by River Savage
Confining myself within the marble walls of my bathroom gives me a disturbing comfort. I find solace in the silence. If that doesn’t work, then my screams block out her cries, reminding me I still have a voice when I release a small piece of my fear.
Letting the sound of my pain echo off the walls gives me the reprieve I am searching for. Does it fix the issue that something is happening with me? No. Nor does it make Harlow stop crying and give me the peace my mind so desperately needs in order to heal. No. Sitting in the shower, locked away in the bathroom, hiding from my family is the only way I can deal. I can block out everything around me and be someone else. Somewhere else. I’m not a mom who is laced with guilt for not being happy when I have everything to be happy for. I’m not this panicky person whose heart races just from picking out what clothes Low is going to wear. Pretending is my relief. It’s how I manage to block it all out. I know it isn’t healthy, but some days pretending is just easier.
After brushing my teeth, I climb into bed and bury myself under the covers. I know I should go out, check on Low and Z, but now that Nix is home, I know he will have it under control. With the day’s exhaustion catching up on me, I force my eyes shut, and pray I fall asleep before Nix comes back. The last thing I need tonight is to go over what happened today.
***
“Kadence?” I hear whispered into my ear. I open my eyes and find the room is shadowed in darkness as Nix’s bedside lamp illuminates his side of the room. I must have fallen asleep.
“Don’t touch me.” I pull away, hiding myself further under the covers. This is something I have allowed the last few weeks, him holding me in the quietness of our bed. But tonight, I can’t even stand to have him near me.
“I don’t want to fight, baby. I don’t even want to talk. Just let me hold you.”
“Nix.” I tense when he pulls me closer to him. “Not now.” I keep my eyes closed, needing to find sleep again.
“Fuckin’ when then?” He pulls away, hitting the empty space of the bed beside him.
“Just don’t touch me,” I repeat, sinking further into my cocoon of bed covers.
“Jesus, Kadence. The only fuckin’ time I touch you is in my sleep. Don’t fuckin’ take that from me too. Don’t push me away when I’m hangin’ on by a fuckin’ thread. I miss you, baby. I miss your hands, your smile. Fuck, I miss your face.”
“I’m not trying to push you away, Nix, but you need to give me more time.” I keep my eyes closed. Too afraid to turn and see what his eyes are telling me.
“This is not just about you, Kadence. There are two people in this marriage. How long do I have to wait? How long until we come undone?”
I turn, pissed off he just won’t give up. “You’re unbelievable, do you know that? You don’t get sex for seven weeks and you’re threatening me with this bullshit? You want to fuck? Huh? You want to take me when it’s clear that I don’t want it? You want me to just lay there and fucking pretend?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you, woman? You think this is about sex? You don’t talk to me. You won’t let me hold you and you won’t tell me what is happening with you. When was the last time you went outside? The last time you laughed, or even smiled? ” He continues to throw everything I’m failing at right back at me, and each jab makes me hate myself even more.
“I’m just tired, Nix. Last time I checked, I just had a baby. A baby who won’t eat, and who has ruined my fucking body. Who screams for twenty-hours a day. And you want to know what the fuck is wrong with me?” My insecurities surge forward as I scream at the top of my lungs. Fear, hatred, and pain fuel my rage, yet a small part of me knows he has a right to be worried. It’s not just about Harlow and what is happening with her. It’s about us and me, because something is happening with me.
“Don’t put words in my fuckin’ mouth, woman.” He runs his hand through his hair in frustration. I can’t do anything to fix this. To fix me. We both sit in silence looking at each other.
Broken.
Falling apart.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I whisper. Communication was never this hard. The distance growing further between us as each day passes makes me afraid that this is what we’ve become.
“I just want to bring you happiness, baby,” he sighs, but before I can tell him I don’t think he can, Harlow’s cries come through the monitor. I move off the bed to go to her, knowing she will need to be fed.
“You walk out of this room, Kadence, you walk out on me.” His cold tone stops me from moving any further. It’s the same tone he used in the bathroom. “Leave her,” he commands, but the thought of continuing this conversation, where we tear each other down, has me fighting him.
