I’ve already determined he’s acquainted with Dante, but I can’t recall any interaction with Logan the night of the gala event. And what the hell is Neve doing in there? She wasn’t even in the auditorium for the bust-up yesterday.
“What are you doing?” Haydn demands, clutching my arm.
“What’s going on in there? Who’s that man?”
“None of your business. Let’s go before we’re discovered.”
Logan’s head flits to the window as if he’s received some silent summons. I step back, intimidated by the hostility in his glare. “Sadie! We need to get out of here. I’m not asking.” Haydn drags me around the far end of the building. I’m morosely quiet. The ferocity of Logan’s stare has intimidated me. I can’t decide whether I’m upset, or angry, or afraid, or a combination of all the above.
The morning classes crawl by and I check my watch at least fifty times. As soon as the lunch bell tolls, I zoom off like there’s a rocket up my ass.
My heart starts this weird little tribal dance as I approach the entrance and spot Logan’s alluring form waiting for me.
“Hi.” I attempt to project confidence.
“Hi, Sadie.” He glances at me once before looking away. I sense something is off, and I’m having a hard time keeping a lid on my writhing panic. Shoving his hands in his jean pockets, he shifts awkwardly from foot to foot. “Walk with me?”
I place one foot in front of the other and follow him in jerky, robotic fashion. The typical warmth in his presence is gone, replaced by discernable coolness. Giving myself a quick pep talk, I pull myself together. If he’s going to give me the cold shoulder again, then I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much it upsets me. As we round the corner to the little café, I add a layer of steel to my heart.
Dismissing Logan’s offer of lunch, I simply request water. At least if Ria is anywhere in the vicinity, I won’t have to remove my shirt this time if things turn nasty.
Logan reappears promptly with a glass of water for me and a cappuccino for him. He blows gently on the steaming cup before pressing his lips to the frothy foam and licking it with one quick sweep of his tongue. All I can think is those lips were on my mouth yesterday. That tongue was feathering against mine.
While it’s apparent that it meant nothing to him, it meant the world to me.
Logan appears reluctant to kick this off, so I man up for both of us. I know I only have a short window before my disappointment and heartache get the better of me. I refuse to show any outward upset or cave to any urge to cry. “So, what happened?”
“You have permission to stay in Thalassic City; however, the director might be a bit frosty with you.” He says all this while looking at the strangely fascinating table.
“I’m quitting the performance anyway.”
“No, don’t do that.” His gaze reluctantly meets mine. Unnamed emotion shines briefly behind his eyes, but it’s gone before I can figure it out.
“It was a silly idea anyway.” Self-consciously, I run my fingers through my much-longer hair.
“I don’t want you to miss out on anything because of me. And don’t worry about Dante, he won’t be back there.” Logan resumes staring at the tabletop.
“What do you care? It’s clear from your behavior that you regret what transpired between us yesterday. So why are you bothered whether I stay in drama class or not.” I clench my jaw so tightly I’m sure I’m shaving shards off my teeth.
“That’s not it,” he says sadly. He still won’t look at me.
“Look at me and tell me what’s going on. Don’t I at least deserve a proper explanation this time? You promised. You always promise and then let me down.” I sound petulant, but I don’t care. He does owe me that much. I’m fed up of people sheltering me from the truth, no matter the reason.
He visibly flinches as if hit. “I shouldn’t have made promises I can’t keep.” He finally looks directly at me. “Your safety is of paramount importance to me. And you are safe, provided you stay away from me. It’s not what I want, but it’s the way it has to be.”
At least he looks as miserable as I feel.
“Why? Why does it have to be like this? I don’t understand!” My pitch has risen a notch along with my escalating frustration.
“It just has to be.” He looks away again.
That’s obviously as much as I’m going to get. I’m sick of the truth continually being kept from me. Suddenly, I can’t bear to be in his company a second longer. “You know what? I’m way better off without you anyway.” I hop up. “I’ve had enough of your mood swings, and your lies.”
