It was then that I realized I’d said too much. I hadn’t meant to imply anything, but it was clear from her shock that she’d read more into my words.
“It wasn’t like a date or anything,” I hurried to explain. “Pastor Douglas invited me to the house…he called it a parsonage, after church last Sunday.” I hesitated before adding that I’d invited Drew to attend my graduation from Hope Center.
“That was kind of him,” Linda said.
Uneasy now, I studied the other woman. “I hope I didn’t speak out of turn.”
“You didn’t,” Linda assured me. “I’m pleased to meet you, Shay.”
“I’m sorry now that I didn’t introduce myself sooner.” I’d been intimidated…no, that was too strong a word. Hesitant maybe, daunted. Perhaps it was because she was the epitome of a good Christian woman who gave unselfishly to others. And maybe, again, it was because she towered over me. But then I suspected I wasn’t the first person taken aback by her dominating presence.
We chatted a few minutes longer, the conversation friendly and light. She learned that I would be graduating that Saturday.
“I’m working as a server at The Corner Café,” I told her.
“Lloyd and I stop by there for lunch every now and again. We’ll come by one day next week.”
“That would be great.” I couldn’t keep the smile off my face, pleased with how well our conversation had gone.
All told, we didn’t spend more than ten minutes chatting. When she left, I felt like I’d made a friend. Those were few and far between. Yes, I’d bonded with several of the women at Hope Center and those ties were strong. Linda, however, was a friend in the real world and I had shockingly few of those.
—
Saturday morning, a volunteer hairdresser arrived to help each of us get ready for the graduation ceremony. My hair had grown in the last year and I was more than ready for a trim. It reached just past my shoulders. I got French braids on both sides, and then pulled them up and attached them at the crown of my head.
While in prison I’d gotten out of the habit of wearing makeup, which I couldn’t afford, but for graduation I used a bit of eyeshadow and lip gloss. When I’d finished I put on the pretty dress I’d found at Goodwill. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I thought about the Taylor Swift song with the lyrics that mentioned standing in a pretty dress and looking into the sunset. While the melody ran through my head, my thoughts drifted to Drew. I wondered what he would think when he saw me. I immediately put the thought out of my head. I wouldn’t let myself hope that he’d show. I’d been disappointed before and didn’t want to set myself up for another letdown. It would mean the world to me if he came, but I wasn’t counting on it. As I looked into the mirror I realized I wanted to look pretty for Drew…
Stop. My musings screeched to a halt.
Not happening.
I put an immediate end to those thoughts. No way was Pastor Douglas romantically interested in me. The sooner I accepted that he was off-limits, the better for my mental health. Letting myself even consider romance as a possibility between us was setting myself up for a painful shot of reality. My goal was to be a wise woman, and letting myself fall for Drew would be foolishness in the extreme.
Still, as I walked into the room where the graduation was being held, I couldn’t help searching the audience. When I saw him with Sarah and Mark at his side, I couldn’t swallow back a smile. It was big enough to make my face hurt. My heart swelled with joy, an emotion I hadn’t experienced in such a long time that I was barely able to identify it.
He’d come. I should have known he would, and, even better, he’d brought his children.
As soon as Sarah saw me, she clapped and clapped until her father leaned down and whispered in her ear. Only then did she stop.
Mark looked bored. He wore a suit and tie like his father and shuffled his feet as if he would rather be anyplace in the world than here. Can’t say I blamed him. Later I’d let him know how much I appreciated that he’d come to witness my big day.
Dr. Kevin Forester, the director for Hope Center, started the ceremony with opening comments. Then two of the counselors spoke. My name was mentioned twice as someone who had worked hard to make the most of this opportunity. I couldn’t have been more proud. Because I’d given up the chance to graduate with my high school class, this ceremony was as close as it would get for me. I savored every minute.
When it came time to receive my certificate, Dr. Forester called out my name, “Shay Benson, a wise, confident, and trusting woman.”
My gaze shot to Drew and the children and I watched as Sarah slid off the folding chair and applauded as hard and loud as her tiny hands would allow. Drew did nothing to contain her enthusiasm. Even Mark smiled and straightened in his chair to get a better look at me as I stepped forward to accept my certificate.
As I returned to my seat, I looked into the audience. My eyes locked on Drew and he smiled and nodded, letting me know he was proud of me. There it was again, that feeling of joy, real joy. It had become an elixir, an emotional high and strongly addictive.
Following the graduation ceremony, the center had a small reception for the graduates and their guests. Drew and his children were the only ones I’d invited. Actually, they were the only ones I knew to invite. No way would I ask anyone from my past life to come.
As soon as we were free, Sarah raced to my side. “Shay, Shay, you look so pretty,” she cried, as if she couldn’t get the words out fast enough.
“Thank you.” I was surprised Drew wasn’t with her. “Where’re your dad and brother?”
“They went to the car,” Sarah explained as she hugged my middle.
I placed my arms around her and hugged her back. “Would you like some juice and a cookie?” I asked.
“Not yet,” Sarah said, grabbing hold of my hand. “You need to stay here until Dad and Mark get back, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, wondering what this was about.
