Sonja interrupted their comfortable silence. “Max lives here permanently, huh?”
Derrick nodded.
“Interesting.” She blinked.
She closed her eyes and pursed her lips together. Steeping her fingers, she looked lost in thought. Again. “What’s on your mind?”
She met his gaze directly. The low light reflected off her bluish eyes, accentuating the silver. Her eyelashes fluttered, detracting from the deadly look she tried to pull off.
“I’m not sure.” She sighed.
The sound floated over his extra-sensitive ears, carrying with it emotions so heavy that they made him reach for her.
Their palms met and a single spark ignited between them.
He smiled.
She started to frown but her lips curved upward instead.
“You like that comfort, don’t you?”
Slowly, Sonja looked away. Hesitation to answer had a scent, too—not necessarily the best one, but Derrick could only describe it as how the color brown would taste if it were a food.
“Talk to me. If we’re mated, fine. I told you already, I accept that. But you’re trying to control a situation best left to professionals.”
“Best left to professionals?” She quirked a brow.
He nodded. “They don’t teach us how to be in love or have a relationship outside of the con jobs required of spies.”
She laughed. “You can’t really go to school for it either, I suppose.”
“No.” He continued stroking her palm with his fingers, letting his newfound emotions cycle through him so he could process them. Name them. And unlike the shit he forced himself to swallow for his country and cause, he actually began to find comfort in them. Especially the one that warmed his heart.
Her eyes narrowed, lips pursed together in a thin line he wanted to nibble. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”
He arched a brow. “Does it really matter?”
“Yes!” Her grip on his hand tightened.
His voice remained neutral. “Why?”
“Because this is my life.” Her voice rose in pitch and magic began to pour off her in slow, lazy waves. She spread an arm out and waved around her. “This is what it’ll always be like. We’ve done shows on the road and the musician life is hard already. Don’t pumas need steady homes? I can’t provide you with that. I can’t provide you with safety, either, Derrick.”
He shrugged. “I’ve never been an average man or puma. My home is where I need it to be. California suits me just fine for now, but it’s just a residence. It’s not truly a home. And on the note of your life, it’s not like I’m opposed to death metal or even you having groupies.”
She snorted. “Is that jealousy I detected in your voice?”
He smirked. “I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t jealous, but it’s not like I have anything to base distrust on. We barely know each other.”
“Which is why having a relationship like this would be wrong.”
Derrick started to speak, but shut his mouth instead. She had a point, but he couldn’t find himself caring. She would make any place he lived a home.
Her voice dropped, full of sadness. “Even you know it’s wrong.”
“What’s wrong about it? Tell me, Sonja, what are you really hiding from?”
The expression on her face changed so quickly that only Derrick’s puma senses could detect the brief second of agitation before her eyes narrowed and focused on him. “What are you hiding from, Derrick? Why did you quit being a spy?”
Those memories were hard to drudge up, but if she wanted to play dirty, Derrick had to decide whether he would play ball with her or not.
By now the only way he’d been able to keep her going on this path was to be honest with her. But his ghosts haunted him. He inhaled, exhaled slowly. Shoulders relaxed. The emotional trauma poured off him with ease; he figured it had something to do with her touch. That bothered him slightly, more like a blow to his male pride.
Derrick led a solitary life and felt fine in the shadows. That meant darkness and loneliness were his only friends. Except that Max told him earlier that he was neither a man nor an animal. And life left him with choices.
So far he’d rolled with the punches, let the choices come naturally as he made decisions with one goal in mind: peaceful serenity.
But he’d floundered on all of that by surrounding himself with material comforts and only an occasional fling that did little to warm his heart, let alone his cock.
All along, he’d chosen to be a spectator in life, reacting to the events that occurred around him, except when a mission went awry and he let the others in his camp die without being able to protect them.
Derrick leaned into Sonja, let himself feel the pull of her magic as it tried to take off the weight he’d carried for so long. He sighed again, looked into pain-filled yet loving eyes, and realized that he could have this moment with his mate. He could make this choice. “For the same reason you chose to confide in me on the first night we met, I will answer you.”
Derrick picked up the torch, relit the end of his cigar, and took a few puffs on it. The relaxation this cigar provided him added to the depth of comfort from Sonja’s touch. “My brother and I were working together. We’d been off radar for some time. There were people starting wars for profit in parts of the world so ugly, you wouldn’t believe they existed if I told you. The long story short is that we were ambushed, a mission gone awry. Things got heavy; the enemy started in on us and our information proved false. We had been betrayed, and because I didn’t trust my gut, I left things to chance. That chance landed my brother in the hospital, near death. And there were deaths of others during the ambush. I got out with a just few scrapes and some bruises.”
“And mental scarring.”
He snorted derisively. “Yeah.” Derrick tried to loosen his grip on her hand but she wouldn’t let him go.
“Keep talking.”
