by Jane Davitt
“Oh my God.” Austin pulled his hand away from hers and ran both of his through his hair. “You do realize you sound like a crazy person?”
Sarah’s eyes narrowed in anger. “I’ll remind you you’re talking to your mother, young man. Just because you weren’t able to keep your little secret hidden—”
Austin laughed; he couldn’t help it. His little secret was still hidden as far as he could tell, and likely to stay that way if this was the kind of story his mom cooked up in her head based on a few bruises and a kiss he was pretty sure she’d imagined. “Mom, you were really drunk the night of our housewarming party. I think you’re confused.”
“I’m not confused,” Sarah said. “I pushed open the door to your bedroom to say good-bye before I left, and you were in there with Liam. You were kissing Liam.”
Shit.
Austin was left floundering. He couldn’t tell his mom the whole truth—it wasn’t only his decision to make—and he didn’t want to. His sex life wasn’t any of her business, and he didn’t feel a shred of guilt about including Liam in his relationship with Jay. They might’ve had issues to work through and adjustments to make, but becoming a threesome had given Jay and him the balance they needed, and Liam had gone from frustrated and unfulfilled to happy. They’d all benefited.
That said, he could see now why she was upset, and he knew it was rooted in concern for him, so he couldn’t be too annoyed with her. All the truth, no, but should he share part of it? Maybe.
God, he wished he could discuss this with the other two first, but if he tried to leave or text, Sarah would think he was being coerced or something. Jay abusive? Jay?
He kept his voice level, projecting calm. “Mom, listen. Yes, you saw me kissing Liam. And if you’d put your head around the door a minute earlier, you’d have seen Jay there with us, and he was getting kissed too, by both of us. It was what we wanted in the moment, and yes, it was risky, but sometimes you just can’t help yourself.”
“Well, I don’t understand how you can cheapen yourself like that.”
“How I can what?”
Sarah’s cheeks were stained brightly now, an angry color rising. “When people, stupid, bigoted people, told me gay men were promiscuous, I used to point at you and Jay. Tell them you were as happy and faithful as any couple I knew. Now you tell me you’re both happy sleeping around with anyone who takes your fancy? And Liam! You told me he’d been married.” She pressed her hands to her face. “I flirted with him at your party.” Her hands dropped to her lap, lying limply before she twisted them together as if she were trying to wash them clean. “I flirted with him,” she repeated in a whisper. “You must have laughed at me. The silly woman who can’t tell when a man’s gay. When he’s involved with my son.”
“Mom—” Desperate to erase the shocked misery and shame in her eyes, Austin took her hands, more to still that restless movement than to comfort her, but she snatched them away.
“Don’t touch me!” She shook her head, her expression so closed off that she was barely recognizable to him. “I’m so disappointed with you, Austin. So ashamed that you and Jay would risk what you have for some sleazy one-night stand with a man old enough to be your father.”
“It wasn’t a one-night stand,” Austin shot back immediately, but that wasn’t the point. He really needed to focus on the stuff she needed to know, not the stuff she didn’t, although the line was becoming increasingly difficult to see. “Mom…I didn’t lie to you about Liam. He was married, to a woman, and as far as he knew he was straight until he met me and Jay. It’s been hard for him to—”
“I don’t want to hear it! I can’t believe this. He’s old enough to be your father, Austin. That’s sick. He’s just using you. I don’t know why; I’m sure he could date some nice woman his own age and get remarried if he’s lonely. There’s no need for him to prey on children.”
Austin found himself standing up, his voice raised. “Do you hear yourself? Jay and I aren’t kids. We’re practically middle-aged! And more than mature enough to make our own decisions about our love lives. Liam isn’t ‘preying’ on anyone. I know you’re my mother, but that doesn’t mean I’m a child!”
“Don’t shout at me!” Sarah wasn’t standing, but she was poised on the edge of the couch like she was thinking about it. “I deserve more respect than that!”