Within a couple minutes both Drew and his son returned. Mark carried a large bouquet of flowers in his hand. He approached me with them. “These are for you,” he said, thrusting it toward me.
For one wild minute I was afraid I was going to tear up. I rarely cry. I’d learned it was a sign of weakness, and when my father beat me, any show of pain fed into his abuse. Blinking, I held back the wetness that gathered in my eyes and stared at the flowers in his hand.
Mark kept holding the flowers with sprigs of holly tucked into the foliage and looked to his father as if he wasn’t sure what to do next.
“Take them,” Sarah whispered. “We got them for you.”
I managed to croak out my appreciation and took the bundle from Mark, laying them across my arms like a beauty queen. “No one has ever given me flowers before,” I told the thirteen-year-old.
“Dad bought them,” Mark explained, his face reddening with embarrassment.
“They’re from all of us,” Drew explained.
“Dad went to Costco because they have the biggest bouquets there for the same money as the grocery-store flowers. They’re especially big because of Christmas.”
“I’m nothing if not practical,” Drew whispered.
We shared a smile and then I noticed Mark glancing longingly toward the table where the cookies and juice were being served. “Would you care for some refreshments?” I asked.
Mark nodded eagerly, so I escorted the children to the table. They each took a small plate and we all sat down together.
Once we were seated at one of the tables, Sarah looked at her father. “Daddy, see Shay’s braids? That’s the way I want you to do my hair.”
“Pumpkin,” Drew muttered and motioned helplessly with his hands. “That’s a bit fancy for me. I’ll try if you want me to, but I don’t know that I can do yours nearly as pretty as Shay’s.”
Sarah’s head fell.
“I could fix your hair for you,” I offered, eager to do something to show my appreciation for Drew’s support. I
laid the floral bouquet on my lap and couldn’t help glancing down at it. The flowers meant more than he would ever know.
The nine-year-old beamed me a big, toothless smile. “You could? When?” she asked eagerly. “I want to have it done like that for school. Could you come to the house Monday before I leave for class?”
I shook my head. “I can’t, sorry. I work on Monday morning at the café.”
Disappointed, her sweet, young face fell.
“But I could come on Sunday and do it for you and if you’re careful, it would still look pretty on Monday.”
Sarah turned to look at her father. “Can she come, Daddy? After church like last week. Can Shay eat with us again?”
Drew hesitated and frowned.
Rather than put him on the spot, I quickly intervened. “It would probably work best if I did your hair later in the day, Sarah. That way the braids will stay nice and tight until morning. Does that work?”
Again she looked to her father.
“That would be great. This is kind of you, Shay,” he said.
I wished there was some way of letting him know that I was the one who should be grateful.
“Can I have another cookie?” Mark asked.
Drew nodded and his son returned to the refreshment table.
“Kevin tells me you’re taking an accounting class,” Drew commented after he sipped his coffee.
“Yes.” I was surprised he knew about that. Lilly had encouraged me to use my evenings to broaden my education at the community college. My job went from five-thirty in the morning until two in the afternoon. I had reservations about taking classes, but I’d always been good with numbers, which was why I’d applied for a job with the bank.
“I’m happy to hear you’re looking to the future, Shay.”
“It’s probably an exercise in futility,” I admitted, “but Lilly says that I can’t let my past define me.”
“Lilly is right,” Drew said.
“Brenda Jordan, my case manager, has contacts, and she says she would highly recommend me for a position once I’ve completed the course.”
Drew nodded. “You’re going to do great, Shay.”
His confidence in me was reassuring.
After about thirty minutes, Drew and the kids announced that it was time they left. I didn’t want them to go, which was selfish of me. Drew led a busy life and I had no reason to detain them. I walked them to the reception area. “Thank you again for coming.”
“You’ll braid my hair tomorrow, right?” Sarah asked, wanting to make sure I’d keep my promise.
“I wouldn’t miss it. And I’ll sleep in mine so you can see what it looks like on the second day.”
The youngster nodded eagerly.
I stood by the window and watched them walk away in the drizzling rain. It wasn’t even four yet and it was already dark.
“He your dream man?” Sydney, another one of the residents, asked.
I shook my head. “I wish,” I whispered.
“He brought you the flowers?”
I glanced down at the bouquet in my arms. “Yes.”
“I think you should keep wishing then, girlfriend. A guy who brings you flowers is more than a friend.”
It was a nice thought, but I knew a romantic relationship between Drew and me wasn’t likely. Then I remembered that he knew about me taking the accounting class. I doubted that Dr. Forester would have volunteered the information. It could only mean that Drew had asked.
Sunday morning Linda Kincaid waited for me following the eleven o’clock worship service. Over the last few years, I’d come to rely on her more and more. In addition to being a tireless volunteer, Linda had become a sounding board and a wonderful help to me as a single father. Since Katie’s death, Linda had stepped in and bought Christmas gifts for the children, a task I found heart-wrenching.
Not that I avoided shopping. I actually enjoyed it. Well, for the most part. Shopping without Katie was what I found especially hard. Buying Christmas gifts was something the two of us had always done together. We’d looked forward to it.
