by Jane Davitt
Liam walked over to him, two long strides all he needed to be close enough to touch. Austin panicked, his next breath choking him, his head filled with white noise, blocking out whatever Liam was saying. The room went dark, his skin prickling with heat. He was going to faint. He reached out blindly to steady himself, and Liam’s arm went around him, cradling him. Safely held, Austin let himself be lowered to the floor.
“Head between your knees,” Liam said, his calm voice cutting through the roar. “Breathe. That’s it. Don’t you dare faint on me, Austin. No, Jay, don’t come in. He’s fine, aren’t you, Austin?”
“I’m fine,” he repeated faintly because he was supposed to. He was good at doing as he was told. He liked not having to be the one who made the decisions and took control and held the family together. Shit, he was hyperventilating. If he’d known this was going to happen, he’d have taken some antianxiety pills or something.
If he’d known this was going to happen… But what was it? Was Liam breaking up with them?
That thought made his heart beat even faster. He had to focus on the knowledge that Jay was hovering on the other side of the doorway, worried not just about “the talk” but about him, if he was going to have any chance of getting himself under control.
Liam was still speaking, and Austin concentrated on the words. “That’s it. Slowly. Good. Everything’s fine. There’s nothing for you to worry about.”
Austin knew that was a lie, but he willed himself to believe it anyway. He lifted his head so he could see Liam’s face. It didn’t help. Liam was just as handsome and imposing as ever, and losing him was going to be worse than when Patrick had left, worse a hundred times over.
“Listen to me, Austin,” Liam commanded sharply. And there, that was what Austin needed, that voice that didn’t allow for disobedience. “Breathe very slowly. In. Out.”
He clung to Liam’s words and managed to get his breathing under control. It took a few minutes, but it got a little bit easier as the seconds passed. “I’m okay,” he said finally, and Liam nodded.
“Jay, back to bed,” Liam said. “I’m serious; neither of us needs to be tripping over you. Here, slowly. Take your time.”
Austin got to his feet with Liam’s support. He was shaky, but the worst of it was over. He hoped. Now the embarrassment flooded in. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I don’t know why that happened.”
“I suspect you do,” Liam said. His tone was neutral, at least; he didn’t sound mad.
“I’m just… You and Jay both pushing me to talk—”
“Jay’s been pushing you?” Liam frowned, and Austin could almost see Liam adding things up in his head, shifting stuff around. He’d watched Liam do a jigsaw puzzle once, during the time Jay and he had been living here following the flood. It’d been a Lord of the Rings one, a thousand pieces, nothing fancy, and Liam had ignored it for a few days, then walked over to the table and stared down at the half-assembled puzzle, his arms folded.
Then he’d picked up piece after piece and slotted them in without hesitation, finishing a boring section of background within minutes before stepping back, his lips pursed with irritation for some reason.
“The pieces were all there,” he’d said when Austin asked him how he did it. “It’s not hard when you have everything you need. It’s when a piece is under the table and you can’t see it that it gets tricky.” He’d pointed at the floor. “Like that one there. Tell Jay to come and get it, please. Now.”
This was just like that.
“He thinks there’s something bugging me.”
Liam urged him toward the bedroom, and Austin let himself be led, reluctance slowing his steps. “Well, he’s not wrong, is he? And knowing you, you’ve fretted yourself into thinking the worst’s going to happen if you’re honest with us. But unless you’re about to confess to something dire like stealing library books, you know Jay’s never going to stop loving you, and I’ve invested far too much time training the pair of you to walk away.” He pointed at the bed, where Jay waited, naked and on his knees, his expression anxious. “Over by Jay.”
It was easy to go to Jay and slip a reassuring arm around him, comfort him. “It’s okay. I’m fine, I promise.”
“You were so white.” Jay hugged him tightly.
“I’m okay.” Austin looked at Liam, who shut off the bathroom light and walked toward the bed. God. Deep breaths. At least he was on the bed now. If he started really freaking out again, he’d just…lie down and wait for it to pass.
