I stroked her shoulder. “Sorry,” I offered. “We can go home now though?”
“And how do we do that? I haven’t got a passport in this ridiculous world.” She turned to face me again.
“I haven’t quite thought that one through yet, I'm sure that's not overly important though. They must have an embassy here I suppose.”
“An embassy? Are you mad? Sorry, wrong question. Even if they do have an embassy here, have you tried to do anything related to any form of bureaucracy here?”
“We’ll work it out. I’m sure Lee and Emma can help.” I wrapped my arms round her shoulders and felt her sobbing gently.
*****
That evening Emma cooked a fish pie and we sat round a large wooden table eating and drinking.
“Can somebody explain this money business?” I asked when we’d finished the meal. “Everything seems so cheap and mostly costs exact pounds?”
“It’s because people don’t have fixed prices,” Emma said. “They charge what they feel’s right at the time. And overheads here are minimal.”
“But what about records, isn’t that difficult? And tax?”
“There’s no personal taxes here!” She sounded surprised I didn’t know that. “And most people don’t bother with records of any kind.”
“No taxes? But what about things like schools and roads?”
“I’m beginning to believe you did come from another world,” Emma said. “Thought everybody knew how it worked. The only tax here is the International Levy. A one percent charge on the turnover of any international company based here.”
I was confused. I’d seen no sign of any international companies on my wanderings. “But that can’t amount to very much? How many companies are based here?”
“At last count? Something like a hundred thousand. They come from all over Greater Europe to be based here. At a tax rate of one percent, who can blame them?” She saw my confusion and continued. “There’s a huge office complex down near the Garrison. Most of these companies only need a phone line and accommodation address to validate their status here. Some have a desk with one employee, but most don’t.”
“So there’s no need for taxes on individuals?” I was still trying to understand.
“Exactly. We have top schools, cutting edge hospital, big pensions. That’s why everything is so cheap.”
We sat drinking and chatting for a while then I said I needed to get back in case Mrs Miggins was waiting up.
“Lee will sort out the deals to get you both back to the mainland tomorrow. Drop by around ten, we should have something sorted by then.”
“Deals?” I queried. “What deals? Can't we just take the plane back?”
“Tiny matter of a passport, in case you'd forgotten.”
“Ah, yes. They're hot on those then, are they?”
“Well,” Emma paused for thought. “I suppose only in the same way the Inquisition had a bit of a thing about crucifixes.”
I confessed I hadn't really given that a lot of thought. I'd just assumed that as I was a British subject, I could turn up at the border and demand my inalienable rights to be allowed every support and whatever else it was the Queen had promised me in my passport. Of course I didn't actually have a passport and come to think of it, I wasn't even sure I had a Queen anymore in this universe. I probably needed to find that one out before I put my foot in it with some Republican Guard and found myself in The Tower.
I said my goodnights then wandered back to Mrs Miggins' cottage, pondering all the way about the deals to be made. Visions of clandestine boats meeting under the full moon, swapping contraband and making deals. I didn't realise then quite how close that would turn out to be.
Chapter Seventeen
I watched the sun rise spread its amber tentacles across the still waters of the bay as Mrs Miggins piled my breakfast plate high. I tackled the plate with determination but was finally beaten by the last slice of fried bread and a sausage. Mrs Miggins cleared my plate and refilled my coffee cup.
“I think I'm heading back today,” I told her. “Can I settle up?” I leafed through my wallet.
She thought for a moment then said, “Well, let me see. We said ten for the room and two for breakfast but twelve pounds is such a messy number. Never did like twelve. How does ten pounds sound?”
“Ridiculously cheap. Are you sure?”
“I only do it as a hobby. Nice to meet new people. Yes, ten pounds is just enough.”
I paid her the money then packed my few things and set out to walk back to Emma and Lee's house.
*****
The sun warmed the island quickly so I took my time and enjoyed the countryside. For the most part it looked much like mainland southern England but the occasional palm tree and early summer flowers hinted at its almost tropical air.