“I’m—”
“Spare me. Yeah, yeah, you’re sorry.” I walk off but then spin around, colliding with Logan who has trailed behind me. “You know the worst thing of all?” I reach up on tiptoes so my face is close to his. “I’ve never let any guy in. You’re the first one I even dared to like. But you play with my feelings like they aren’t real.” I take a step back, conscious that I’m losing control of my emotions. “I care for you, but you keep throwing that back in my face.”
Repugnant tears prick my eyes. I turn to leave
“Sadie.” Logan takes my arm. “I care about you too. Honestly, I do.”
If I believed that was true, maybe it would soften the blow. But I don’t, and his comment rubs me wrong in about a million different ways. Tears subside, replaced by righteous anger.
“Ha! What a funny way you have of showing it. I suppose you’ll be back to your endless stream of dates, a different girl on your arm every night? The idea of kissing the same girl all the time must be boring for you, huh?”
“It’s not like that!” His eyes narrow.
“Whatever.” Shoving him away, I march off, unwilling to listen to any more lies.
A firm arm wraps around my waist from behind and I’m lifted off my feet.
“Put me down!” I fume.
“No,” he admits without apology. He walks around the corner with me pressed tight to his front, as if I weigh nothing at all.
When we are out of sight of prying eyes, he lets me down against the side of the building. Stretching his arms out overhead, he cages me in with his body. I hate that it both thrills and annoys me.
“Leave me alone.”
“Not until you understand something.” His hair falls into his eyes as he lowers his head. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe, even if that means hurting myself. Those other girls mean nothing to me. Nothing! And I haven’t kissed a single one of them.”
I huff. “Now you think I’m an idiot as well?” My tone is scathing.
“I don’t think that.” He shakes his head. “I’ve to keep up appearances, and it’s the best way of deflecting attention from you. I thought I’d blown it yesterday but all isn’t lost. I don’t like that it has to be this way, but there’s no choice.”
“You promised you’d explain things. I know this isn’t just about some feud with Dante. You owe me an explanation, Logan, at least give me that.”
Withdrawing his hands, he steps back and drags a hand through his hair. “I wish I could explain, Sadie. But I can’t. It’s far safer if you don’t know.”
All my anger returns in a blinding rage. “Who are you to determine what is safe for me? Besides, safety is about more than physical protection.” I stop myself from going further. I don’t want to get into this with him. I’ve already given him too much of myself.
“I’m more than qualified to decide what is and isn’t safe when it comes to you. You will not fight me on this.” He has the look of someone who is used to issuing orders and being obeyed.
My fists are fidgety at my side, and the urge to hit something—hit him—is strong. But I refuse to relinquish control because that would be akin to admitting defeat. “Screw you, Logan.” Ducking under his arm, I glare at him. “Stay the hell away from me. You can pass that message onto Haydn and Neve too.”
“We can’t—”
“We’re done,�
� I say, motioning between us. “I never want to see you again.”
CHAPTER 20
I refuse to be a victim, so I invoke my old fail-proof tried and tested techniques for deflecting hurtful sentiments over the course of the next two months. Logan is true to his word, and he does his best to steer clear of me. However, it’s impossible to avoid each other completely considering we’re both attending the campus on a daily basis and coming to and from the apartment complex all the time.
My heart is a block of stone—hard and impenetrable, but not indestructible. Unfortunately. I’m resisting Logan’s allure, but I’m far from an emotional robot. There are days when I intercept a sly glance, a sad smile, a yearning look, and my heart pulses to life, but I beat it back down before stupid hope lays claim.
I have less success avoiding Neve and Haydn who loiter like annoying siblings. While Haydn definitely got the memo I wasn’t happy to travel to campus together anymore, he trails me most of the journey. I had considered reporting him to Vin, but I don’t want to get him in trouble, and it’s not that he has done anything to earn my wrath.