Liam came around to the other side of the bed and sat down. “All right, now I think it’s safe to say that getting comfortable is a good idea. I’m less worried about you falling asleep.” He was directing his words mostly toward Austin.
“Not anytime soon,” Austin agreed.
“That doesn’t happen often,” Liam said. “But it’s happened before?”
“The panic attack thing?” He shook his head, then shrugged. “Well. Sort of.”
Jay was quiet beside him but reached for his hand and squeezed it. Austin turned his head to look at Jay, and Jay widened his eyes slightly. If you don’t tell him, I will.
Shit. “I have something I take,” he said, hoping that might be enough to satisfy Jay. “When I think things are going to get overwhelming.” Then, before he realized he was going to say it, the words spilled out of him. “Are you breaking up with us? I mean, you said you wanted to talk, and that doesn’t usually mean anything good, and—”
“Stop,” Liam said, holding up a hand to silence him. It worked. “No, of course I’m not breaking up with you. Why on earth would you think that?”
Austin bit his lip. He wanted to answer, but there were so many thoughts and words swirling around inside his head that he didn’t know how. “I don’t know,” he said finally.
Liam gave a frustrated sigh and rubbed his forehead. “Jay, can you help at all?”
“I wish. I wanted him to spill before we got here, and he wouldn’t. That’s why I was so… Yeah, well, you know how I was.” Jay kissed Austin’s cheek, the soft warmth of his lips leaving a lingering heat in Austin’s skin. “You can’t be like this without it fucking me up too. You bang your elbow, I say ‘ow,’ babe. You know that.”
He did, because it was the same for him. Realizing he had no choice, Austin made a quick decision: share some, not all, of his concerns, and try to work his way through the rest himself. He wasn’t going to burden them with all the dozens of worries that left him feeling tangled in barbed wire, unable to move without making the situation worse. Some of it, though, yeah. Some of it he could talk about, because it wasn’t about just him.
“What we have now—it’s not enough.” The words came out haltingly, but once spoken, they gave him something solid to stand on, a foundation. “When you came to us in the spring and said you wanted to have sex with us—yeah, I know, it wasn’t just the sex—I thought things would change. Not all at once, but—the three of us—it’s a huge deal and it’s complicated and it’s secret and—”
“Overwhelming,” Liam put in, his voice soft. “Yes.”
Austin gave him a grateful look, but he could feel desperation clawing at him. He had to keep talking now that he’d started. “Right. But here we are, and what’s changed, really? We come over a few times a week, not once, we fuck when we didn’t before—but it’s still you in one corner and us in another, and I thought…I thought we’d be together. And we’re not.”
“Austin—” Jay began, but Austin waved him to silence, his gaze going from Liam’s carefully controlled face to Jay’s worried, half-indignant one.
“I’m Jay’s boyfriend all the time, and I’m your sub, Liam. But when I’m not your sub, when I’m just Austin, the guy you’re in bed with, or the one making you toast in the morning, I don’t know who I am to you. If I’m your boyfriend too, then why aren’t we more involved in each other’s lives? Why do I feel shut out after we’ve been together for months?”
He was shaking with reaction again, eac
h word a thorn pulled from his flesh.
Liam reached out, sliding his hand around the back of Austin’s neck, holding him firmly. “When you’re not my sub?” he repeated. “Austin—Jay—you’re always my subs. Every second of every day. Mine.”
“I know,” Austin said, looking down at the bed. That was stupid. He knew it was stupid because he didn’t know, and Liam knew that he didn’t know, and even if both of those things weren’t true, the fact that he wasn’t looking at Liam would have been all the clue that was needed. Stupid.
“Yes, thank you, that was incredibly convincing,” Liam said. He rubbed his thumb along the side of Austin’s neck gently until Austin looked at him. “Let me say it again. You’re always my subs. I’m sorry if you haven’t felt that way, but it’s the truth.”
Austin didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to lie again—Liam deserved better. “I’m sorry.”
Liam made an impatient noise. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to understand. I know it’s complicated, but we’re still together even when we’re not.”
