by Vi Keeland
Jack turned to face me. I could see he was struggling with whatever he felt and it broke my heart. “I’ll get dressed.” I jumped out of bed and headed for the closet, but I noticed that Jack hadn’t moved yet. I turned back and looked at his eyes, which were still looking in my direction but not quite focused.
“Jack?”
Jack’s eyes came back to mine and I could see he was searching for something. Eventually he nodded in silence.
***
The cab ride to the hospital was quick since rush hour hadn’t started yet. Jack was quiet the whole way, and I wasn’t sure what to say, so I held his hand in silent support.
The front desk told us that Jack’s dad was in ICU and we followed directions through a series of hallways, which eventually led to an elevator bank. Outside the elevator on the 11th floor, a nurse’s station with a curtain did little to hide the dozen patients in beds and the sounds of beeping monitors.
Jack was the type of man who took the lead wherever we went. It was just who he was. At a restaurant he would give the name to the hostess, at a bar he ordered our drinks from the bartender, in a store he paid the cashier and left her with a flirtatious smile without trying. So I knew he was struggling when we walked up to the nurse’s station and she asked us for the name and he didn’t respond.
“Are you family?” The nurse looked to both of us questioning.
“Yes, I’m his daughter in law and Jack is his son.” I squeezed Jack’s hand as I spoke, hoping he would recognize my need to lie so that they would let us both in.
The nurse pointed to the far corner of the room, where two women were working on a man and we began to walk in that direction.
“Mrs. Heston?” It took me a minute to realize that the nurse was calling after me. I turned back to the nurse.
Her voice was low and full of empathy as she spoke. “The doctor just left. He will be back in a few hours, but I should warn you….” The nurse hesitated and it looked as if she was carefully choosing the right words. “Your father in law’s heart has been very badly damaged, and he is on life support. The machines are breathing for him now.”
What was the nurse trying to tell me? Was Jack’s father going to die? People had heart attacks all the time and survived. I suddenly felt a wave of nausea and the room began to spin.
“Mrs. Heston, are you alright?” The nurse’s voice was full of concern as she took a quick step towards me.
Jack seemed to snap out of his fog and I heard panic in his voice when he spoke. “Syd, are you okay?” He turned to stand in front of me, grabbing my shoulders to steady me.
I took a deep breath in and struggled to regain my composure. I was supposed to be there supporting Jack, not the other way around. “Yes, yes, I’m fine. Sorry, hospitals sometimes make me queasy.” I feigned a small smile.
Jack watched me for a moment and then nodded, seemingly satisfied at my answer. We walked over to Mr. Heston’s bed and the sight startled me. The usually tan, vibrant man was pale and hollow-looking. There were machines moving up and down and monitors flashing numbers, all feeding from wires draped loosely from his lifeless body.
Jack stood looking at his father for a long time without saying a word. Long minutes passed as my heart ached, watching the man I loved looking lost as he stared down at the lifeless body before him. Eventually, I pulled two chairs from the foot of the bed over to the side so that we could sit next to him together. The man that lay before me looked so helpless and lonely. I knew how Jack felt about him, but it still broke my heart to see him that way. I couldn’t imagine what Jack must have been feeling.
Without thinking, I reached out and took the man’s hand. My eyes welled up as the hand didn’t respond to my touch. I just knew someone needed to comfort him at that moment, no matter what he had done in his life. I saw Jack’s jaw tense out of the corner of my eye, but he didn’t say a word.
“He shouldn’t be alone now,” I whispered to Jack.
Jack studied me for a moment and eventually nodded his head, taking my other hand in his.
Hours went by, but it felt like days as we sat and waited for the doctor to come in. When the doctor finally arrived, he explained that they were going to take him for a head scan to check for brain activity and we would know more after we received the results. When the transporters came to take him, the nurses suggested we go find some coffee and breakfast.
I told Jack that we should probably call Betty, as I sipped my coffee looking out the window at the rush hour traffic outside. He agreed, but I was surprised when he handed me his phone. I gave Betty an update and promised to call her when I had more news.
***
It was at least three hours later, and we had resumed our positions next to Mr. Heston’s bed, by the time the Doctor came back. I watched for any sign of life as I held his hand, but the more time that passed, the less hope I had.
“Can we speak out in the hallway, Mr. and Mrs. Heston?” The doctor’s voice was somber and I didn’t think our conversation was going to bring good news.
Jack and I followed him dutifully to the hall, our clamped hands never loosening. “I’m sorry to tell you, but the repeat scan found no brain activity. It’s been twelve hours, so the chances of any meaningful recovery have drastically decreased. We will repeat the scan in twelve hours before making a final diagnosis, but, at this point, you may want to begin to prepare yourself.” The doctor paused to let us take in the enormity of what he had just told us.
“Does your father have a DNR?” The doctor looked to us both, and I looked to Jack.
“I have no idea.” Jack squeezed my hand as he spoke.
“Is there anyone that would know?”
Jack didn’t respond. I put my free hand on Jack’s arm. He was squeezing my hand so tightly that my fingers were starting to go numb. He looked down at me in response to my touch.
