Bullied

by Vera Hollins

  I’d always thought he considered me ugly, but now his eyes didn’t leave me as they grew more heated, and I felt embarrassed and exposed.

  “Please, Hayden—”

  “You’re beautiful.”

  Whoa. ”What?” I croaked. He smiled, and the sincerity of his beaming smile threw my heart into overdrive.

  “Do you want me to spell it?” he mocked me, and I winced.

  “Why do you always have to make me sound stupid?”

  He chuckled. “You get offended so easily. I really enjoy playing with you.” He was making things worse.

  “Just like you. You always get angry by every single thing.” His smile dropped.

  Oh no. Did I go too far? Would he snap at me?

  “You’re right. For as far as I can remember, every single thing made me feel insecure. I would always analyze them, no matter how small those things were, and try to determine if they are good or bad. I would reach negative conclusions most of the times. Even now, I keep telling myself I was so wrong about you, but that monster inside me is trying to pull me back into that darkness and hate. Sarah, I want to fight against it. What you have done for me...”

  He shook his head and sighed. “I want to change. I can’t keep going on like this forever. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking every single thing would break me down. I don’t want to hurt you anymore... I... I want to try. For me. For... For you.”

  I couldn’t do anything but stare at him, battling all these emotions inside of me. It hurt. His words hurt so much. How long did I dream to hear these words? How long did I hope that Hayden wouldn’t be my enemy anymore?

  Now, after everything, it felt too late. I didn’t want him to act like this out of guilt. I saved his life, but that didn’t change anything. Now I knew how he felt, but I wasn’t ready for this at all. He was too dark and difficult. How could I trust him? How?

  Even after hearing his truth and learning that he wanted to change—no matter how inconceivable it was—I couldn’t act like he didn’t terrorize me from the moment we met. I couldn’t forgive him for all the atrocities during last three years. He had a mental disorder, which was a fact that helped me understand our past a whole lot better, but his disorder didn’t justify all those cruel acts.

  I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forget the abuse he put me through. He did come to my rescue, but everything was too fresh and I needed time and space. I needed to be away from him, because whenever he was near me, my emotions got the best of me, and I couldn’t keep doing that to myself.

  However, I itched to pull him to me and hug him, overwhelmed with want, love, and pain. I closed my eyes, wishing things were simpler. I loved him. Even now, I wanted to help him. I wanted to give him the reason to smile. I wanted to show him he wasn’t alone anymore. I wanted his touch that made me feel wonderful and carefree.

  I want him...

  I opened my eyes and froze. He’d sat down on my bed, leaning so close to me now. His eyes burned into mine, creating chaos in my heart. My fast heartbeat was deafening in the anticipation of his next move.

  He leaned even further and claimed my lips with an urgency that stole my breath and reason away. I left my hesitation behind and returned his kiss, losing myself when our tongues met. He slid his hand into my hair and cradled my head, holding me tightly as he played with my tongue, going deeper inside, and everything in me became tense and desperate for more. I clutched his waist, responding to his rough, passionate strokes with my own. There was no holding back as we took more from each other.

  He moaned and pulled my lower lip into his mouth, sucking it greedily, and I opened my eyes. He was looking directly at me. Damn. His eyes glazed, he bit my lip and then licked that spot. We were both breathing heavily, not nearly satisfied and craving for much more.

  He placed my head against his uninjured shoulder, snuggling up to me. “This was something I wanted for a long time,” he whispered hoarsely. “I want to stay with you.” I closed my eyes as the pleasure and bliss dispersed and the old sorrow returned.

  I knew this was selfish of me. I wanted a taste of him, and I wanted him to make me forget everything just for a moment, but I didn’t intend to forget. Or forgive. I wanted this last kiss—this last illusion—before I finally let him go.