But they weren’t, Austin thought. That was the problem. He and Jay were in their apartment, and Liam was here. How was that together? “I guess I want more. Maybe I always will. Maybe I’m selfish.”
“You’re not,” Jay said loyally.
“You have to realize this is all news to me,” Liam said. “But we’ll sort it out, I promise. Give me a bit of time to think about it.”
Liam looked genuinely taken aback, Austin realized. Part of him wanted to retract everything he’d said, but it wouldn’t erase that look on Liam’s face.
“I know what he means,” Jay said, shifting from his knees to sit cross-legged, graceful and relaxed. His nipples were still swollen from the clamps, and he rubbed his thumb over one, not to soothe the ache, Austin guessed, but to prolong it. “We’re all connected to each other in different ways, but Austin and me—”
“Austin and I,” Liam corrected absently.
“Yeah, whatever.” Austin smothered a grin as Liam shot Jay a cold glare, and Jay hastily amended his words. “Austin and I, well, it’s by a rope. You know, thick and strong and lots of little strands woven together, but you to us is by a thread. A thin one. Take away a few hours every Friday, and we don’t have much else tying us together.”
Liam raised his hands and let them fall helplessly, the gesture conveying his confusion. Austin hated seeing him at a loss. “I thought we were doing all right. These last few months I’ve been happier than I’ve been in years. I thought you were too.”
“We are,” Jay assured him. “We’re just not, you know, progressing.”
“So what do you want?” Liam demanded. “Tell me one thing you want to change.” He snapped his fingers and pointed at Austin. “Austin?”
“I want to serve you,” Austin said without censoring himself. “Take care of your needs. All of them. More than just let you spank me or fuck me. I want you to own me.”
He’d been taking care of people he loved all his life. Like helping his mom run the household and dealing with the messes April had caused. Literal ones, like trashing her room looking for a necklace it turned out she’d broken, which were easy, and emotional ones, which were more of a headache. Then he’d met Jay—scatterbrained, dreamy Jay, whose life without Austin organizing it would dissolve into chaos.
Liam didn’t need to be woken and gently urged out the door so that he wasn’t late for work, or reminded about dental appointments and oil changes for his car. Like Austin’s, Liam’s life was rigorously ordered and controlled.
But there was so much Austin could do for Liam even so. And God, he wanted to. He’d always said that he didn’t want to be a sub 24-7, but since meeting and falling in love with Liam, his views had changed, so gradually he hadn’t been aware of the shift until recently. He’d found himself wondering what it would be like to know that when he walked through the door—Liam’s door—after a day at work, everything he said or did would be subject to Liam’s control.
Sometimes the idea scared him, as if he’d be walking into a cage. And sometimes it felt as if once the cage door slammed, he’d turn to find the cage had no walls and he was free for the first time to be what he was.
But of course it was complicated, and he couldn’t blame Liam for not wanting to take something like that on. It made Austin feel abandoned, though, and more than a little bit sick. For the first time instead of being happy that they were spending the night at Liam’s, he wished they could go home so he could sleep in his own bed with Jay, curled in the embrace of someone he knew loved him and would always be there for him.
Some portion of his thoughts must have shown on his face. Liam slid fingers into his hair and studied him intently. “Is that really what you want?”
“Yes,” Austin whispered. “Yes, Sir.”
He didn’t dare look at Jay. This would affect him too, if Liam agreed to try it, and wasn’t that the problem? Every adjustment they made to their relationship, every tweak at the ropes and threads, had repercussions. Fix one broken thread with a firm knot, and another three could snap under the new tension.
“Jay? What about you?” Liam was trying too hard to keep his voice level, Austin thought distantly. He had to be really off balance by all this.
“Me?” Jay went to his back, his long hair dark against the plain white bed linen Liam preferred, his olive skin stunning. He pushed a pillow behind his head, outwardly at ease. Austin wondered if Liam could see that Jay had retreated into his own world to give himself time to think. “I want Austin and you to be happy.”
“I know that.” Liam sounded pretty patient for a man whose night had been ruined. “I want to know what would make you happy.”
