by Vera Hollins
I fisted my hands, feeling an unbearable urge to hurt him. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
“You want to know what is wrong with me? YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!” He hit my headrest with his fist, making the whole seat shake from the impact, and got in my face. Only inches separated our faces now, and my whole body buzzed with a dangerous mix of fear, excitement, and expectation.
“I was never able to control these destructive emotions inside of me, which were screaming at me to release them, no matter how much I tried to shut them down, but when it comes to you, I feel fucking turmoil.”
Hayden’s hot breath fanned my face, making my skin hypersensitive of his movements and his nearness. I could clearly see the painful shimmer of his dark eyes, which revealed his tortured side to me.
“It feels like something is pushing me to hurt you. More and more. Like an addict who feeds on their precious obsession, their lifeline. I feel great, but then the darkness arrives, and it feels like thousands of knives cut into my flesh, again and again, ripping me into pieces, and there is no one I hate more than myself.” He looked like he was in pain, breathing with difficulty. “I hate myself for being this mess, for not being sure about anything. One day could bring me peace, but that same day could be my doom. I just want this fucking chatter to stop, so I won’t have to live in this hollowness anymore.”
Oh God. His unexpected words felt like a kick in the gut, revealing the great extent of his sadness and insecurity.
“What are you talking about, Hayden?”
“I’m talking about this everlasting hate. It spread toward Kayden. It spread toward you.”
My lip wobbled, a warm tear finding its way down my cheek. I glanced at the spot where his scar was, but I couldn’t see it in the darkness of the cabin. “Please,” I whispered. “Don’t say anything else.”
“I hurt you, and everything has sense,” he continued, ignoring my plea. “It’s justice because you’re a bad person, right? It makes me feel righteous.”
“No more,” I gritted through my teeth.
“But I’m like an addict, and you know what happens when the drug wears off. The reality hits you hard, and you feel like shit. And feeling horrible for hurting you becomes unbearable.”
I closed my eyes, hoping the sorrow would vanish, but he took me by my chin and made me look at him. “Yes, I hate you, Sarah. And I don’t hate you. I want to hurt you. And I want to keep you safe like that precious last drop of water in a dry desert.” His devastating pain was eating me alive. Hayden was telling me so much, yet the more I learned, the less I knew. Who is Hayden Black?
“You, Sarah, are my last fucking drop of water, my last salvation, and despite everything—despite this never-ending fight against myself—I can’t leave you alone.”
Something hit my defensive barriers, threatening to break them completely. Warm tear after warm tear rolled down, and I despised myself for crying in front of him again, but then he did something that astounded me. He brought his cold fingers to my cheeks and gently wiped away my tears, touching me so slightly that I could well be imagining it. His eyes traced the places his fingers touched with a raw intensity that took my breath away.
For a moment, I felt like him—feeding on that precious, horrible drug I couldn’t live without. Hayden was that drug, making me lose myself in the moment and marvelous sensations that permeated me and erased every trace of reason. I knew I had to move away from him, yet his fluttery touch snared me, and my heart crumbled.
This wasn’t sane. I should get out of the car and distance myself from him. I hated him. Why was this happening to me when I hated him?
I hate him.
Why can’t I move away from him? Why do I feel so warm inside when he looks at me like this?
Don’t do this to yourself.
He tried to kill you.
I couldn’t let him play me like this. I could never forget what he’d done to me.
Refusing to succumb to these confusing emotions, I pushed him away from me and unbuckled my seat belt.
“I’m out of here.”
I knew we were in the middle of nowhere, and going out at this time and place was crazy, but I couldn’t think normally next to Hayden. Everything was a blur next to him. Everything was confusing and twisted, and this ever-present sadness was crushing me.
“What? No. Don’t go.”
He caught my wrists, preventing me from opening the door, and my anger skyrocketed. “Let me go!”
I yanked against him, but he didn’t release me, and I yanked again and again... I was burning with fury, tired of him controlling me. I was tired of this emotional roller coaster I was riding the whole evening. I was tired of everything. I couldn’t take this anymore. The hot poison spread through my veins, and I wanted to hit something badly.
“Let me go, son of a bitch!” I tugged against him even harder, managing to break the contact, and pushed him away again. “Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare put a single finger on me!”
He recoiled. “Sarah—”
“I can’t stand being here with you!” I hit my fist against the window, embracing the dull pain that came from the impact. “You’re too much! After everything you’ve done, what more do you want from me?” Too restless to endure this a second longer, I reached for the door handle.
“Please, Sarah...” Please? Suddenly, Hayden hugged me from behind, as if trying to calm me down. He rested his head against my shoulder, holding me tightly, and the fierceness of his actions threw me completely off balance.
I stilled as I stared into the darkness outside, drinking in the warmth of his body behind mine.
He couldn’t be holding me like this.
“Don’t do this.” His voice was pleading, opposite of everything that was Hayden, and that scared me more than anything. My blood rushed frantically through my veins as I waited for... What? “Don’t go away. I... I... I need you .” Something clutched my heart, mercilessly crushing it.
And just like that, all my fury was gone, leaving disappointment in its wake.
