CHAPTER VI.
The name and the precise location of the hotel are immaterial. If youhappened to be there that night you know very nearly all that occurred;if not, you have in all probability never heard of it, for I understandthat the proprietors took every precaution against publicity.
Let it suffice, then, that the hotel is a prominent and a fashionableone, located somewhere between the Battery and the Bronx, and thatHawkins and I sat at a table in the restaurant on that particularevening and feasted.
The inventor had called at my office and dragged me away to dine withhim, rather to my surprise, for I believed him to be somewhere in theSouth with his wife.
You see, after a certain explosion in their home, a month or two ofreconstruction had been necessary; and I opine that Mrs. Hawkins hadthought best to remove her husband while the repairs were being made.If he had been there it is dollars to doughnuts he would have invented anew bricklayer or a novel plastering machine and wrecked the whole placeanew.
It was in reply to my query as to his presence in New York that Hawkinssaid:
"Well, you know, Griggs, it impressed me as very foolish from thefirst--that idea of my wife's of getting out of town while the place wasbeing rebuilt."
"She may have had her reasons, Hawkins," I suggested.
"Possibly, although I fail to see what they were. When a man's ownhome is being built--or rebuilt--his place is on the spot, to see thateverything is done right. Now, how, for instance, could I, away downin Georgia, know that those workmen were properly fitting up my newworkshop?"
"Workshop?" I gasped. "Are you having another one built?"
"Certainly," snapped Hawkins. "I didn't mention it to Mrs. Hawkins, forshe seems foolishly set against my continuing my scientific labors. ButI fixed it on the sly with the architect. It's all finished now--hasbeen for a week and over--power and everything else."
"Hawkins," I said, sadly, "are you going right on with yourexperimenting?"
"Of course I am," replied the inventor, rather warmly. "It's altogetherbeyond your poor little brain, Griggs, but scientific work is the verybreath of my life! I can't be happy without it; I'm not going to try.Why, all those seven weeks down South one idea simply roared in my head.I had to come home and perfect it--and I did. I've been in New Yorknearly three weeks, working on it," concluded Hawkins, complacently.
"And you've managed to perfect another accursed----" I began.
Just then I ceased speaking and watched Hawkins. His ears had prickedup like a horse's. I, too, listened and heard what seemed to be aheavy automobile outdoors; at any rate, it was the characteristicchugg-chugg-chugg of a touring car, and nowadays a commonplace soundenough.
But it affected Hawkins deeply. An ecstatic smile overspread his face,and he drew in his breath with a long, happy:
"A-a-a-a-a-ah!"
"Been buying a new auto, Hawkins?" I asked, carelessly.
"Auto be hanged!" replied the inventor, energetically. "Do you imaginethat an automobile is making that noise? I guess not! That's my newinvention, Griggs!"
"What!" I cried. "Here? In this hotel?"
"Right here in this hotel--right under our feet," said Hawkins, proudly."That noise comes from the Hawkins Gasowashine!"
I think I stared open-mouthed at Hawkins for a moment or two; I knowthat I leaned back and shook with as violent mirth as might be permittedin so solemnly proper a resort.
"Well, does that impress you as particularly humorous?" demandedHawkins, angrily.
"Hawkins," I said, "why don't you start in and write nonsense verse?There's a fortune waiting for you."
"I must say, Griggs," rejoined the inventor, sourly, "that you have verylittle comprehension of the advertising value of a good name. Who underthe sun would ever remember the 'Hawkins Gasolene Washing Machine,' ifthey saw it in a magazine? But--'The Gasowashine'!"
"So it's a washing machine?"
"Of course. It's the one perfect contrivance for washing and dryingdishes; and let me tell you the basic principle of that machine breathesgenius, if I do say it. Why, Griggs, just think! You can pile in threeor four hundred dishes, simply start the motor, and then sit down whilethe clean, dry dishes are piled neatly on the table."
"And they're really using it here? It--it works?" I asked, wonderingly.
"Well, they're going to use it," said Hawkins, rising. "I have consentedto allow them to try my model. It arrived here just before we did."
"Hawkins, have we been sitting right over that thing all this time?"
"Don't try to be comic, Griggs," said the inventor, bruskly. "I'm goingdown to see who's fooling with that motor. It should not have beentouched, although I must say it's a satisfaction to sit in a first-classplace like this and hear my own machinery running. Are you coming?"
I will admit that I was curious about the contrivance. I followedHawkins through the crowded dining-room to a door in the back.
