by Vera Hollins
“My whole life I was confident and mentally strong, and I did my hardest to be there for their father, but even that wasn’t enough.” She inhaled deeply once more, as if to calm herself down.
Why was she saying this to me?
“Their father and I loved each other profoundly. I was always his anchor and support. He had borderline personality disorder too, Sarah. And despite everything, despite all our struggles with his disorder, our love, understanding, and faith, he lost the most important battle. He lost to BPD. In the end, his darkness was stronger, and he killed himself.”
Chapter 29
“ BPD can be hereditary, but it can also be caused by some traumatic event. In Hayden’s case, that event was probably his father’s death. Then again, it can be my fault, because I neglected him, which could’ve worsened his condition. ”
I kept thinking about these words, even long after Carmen was gone and the evening came. I was all alone with my depressive thoughts.
I was appalled to hear that Hayden’s father also had borderline personality disorder, and that he committed suicide in the end. He had Carmen and his sons, yet he couldn’t cope with his pain, fear, and struggles anymore, lost and completely detached from happiness and love of the people around him.
Oh God, Hayden. He lived in the same world, facing the same demons... Did he ever think about suicide?
A searing ache claimed my chest. No . He couldn’t kill himself... Not that.
What was going on in his mind?
“Fear of abandonment...,” I muttered, remembering Carmen’s words. “Need for attention...”
“ I just want this fucking chatter to stop, so I won’t have to live in this hollowness anymore ,” Hayden said to me last Friday night. “ I was never able to control these destructive emotions inside of me, which were screaming at me to release them, no matter how much I tried to shut them down .”
I closed my eyes tightly, desperately trying to connect all dots and imagine myself as him.
The intensified pain, nothingness, feeling lost and unable to see who you are, terrified to be alone, everybody is your enemy, your life has no purpose, you can’t find any answer, hate... Hate, hate, hate...
Something crushed me on the inside, burning my chest, suffocating me, and I felt unable to breathe or move...
“ One day could bring me peace, but that same day could be my doom ,” Hayden said that same night.
You feel great now, but how long will it last?
I remembered the poem on the wall of his room again:
“I scream, suffer, and bleed inside; every single day is a tough ride.
It’s a roller coaster, and you’ll never know
what is like to be so high and then fall so low.”
You’ll never know, Sarah, what it’s like to be so high and then fall so low. One moment you’re feeling extremely happy—like you are on top of the world... And then extremely sad—like you’re thrown into an abyss... All alone... It’s a roller coaster, and you’ll never know how it feels when you don’t know when the darkness is going to hit you.
The memory of Hayden’s tormented eyes when he revealed his insecurity to me for the first time pained me. “ I hate myself for being this mess, for not being sure about anything .”
How could one person feel so lost? What made humans fall into such despair and feel there was no way out? How could our inner demons conquer us? Why was happiness too difficult to achieve? There were so many things that upset us. Why was there so much darkness, suffering, bleeding, hurt, and hate? Then, there were disorders, which chained people—labeling them—like they were born with some mistake, like they didn’t have the right to live a normal life...
My tears soaked my face, my neck, and my hospital gown, everything in me hurting as the ceaseless darkness enveloped me.
I felt a touch on my cheek, and I flinched, snapping my eyes open. Hayden stood above me, staring at me silently as he brushed away my tears. I moved my face away from him, breaking the contact, astonished he’d touched me like this.
“Hayden? What are you doing here? I-It’s late and the visits aren’t allowed at this time...” I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop, flustered because he was here.
“I don’t care. I had to see you.” My heart jumped in my chest, and I hated myself for reacting this way. A pang of guilt and sorrow hit me when I spotted a sling on his left arm. He could have died... He came to help me.
He was looking at me in a strange way, no usual coldness in his eyes, which now twinkled with soothing warmth. This confused me more than everything. He brought a chair next to my bed and sat down.
“How did you get in?”
“Does it matter?” He wasn’t taking his eyes off of me, studying my face like he’d never seen it before.
“Why, Hayden? You didn’t have to come here and—“
“Thank you.”
I gaped at him. After three years of his hatred, something as simple as thanks came as a pure shock. “W-What?” My stupid blush made its appearance. “What for?”
He blinked, showing insecurity, but he quickly composed himself. “You saved my life. I always treated you in the worst way possible, yet you saved me.”
I saw shame and regret on his face, but it was hard for me to believe this was real. All of a sudden, Hayden wasn’t that Hayden I knew anymore, and I didn’t know how to act.
My eyes were downcast. “You don’t have to thank me. How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. It wasn’t serious. How about you?”
“I’m okay too.”
“Look at me.”
I closed my eyes. “No. Please, go away.”
How could I look at him when my heart and thoughts were in a state of tumult? I didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. Mrs. Black gave me many answers, but I had more questions than ever. He had a mental disorder, and he needed to work on his issues, but where did I fit in? What was the reason for his hate?
“I won’t go away.” He touched my cheek again, but this time I brushed his hand away, opening my eyes to scowl at him.