“Not if you’re accusing Liam of being some kind of child molester! Fuck, he could lose his job over that kind of rumor, whether it has any basis in fact or not!” Austin was furious at the thought of it, even though he was pretty sure his mother’s attitude wouldn’t leave the house. Jesus, that probably meant she’d be telling Tim all about it, which took the whole situation to a new level of suck.
“I didn’t mean—” Sarah held up her hand, her mouth trembling, the color draining from her face. “Stop. Before we go too far here. This isn’t how we do things, Austin. We don’t yell and fight, not us.” She stared up at him, her face wet with tears that she brushed at impatiently. “I take that back. I do. It was a dreadful thing to say. But you have to see how much of a shock this is to me. I just don’t get it. You and Jay… You’re everything to each other. Why would you want to be involved with someone else and risk that? Weren’t you happy with each other?”
Austin felt sick, his legs about to give way. He was struggling to breathe, a panic attack imminent, but Sarah’s retraction helped steady him. He sat again, before he fell over, and took a few slow, deep gulps of air.
“Austin?” His mom edged closer, tentatively patting his back. “Oh, baby, don’t. Please. Don’t hate me.”
“I don’t. Never.” God, he could barely choke the words out. He turned into her arms and let her hug him, his mind racing, a rat trying to find a way out of the maze. When he thought he could talk coherently, he pulled back. “Mom, I can’t talk about this without them here. It’s not just about me; you can see that. If I tell you that no one’s getting hurt—physically or emotionally—that it’s making what I have with Jay stronger, not damaging it, and that all three of us love each other, will that be enough? You don’t need to like it or approve or even understand it, but can you just trust me and accept it the way you did when I told you I was gay?”
She looked so upset, more upset than he could remember seeing her, and it was awful to know he was the cause. “Of course I trust you,” she said unconvincingly. “You know I just want you to be healthy and happy?”
“I do,” Austin said. He did know that, though it didn’t make it any easier to know she was also disappointed in him for not being in the kind of relationship she’d thought he was. “I am. If something was wrong, I’d tell you.”
“Would you?” Her eyes searched his.
“Well, I’m not April. I’m not going to call you every time something goes a tiny bit wrong and expect you to drop everything and fix it for me.” He forced a small smile onto his face, hoping to shift the mood.
“She’s sensitive,” Sarah protested. “And she’s a girl. Girls need more support than boys.”
Thank God. Now if he could just keep her focused on April instead of him. “What do you think’s going on with Ryan? Is she just overreacting?”
Sarah had spent too many years automatically putting April first because she was the one who caused the most trouble. When given the choice between a difficult discussion that threatened the good relationship she had with Austin, and April’s issues, there was never any doubt which option she’d choose.
It wasn’t as if the talk about Liam was going anywhere, after all. Sarah would process what he’d told her, regroup, and probably bring it up again, but the first shock was over, and when it came down to it, there was nothing she could do. She’d relied on Austin for years, trusted his judgment, leaned on him when life had gotten hard. To go from that to doubting him and treating him as if he were a child was too much of a shift. She needed him to be what he’d always been, her oldest son, her mainstay, and Austin just hoped that by the next time she saw Liam, she’
d have her feelings under control enough to be polite, at least.
It was some small comfort to know that if she wasn’t, if she laid into Liam verbally or even took a swing, Liam would understand, one parent to another.
“I don’t know.” Sarah picked up her coffee and took a sip, sniffing back the last of her tears. “She’s always so emotional, but she really seemed to have settled down with him. I mean, he took her home for Thanksgiving. That’s how serious he seemed to be.”
Thanksgiving without April had been peaceful to the point where Austin had felt guilty about how little he’d missed her. Leaving Liam to spend it alone had sucked, but Liam had seemed genuinely indifferent at not being with his family. “I’ll see my kids at Christmas. I’d only be in the way if I invited myself to Barbara’s house. Besides, I’m English, remember. It’s not such a big deal for me. Just bring me back some leftovers, assuming there are any.”