Without Katie, Christmas and all the other important holidays had become just another slap in the face that reminded me I was alone. For the past three Christmases, I’d barely held it together. If not for Linda and a few others in my church family, I don’t know what I would have done.
This year felt different, and in a good way.
“I met your friend,” Linda said.
“Which friend would that be?” I asked as I finished checking over the deposit slip for that week’s contributions. Lloyd, Linda’s husband, was the one who counted out the money each week.
“That woman,” Linda continued, “the one at Hope Center.”
Just thinking about Shay brought a smile. “I hoped she’d introduce herself. The children and I attended her graduation.”
Surprise flickered in Linda’s eyes. “Really? That was kind of you.”
“She’s come a long way. I’m proud of the positive changes Shay has made in her life.” I was tempted to explain that finding Shay that morning in the church all those months ago had been a turning point for me, too. That meeting had reconnected me to Kevin, which led to gym time with the guys, which had resulted in a small group gathering with fellow pastors where we encouraged and supported one another. It’d been like watching a series of dominoes falling. One event led to the other.
“I understand you brought her to the house,” Linda said, and her eyes bore into mine as if waiting to hear if that could possibly be true.
“I did,” I admitted, surprised by the censure I heard in her voice.
“Is that wise, Drew?” she asked.
“How do you mean?”
“Is this really someone you want to expose your children to?”
Linda looked mildly uncomfortable. Knowing her as well as I did, I realized this wasn’t a casual question but one she’d been mulling over for several days.
Immediately my hackles went up with the need to defend my decision. “Shay has been nothing but wonderful with my children. I’m surprised at you, Linda. I would hope you wouldn’t prejudge someone by their past.”
She took my criticism with a gentle nod. “I’m prone to err on the side of caution. It surprises me that you haven’t, is all.”
“In this case, I don’t feel it’s necessary.”
“Perhaps,” she agreed with some reluctance and followed me out of the church.
As far as I was concerned it was a closed subject. I was eager to get to the parsonage, where Mark and Sarah were waiting. We had plans to decorate the tree this afternoon. Later, Shay was due to arrive to fix Sarah’s hair with those fancy French braids my daughter had admired. In fact, Sarah had talked of little else all morning. In light of Linda’s feelings, I didn’t mention Shay’s visit.
“Actually, I stopped to ask what you had in mind for the children this Christmas. I’d like to do the shopping a bit earlier this year instead of waiting until the last minute.”
This was in reference to the previous year, when I’d left everything until three days before Christmas. Thankfully, Linda had stepped in anyway. While I was grateful for the help, Linda was more the age of my parents and really didn’t have a clue when it came to appropriate gifts for their age group. The children were thankful for the gifts under the tree, and they didn’t complain, but I knew they would have appreciated videogames and electronics more than stuffed animals and board games geared to a younger age group.
“You know, Linda, I think I’m up to doing my own shopping this year. I’m thankful for the offer. Your willingness to help has made a big difference in the last several years.”
In a gesture of friendship, she patted my back. “If you need me to do anything, don’t be afraid to ask.”
“I could never thank you enough for all you’ve done for me and my family.” I would reach out if needed, but I felt good—better than I had since I’d lost Katie. I trusted Linda and relied on her, probably more than I
should. When it came to Shay, however, she was off-limits. I’d seen the changes in her from when we’d first met, the personal growth. I believed in her.
Mark and Sarah were impatiently waiting for me when I finally made it back to the house. Early that morning, I’d pulled out the tree decorations and, unable to wait, the two had already started placing the ornaments on the tree.
For practical purposes, I’d purchased an artificial tree and hoped Katie would forgive me for not getting a fresh one. I’d set it up in the corner of the living room after the kids had gone to bed the night before.
“Did we do good, Daddy?” Sarah asked, proud of their efforts.
“You did great.” I would need to add the ornaments that were higher on the tree and out of their reach. The tree already had the lights attached, so it was easier to decorate. I’d add a couple of those sparkly garlands and that should do. It was almost hassle-free.
An hour after I arrived home, we sat down to a late lunch and I was more than ready to put my feet up and relax in front of a Seahawks football game. They were playing a prime-time game on the East Coast and kickoff would start at about five-thirty.
“When will Shay get here?” Sarah asked anxiously.
I checked my watch. “Any time now.”
That was all the encouragement Sarah needed. “I’ll get my hair stuff ready,” she called as she raced toward her bedroom.
Glancing at Mark, I saw him roll his eyes at his sister. “You going to watch football with me, buddy?” I asked. We never missed a game.
My son had grown quiet and distant the last few months after school had started. I’d tried talking to him about it, but he’d remained tight-lipped. I knew his lack of height troubled him. I hoped in time that he’d open up. Because I was concerned, I’d stopped off at the junior high and asked the school counselor to keep an eye on him. To this date, I’d heard nothing back. I had to assume it was the transition Mark was making from boyhood to being a teenager. It didn’t help that he had been especially close to Katie.
The doorbell chimed, and even before I could get out of my recliner, Sarah raced toward the front door so fast she become a blur as she sped past Mark and me. Seeing her enthusiasm, I grinned.
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