  A few tears flowed out of my eyes, a whimper escaping my lips. He pulled away from me and took my hand, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

  He told me so much tonight—much more than ever—but I still had a hard time believing him. I looked at the broken, tender Hayden in front of me. There wasn’t even a trace of the cruel, cold Hayden, and I struggled to understand everything he’d just told me. It was a hard pill to swallow.

  I wanted him happy, and I wanted his agony gone, but I couldn’t be that person who would help him with his darkness. I had my own darkness, and it was too much to bear. I was afraid it would just expand if I tried to battle his. The reason why Carmen’s words hurt was because I knew she was right. I wasn’t the right person for him. He’d put me through so much because of the hate, revenge, insecurity, and pain, and I was too fragile and hungry for happiness that I couldn’t be strong for us both.

  I had to fight my own demons and try to find my happiness without him. On my own.

  I pulled my hand out of his. “Please. Go away.”

  These words hurt more than anything. My chest constricted painfully, and I had to fight for air, ripping on the inside.

  “What? No .”

  I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “It’s too late. Please, go away.”

  “I know it’s late, but I’ll talk with the staff, and they’ll have to let me stay—”

  “No, Hayden, you don’t get it. It’s too late.” I willed myself to return his gaze, giving my best to stay strong enough to do this. I had to do this. “It’s too late for us. I can’t forgive you. After everything you’ve done to me... I just can’t.”

  His face fell, revealing utter sadness and insecurity. His eyes lost the light they had just a few moments ago. There was no tenderness now. Just raw suffering.

  “No. It’s not too late. I just told you the truth. I want to be with you—”

  “You can’t be serious, Hayden. You think all it takes is to finally spill the truth and decide you want me? After all these years of pain you caused me?” I couldn’t breathe. I inhaled deeply, hoping the burning pain in my chest would go away.

  “But you feel the same about me. You want me.”

  “So what?!” I yelled, the tethers of my self-control snapping one by one. I couldn’t stand him hurting like me. He was shutting down with each passing second, going back to that old Hayden, and this made everything worse. My heart pumped so fast, the pressure in my head hitting all-time high.

  We couldn’t keep going on like this. He needed help, and he wouldn’t be better next to me. I wouldn’t be better next to him. He didn’t deserve me.

  “My feelings toward you don’t mean anything. I can’t forgive you, Hayden. Before anything, I have to love and respect myself. And even if you don’t hate me anymore, you will always blame me for the accident and Kayden’s death. You tried to kill me, and that is something I probably won’t ever be able to forgive.”

  He got up and began pacing nervously. “Kill you? What the fuck? I never tried to kill you.”

  “You strangled me!”

  “But I didn’t do that to kill you,” he shouted back, fear clouding his eyes. “His room was a fucking trigger, and you were right there! Everything was the same, like on the day of his funeral. That was the first time I entered his room since then, and when I saw you... I just felt so much rage. Too much! I couldn’t control it.” He clenched his hands. “You can’t even begin to understand how I felt in that moment.”

  I looked at my shaky hands on my lap. It didn’t matter. Even if he didn’t really try to kill me, it didn’t matter. I just needed him out of the room.

  “Hayden—”

  “Look, whatever I did or sai
d, that was before. I don’t hate you anymore. I want you—“

  “It doesn’t matter what you want, Hayden!” I was desperate to be alone.

  He stopped pacing in the middle of the room, staring at me like I betrayed him. I needed him out of here. I pressed the nurse call button, hoping someone would arrive soon and get him out the room.

  “It was always about you! Always about what you wanted or what you needed! You don’t care what I want! I want you out of here. I don’t want to see you. How can you be so selfish? How can’t you understand that?!”

  My outburst only left me weak. Panting, I stared at him in dread. He was visibly shaking. Would he hurt me? Would he lose it after I lashed out at him like this? I couldn’t trust him. I always expected the worst of him, and despite these last few days and a few moments of tenderness, he was still that same unpredictable, dark Hayden.

  He was completely still and silent for a few moments, his eyes glued to mine. “Don’t do this.” I barely heard his voice. One tear slid down his cheek, and I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore.