“I think he means it; she’s affecting his studies, so he wants to cool things off until he’s able to balance work and play. She might see that as a rejection and freak, but she’s an idiot because that’ll just make him want to back away more.”
“You should tell her that,” Sarah said. “She’ll listen to you.”
Yeah, that always happened. “She never has before.”
“You’d be surprised.” Sarah sat upright, a familiar look of determination hardening her features. “Austin, I’m not going to pretend I’m happy about this situation you’ve gotten yourself into. I’m not. It’s just…it’s wrong. But you’ve made it plain that it’s what you’ve decided you want, and I can’t turn my back on you over it. You’re my son. I love you. Nothing will ever change that.”
Austin gave an inarticulate mumble of thanks, unsure what to say and certain there was a but coming.
“But you still have a duty to this family, and your sister needs you. She’s coming home soon for the vacation. I’d like you to go up there, meet this Ryan, find out what’s going on, and bring her home. I wouldn’t put it past her to do something foolish like run after him, and I want her under my roof at Christmas.”
The prospect of a four-hour drive, an embarrassing talk with Ryan, and a hellish trip back with a sobbing, overwrought sister didn’t appeal at all, but Austin knew his consent was a given. His mom was making it plain that it was the price he’d have to pay for a grudging acceptance of his redefined relationship.
“What about me, Mom? Do you want me here too, with Jay?”
Her eyes were guarded, as if she suspected a trap. God, things between them were never going to be the way they had after this. He’d lost something he’d relied on all his life. He knew it was worth it, but it still hurt. “Not Liam?”
“He’ll be with his family.”
“They live far away, don’t they? See? A parent wants to be together with their children for the holidays. It will always be that way.” Sarah seemed reassured, like she’d been reminded that Austin belonged to her and no one could take him away for good. “So you’ll make the arrangements with April?”
“Yeah. Yes, of course I will.” The whole thing sounded like a nightmare, but if it smoothed things out, he’d do it.
“Good. I think her classes end next week. She was saying she’s too stressed out to study for finals, but I’m sure you can convince her otherwise. It would be a horrible waste of all that tuition money if she left before the semester was over.” Sarah nodded. “Good. Then I’ll just ask you to do me one more favor.”
Austin kept his sigh silent. “Okay.”
“I want you to promise me you’ll do some serious thinking about what’s best for you. No, I don’t want to talk about it more than that—just promise me. I’m sure one of those doctors you work for could recommend a good therapist.”
Yeah, that so wasn’t happening, but right then she just wanted him to agree with her, so he did. “Okay. I’ll think about it. I promise.”
“Good,” she said again. “Now, do you want a slice of pound cake? I made some last night.”
Chapter Sixteen
“Slow down,” Liam said for the third time. “Austin, you’re not making any sense.”
He’d walked in through the door, disappointed not to be greeted the way he was getting used to, with one or both of them hurrying forward to smile at him and drop to their knees. The first time they’d done it, his breath had been taken away, the immediacy of his physical reaction leaving him aroused to the point where he’d needed every ounce of his control not to order them to the bedroom.
Even in a short time, it’d become a focal point of his day, something to anticipate as he sat in a meeting or fought his way through rush-hour traffic. Usually he did no more than brush his hand over their heads before snapping his fingers and bringing them to their feet, but knowing that if he wanted, he could stand there in the hallway, unzip his pants, and feel their mouths on him a moment later, warm, eager, loving, was deeply satisfying.
Tonight he’d walked into turmoil, Austin striding up and down in the family room, his voice raised, his usual calm shattered, with Jay trying to comfort him and being shrugged off every time he touched Austin.
“What part of ‘my mom knows we’re a threesome, and she’s freaking out’ do you two not get?” Austin threw back his head, inhaling sharply, his hands clenched. “Jesus! She knows, okay? She fucking knows.”