“That’s it. I can’t.” To do so would put her emotional state of mind in more jeopardy. She absorbed the burden but he had to be careful about how much he gave her. He couldn’t tell her about the pillaging soldiers who had betrayed their organization. Or the fact that many of them had infiltrated his employers and were members of the Anti-Shifter League. And that they had done horrible things to captured shifters in retaliation for them merely surviving.
Her eyes widened, began to glow.
Derrick froze. All the pain inside him swelled around, causing tension in his neck and shoulders. Even the puma inside him shifted back and forth, swishing its tail from side to side nervously.
“Close your eyes,” her voice whispered softly across his ears.
Derrick couldn’t help but comply.
The gentle touch of her fingers against his skin sent a shiver through him. Warmth chased out the cold memories while replacing them with nothingness.
He couldn’t bear it.
“There’s…nothing there, Sonja. Nothing.” His voice trembled with each word he spoke. Stiff training should have provided him the ability to deal with any sort of torture, but the sound of her voice carried with it power, pulling his thoughts from the locked gate of his mind to the forefront where he’d yet again be forced to face them.
He tried to open his eyes but couldn’t, not with her compulsion flowing into him like a strong river that swept away all the debris that was blocking his heart.
“You’re addicted to the pain, Derrick. It’s no longer got a hold on you.” She started to sing lyrics; the words embraced him as though they were physical, wrapping around his heart. In his mind he saw the puma, felt its heart beat rapidly. Knew how lonely it was. The burden it carried weighed a motherfucking ton.
“Talk to me, baby.”
He shook his head and tried to fight the compulsion to keep talking. It failed. His voice sounded scratchy. “I can’t give this to you. It’s not…”
“If we’re mated then you must release this. Give it to me, De
rrick.”
Dirty pool again. In his head, the puma continued to pace. Dark clouds covered the sky, blackening it and preventing an ounce of sunlight from penetrating them. With the earth shadowed now, the puma grew agitated and roared angrily.
The jungle beckoned him.
Derrick saw it as plain as day through his puma’s eyes. In gray scale, Derrick saw the leaves and lush forest, smelled rain on the forefront. A torrential downpour lay just on the horizon, bringing destruction, lightning, and loud thunder along with it.
The puma didn’t run from the thunder but didn’t like it either.
Odd that the human influence in the puma liked death metal.
The puma struggled to move but the unseen weight it carried bore down on Derrick, making him move slowly. Impossible to shake off, it seemed to strengthen him.
She’d hit the right sentence. Pain was the whole of his existence.
Yet the puma moved, took a tentative step forward, and felt the burden shift. Derrick scrambled to steady the weight but it threatened to crush him.
“You can’t carry this alone forever.” A soft female voice cut through the downpour that had started.
“You’re going to have to help me and be by my side if you want this to work.”
“You aren’t responsible.” Her voice filled with another heavy emotion.
I think I love you, but you don’t understand. The puma communicated the thought on a mental path. Then it ran into the jungle, only to find that it had no shelter from the rain. Water fell through the leaves, past the branches, soaking the puma’s fur.
It shook off the water and continued moving forward.
“Talk, baby. Why did you leave the spy game? Who are you protecting?”
“Max,” he blurted the word out unintentionally. “I was protecting Max. I let him down during that op, trusted some information rather than my gut, and managed to kill a lot of people who didn’t deserve to die.” Something stung his face, warm and wet.
That sweet feminine voice cut through the weather and wrapped around the heart of the beast. “You’re not to blame. You couldn’t know. Trust me. I understand.”
“How?” Derrick couldn’t understand, could the puma?
It didn’t act like it. Searching, sniffing through the jungle, it picked up scents easily identifiable as various flora and fauna of the land in which it came from.
Then it came upon a pride of pumas in a clearing. They were talking, murmuring as cats did.
Upon spotting it, they turned and began to pace protectively. Stalking it with intent to kill, the malice slipped around the puma but couldn’t quite make it feel the fear it should have.
Something held that fear at bay.
Was it Sonja? Had she accepted the mating?
The puma looked around but saw only glowing yellow eyes that burned with intense hatred.
“You let us die.” The cry from one puma wailed.
“You killed us.” Another spat words out in a growl.
The voices echoed loudly.
“No.” That female voice growled, this time with energy that pushed the encroaching attackers back several feet. “You are innocent; they are the ones that got what they deserved.”
That wasn’t quite right either.
But Derrick had no idea where the extra voice came from.
Rain poured down harder, the wind tore through the jungle, and all at once, the pumas facing him lunged into the air, teeth and claws bared.
“No.” The scream came from a source the puma couldn’t identify, but it startled Derrick.
Then he spotted a larger cat in the distance. Black eyes that held knowledge and power narrowed.
Derrick didn’t know the identity of the cat but recognized a familiarity to the feline that almost comforted the fear rising in his throat.
Then another fog closed in on the larger cat and Derrick saw only blinking bright-yellow eyes. When had the cat’s eyes changed colors?
“We set fire to that village in order to smoke out the drug leaders but they weren’t there. Only innocents were there. And an army had us blocked in our retreat. When we tried to extricate ourselves, Max and I both got hurt very badly. He spent a long time in the hospital once help arrived, and I…” He heard a strangled sound, only to realize it came from him.