  “Go away.”

  “Please, Sarah. Please. Don’t. Do. This.”

  “It’s too late,” I whispered. I would break any second. I didn’t want to break in front of him. It was killing me. It was killing me being so close to him, yet so far away. We were never actually close. We would never be.

  “Once upon a time, Hayden, I wanted to give my all for you. You lost your chance. Please, get out.”

  The door opened, and the nurse came in. She was about to say something to me, but she halted when she spotted Hayden, frowning in confusion.

  “What are you doing here? You aren’t allowed to be here after visitation hours.” He didn’t even acknowledge her, looking at me with red eyes, all muscles of his body tense. Everything hurt in me, and I was so close to losing it. So close...

  “Do you hear me? You are not allowed here. If you don’t leave the room right this second, I will call security and they will—”

  “No need,” he answered in a raspy voice. His teary eyes were still on me. “I’ll leave.” He spun around and stormed out of the room.

  The nurse approached me. “I came as soon as I received your call. How are you feeling?”

  I wasn’t even paying attention to her, beginning to lose myself in all the pain. Everything exploded in me, and the tears, hurt, loneliness, and pain made me blind and deaf. It was suffocating, pulling me further into the depths of nothingness, and the anguish was quickly getting out of control, taking its reign over me.

  I just wanted to forget everything and be free. I wanted to forget Hayden ever existed. I wanted him gone from my heart.

  It was impossible, though.

  He was in my core, and like a deadly disease, he was here to stay until the very end.

  Chapter 30

  I HAD A MAJOR BREAKDOWN last night, and the messages from Jessica, Melissa, and Mateo were the only bright spots and sources of strength this morning. The nurse had tried to calm me down, but I’d been far beyond gone, losing myself in the avalanche of pain after Hayden left.

  How could losing someone I never had hurt so much? I wanted to be far away from him for so long, but now I was seriously losing my mind trying to accept the fact that no matter what, we couldn’t be together.

  My heart wouldn’t listen, though. It ached whenever I replayed our kiss or his tender words in my head...

  In the end, the nurse had to give me something to put me to sleep. My mother visited me after I woke up this morning, but she was tipsy, making everything worse.

  Her daughter was in the hospital after she almost got killed, but that didn’t have any effect on her. She was the same old Patricia Decker, who couldn’t bring herself to care about her child. I didn’t know why she even bothered visiting me.

  Her indifference always pained me, and I could never make heads or tails of whether I was a good enough daughter for her or not. I tried to be as convenient for her as possible, but that didn’t change anything.

  As she stood next to my bed in this sterile white hospital room, barely speaking to me, I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever really loved me. She left my room shortly after she arrived, which only reinforced the emptiness in me. It was too much.

  I decided to focus on something else so I wouldn’t sink deeper into this surrounding gloom. A glimmer of hope perfused me at the thought of my new-found friends who were going to visit today, and I couldn’t wait to see them. At least I had them. Yes, it was fresh and fragile, but those fragments of joy could lead to better days. If I chose to be positive about this, I was off to a good start.

  Suddenly, the door of my room flew open, yanking me out of my thoughts. My breathing halted when I spotted Natalie, who looked like she’d had a rough night. Her long hair was greasy and unkempt, her wan face free from any makeup. What was she doing here?

  She closed the door and approached me without taking her dead eyes off of me, and everything in me tensed with the need to get away from her. She didn’t look sane.

  “What are you doing here?”

  She’d wanted to kill me, and now that Josh was in jail, did she come here to do it herself?

  “Don’t think you’ll get away with everything you’ve done.”

  Excuse me? “I think I’m the one who’s supposed to say that. Josh and you wanted to kill me!”

  She stopped too close to my bed, her hand clutching the strap of her purse too tightly, and the hairs on my neck stood up. “You deserve to die, murderer.”