“Betty, maybe?” I had no idea who else Mr. Heston was close enough to entrust anything of that magnitude to.
Jack nodded and looked back to the Doctor. “We will make some calls. Thank you, Doctor.”
***
The next twelve hours felt like months. The nurses suggested we leave and come back, since there was no change in his status, but Jack didn’t seem to want to go anywhere and I thought that Mr. Heston shouldn’t be left alone anyway. I knew how Jack felt about the man, but there are times in life when all old grudges and animosities have to be set aside, and it was definitely one of those times.
By the time the doctor came back after the third scan, I was already sure what it would confirm. I had sat with Mr. Heston’s cold, lifeless hand in mine for almost a full day and I already knew that the man was gone. The shell was still being kept alive by machines, but my heart told me that his life that once was, was over.
The doctor confirmed my suspicion and we called Betty to messenger over the original DNR form that she had already faxed to the hospital. Even though I had never met Betty, I knew who she was when I saw Jack’s reaction to the older woman walking through the ICU toward us. He looked at her the way a boy looked at his mother. I knew she had been with Mr. Heston since Jack was a baby, but the way he looked at her confirmed that they had all been close once.
“You didn’t have to bring it down yourself, Betty.” Jack’s words said one thing, but I could tell he was comforted by the woman’s appearance.
Betty reached out and pulled Jack into a hug. “You boys are my family, this is where I belong.”
Jack nodded and attempted a small smile. “Betty, this is Sydney.”
The old woman surprised me by pulling me in for a hug. “I’m so glad I finally got to meet you, Sydney. I’ve heard so much about you.”
Interesting. I wondered who had told her whatever she had heard. “It’s nice to meet you too, Betty.”
***
I’m not sure what I thought was going to happen when the time came to turn off the life support, but whatever was in my head was definitely more climatic than how it happened.
When the time came, a young doctor we had never met walked over and said a few words and then simply turned off all of the machines except the heart monitor. It took about five minutes. The three of us, Betty, Jack and I, stood together and watched as the numbers slowly declined. Seventy-five. A minute later, fifty-two. Forty. Another minute later, twenty-seven. Finally, the slow descent hit zero and the blips on the screen that once were mountains became flat plains.
Betty and I cried quietly as the doctor turned off the last monitor and manually checked for a pulse that he knew was already gone. It felt ceremonial rather than necessary. “Time of death, 6:52am.”
Jack stood there staring at what was once his father. He didn’t speak or cry or even make a single sound. I gave him a few minutes of silence before I eventually squeezed his hand in a silent gesture to ask if he was okay. When he turned to look at me, his face was indifferent, and for a moment I thought he might be in shock. Then I watched as his face changed from stone to concern, when he took in my tears. A quiet sob escaped me when he took his thumb and gently wiped away my tears.
***
Jack was still quiet as the three of us made our way out the front door of the hospital. It felt odd to leave, knowing that we were leaving such a big part of Jack’s life inside that would forever be changed. Jack had called Mateo to pick us up and offered Betty a ride home, which she politely declined. We both hugged Betty goodbye and Jack walked her to her waiting cab. She stopped as she was about to get in and looked up at Jack. “I know it’s not my place, but you should know that your father loved you a great deal. He just didn’t know how to show it. I think Mrs. St. Claire was getting through to him and I know he was grateful to her for giving updates on how the two of you were doing.”
The old woman looked frail, the last twenty-four hours having taken its toll on her. She smiled at me and reached up and kissed Jack on the cheek. “I’m sorry for your loss, Jack. Call me later when you feel up to it and I will help you make arrangements.”
I watched Jack close the door to Betty’s car, stunned at what I had just heard. At first I wondered if I had even heard right, because Jack didn’t seem to react to what she had just said. But then I replayed her words over and over in my head and realized that there was no way to mistake what she had said — Jack’s father had been keeping in touch with my mother.
Jack didn’t say much on the way home, but he still gripped my hand tightly. I tossed around whether or not to bring up the bomb that Betty had just dropped, but the look on Jack’s face told me it wasn’t the right time to talk about it. Jack had been through enough the last day and he didn’t need me to open old wounds and stir up more hard feelings toward his father.
***
I was growing more concerned about Jack when he was still quiet at home. I made us breakfast since the two of us hadn’t really eaten much in the last twenty-four hours. Jack ate, but was still uncharacteristically quiet. Neither of us had slept in more than a day and I thought that perhaps a nap would make us both feel better. I knew we had to deal with funeral arrangements, but a few hours wouldn’t have made a difference.
I drew the blinds in the bedroom, blackening out the beautiful day outside. I crawled into bed and rested my head in the crook of Jack’s shoulder, where it fit like the spot was made for me. Jack wrapped his arms around me and let out a deep breath.
My voice was a gentle whisper. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to talk?”
Jack was quiet for a moment before he spoke, “Not now, I just want to hold you, Syd.”
“Okay.”
Jack tightened his hold on me, his arms wrapped firmly around my body. I couldn’t have gotten up if I tried — not that I wanted to be anywhere else. His grip didn’t even let up as I listened as his breathing slowed and he finally fell into sleep.