I loved you, Hayden. Once upon a time, I wanted to wipe away your darkness. Now, after everything you’ve done... It’s too late.
“Why are you telling me all of this?” I asked, my voice unusually hoarse. “For once, tell me the truth.”
He flinched like he’d been burned, separating himself from me, and I turned to face him. The fear I found on his bruised face came like bolt from the blue. This was the first time ever that I saw Hayden looking insecure and lost.
I thought he would refuse to give me an answer or throw some insult at me, but he surprised me when he said, “Because I can’t let you go. I tried, but I can’t.” He heaved a long sigh and looked away, unable to look me in the eyes. “I want you all for myself.”
My defensive barriers finally cracked, and I couldn’t stop that intoxicating warmth from filling me. I couldn’t stop it from affecting my heart.
Despite everything, that warmth brought me back to life. It gave color to grayness, and it produced music for my ears. It was so wrong, yet I felt as if everything clicked. Every piece of this mess was in its place, and it didn’t matter that he was so dark. I felt a strong pull to touch him and color his darkness into lighter shades, ending our loneliness.
I understood now that not all of my warm feelings died after the day of Kayden’s funeral. There had always been a tiny flame, surviving all these tortuous days. There had always been a tiny part of me that was desperately hoping to hear these words from Hayden. It was like a dream come true or better yet—a nightmare—because he and I could never be together.
I wanted nothing more than to go somewhere alone, so that I could cry my stupid heart out.
He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve me. However, I was still giving him a piece of me. What a foolish girl I was.
I might still feel something for him, but I wouldn’t let him have it.
I let out a short chuckle. His eyes widened, as if someone sla
pped him. I chuckled again, this time longer, darker.
“You want me? You need me? You made my life hell. You hurt me in so many unimaginable ways. Tonight you beat Mateo and forced me to come with you and leave my friends, who are probably worrying about me right now. You’re always punishing me, controlling my life, and making me live in fear and misery. Now you tell me not to go away? You tell me you need me? Screw you, Hayden.”
I was shaking hard, but I felt good. It felt good to throw out this poison that circulated inside of me for so long. “I can’t believe you’re asking this from me after everything. You’re insane.”
My words sounded so horrible, so unlike me, yet they made me feel powerful. I was like him now—hurting others to patch myself up—but right now it didn’t matter.
“I don’t care how you feel, just like you never cared how I felt. I hate you. I feel horrible every time I see you, and I wish I’d never met you. You need me? Fuck you. You can go into some goddamn hole and die, I wouldn’t care.”
I was breathing heavily, seeing red. I didn’t know if I was angrier at him or at myself for letting those old feelings return.
He didn’t say a word, looking utterly broken. Anguish and loneliness veiled his eyes, which fully revealed his inner agony to me. His mask fell down, and I could finally see what he’d kept hidden all this time.
I didn’t know this person. This Hayden was unknown to me, making me question everything I thought I knew about him. Right now, there wasn’t even a trace of that powerful and confident Hayden, and I wondered if everything he’d shown to me before was fake—a facade.
He rested his head against the headrest and closed his eyes. Regret suffused me at the sight, followed by a nagging feeling that I’d gone too far. I was supposed to know better. Despite everything, I shouldn’t have stooped to his level. I shouldn’t have turned into my bully.
Maybe I should apologize to him and take my horrible words back. He didn’t deserve me, but hurting him didn’t make me feel any better.
I looked at him again, of two minds about what I should do, but then he opened his eyes and looked at the road ahead without any emotion, shutting down. The usual Hayden returned all too quickly, and my fear of him reappeared.
Remaining silent, he buckled his seat belt, started the car, and pressed the gas pedal harshly, which sent us racing down the road in three seconds flat.
“Hayden? A-Are you taking me home?”
He didn’t answer me. I put my seat belt back on, noticing his tightened jaw and pursed lips. He was gripping the steering wheel too tightly, which was another sign for me not to provoke him anymore. I already said enough.
I just hoped he was really taking me home and not to some forest where he would dump me or do something even worse.
We spent the rest of our trip in uncomfortable silence. Relief washed over me when we entered Enfield and came closer to our neighborhood because he wasn’t going to dump me anywhere, after all. He was taking us home, which increased my guilt for saying those harsh words.
I didn’t have anything to do during our drive but reminisce about his words, my reaction, and the revelation that my feelings for him didn’t die completely. I felt baffled and troubled with myself, and I needed some time alone to sort out my thoughts and figure the way out of this mess.
He stopped the car in his driveway, and even though I was more than ready to jump out and run away from him, there was still that uncertainty about whether I should apologize or not.
He turned off the engine, looking straight forward without blinking at all. “Get out,” he said through clenched teeth.
“Hayden—”
“GET OUT!” He snapped his head to glare at me, shaking. I understood now that he was controlling himself during the entire drive back home, and I didn’t want to play with fire. I hurriedly unbuckled my seat belt and scrambled out of the car, dashing to my house without looking back.