“I don’t think I’d get as much of a kick as Austin out of scrubbing your floors or making your bed,” Jay said frankly. “I can see the appeal of being taken that deep, though.” His cock was half-hard, and he reached down to stroke it, snatching his hand away when Liam cleared his throat. “Sorry, Sir. I’d want to try it first. See how it felt. We’ve never played full-time. If we did, it wouldn’t be playing, right? It’d be our life. That’s…huge.”
“Yes, which is why I need time to think about it,” Liam said, “but you’re still not answering me, and if your hands go anywhere near your cock or your nipples again, you’ll be sleeping on the floor with your hands tied to the bed. Now stop lounging as if you’re waiting to be fed a grape, get back on your knees, and tell me what you want.”
Jay jerked upright and did as he was told, his cock hardening more. Even feeling miserably uncertain as he did, his head aching, Austin couldn’t help smiling. He knew one thing Jay wanted, and it was Liam refusing to let Jay get away with anything. Jay might say the idea of doing chores didn’t appeal, but if he was making Liam’s bed naked apart from whatever clamps and harnesses Liam had put on him, his ass striped from failing to meet Liam’s standards on his first attempt… Yeah. Jay would like that.
Jay lowered his head, his submission offered as an apology, his hands behind him, his knees spread wide. Austin saw the appreciative gleam in Liam’s eyes.
“Sir, I just want more…intensity, I guess. Turn up the heat. Play a bit rougher, have you hurt me a bit more. No, a lot more.” He glanced at Liam under his lashes. “I can take it, Sir. You know I can. What you did to me in the hall when we came in…” He shivered, his yearning expression making Austin’s throat feel tight as he fought back tears. Jay looked so vulnerable right then. “God, so good. I loved it. I know you were punishing me, but it felt like a reward.”
“It really wasn’t intended to be.” Liam’s voice was tinder dry. “You’re quite the pain slut, aren’t you, Jay?”
Jay bit his lip, hard enough that the flesh around his teeth went white. Austin supposed that was answer enough, even without Jay’s murmured, “Yes, Sir,” a moment later.
“I’m not complaining,” Liam told him. He drummed his fingers against his thigh, his gaze turned inward. Aust
in could almost see Liam fitting pieces of a different puzzle together, but what picture was on the box?
Liam said slowly, “What would help would be for us to live together. Here, obviously, since I have the room. I should’ve suggested it before, I suppose. It’s just such a big step, and there’re issues above and beyond how we’d feel about it. It would raise eyebrows. Risk what we have being exposed with some potentially nasty fallout. I’m not against the idea, but I’d need to think about it. We all would.”
“I’d love it,” Austin said immediately, but he noticed Jay’s face was screwed up in thought.
Liam nodded, his gaze going to Jay, who stayed silent. “Well, it’s there to think about. Sleep on it. Discuss it between yourselves. I want you both to know that I’m committed to what we have. I’m not breaking up with you. Do you hear me? Austin? We’ll sort this out. It may take some time, that’s all.”
To Austin it sounded like an empty promise. Oh, he thought Liam meant it, but it was the kind of thing where in the long run nothing would change. But saying that would be pretty much the worst thing he could do, so he needed to lie in a convincing manner. He could do that. Maybe not to Jay, but to Liam? When it was for the best? “I hear you. I know it’s complicated.”
Liam didn’t look particularly convinced, but maybe he needed to pretend everything would be okay the same way Austin did. “All right. Good. Jay?”
“I know,” Jay said easily. “I trust you.”
“Then can we please get some sleep?” Liam asked and gestured at both of them to lie down. “I really do better work when I’m not exhausted.”
As Austin settled back on the pillows and draped an arm over Jay, who snuggled up to him, he felt that he was facing a night of staring at the ceiling.
Chapter Four
Jay closed the browser page with a click, his hand shaking on the mouse. That had been…extreme. Way beyond anything he was into. Suspensions where he was held by ropes were one thing; he loved the idea of hanging, blindfolded, a whip lashing his skin, but flesh hooks left his stomach twisted with queasy fascination.