That’s all on Logan.
I’m flat-out stalking Vin these days. He submitted my application for the special government project, but so far, he hasn’t received any confirmation of my acceptance. I’m acing all my classes, and I’ve signed up to virtually every extracurricular project going.
There isn’t much more I can do but sit and wait. Not my strongest suit.
I manically fill each waking hour so there’s no spare time to think. I’m participating in the play, and I’ve taken up yoga and art classes, and Jarod is teaching me how to code. Most nights I flop into bed, thoroughly exhausted.
To my extreme confusion, there’s been no further contact from my father. One part of me isn’t all that surprised, or that bothered, but there’s another side that’s hugely disappointed. I’ve reiterated his words over and over in my mind, and I can’t believe he wasn’t sincere. He meant what he said. I’m certain of it. So, why won’t he agree to any of my weekly Videocon requests?
Now that Jenna has kicked me fully to the curb, I miss Neve’s friendship, but I’ve no desire to rekindle it when she’s clearly concealing so much. Subsequently, Fern and I have grown close, and we hang out with Jarod most evenings and weekends.
It’s early Friday night and the three of us are in Jarod’s apartment watching an old movie called Men in Black II. We watched the first installment the previous night, and while they’re practically ancient at this stage, they are hugely entertaining. Cheesy but funny. Unfortunately, I remember how Logan mentioned he was a big Will Smith fan, so although the movie is enjoyable, I’m distracted with thoughts of the boy I still crave.
I’m pathetic, I know.
Even now, months later, the memory of his lips on mine causes the most illicit desire to ravage my body. That boy really got under my skin.
Sighing inwardly, I attempt to refocus on the movie.
Agent J is offering to get coffee for his partner, and my ears perk up with sudden awareness when I hear mention of “kiss-my-ass cubes.” I sit up straighter, blinking ninety to the dozen. No way! Logan used a Will Smith line on me?!
That’s actually weirdly endearing.
A little while later, I identify another one of Logan’s borrowed one-liners. A strangled laugh escapes my throat, and Fern and Jarod glance inquisitively at me.
“Private joke,” I mumble.
Logan’s geekiness affects me in a way I wish it wouldn’t. Most guys his age wouldn’t be seen dead watching or talking about some old movie, let alone spouting lines from it. It only serves to emphasize his uniqueness, which is not something I want to be thinking about right now, or anytime really.
While I’ve put on a great show—if I’m being brutally honest— that’s all it is. My heart hasn’t yet recovered, and I’m not sure it will. I know how dramatic that sounds, but seriously, Logan reached into that innermost part of me and held me captive. Even though it’s strange, because we haven’t spent that much time together, it’s as if I’ve always known him, or we were meant to be.
Perhaps my head has been stuck in too many romance books, or it’s a side effect of my involvement in the play. I can’t fully explain it, but there’s no denying the impact Logan has had on me.
While he told me hanging out with other girls was all for appearance’s sake—I silently pout, as if I understand what that means—it’s still hard to see him out on dates. I haven’t bumped into him that much, but it’s harder to avoid the lingering gossip that’s traded all over campus. He’s starting to pick up quite the reputation even if his new player status doesn’t deter most of the girls.
“What about it, Sadie? You game?” Jarod asks, reclaiming my attention.
“Sorry, what?”
“She was miles away,” Fern says knowingly.
“Please say you’ll come to the party. You never come, and it’ll be fun. Promise.” Jarod throws puppy dog eyes at me.
I’m supposed to be at the auditorium for rehearsal, but since my demotion from Juliet to her crude, loudmouth nurse, I’ve all but lost my appetite for drama. Besides, there’s enough of it in my personal life without the need to indulge in any fictional stuff. I’m sure the director won’t question me if I tell him I have a term paper to submit. And it’s not a lie; only that I haven’t completed it yet.