***
Later in the afternoon, I made funeral arrangements with Betty. Jack was there too, but he stayed quiet, deferring any decisions to Betty and I. I called my parents in the evening, but I didn’t have a chance to ask my mother about her talking to Jack’s dad because Jack was always right next to me.
Chapter 16
The first afternoon of the funeral was a blur of businessmen in suits and introductions to people whose names I would never remember. Jack didn’t let go of my hand the entire afternoon. I was happy that he could lean on me and that I was able to bring him whatever comfort I could give, but he was still keeping everything pent up and it concerned me.
The evening session was different than the afternoon, and seemed to have brought a younger crowd. Many of Jack’s friends came by, including Tyler and almost all of the guys I had met during the week we’d spent in Hawaii. Jack’s mood seemed to lighten by having them around and I was grateful that they could give him that distraction.
I was sitting with Jack, talking to Tyler in the front row, when I saw my parents and Sienna walk in out of the corner of my eye. I actually did a double take, thinking I was seeing things, because I’d had no idea that they were coming. Jack saw my face and followed my line of vision. He gave me a small smile.
Jack released my hand reluctantly. “Go ahead, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
I kissed his cheek and walked briskly to the door.
“I had no idea you were coming!” I hugged my parents and best friend.
“Of course we came, Syd.” My mom spoke first. “You both should be around family at a time like this.” Her words warmed my heart. She spoke about Jack as if he was already part of our family.
Sienna whispered in my ear. “I came for moral support, but if I happen to find a young, handsome, rich relative of Jack’s here that is anything like Jack, that would be a bonus.” Sienna winked at me. I knew she was teasing; she would have come if the only people at the funeral were nuns.
I felt Jack come up behind me a minute later. Even if his presence didn’t still give me goosebumps all over when he came near me, I knew him when he stood near me instantly. Since the day I’d met him, he had been standing in my personal space. Not near my space, in it. If any other person stood that close I would have hated it. In high school I’d had a friend who was a close talker and it drove me crazy; I’d constantly take a step back whenever he spoke to me. But Jack’s invasion of my space had always been a turn on for me. For some reason I didn’t find it rude or annoying. When he invaded my space it reminded me of a lion guarding his cub. It was possessive and sexy and just oh so Jack.
Jack extended his hand to my father, waking me from my momentary lapse of consciousness caused by Jack’s stance behind me. “Jack Heston, Mr. St. Claire. Nice to meet you.”
My father extended his hand. “Please call me Bill, son. I’m sorry this is how we finally got to meet.”
Jack nodded, accepting my father’s condolences. He leaned over and kissed my mother’s cheek. “Renee, thank you for coming.”
Sienna extended her condolences and I watched as the two of them spoke for a few minutes before Tyler walked over and greeted Sienna with a kiss on the cheek. Sienna and Tyler’s relationship was definitely interesting. They could spend days in a hotel room together acting out their every fantasy, yet in public they looked like nothing more than old friends. I had always envied Sienna’s ability to separate her relationships into different compartments and recognize them for what they were.
***
I almost didn’t recognize Jenna when she approached. Dressed in an appropriate black-fitted suit with her hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, it was the first time I’d seen her with so little skin exposed. She smiled at Jack adoringly as she approached, but I caught her real smile falter when she finally let her eyes wander from Jack long enough to realize I was standing next to him.
“Jack, honey, I’m so sorry about your father.” Jenna kissed his cheek and held onto his arms as she spoke.
Jack thanked Jenna using the generic chatter that I had heard him repeat a hundred times before that day. Knowing that hi
s reaction to her condolences and touch gave him the same reaction as the dozens of men in suits I had met in the last day gave me a secret gratification. I noticed he quickly reclaimed my hand. And I caught Jenna’s eyes as she noticed too, which made it much easier to fake my smile as we greeted each other.
***
It was almost the end of a very long first day of services when I excused myself to go to the ladies room. We had been sitting in the front row while Jack was talking with the Vice President of the Heston Hotels, so it was a good opportunity for me to slip away. Jack stood as I stood, always the gentleman, and I kissed him on the cheek as I made my way toward the back door.
I saw my parents talking with Sienna and Tyler in the back and figured I might as well kill two birds at once.
“Mom, want to take a walk to the ladies room with me?”
“Sure, sweetheart.” I couldn’t help but notice my father immediately stood when my mother stood. I internally smiled, thinking for the first time that Jack had some of my father’s favorite qualities.
Luckily, the bathroom was empty, which gave me the perfect opportunity to get some much needed answers from my mother as to why she had been talking to Jack’s dad.
I watched my mother’s reaction through the mirror as I washed my hands. “Mom, why didn’t you tell me you were keeping in touch with Jack’s dad?”
The look on her face told me that she hadn’t been expecting my question. “He asked me not to.”
I looked up at my mother, catching her eye, my look telling her she clearly needed to elaborate.
“He told me what had happened … with him and Jack, and that Jack didn’t speak to him anymore.”
“He told you what happened?” I turned to face my mother. I was surprised, yet cautious, at what he may have told her. From what Jack had told me about his dad, he wasn’t one for admitting his faults and sharing the truth.