Tania greeted me enthusiastically when I arrived. “Lee said he can set us up for a trip this evening. We could be home by tomorrow.”
“Hopefully, just as long as the Pope is where I left him.”
She opened her mouth to speak, hesitated then gave me a look that said she probably shouldn't ask and just said, “Okay. Whatever you think best.”
She led me inside where Emma was busy preparing vegetables.
“Lee will be back around five and he said he'll take you out at eight. Another chap is going with you. Kevin something or other.” She chopped at an onion with a sound like a machine gun. “Anyways, you'll need to get a load of stuff from the Smuggler's Shop in Hugh Town.”
“Smuggler's Shop?” I remembered visiting Cornish seaside towns in the past, where Smuggler's shops were quite common. Usually mock Tudor buildings selling pirate's flags, pewter tankards and a plethora of other seafaring related souvenirs. I couldn't for the life of me see why I would need anything from one of those. Were we supposed to fly a pirate's flag or something?
Emma saw my confusion. “You'll need something to trade with the Others.”
It must have been clear to Emma that I wasn't understanding the first thing about Smuggler's Shops or The Others because;
“The Smuggler's Shop sells stuff which is difficult to get in the Greater European Union,” she continued. “You know, bananas, war films, fudge. You need to buy a load of it to pass on the Others, the fishermen from the mainland. It's your fee.” She looked at me as though I were a child and she was trying to explain calculus. “Never mind, just go to The Smuggler's Shop and tell them what you're doing. They'll help.”
“How do I find it?” I had visions of a hidden doorway and having to give a coded knock and ask for Bluebeard.
“It's in the High Street. Big sign above the door. Says Smuggler's Shop in big letters. You can't miss it.”
“Doesn't that give the game away?”
She stopped her manic chopping and turned to face me, my eyes followed the knife as she stabbed it into the chopping board in apparent frustration. “You mainlanders really don't understand the world, do you. Why would they need to hide it? It does fantastic business. Everybody knows what they do. It's a bit like a ticket shop.”
“Oh, I see.” I wasn't entirely sure I did see but she closed her fingers around the knife handle and pulled it free in such a way as to give the impression the conversation was over and I was pushing my luck.
*****
As predicted, The Smuggler's Shop was indeed conspicuous. A huge black and white sign over the shop window, a flag protruding into the street and as if that wasn't enough, a large billboard on the pavement announced, 'All Your Smuggling Needs Here!'.
Tania led the way in and I followed. I'd half expected gloom and locked cupboards but I was greeted by bright lights and display cabinets that for the most part seemed perfectly ordinary, albeit somewhat eclectic. Rows of DVDs, books, jars of preserves, packets of sweets, fruit and of course a large selection of alcohol. I leafed through the rows of films on DVD trying to understand what made them contraband. There were a good number of John Wayne movies, quite few Clint Eastwood, almost every
Carry On film and surprisingly what seemed like the full back catalogue of Judy Garland. There were box sets of TV series such as Only Fools and Horses, Are You Being Served and On The Buses. Book shelves were lined with Biggles, Enid Blyton and Grimm's Fairy Tales. I struggled to understand the logic behind the choices. I pulled a copy of Pride and Prejudice from the shelf.
“Ah, good choice!” A tall man with a pirate's hat on his head appeared alongside me. “Like gold dust since The Wicked Witch came to power.”
“Wicked Witch?” I queried.
“The Evil Blair, The Brussel's Valkyrie. First thing she had banned was that. Then it was on to Morecombe and Wise, Tom and Jerry and now the poor buggers over there can't even get a decent cup of tea since she banned imports from India. Grow all their tea in France now, you know.”
“I was told you could help,” I whispered and glanced nervously around. “I need to get passage for both of us.” I nodded towards Tania. “You know, to the mainland.”
“You'll have to speak up, lad, bit thick in the ear since I was stood too close to the cannon in the Crimea.”
I stared at him for a moment then he burst into laughter. “My little joke. But really, no need to whisper. No Revenue Men around these parts.”