  Despite my fear, I was livid. It was like everything she’d done to me wasn’t enough. She actually had no shame, appearing here and saying these horrible words to me. “You’re the murderer. You accuse me of something you were planning to do to me.”

  “With a reason! I loved him!” she screamed, and I flinched, terrified by the amount of hate she held in her. “You have no idea how devastating his death was for me. He meant everything to me! He saved me when I needed saving in more ways than you can ever imagine. If I hadn’t had him, I would’ve killed myself a long time ago.”

  I shivered, shocked by her words. Only now, I noticed how terribly skinny she was, her T-shirt and jeans too baggy on her small frame. She was wasting away.

  “Natalie, I understand that he meant everything to you and that—”

  “No, you don’t understand! How could you ever understand? You weren’t the one who had to see the love of her life look at another girl as if she was his everything. You weren’t the one who lost that love because of some stupid girl!”

  A fresh wave of guilt hit me, but I refused to let it rule over me. She was a victim here too, but this didn’t justify her lunacy.

  “You can’t possibly understand how it feels to lose the only person you will ever love. And I won’t be satisfied until you pay.”

  “But we’re in the hospital,” I tried to reason with her. “If you do anything, you won’t be able to get away with it. There are cameras and—“

  “I don’t care about the stupid cameras or if I’m going to get caught.”

  She was now maliciously hovering over me, and I had to figure out how to defend myself. I still felt a dull pain everywhere, and since I’d been lying for days, my legs were sluggish. I reached for the nurse call button and was about to press it, but she snatched it away from me.

  “You won’t get away this time, Sarah. That stupid Josh failed, but I won’t. I’ll kill you.”

  “You aren’t a killer, Natalie. It won’t bring Kayden back.”

  “It won’t bring him back, but justice will finally be served. For three years, I’ve been watching you get away with everything. I’m sick of you playing innocent, twisting everyone around your little finger. First Kayden and now Hayden. I thought he was smarter. I thought he would avenge Kayden, but after I saw you two kissing at Kayden’s grave, I understood you managed to trick him too. You managed to make him fall in love with you too, you disgusting bitch!”

  Before
I could react, she grabbed my neck with her hands and squeezed hard, cutting off my air supply. At the same time, the door opened, and Mateo appeared on the threshold with Melissa and Jessica behind him. Noticing Natalie, he dropped a bouquet of flowers he’d been carrying and bolted toward us. He restrained her all too easily and pulled her away from me, too strong for her, but she was still putting up a fight.

  “Are you crazy?” he yelled at her.

  She didn’t stop kicking, trying to set herself free. “Let go of me!”

  Melissa and Jessica stepped out into the hallway and called the nurses, screaming about a lunatic who had choked me. I just hoped the security would come soon and take Natalie away, who completely lost it, screaming obscenities at all of us.

  “You’re all so wrong! She doesn’t deserve to live!”

  The nurses rushed in as Mateo fought to keep Natalie in place, followed by the security guys. They grabbed a hold of her, mentioning that the police were already on their way, and dragged her out of the room.

  I gripped the edge of my bed and placed my hand over my sore neck, my adrenaline fading and giving space to intense pain in all parts of my body. The nurse leaned toward me and inspected my neck.

  “The doctor will come to check for injuries any minute. Do you have difficulty breathing?”

  I drew a deep breath and exhaled it. “No. But my neck feels sore.”

  She nodded. “Make sure you mention that to the doctor. You should rest now and try to move as little as possible.” She placed her hands on her hips, shaking her head. “It’s unbelievable that this went down in a hospital—of all places! Anyway, the police officers should arrive soon.” She looked at my friends. “I think they will need your statements too.”

  “That’s not a problem,” Mateo said.

  I sighed when the nurse left my room, done in. “Thank you,” I said to Mateo, unbelievably grateful to him and also ashamed because he had to witness this craziness.

  “When I saw her choking you, I thought it was too late.” He placed his hand on my shoulder with a gentle smile. “But you’re okay now, and that’s all that matters.”