“Nix, I have to check on her.” I continue to the door.
“Don’t you dare leave this fuckin’ room. I’m important too. I’m your fuckin’ husband. Do you hear me? We are important.” His hand sweeps across his nightstand, causing one big crash that sends everything tumbling to the floor. I’m frozen in place, my hand resting on the door handle. The room is silent. The shock of what has gone on tonight so raw I don’t think either of us knows how to process it.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I repeat, closing my eyes when Harlow’s cries grow louder, sending my anxiety rising. Doesn’t he know he’s only making it worse?
“Jesus, I don’t know. Give me a look, smile at me…fuckin’ touch me. Give me a connection that says we’re on the same fuckin’ side. I can’t continue to stay in this place we are in. I’m drowning here, Kadence. We both are, and I just don’t know if I can keep treading water for both of us. You have to help me, baby. You have to want us to survive.” He falls to the bed, his head dropping to his hands. Seeing him like this, in this state makes me realize that our situation is bigger than me, than him. It’s bigger than either one of us realize.
“That’s not fair.” I release the handle and turn, collapsing against the wall. The wind knocks out of me as his words resonate within me. We are drowning and I have to stop fighting. At this realization, my knees become weak. Standing becomes too hard. I slide down the wall, dropping my ass to the carpet.
“Life isn’t fair, Kadence. I wish it was, but it just isn’t. Look where we both have come from; look where life has taken us. We won’t survive if you won’t talk to me, Kadence. Talk to someone.” He stands to come to me, but having him in my space only makes things worse.
“Please don’t.” I draw in a breath, defeated. His frustration and concerns only prove what a bad mother I’ve been, what a bad wife I’ve become.
“Don’t what, Kadence? Don’t make me walk away. I want my wife back. I don’t know what’s happened, but I don’t like who you’ve become.” His voice is pained, as broken as my soul feels. His confession doesn’t surprise me, but it still burns. I know I don’t like who I’ve become. How do I expect Nix to like me?
“You don’t think I ask myself that question every day? That I don’t look at myself and ask what is wrong with me? I don’t know who I’ve become, Nix. All I know is I should. I should know who I am.” My head thuds against the wall in defeat. I can’t keep going on like this. I can hear Harlow’s cries quietening, as she resettles herself, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting out of this room.
“I know who you are, Kadence. You’re the woman I love. The most amazin’ mother to our daughter, our son.” Saying Z is my son pulls at me harder. The fact that he, too, is affected by what is happening hurts even more. Nix walks over and squats to my level, careful not to get into my space, but close enough for me to reach out and touch him if I wanted to.
“Why don’t I know that? I should know that Nix.”
“You don’t have to know. I know, the kids know and that’s enough.”
“It’s not enough for me.” My hand itches to touch him, to feel his hardness under my fingers, but sitting broken on the floor of our bedroom, I know I can’t. I can’t touch the man who means everything to me and I hate myself for it.
> “When did you stop trustin’ yourself?”
“I don’t know. When did I stop being myself?” I counter, and my admission halts him for a moment. He crawls forward, coming closer into my space. His warmth, his calming presence wraps itself all over me.
“The first step is askin’ for help, baby. Let me help you. You don’t have to be alone. Let me learn to breathe the ugliness you see. Let me share the darkness, Kadence. Just don’t push me away.” His pleading pulls at me, pulls at the hatred that has settled inside.
“I’m not doing good, Nix,” I say, looking up and giving him what he needs. What I need. “Somewhere along the way, I woke completely lost and overwhelmed. And every day, it gets harder and harder to deal.” A sob tears from deep within me, and walls I’ve been hiding behind crumble down.
“I know, baby.” He pulls me into the hardness of his chest. “We’re gonna be okay,” he promises, and everything in me wants to believe him. Everything in me wants to trust he has me. That he has us. But the truth is, I’ve drowned in so much self-doubt and uneasiness, that trust seems so far away.
CHAPTER FIVE
Nix
Four Months Later.