I still wasn't sure whether to take him seriously. “We need some stuff as a sort of ticket?”
“No problem,” he said. “Two of you is it?”
“Yes.”
“I'd go for a box of Goldfinger, that's always popular, a case of honey fudge, a few cartons of untipped cigarettes and I can do you a freezer box of cod fish cakes. They're going down particularly well at the moment since the silly sods sold their cod quotas to Iceland.”
“Fudge?” I asked. “Why is fudge contraband?”
The pirate glanced at Tania. “Don't know much do he, your man?” he said then turned back to me. “Cornish Fudge. They forced the mainland to change the recipe for Cornish Fudge ten year back. Too much sugar they said. Caused hyper something or other. But we still do the proper stuff here like. Pomfrey's Cornish Fudge. Only not supposed to call it Cornish see, as they don't recognise the Scillys as part of Cornwall anymore. So we has to smuggle it over. Goes like Ussain Bolt with a rocket up 'is arse does that.” He gave another chuckle.
“How much contraband do you think we need?” I asked.
“For the both of you? Usual rate is a chest each. Best take a small extra box just in case the mainlanders suddenly get all greedy like. Want me to put something together for you?”
“How much is it?”
“Let's say a tenner a chest? Give me a couple of hours and I'll have them ready for you. I'll even chuck in the small box.”
*****
We left the shop and headed along the main street. Retail smuggling, now there's a new one. We settled in The Mermaid for coffee, it was a bit early for beer, even for me. The morning sunlight sparkled across the bay.
Our coffees arrived and I said to Tania, “Look, I really am sorry.”
She took a sip of her cappuccino, studiously avoiding eye contact. “For what exactly?”
“Erm, letting you go through that door? Screwing up our relationship?” I could see I was having little impact. “World War Two? Boris Johnson?” I offered.
She smiled at last. “I know you didn't mean it. It was all just so frightening. At least you had a vague idea what was happening. I thought I'd gone completely mad.”
I opened my mouth to speak then she stared at me with killer eyes and pointed her frothy spoon menacingly. “Don't say it!”
We chatted for a while. For the first time she opened up about her time after our breakup, how she'd met up with Aaron and they'd been having an on-off relationship ever since.
“He does something clever with aeroplanes,” she said.
“You mean a bit like the Red Arrows?”
“Idiot! No, I mean he designs systems for them. Something to do with the thingies that make the whatsits stabilise if the inertial doohdah goes out of whack.”
“Oh, I see. I'd always wondered how that worked.”
“Oh hell, I've just remembered. We were supposed to go up to his parent's farmhouse in the Cairngorms this weekend.”
“Well, with a bit of luck you'll be able to ring him tomorrow and explain,” I said.
“Explain what exactly? Sorry I didn't call but my ex pushed me through an inter-dimensional wormhole and we had to smuggle copies of The Boy's Own Annual in order to get home?”
“There you go, I knew you'd find a way.” I grinned. “Come on, we'd better go see if Captain Birdseye has loaded the treasure chests yet.”
I paid the waitress on the way out and as I returned the change to my pocket my hand closed around the strange little crystal. I'd forgotten it was there. I pulled it out and stared at it. The glow had almost gone. Just a very faint shimmer seemed to transluce across its surface. I felt slightly deflated although I couldn't quite work out why.
*****
The two chests awaited our return and as promised a small carton sat next to them. I was tempted to look inside and rummage a bit. As a boy I'd always enjoyed rummaging in my grandmother's chests in her attic. Generally they consisted of hats, shawls and countless copies of Woman's Own Magazines going back to before the war. Resisting the temptation to drag everything out all over the floor to see what we'd got, I paid the man and dragged the chests out onto the pavement. It wasn't long before the local bus pulled up and took us to our door. St Mary's is a small island and the bus routes vary according to the passengers. A strange system but it seems to work well.
Once back in Lee and Emma's house Emma directed us through into the lounge.
“Kevin's there already,” she said, with a slight smile.
Kevin sat on the sofa in the lounge. He was a small, skinny man probably in his mid forties. There was nothing unusual about him, apart from the fact he was totally naked.