Then, dodging a dozen hurrying waiters, we made our way down an inclineinto the kitchen and through that apartment, past steam tables andranges and pots and kettles and other paraphernalia of the cuisine.
At the farther end of the room stood a massive affair of oak. It looked,as nearly as it resembled any other thing on earth, like a piano box;but on each side, near the top, was a huge fly-wheel, the two beingapparently fastened to the ends of an axle.
For the rest of the mechanism, it was all concealed. I rightly surmisedthe monstrosity to be the Gasowashine.
The fly-wheels were revolving slowly, and this seemed to irritateHawkins.
"Good-evening, Mr. Macdougal," he said to a puzzled looking gentleman,who stood eying the affair. "Mr. Griggs, Mr. Macdougal, the manager. Sosome one started it, did he?"
"One of the 'buses happened to touch it, and it started itself," repliedthe manager, gazing on the contrivance. "It's quite safe to have about,is it not, Mr. Hawkins?"
"Safe? Certainly it is safe."
"I mean to say, it won't injure the dishes?" the gentleman continued,with a doubtful smile. "You see, we have filled the main compartmentwith hot water, as you directed, and put in three hundred pieces of ourbest crockery."
"Mr. Macdougal," said Hawkins icily, "if one dish is broken, I'll payfor it and make you a present of the machine, if you say so. If you donot wish to make the test, doubtless there are other hotel men in NewYork who will appreciate its advantages."
"Not at all, not at all," cried the manager. "I appreciate fully----"
"All right," said Hawkins shortly. "Now, the dishes are all in, arethey? Very well. I'll explain the thing to Mr. Griggs and then start it.You see, Griggs, the dishes are in here."
He tapped the side of the big box.
"When I turn on the power, they are thoroughly rubbed and soused by myAutomatic Scrubber--a separate patent, by the way--and then they reachthis spot."
He rapped upon the box near the end.
"Here they are forced against a continuous dish-towel, which runs acrossrollers all the time. Just think of it! Sixty yards of dish-towel,rolling over and over and over! After that--but you shall see how theylook after that. I'll start her."
He twisted a valve of some sort. The chugg-chugging became morepronounced, and the fly-wheels revolved with very perceptibly increasedrapidity.
From somewhere inside the thing emanated a gentle rattle and swish ofcrockery and suds. Hawkins stood back and regarded it proudly.
"There's another great point about the Gasowashine, too," he said. "Asyou see, it's too heavy to shove from place to place. What do we do?"
"Leave it where it is," I hazarded.
"Not at all. We simply invert it! The whole business is water-tight.Every door fits so closely that it's impossible for a drop to escape.Now, if I wished to move it to the other end of this room, I shouldsimply turn the Gasowashine upside down, allow it to rest upon thefly-wheels, which keep on revolving of course, and steer it wherever Idesired."
"And so you might go a little better and put on a saddle and asteering-whe
el and take a ride around the Park while you were washingdishes?" I suggested, somewhat to the manager's amusement.
"Possibly you think it's impracticable?" Hawkins rapped out. "Perhapsyou don't realize that there's a five horsepower motor running that?"
"There, there, Hawkins," I said soothingly, "if you say thatWashy-washine is good for a trans-kitchen on a transcontinental tour,I'll take your word for it."
"You don't have to!" cried the inventor wrathfully. "I'll demonstrateit. See here, you!"
This to a corpulent French gentleman in white, who had just flipped anomelette to a platter and sent it upon its way. "Come and give me a handhere. Just help turn this thing over."
"_Comme cela?_" inquired the astonished cook, making pantomime with hishands.
"Exactly. That's right. Catch hold of the other side and don't let gountil I tell you."
The cook complied. Really, the Gasowashine seemed to turn more easilythan might have been expected from its huge bulk.
A strain or two, a puffed command from Hawkins, an ominous sliding aboutof hidden dishes, and the machine lurched forward, poised a moment onits edge and turned quite gently, so that the wheels approached thefloor.
"Now, easy! Easy!" cried Hawkins. "Don't let the wheels down untilI tell you, and don't let go till I give the word. Now down! Down!Gently."
The cook seemed to be feeling for a new grip.
"Here! What are you doing?" cried the inventor. "Don't touch any ofthose handles."
"It is that I seek a place for ze hand," murmured the cookapologetically.
"Well, find it and let her down. Got your grip?"
"Aha! I have eet!" announced the Frenchman, clutching one of the brassknobs.
"All right. Down!"
Down went the Gasowashine. And a very small fraction of one second laterthings began to happen.