I remind myself of the promise I made before I came here. That I would maximize the opportunity, and while I have been partaking in plenty that’s on offer in Thalassic City, I’ve tended to shy away from social interactions for fear of bumping into Logan. That stops right now.
“Still waiting,” Jarod taunts.
“Okay. I promise to go if you lose the puppy dog eyes.”
“Too much?” Jarod cocks his head to the side.
“Most definitely,” I say, shoving him teasingly.
***
My eyes drink in the scene. Boys and booze: The duo of destruction. This place reeks of trouble. How on earth did Jarod and Fern talk me into this? I’m tugging furiously on the hem of the clingy, silver strapless dress that Fern coaxed me into, but no amount of tugging is going to add a few inches. It hugs my body dangerously, and I’m aware of the appreciative looks I’m receiving from several of the boys at the party. Feeling practically naked, I wish I could find somewhere to hide.
This apartment complex is ten blocks from ours. Mal—the guy hosting this bash— works with Jarod in IT Security. Apparently, his Adaptation Officer has an alcohol addiction and he passes out most nights by eight. Poor guy. Hence, the reason why Mal’s apartment has become the equivalent of party central.
“Here.” Jarod hands me a white plastic cup. “Non-alcoholic punch as you requested.”
“Thanks.” I take a tiny sip of the pungent fruity drink.
Fern nudges me in the ribs as she accepts a drink from Jarod. “Look who just arrived.”
I follow her gaze to the tall good-looking guy from our Business class. She has it bad for him; they’ve been exchanging smoldering looks for weeks now. “You should talk to him.” I give her a gentle push in his direction.
“I don’t know.” She purses her lips. “I suspect he’s a bit of a player.”
Logan’s image instantly fills my mind and a familiar pang assaults me.
“My dad said he’s been featured on the show a lot lately, always with different girls. A bit like you know who.” We have an unofficial rule forbidding mention of Logan out loud.
I stopped asking Fern for weekly updates a while back. It was clear from her dad’s summaries that Logan is one of the stars of the Thalassic City TV show, and it appears he’s acquiring quite the reputation back home. In fact, if her intel is correct, we’ve all acquired mini-celebrity status. I’m glad they aren’t airing the program here. I’ve zero desire to watch myself on screen.
I refocus on the current conversation. “There’s only one surefire way of finding out. Talk to him and see if you can figure out
his game plan. I know you want to.” She’s flat-out lusting, and he’s drooling over her as if she’s the only girl in the room.
I give her another gentle shove. Confidently flicking her hair, she saunters toward him.
“I’m not sure I like this idea,” Jarod says a few minutes later, reminding me he’s still here. He’s watching the exchange across the room with obvious suspicion. Fern and the boy are angled toward one another, his hand resting casually across her lower back. They are laughing as they stare intently at one another, and it looks like she’s in there.
“Do you think Jen will be here?” Jarod asks, perceptibly changing the subject. His mouth is pressed close to my ear so I can hear him over the music.
I shrug.
“You’re still not speaking?”
“Nope.” I absently scratch my wrist. It’s not through lack of trying on my part, even though I was the one hard done by. But she’s consistently given me the brush-off, and she spends most of her time in Dante’s apartment. I don’t understand how they’re getting away with that—with the whole no fraternizing rule in operation—but at least I don’t have to worry about him hanging around me anymore. I feel guilty all the same because it’s as if I’ve abandoned Jenna to her fate, and I’m not comfortable with that. Short of barging into Dante’s apartment and trying to reason with her again, I don’t know what else I can do.
I worry about her incessantly. The last time I saw her was four days ago when she put in a brief appearance to change for work. I was shocked at how pale and gaunt she appeared. When I asked her if she was ill, she blatantly ignored me and went straight to her room.
Another pang of sadness wafts over me. I wish I understood how things deteriorated so rapidly, and why she’s changed so much. The sour taste in my mouth whenever I think about Dante refuses to go away.
“You’re doing it again,” Jarod says.
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