I fished my keys out of my pocket and entered the dark house that induced loneliness. My tears soaking my face, I closed the door and leaned against it. I finally remembered I was wearing a makeup, so it was probably all smeared and grotesque from crying by now. Strangely, I didn’t care. I couldn’t care when I was already sick with everything that happened in a span of just a few hours.
This evening was supposed to be completely different. It was supposed to be Hayden-free.
Instead, I was curled up in a ball on the floor, more miserable than ever.
After everything he had done, after all his monstrosities, I still loved Hayden.
Chapter 27
“I WANT YOU ALL FOR myself.”
Ugh. I pressed my fingers against my temples, fighting to get his voice out of my head.
“I want to keep you safe like that precious last drop of water in a dry desert.”
This was so wrong.
Stop thinking about him, Sarah.
It was easier said than done. It was late Saturday evening, and I had been trying to focus on my college applications for more than an hour now, but I kept coming back to the moment in his car when he said those words.
No. I should really stop this and concentrate on my future and college, which was my way out of here. I already decided I was going to ignore everything he said. It didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter that my heart worked against me, because I would crush these dumb feelings.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night, and I was more than ready to stay in my bed and spend the whole Saturday away from the rest of the world, but I knew that wasn’t the best or the healthiest thing to do. I was tired of wasting my days because of my bully.
So I got up early this morning, greeted by an empty house once again, and went downstairs to go on a much-needed jog. I was wondering how I could retrieve my phone from Melissa, but my quandary ended minutes later when my doorbell rang and I found one of the biggest surprises of my life: Melissa, Jessica, and Mateo were standing on my porch.
They had been so worried about me that they had decided to check up on me and come as soon as Melissa sobered up enough to drive. I almost fell into tears of joy right in front of them, touched and happy that I had people on my side at last. I wasn’t alone anymore.
We sat in my living room, where I told them about the car ride with Hayden, deliberately skipping the sensitive parts of our conversation. It took some time to convince them Hayden didn’t hurt me.
Mateo’s and my gazes kept locking, which brought me back to the embarrassing moment when we were about to kiss but got interrupted by Hayden. I knew it wasn’t my fault that Hayden attacked Mateo, but I couldn’t get rid of the guilt. Mateo’s swollen, half-closed right eye only enforced it.
“Can we talk somewhere private?” he asked me then, taking us all by surprise.
“Sure,” I answered and led him to my kitchen, extremely nervous and embarrassed to talk with him.
His face was deadly serious when he faced me, standing so close that I had to force myself to stay in place instead of getting some personal space.
“What is the deal with this guy, Hayden? Is he one of those people from your school who bullies you?”
Sheesh . He didn’t waste time, straight to the point. “Yes,” I replied, glancing sideways.
I was fazed when his fingers caught my chin and pulled my face up to meet his. “Did you tell us the truth? He didn’t hurt you last night?”
I couldn’t stand his nearness anymore, so I took a few steps back, breaking our contact and putting some distance. “He didn’t hurt me. He just brought me home, and that’s it.”
“Then why did he react the way he did last night? Why did he attack me?”
“I have no idea.”
“Why did he say he owned you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why did you let him take you away?” So many questions.
“Mateo—”
“No, seriously, Sarah,” he snapped, and I gaped at him, recoiling. Where was this anger coming from? “What is his problem?
Is there something between you two?”
“What? No!”
“Then what is his goddamn problem?”
“I know you’re upset because he attacked you, and I’m so sorry for that, but—”
“My anger doesn’t have anything to do with that!” he exploded. “I’m angry because some guy with serious issues is harassing you! I’m so angry that I wish I could smash his skull and teach him a lesson!”
I winced, taken aback by the intensity of his emotions. I’d never expected I would meet someone who would want to punish Hayden for what he’d done to me, which was strange and new for me.
Noticing my reaction, he scrunched his eyebrows together and took me by my hand in a reassuring gesture. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to scare you.” He let out a long exhale, running his hand through his curly hair. “I’m just mad at that prick.”
I offered him a smile, not quite sure how to react to this. I was happy that he cared about me, but I didn’t want him involved in this. I didn’t want him to cross paths with Hayden again, because if that happened, it wouldn’t end well.
“Thank you for this. Seriously, I... I have no words to express how I feel right now. I understand you, but I don’t want you involved—”
“I think it’s too late for that now,” he interrupted me, letting my hand go. “I’m already involved. I care about you, and I can’t just stand by while that asshole is hurting you. I said I wanted to protect you, and I meant every single word.”
Soon after our conversation, they left, and I spent the rest of my day in my room drawing and working on my college applications, but my mind was a traitor who wanted to keep thinking about Hayden and last night.
Maybe Mateo could protect me from the physical damage, but the damage to my heart had already been done. I was always thinking about Hayden, always calculating his every single move. I was never able to get him out of my head, but feeling even a flicker of warm emotions toward him was beyond dangerous and stupid. It would crush me sooner or later, so I couldn’t let this go any further. My feelings for him didn’t matter.
The art college would solve all my problems. I was so close. I had to endure just a bit more until I was safely away from him and all my bullies. I would be finally separated from the misery that was my life so far.