Each of Hawkins' inventions possesses a latent devil. You have only tobrush against the handle or the valve or the string, or whatever it maybe that connects him with the outer world, and the demon awakes.
In this case, the cook must have pinched the tail of the devil of theGasowashine, for he sprang into action with a rush.
"Is it to release the hold?" asked the Frenchman as the wheels touchedthe floor.
"No, not till I--hey!" cried Hawkins, starting back in amazement.
"Our--our dishes!" ejaculated the manager breathlessly.
The Gasowashine and the cook were traveling across the kitchen together.The Frenchman, with remarkable presence of mind, was behind the machineand dragging back with all his might; but as well could he have hauledto a standstill the locomotive of the Empire State Express.
The Gasowashine, puffing heavily as any racing auto, had plans of itsown and was executing them to the accompaniment of a simply appallingrattle of crockery.
"Don't let go! Don't let go!" cried Hawkins. "Keep hold, my man!"
"I do! I do! _Mais, mon Dieu!_" called the Frenchman jerkily.
"But, Mr. Hawkins," gasped the manager as we hurried after, "what willbecome of our china?"
"The devil take your china!" snapped Hawkins, forgetful of his recentguarantee. "If they run into the wall, it'll break the motor!"
They were not going to run into the wall. The Gasowashine approachedthe side of the apartment, swerved easily to the left, and made for theincline which led to the hotel dining-room.
"Good gracious!" screamed the manager. "Not up there! Knock that thingover on its side, Henri!"
"Don't you do it, Henri," cried Hawkins. "If you do it'll smash."
"Let it smash!" roared the manager. "Throw it over, Henri!"
"But I cannot," gasped the Frenchman as the Gasowashine sets its wheelsupon the incline.
"Here! Somebody get in front of that thing!" commanded Macdougal. "Don'tlet it go up. Knock it over!"
"If you knock that over!" stormed Hawkins, springing to the side of hiscontrivance and feeling excitedly for the valve which should shut offthe supply of gasolene.
Two or three waiters, having in mind that their jobs depended uponMacdougal's approbation rather than Hawkins' strove to obey the former'sinjunction. They ran to the fore end of the Gasowashine and seized itand pushed back upon it and sideways.
And did the Gasowashine mind? Hardly.
It bowled the first man over so neatly that he fell squarely beneath oneof his fellows, who was descending loaded with dishes. It rolled one ofits wheels across the toes of the next antagonist, and drew from him ashriek which sent people in the dining-room to their feet.
After that _coup_, the Gasowashine had things all its own way on theincline.
The French cook still maintained his hold. Hawkins pranced alongside andfumbled feverishly, first with that knob, then with this little wheel.
Several of them he managed to move, but to no good end. Whetherexcitement had confused Hawkins' mind on the details of his invention Icannot say; but certainly, far from controlling the Gasowashine, he madematters worse.
The machine puffed harder, the wheels revolved more rapidly, and thewhole affair climbed steadily toward the dining-room, dragging thetenacious cook along the incline in a sitting posture.
Thus was made the first public appearance of the Gasowashine, to theutter amazement of some hundred diners.
Bursting through the doors, it snorted for a moment, and seemed to beconsidering the long rows of tables before it. Several waiters, gaspingwith astonishment at the uncouth apparition, ran to check its progress.
That seemed to stir the Gasowashine anew. It emitted a sharp puff ofrage and plunged headlong forward.
Hawkins pranced along by its side, half turning as he ran to cry:
"Now, just--just make way, ladies and gentlemen, please. It's not at alldangerous. Just make way."
They made way, without losing any undue amount of time.
One or two women fainted unostentatiously.
Most of them, men and women, scrambled away from the main aisle,which seemed to have been selected by the Gasowashine for its furtherperformances.
"Hawkins," I panted when I had managed to regain breath, "why don't youknock the cursed thing over?"
"There, there, there, Griggs," sizzled Hawkins, dashing the perspirationfrom his eyes. "I've almost control of it now. I'll just shut offthis----"
He gave a powerful twist at one of the handles.
"That'll----" he began.
"Pouff!" roared the Gasowashine, rearing up and lunging wildly from sideto side for a moment.
Then it started down the aisle in earnest. Bang! Bang! Bang! echoedfrom the crockery inside. Puff! Puff! Puff! said the motor, driving itshardest.
"_I shall let go? Yes?_"]
"_Ciel!_" wailed the cook "I shall let it go? Yes?"
"No!" shouted Hawkins, running beside the unhappy man. "In just a secondit'll----"
It did, although not perhaps what Hawkins expected.