“You still here?” Jesse walks in, dropping his keys on the clubhouse bar.
“Yeah, you sort that shit out with Liquid?” I ask. He was called away an hour ago with some staffing issues, leaving the rest of my brothers to sit around and shoot the shit.
“Yeah, we’re down a waitress. Need to put another on.” Jessie takes a seat next to Brooks, taking a pull from his beer. “You still sitting around talking about fucking babies?” He motions to Harlow, sitting on my lap, and Sy who’s down on the floor with his new son, Xzavier, sleeping on his chest.
“Fuck off. You’re just jealous,” Sy murmurs, running his thumb along baby X’s forehead. X, is only six weeks old, but Sy has settled into fatherhood with such ease, anyone would think he’d done it before.
“Jealous? Fuck that. I’m happy where I’m at, asshole,” Jesse scoffs, but something in his tone tells me he is full of it. Jesse is the least family orientated man I’ve ever met. He’s loyal, passionate, but talk about settling down, he’s out of there.
“Keep telling yourself that, Jesse.” I laugh as Harlow reaches for my hand, wrapping her small fist around my finger as she tries to lift it to her mouth. Her mouth opens, and drool pools at the side, showing the first signs of teeth coming through.
“Where are the girls anyway?” Jesse asks, ignoring my jab.
“Girls’ day,” Sy answers, sitting up when X gets restless.
“They’re almost done, so we should head out.” I motion to the clock above the bar. The girls are out for some beauty day that Holly and Kadence started doing in Holly’s last few weeks of pregnancy. Once every couple of weeks, the girls go out for an afternoon and do their girly shit, spend a fuck-load of money. Doesn’t bother me as long as it helps my woman. It gives her some breathing time which means when she’s home, she’s relaxed.
“How’s Kadence doing?” Jesse turns serious. I know what he’s asking and I know he’s only asking as her friend, but it’s not something I like to talk about. But my brothers are my family. They’ve been through everything with me and stood by my side. Even when I wanted to fucking lock my family up in my home and deal with it by ourselves, they stood by me; never pushing, never giving me a hard time ‘cause I wasn’t around the clubhouse much. As much as Kadence was pushing me out, I was pushing them out.
When we brought Harlow home, I never knew we would end up where we did. When Addison had Z, it seemed so easy. Z was a good baby; sleeping through the night and even feeding well. The first few weeks of Harlow being home, I knew something was up. The house was unsettled and filled with tension; it all built up until it boiled over. The sleep deprivation didn’t help us either. At first, the doctors said it was hormonal, and Harlow was just a fussy baby, but as each week passed, I knew it was more than that. Between the feeding problems, and Kadence’s insecurities, she let it build a wall around her, dividing us. The pressure of being a good mom, of not failing, it all became too much for her. I could see it, my brothers could see it, and Z could see it. She wasn’t herself until we reached our breaking point; the night I walked through the door and had to reassure Z we weren’t falling apart.
It wasn’t my intention to push her that night, but maybe deep down I knew that was what was needed. Whatever my reasoning, it worked. The moment she admitted she knew something was wrong, I knew we would be okay. It took a few days, but after talking with her mom, Kadence agreed to book an appointment with her doctor. I don’t know what I was expecting when we went, but after discussing our options, we decided that therapy and medication would be our plan of attack. Four months, many tears, and a whole heap of frustration later, things have gradually improved.
Harlow has settled so much these past weeks. She has become calmer and more at peace. Since the tests the Doctors ran on her, we found out she was allergic to milk. Fucking go figure. Her reflux was a result of her hypersensitivity. Kadence’s insecurities of not being able to bond with Harlow through breastfeeding set us back a little, but after talking to a few moms and realizing the stress on her would be too much if she took on the diet to continue feeding, she was able to move past it.
We all have.
I’m not saying the last four months have been easy. They haven’t. It wasn’t as if those pills the doctor had prescribed Kadence fixed everything. We still had our bumps. Lack of sleep was still an issue. Z still had school, and club business was still important. But things became manageable.