“And has she disowned you?” Liam asked.
Austin stopped his pacing and looked at Liam. “Um. No.”
“Good. Everything else we can deal with. Put some water on for tea, please.” Liam knew being asked to do something was likely to ground Austin, so they might as well try that first before moving on to the inevitable discussion.
He hung up his coat while Jay loitered nearby, seemingly torn between following Austin to the kitchen and being reassured by Liam. When Liam walked past him, headed after Austin, Jay followed along at his heels.
“He’s really upset,” Jay muttered.
“Yes, I got that. Are you going to help the situation or wind him up further?” That was enough to give Jay the hint he needed so Liam would be able to focus on Austin and the problem at hand.
“She saw us kissing!” Austin said, leaning back against the counter as if it was all that kept him from sliding to the floor. “At the housewarming party.”
Liam sighed. He’d tried to suggest he not make an appearance at the party at all, but they’d managed to talk him into attending and look where it had got them.
“I don’t suppose you could have explained it away as a joke or a dare? She’d had a lot to drink, you know.”
“Not on top of all the grief she’s been giving me about bruises and abusive boyfriends.” Austin gripped the counter behind him, his fingers flexing restlessly. “She spun this wild theory, bouncing around from me escaping Jay beating up on me and running to you as a father figure, to you being some kind of pervert preying on kids—yes, that’s what she called us, kids, like we’re twelve or something. Then she…she—”
“That’s enough,” Liam said, edging the words so that they cut sharply through Austin’s increasingly hysterical rant. He felt his stomach lurch with some part of the distress Austin was feeling, but he didn’t let any of it show on his face or in his voice. From the little he knew of Sarah, she’d seemed a sensible woman, with a blind spot when it came to her spoiled daughter, but he’d appreciated her unquestioning acceptance of Austin and Jay’s relationship. His opinion hadn’t changed, not yet.
She could do so much damage to Liam’s life if she wanted to, but though that was definitely worrying, Liam found himself far more concerned with the fallout for Austin. If Liam never spoke another word to Sarah, it wouldn’t trouble him in the slightest; she didn’t matter to him. But if Austin lost her love and support, he’d be devastated—and that did matter.
Austin went still, frozen; then he licked his lips and gave Liam a trusting look, appealing to him for help. “What are we going to do, Sir?”
“Your mother
discovered something that would leave any parent upset,” Liam said, speaking slowly, measuring every word. “She lashed out, as we all do when we’re faced with something that scares or angers us. She loves you too much to stay angry with you, even if she never forgives me.”
“Liam’s right.” Jay went to Austin’s side, sliding an arm around Austin’s waist. This time he wasn’t rejected. Austin shuddered, the rigidity leaving him, and leaned gratefully into Jay’s hug. Behind them, the kettle began to boil. There was something touching about the way Austin had obeyed Liam’s order to make tea, even in the middle of a meltdown. “Your mom adores you. She loves you all, but you’re her favorite.”
“She doesn’t know everything about our relationship, I take it?” Liam waited for the answer, inwardly wincing. If Austin had blurted that out too…
Austin shook his head. “No, Sir. God, no. She thinks it’s just for the sex, or the novelty factor, I guess. I told her we all loved each other, and it slid off. She didn’t take it in.” He choked on a strangled laugh. “She wants me to see a fucking therapist.”
“Is that something you think would help you?” Liam asked doubtfully.
Austin’s lip quivered, making Liam want to stroke his fingers over it, bite down on the soft, tremulous flesh until the only reason Austin was shaking was from arousal. “No! I get panic attacks sometimes, but not often, and moving in, being with you, it’s helped so much. We all know what a therapist would say—that we’re sick, codependent, that Jay and I have daddy issues and you’re using us. None of it’s true, none of it’s us, so why put ourselves through that? I don’t want to.”
“I’m not doing it,” Jay said, shaking his head so that his long hair whipped back and forth. “Jesus. No fucking way. No.”