I saw a little door in the side of the infernal machine flip open. Iperceived a shower of finely subdivided crockery hanging over the cookfor a moment.
Then the bits of china and some two or three gallons of greasy waterdescended upon the Frenchman and the door flipped to once more. TheGasowashine had dislodged the cook and was free to pursue its wanderingsunhindered.
And certainly it made the most of the opportunity.
For three or four yards it bumped along, ramming its top-heavy noseinto the carpet and seeming to become more and more enraged at itsslow progress. Then it paused a moment and pawed at the floor with itswhizzing wheels.
I fancied that I could upset it then, and sprang forward to do so,regardless of Hawkins.
I might have known better. I was within perhaps ten feet of theGasowashine when another door, this time a smaller one toward the front,squeaked for a moment and then flew open. Simultaneously a bolt ofsomething white shot forth and made for my head.
Regardless of appearances, I dropped flat to the floor and wriggled outof the danger zone.
When I arose, I real
ized what new disaster had taken place. It was thesixty yards of dish-towel this time!
Presumably, a roller had smashed and released the thing; at any rate,there it was, yard after yard of it, trailing after the Gasowashine asit thumped energetically toward the street door.
And that was not the worst. The end of the toweling entwined itselfabout one of the dining-tables and held there. The table went over,collided with the next and emptied that, too.
Then the next followed and the next, each new crash echoed by thefrightened squeals of the guests, now lined up against the oppositewalls.
The tenth table, with its load of crockery and glassware, had beensent to destruction before Macdougal, the manager, finally gained thedining-room. Tears rose to his eyes as he made a rapid survey of thehavoc, but he kept his wits and shouted:
"Knock it over! Somebody knock it over!" A big military-looking man inevening clothes sprang forward. I offered a prayer for him and held mybreath. He rushed to the Gasowashine, seized it with his mighty arms,and gave a shove.
"M-m-m-mister," quavered Hawkins, wriggling from under one of thetables, "don't do that! The g-g-g-gasolene tank!"
But it was done. With a dull crash, the only perfect machine for washingand drying dishes fell to its side. The big man smiled at it.
And then--well, then a sheet of flame seemed to envelope theunfortunate. A heavy boom shook the apartment, the big glass doorsplintered musically and fell inward, the lights in that end of the roomwere extinguished.
Then followed the screams of the terrified guests, the patter ofnumberless fragments of crockery and countless drops of filthy dishwateras they reached the floor. And then the big man picked himself upsome twenty feet from the spot where he had dared the wrath of theGasowashine.
And Hawkins standing majestically in the wreck of a table, with onefoot in a salad bowl and the other oozing nesselrode pudding, while anunbroken stream of mayonnaise dressing meandered down the back of hiscoat--Hawkins, standing thus, shook his fist at the big man and, abovethe turmoil, shouted at him:
"I told you so!"
Such was the fate of the first, last, and only Gasowashine.
Bellboys, clerks, and waiters pelted with hand grenades its smolderingremains and squirted chemical fire-extinguishers upon it; but theGasowashine's day was done. Its turbulent spirit had passed to anothersphere.
Later, when some measure of order had been restored to the dining-room,when the door had been boarded up and the inquisitive police satisfiedand the street crowd dispersed; when a sympathetic waiter had partiallycleansed Hawkins, and that gentleman had suggested that we might as welldepart, he received a peremptory invitation to call upon the proprietorin his private office.
The proprietor was a calm, cold man. He viewed Hawkins with aninscrutable stare for some time before he spoke.
"I hardly know, Mr. Hawkins," he said at last, "whom to blame for this."
"Well, I know! That hulking lummox who knocked over my----"
"At any rate, the machine was yours, I fear you will have to pay for thedamage."
"I will, eh?" blustered Hawkins. "Well, I told your man Macdougal thatif one dish was broken I'd pay for it. Here's the dollar for the dish!Come, Griggs."
"Um-um. So you refuse to settle?" smiled the proprietor.
"Absolutely and positively!" declared Hawkins.
"Well, I think that, pending a suit for damages, I can have you heldon a charge of disorderly conduct," mused the calm man. "Mr. Macdougal,will you kindly call an officer?"
Hawkins wilted at that. His checkbook came forth, and the string offigures he was compelled to write made my heart bleed.
When he had exchanged the slip for a receipt, Hawkins and I made for theside door and slunk out into the night.
The Gasowashine, I presume, or such combustible fragments as remained,found an inglorious grave next day in the ranges of the same kitchenwhich had witnessed the start of its short little life.
Mr. Hawkins' Humorous Adventures Page 6