“Oh, sorry,” I said and turned my head to look at the doorway through which I'd just entered. “I didn't realise... I'll come back when you're ready.”
“You see,” said Kevin, his voice rising in an attempt at indignation. “That's what I mean. Right there, that's the problem.”
I had a feeling I'd either come in halfway through a conversation with an invisible man or I'd found another doorway, a very strange doorway. I couldn't decide which was the most disturbing. “Umm... I didn't mean... That is...” I continued to stare through the doorway, rather hoping that he was busy getting dressed behind me but doubting that was so. Emma came out of the kitchen and caught sight of me. “Ah, I see you've met Kevin.”
“Yes, he's just... err... I was going to help you make some tea.”
Emma bustled past me. “Oh, don't mind Kevin. He's a nudist. Sorry, should have warned you.”
“I'm not a nudist,” Kevin continued in his indignity. “I'm a naturist. Nudists are people who take their clothes off in public.”
I risked a glance. No, he was still naked, or nude, or naturisty. “I see,” I said. Truth be told I could see all too much but I tried to act nonchalant. Even as Kevin stood up from the sofa. I still managed nonchalant as he strode over towards me. However, I think my nonchalance slipped slightly when he took my hand and patted me on the back.
“That's alright,” he said. “Common mistake. I apologise but I sometimes get a bit touchy.”
I hoped the hand shake and the back patting was as touchy as he was going to get. “Took me by surprise a bit, that's all.” I extricated myself from his handshake. “Don't tend to meet many nudist... I mean naked... naturists in Ealing.”
Kevin looked puzzled. “This isn't Ealing?”
“I know but that's where I live. Lived. Now I live in Somerset but when I was in Ealing, I didn't see many nudists. Naturists. Or in Somerset... Would you like a cup of tea? I was just going to help Emma make some.” I looked to Emma and gave her the expression that I hoped said 'Help Me!'.
“Oh, don't worry, Ian. I can do it. You sit down and ha
ve a chat with Kevin. You're going to be stuck together for a while. Best you get to know each other.” She turned and headed for the kitchen, a barely contained smirk on her face.
I sat on the chair at the furthest corner from the sofa. “So, you're heading back to the mainland then?”
“So it seems,” he said. “It wasn't my plan. But things didn't really work out here. Not as I'd hoped.”
“Kept taking his bloody clothes off in public.” Lee came into the lounge and threw his lunch pack on the table. “A man should keep his clothes on in public. Apart from anything, most of the time it's too bloody cold for that sort of nonsense.”
I wanted to agree with Lee but had a sudden recollection of my 'Interesting Day' in the Blue Water shopping centre a few years back. I settled for, “Each to their own, I suppose.”
*****
I left Kevin in the lounge and decided I could resist my curiosity no longer. I pulled everything from the chests and spread the contents across the floor. It was an Ali Baba's world of the politically incorrect, the slightly subversive and the downright peculiar. There were several copies of each of Jeremy Clarkson's books, obviously these were banned in Blairworld, as I'd taken to calling this universe. I could understand Mein Kampf being on the blacklist, although why anybody would even attempt to read it, I can't imagine, but Noddy? Aspartame sweeteners, vitamin pills, Columbian coffee, Kinder Eggs, Absinthe, three-pin plugs, 100-watt light bulbs, factor 2 sun tan lotion, the pile grew bigger and stranger.
“I see Eddie's looked after you well.”
I looked up at the sound of Lee's voice. He stood in the doorway, or rather he filled the doorway.
“This all seems very random,” I said. “Are you sure this is what the others want?”
“Can't get enough of it, poor buggers.”
“But what about this?” I held up a bar of whole nut chocolate. “Why on earth is whole nut chocolate banned?”
“It's got nuts in it.” He looked at me with the same expression he'd used when I'd first tried to explain my doors to him.
“Well, that's self evident,” I said. “The clue's on the wrapper. It says whole nut chocolate. But I don't understand. Are nuts banned?”
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