“Hayden, I did what I did, but that doesn’t change anything. We’re still enemies.”
He grimaced. “No. It changes everything.”
“No, it doesn’t.” I frowned. “How can you say that?”
“You saved my fucking life. I was horrible to you all these years, but that didn’t prevent you from stupidly taking that knife for me.”
I blushed again. “It wasn’t stupid.”
“It was stupid, and you’re an idiot.”
I glared at him, irritated by his blank face. “So this is your way of thanking me? By insulting me?”
“I’m just saying the truth.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Do you have any idea how I feel having someone risk their life for me again ? Having someone die for me again ?”
My heart lurched in my chest, and I glanced at his old scar. His voice was filled with self-reproach and self-blame, showing me his desperation.
“I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve it. And of all people, it had to be you, whom I always hated. From the first day I saw you, actually.” I fought to keep my eyes on him, my pulse drumming in my ears.
“Please, I don’t want to hear it—“
“You need to hear it. I want to give you the truth. The whole ugly truth. After everything I‘ve done to you, you deserve my honesty at least. No more lies.” He drew a shaky breath, nervous.
“You were so fucking clumsy the first time I saw you. Do you know what crossed my mind when you fell?” His cruel words froze me. I didn’t want to hear him say another word, yet I stared at him, aching with anticipation. “I thought how pathetic and weak you were. You disgusted me with your weakness.”
I blinked back my tears. “Stop this, Hayden.”
“When Kayden told me he met you, calling you cute, I laughed at him. I told him he was stupid and had lame taste in girls.”
“Stop.”
“Then
you two became friends, and it was making me crazy. I was mad at you for stealing my brother away. He was my twin, but he gave you more attention.” The venom poured out of his words, slicing me deep. “I was mad at him for giving everything for such a stupid, weak girl. I observed you for months, trying to find out what was so special about you. I was revolted by how fragile you were. I was sick seeing you cry or whine.”
“I know you’ve always hated me. You don’t need to give me the horrible details.”
“But you didn’t get it then, did you? You were friends with Kayden, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t separate you two. But then, one day, you infiltrated my mind and intoxicated me, and I couldn’t get you out of my head. I realized I’d misjudged you because you weren’t as weak or empty-headed as I thought you were.”
The way he looked at me made it difficult for me to breathe. “I saw a new side to you, and just like that, I became infatuated with you.” Oh God. He was revealing everything to me, and it was too much. It was too intense.
“I actually wanted your attention, and then I couldn’t stop. I had to see you snap and break because that way I got your eyes on me. It made me feel like I was something more in your life. Something much more than just the brother of your best friend.”
Carmen’s words about their strong need for attention popped in my mind, reminding me of Hayden’s fear of abandonment and how strongly he felt all emotions.
I covered my face with my hands, crying silently, but he didn’t let me hide. He moved my hands away from my face and covered them with his own on my lap, his eyes fixed on mine.
“But after the car accident, I hated you more than ever. I couldn’t stand the sight of you. I thought you were the worst, and I blamed you for the accident and his death, so everything I did was in the name of justice. It was so twisted, but it felt right. It gave me the strength to continue living through the nightmare.”
A loud cry escaped my lips. His truth was too ugly. It was more than I could handle...
“Hayden, don’t. I-I can’t handle all of that now... It’s too painful.”
“I know. It’s too painful and too dark, but I want to tell you the truth. I was a horrible person.” He shook his head. “I am a horrible person. There is still so much hate in me, and it’s suffocates me. Sometimes, I’m sure it will never end. Sometimes, I fear I’ll completely give up and give in to that inner monster.”
He moved his thumb over my wrist in slow circles, creating a surprisingly pleasant feeling that distracted me.
“These last few weeks, whenever I hurt you, I felt even worse, and I couldn’t cope with all those emotions. It was too much for me, and I was so confused. I’m still confused. You were my enemy, but a day ago you saved my fucking life.”
He looked at my hands with tenderness that made my skin tingle, his keen eyes following every line. I wanted to pull my hands away from him, but for some reason I couldn’t muster that strength.
“I’m a mess. Even now, I don’t know what is happening to me, but when I saw you lose consciousness that night, I thought I lost you. I felt like I was going crazy... The pain was fucking ripping me from the inside.”
He lowered his head onto my cold hands to hide his face from me, shaking terribly.
“I’ve been so horrible to you, yet you saved me. I didn’t deserve that. Now, I don’t know what to do. I feel so guilty, and it’s unbearable. I need you, Sarah. I need you.”
I looked around me, unsure of what to do. I should push him away or chase him out of the room, but I couldn’t. Unable to stop myself, I brought my hand to his hair. He didn’t even move as my trembling fingers threaded through his soft strands, looking too fragile.
“I was so jealous of Kayden,” he murmured, keeping his head against my hand on my lap. “Actually, I still feel that disgusting jealousy. I hated him for always getting what he wanted—“
“Hayden—“
“As the older twin, I thought I deserved all privileges and attention, but I never had those. He was always the one who got everything. Our mother’s love, everyone’s attention and respect... Everybody only talked about him. They were always repeating how great he was and how amazing his future would be...”
