth time in the last two months if Mack’s still going to ruin him in the end. After everything he’s done for her. Sacrificed for her. I’ve never seen him so out of sorts. He’s putting everything on the line for that woman. It’s completely fecking stupid and also a little too relatable.
“You want me to take a fall for Mack?” I clarify.
“For me,” Crow answers.
He’s not doing himself any favors by using that on me. He knows I owe him everything. But he’s never chosen to throw it in my face before.
“You can say no,” he says quietly. “I’d understand.”
“No, ye wouldn’t.”
“I don’t want ye to do it out of guilt,” he replies. “I know how ye are with these things. They have to be on your terms. I don’t want to put ye in a situation that’s going to bring up bad feelings for you, Ronan. If you say no, I’ll understand.”
Silence falls between us, and I try to work out my feelings about this whole situation. It isn’t an easy task for me. I understand risk and loyalty. I understand doing something mad for someone. Crow doesn’t think I can, but I do. He isn’t clued in on what I did for Sasha. What I would do again even if it meant getting caught.
Now he’s here, asking me for a favor. My best mate. There’s no way I could refuse him, even if I had reason to. Which I don’t.
“Just tell me when to show up,” I say. “Ye know I’ll be there.”
Crow grins and relief passes over his face. He wouldn’t let on to it, but this means a great deal to him.
“Are ye certain you’ll be able to handle it?” he asks again. “I can’t have ye going nuts and killing one of the pricks in the middle of the fight.”
“I can handle it,” I tell him with certainty. “The pain never bothers me.”
Crow frowns and gets up to leave, but pauses at the door. When he glances back at me, his face is solemn.
“I can’t tell you what this means to me, Ronan. Thank you.”