Her power flowed from her to him and the cat, then back again. “I couldn’t help him. I’d grown too weak from blood loss to help my brother.” Another sniffle.
He suddenly found himself with his arms at his sides while soft hands caressed him, ran up and down the length of his back, and even plucked the cigar from his hand to set it in the ashtray beside them.
Soft breath blew against his neck, whispering tranquility into his ear. His body hardened. “Shh, baby, it’s okay.”
Derrick opened his eyes and found Sonja staring at him, her lips pressing against his forehead while her hands continued stroking him.
Something wet dripped into his mouth and he realized he’d been shedding tears.
“How about that, my baby? How do you feel?” The harshness disappeared, taking with it the screams of agony he heard only seconds ago.
Derrick heard the name she’d called him. Her baby. Should he press the issue…or ignore the possessiveness in her voice? He took another deep breath. Tears flowed steadily down his cheeks but he didn’t move to wipe them away.
Soft fingers pressed against his cheek, brushing strands of hair from view so that he could see Sonja, now sitting on his lap. Her arm slid around his waist. holding him as though he were salvation.
Her warm palm rested against his cheek. Derrick straightened, blinked, and realized part of the pain he’d held onto was gone.
Derrick felt like he could breathe for the first time since the op failed. He looked over her shoulder out the window, saw the sun set. Another day had passed and they’d been together. Even had a fight.
He snickered. To feel this good reminded him of a time he thought he’d forgotten about. One where he and Max were children playing and the world made sense.
Sonja looked up. “What?”
He wrapped his arms around her, loving the feel of her soft curves against his hard body. “Nothing, sweetheart. I’m just…” Even the tone of his voice had softened somewhat.
She cocked her head to the side. “Better?”
“Yeah.” He nodded and nuzzled her. “Did you see the image?”
“The puma inside you? Yes. Beautiful tanned fur covered it and its expression showed intense pride.”
“But the rain—”
“The rain always does that. It’s an emotional element, the part of this world that washes out our sorrows, takes away our distress, destroys and sweeps away that which we no longer need. Just as the heat helps to rebuild through a process, so does the water act as an element, a powerful force that issues change. You need a change. You can’t hold onto that shit forever. It will age you and stifle all growth. And I’m not about to let you hold onto it when I can do something about it.”
“Are those effects permanent?”
She shook her head. “I don’t really know, honestly. I’m not making you forget, I’m not blocking your memories, I’m guiding you to fix yourself. It’s what I do for my fans.”
His respect for her grew one more leap. Derrick tilted her chin up, pressed his mouth to hers. “You’re pretty wise for your age.”
“And you’re pretty hot for a beast.”
He chuckled. “I’m the only beast you need concern yourself with.”
The smirk on her face looked pretty sexy, he decided. “Indeed.”
He snickered again. Then Derrick glanced at the wall clock. They had to wait and that pissed him off. Nothing about this was going to be easy, was it? “No ring yet from that damn bear?”
“No.” She shook her head and sighed. “We haven’t heard from Max yet either.”
“That could be a good sign. We should go nap.” He spoke the words with more confidence. Urgency required them
to be at their best, prepared for anything at any time. He needed to protect her and she had to get back in touch with her normal life. Derrick swore to keep things like this away from her so she wouldn’t have to remain on constant guard. Having witnessed first-hand what she could do to someone, he could never give her up now. He stroked her hair, letting the silken strands fall between his fingers. Derrick didn’t know if the mating between them forced a faster emotional bond or if natural feelings were being developed; only time would really tell. Certainly, love played a hand.
“Perhaps a nap wouldn’t do us any harm. How do you feel?”
“Lighter. Better.” In truth, he felt just as he said. His shoulders relaxed, tension just seemed to have floated away. He moved gracefully, lifting her with him, only for her to giggle lightly in his ear. “You’re not going to disappear or do anything stupid on me, are you?”
She chuckled, fell back where he dumped her on the couch, and reached for him.
Loving the obviously satisfied smile she wore, Derrick fell into her embrace. “How do you feel?”
“No. I don’t have the energy to move after all the extracurricular activities and taking that weight from you.”
He thought of that instantly. When he carried her, he stood straighter, felt taller. That depression and anger had been holding him down and clouding his mind. But every time Sonja took from him, she had trouble with it. He pressed two fingers to her lips. “That won’t cause a problem for you? I mean do we need to release that energy in you somehow?”
She shifted one leg over the other, licking her lips. “I'm fine.”
Shifting his weight to settle in against her better, Derrick blanketed her body with his, felt instant warmth between her thighs, and wished he knew how much time remained before Max showed up or they got the call.
Rest would help clear the mind. But it couldn’t be all about Derrick’s needs. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do we need to even you out?”
Sonja lifted her head to meet his mouth with hers and pressed her lips against him.
He briefly savored the exotic taste of her lips. Then he moved back from her.
She offered a soft smile. “You let me worry about it, okay?”
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