“She’s doing good, better.” I stand and hand Harlow to Beau as I gather up her toys. He takes her easily, lifting her up in the air to make her squeal.
“You ready to get going, bud?” I call out to Z as he walks out of the kitchen.
“Yep,” he answers with a mouthful of food.
“Can you take your sister’s shit out to the car for me?” I point to the baby bag sitting on the table. He nods and does as I ask, waving to the boys as he goes.
“How you doin’?” Beau asks, knowing I don’t want to talk about it, but asking anyway.
“I’m good. We’re getting there.” I nod, believing it. While we’re not back to where we were before Low, we’re gradually finding ourselves. “Havin’ a family dinner this weekend. I want you all there.” I turn back to look at Jesse in particular. The last few weeks Jesse has been missing around here. His family have been giving him a hard time the last few months, and since then, he’s been somewhat withdrawn. “First time she’s been ready to have you all over at once. I know we’ve had a fucked-up time the last few months, that’s been on her mind. I don’t want it to be an issue, okay?” My brothers all nod, knowing this is a good sign.
“I’m there if she’s making her lasagna.” Jesse smirks.
“You’re there even if she’s makin’ fuckin’ eggs,” I warn. His brows rise, but he doesn’t say anything else.
“But she’s making her lasagna though, right?” Hunter, our newest brother calls from behind the bar.
“Yeah.” I turn and watch a shit-eating grin spread across his face.
Yeah my woman can cook a mean fucking lasagna. My phone beeps in my pocket letting me know I have a text. Pulling it out, I see Kadence’s name flash across the screen.
Kadence: Ready, baby.
A small smile plays on my lips and I try to ignore the pansy-ass feeling that stirs in my gut at seeing her call me baby. The last four months have been focused on getting Kadence back to a place where she is happy and healthy. But along the way, I’ve also been hurting. I’ve been missing the woman I fell in love with. Underneath the broken woman who would stare back, was the woman I needed. I just had to take a back seat until she returned.
Nix: On our way. Love you.
I send the message and look up, catching Brooks watching me. Brooks is close to a big brother, always giving me advice, my voice of reason when I’m losing my shit.
“You okay?” he asks. He picks up on everything, always watching everyone.
“Yeah, girls are ready,” I say, nodding to Sy. He lifts his chin and stands, ready to head out and get Holly.
“Thank fuck. This daddy-daycare bullshit you’ve got going on here is ruining my mood,” Jesse snarks, before snatching Low from Beau’s arms. He talks shit like this all the time. Says having Low and X here is a pain in his ass, but we all know he secretly loves it.
He lays Low down on his lap, tickling her belly until her high-pitch squeal escapes her little mouth. The one she only does for her uncle Jesse. Fucker.
“To do that, I need my kid, asshole,” I retort, waiting for him to get his fill.
“You’re so fuckin’ full of it, Jesse.” Sy calls him out, picking up X’s baby bag and shaking his head. Jesse ignores both of us as he continues to blow raspberries on her belly.
Just watching the scene, I find myself chuckling at how Low already has fucking bikers wrapped around her little finger. Fuck, we have turned into a daddy daycare.
“Quit fuckin’ around, Jesse. I wanna go see my wife,” I snap, watching the clock and knowing I should be on the road.
“Fine, but when are you going to let me babysit her?”
“Fuckin’ never,” I respond, taking her from him and the boys all snort.
“Why the fuck not?” He sounds offended, but I’ve no idea why. The fucker can’t take anything seriously.
“‘Cause I’ll come home and you’d probably be fuckin’ some bitch on my couch while she’s having a nap.” I laugh as I see his eyes glaze over.
“Fuck off.” He shakes his head, clearing whatever was running through his mind. “Laugh all you like, but one day you will need me, and I’ll fucking remember this.”
“Don’t hold your breath, Uncle Jesse.” I shake my head, walking to the bar to get one of Harlow’s bottles. “Don’t forget, dinner next Saturday night, seven. Don’t be late,” I remind them without a backward glance as I head out to my truck.