I wanted to say anything to reassure him, but my throat constricted, the words failing me. For as long as I could remember, Kayden was the one everyone supported and looked up to. People were naturally drawn to him. Hayden was more the second choice than not.
Then again, it was Hayden who I loved. He was incredibly smart and talented in many things. He was loyal to his friends, no matter how much they argued. He was popular too because there was something about him that just drew people in, even though he didn’t feel that way. I loved Hayden with all his imperfections, but I couldn’t tell him this. I would never tell him I loved him. I couldn’t.
“I’d always considered Kayden my rival in so many things. And when you two became friends, I wanted to knock some sense into him. I hated that my brother had eyes only for you when you were so wrong for him. I was his twin, but he cared more about you than me—”
“That’s not true.”
“I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I thought he was blinded by you, and I hated him even more because of that. And then he saved my life and died, and my whole world was turned upside down. I didn’t know anything anymore.”
He took a sharp inhale, his hoarse voice and trembling revealing how upset he was. Suddenly, he raised his head, and my eyes widened when I noticed the tears on his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away.
“Did you ever love him? Tell me the truth.”
I felt as if something hit me in the stomach. His eyes were full of pain, and I was shocked to see him so insecure and lost. He let all his barriers down, showing me how insecure and vulnerable he actually was, and it hurt me to see him like this. I had no idea what to do or how to feel, but I couldn’t cause him pain now, despite everything he’d done to me.
“I’ve never loved him like that. I only saw him as a friend. I-I couldn’t return his feelings...”
Hayden cupped my cheek, and I held my breath, wary of his touch at first. It was so gentle, and I was quickly losing myself in it.
“I never knew what made me so mad about you being in love with him. It made me sick.” He removed his hand from my face, and for some reason, I missed his touch.
“This will sound ironic and unbelievable, but I feel guilty for everything I’ve done.” I flinched, not believing my ears. Did he really say that now?
His lips curled into a bitter smile. “I feel guilty for not doing anything to protect you. I wanted to, but I didn’t. When I read the texts you received, I didn’t do anything. I thought someone was just messing with you. I should’ve known better. I should’ve done something, anything .”
He fisted his hand. “I couldn’t sleep that night, and when I heard you scream and saw what was happening in your room... I was terrified. I ran as fast as I could to reach you. Fuck .” He hit his thigh with his fist. “I always knew Josh was mental. You and I were his least favorite people.”
“Josh didn’t like you?”
“Josh and I were never real friends. Sure, we hung out together and did each other favors, but we were always fighting. Since we moved in same circles, we acted like it wasn’t a big deal, but he couldn’t stand Kayden and me from the beginning. I get that he hated Kayden because of Natalie, but I guess he disliked me because I was his twin. I don’t know. I always felt he held some serious shit against me.”
Now I could understand why Josh didn’t hesitate to attack Hayden first. It was surprising to hear they weren’t friends because I always considered Hayden, Blake, Masen, and Josh as one solid rock—unbreakable. They all seemed completely loyal to each other.
I stared at my hands. He’d told me so much, but there was one question that burned at the back of my mind all this time, and I needed to know. Blushing, I asked, “What did you do with my nudes?”
He inhaled sharply and looked a
way, regret claiming his features. “Nothing. I didn’t do anything but look at them.”
“Really?”
He met my gaze. “Yes. I never meant to post them online or show them to anyone, Sarah. I just used them as leverage against you, but I hated myself for doing that to you. If it means anything to you, I erased them.”
“You did? But why? I mean, don’t get me wrong. That’s a good thing. But... Why?”
He just looked at me for a long time, musing about something. “Because I’m ashamed for taking them like that. That was a dick move. There is no point in having them if you don’t give them to me willingly.”
I observed him quietly, trying to take all of this in. He sounded sincere, but I didn’t know what to believe in anymore. What I thought I knew well turned out to be something different, and here was Hayden, who had come to my house to save me, confessing his feelings to me.
Confessing ? I still couldn’t believe this.
“Hayden?”
“Hm?”
“Where do I fit in now? After everything, how do you feel?” I glanced away, blushing furiously. “How do you feel about me?”
He lowered his head and closed his eyes, and I almost expected him to refuse to answer me or make a mean remark. Taking a deep breath, he looked at me.
“I thought a lot about our last encounter in the cafeteria when I was at summer camp. Before you hit me with that pizza, you had a fierce look in your eyes that was pure fire. You took my breath away.”
What? He swallowed nervously, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob.
“You were always on my mind during the summer. You finally fought me back, which made me furious, but at the same time, so damn attracted to you. I wanted to make you pay for that, but I also wanted you. It was totally confusing.”
The passion in his eyes reached the deepest parts of me, and I had to look away, blushing again. However, this time my face wasn’t the only place that felt hot. It felt unusual that he desired me.