Now, too, he recalled the feel of wind in his wings, the eternal companionship and comfort of his fellow seraphs. The overwhelming joy that shot like a pain through his very human heart as he recalled the beauty of the heavens and the love of the Father. The love that was the light, the center of his whole world, was merely a faint warm echo now. He’d felt it dimly when he’d stood in the Cathedral, colored light from the stained glass windows fracturing around him. To feel that again... he felt his breath catch.
“Humanity is flawed. You can choose to revel in the flaws or you can resist the temptation to love one woman for the love of all humanity.” She gave him a small smile. “You know as well as I do that there are some sins you will not repent of when the time comes.” He remembered something Serafina had said to him. “Is it always sin, though, Ani? You’re the Angel of Love. What purer expression of God’s gift to mankind is there than love freely given and freely received?”
She shook her head. “I can’t say. I’m not a judge, Rue. You would know that far better than I. All I know is that you will have to choose. Soon.”
He said nothing.
She rose with a sigh. Standing on tiptoe she kissed his cheek. “Heaven’s blessings be on you, Rue. No matter what you choose, remember I wish you love. The love of one woman or the love of heaven’s light.”
Anieal fluttered her wings, the light building around her. He squinted and turned away. When he looked back, she was gone. A single amber feather was left to mark her passage. He picked it up, turning it over in his hands.
She was wrong, he realized.
Anieal, the Angel of Love, was wrong. It wasn’t so much a choice of the light of Heaven or the love of one woman, for what was love but a reflection of heaven’s light?
God was love.
He’d stood at the foot of the Lord’s throne and in the circle of Serafina’s arms and found love in both places.
Perhaps those who were too close to the light of heaven were blinded by its brilliance? With a smile, he placed the feather reverently on the dresser. He had a choice to make and a life to live.
* * * *
Shadows.
Creeping shadows crawled across the surface of the X-ray. Serafina shivered in the doctor’s cold office, hugging herself as though that would keep her from flying apart. The little blurs seemed so small, so harmless, but they were like the fingerprints of the Angel of Death.
“Ms. Kinnock, Serafina, there are quite a few things we can try.” Doctor Castor, one of the neurology specialists from Northwestern, leaned forward, his dark eyes earnest and kind. He pointed to one of the shadows. “This tumor, right over your optic nerve, is the one I find most troubling. I would like to start you on a drug therapy we’ve found to be very beneficial, right away. It could go a long way to shrinking it enough for radiation and chemotherapy to do the rest.” He made a sweeping circle over the trio of tiny spots at the back of the picture. “Chemo and radiation should take care of these glioblastomas, so we’ll table the idea of surgery right now.” He flicked through several screens on the tablet balanced on his knees. “I’d like to get you into the treatment center for your first treatment as soon as possible.” He stopped and reached out, covering her cold hand with his. He let his hand rest there, warming her fingers for a moment until she lifted her gaze to his. “Serafina.” His smile was reassuring. “Northwestern has one of the best cancer centers in the nation. You’re young, strong and determined. That counts for a lot.”
She nodded. “I know, and I keep hearing about how we’re learning new things every day.”
The young doctor nodded, though said nothing about that. “We’re going to treat this aggressively.” He tapped a few things on his tablet. “I’ve sent the prescriptions down to the hospital pharmacy. I’ve also contacted the home care liaison and the oncology specialist. I want you to talk to Susie Mosswell today. You need to know exactly what you’re looking at, here. She’s a patient care facilitator. You may need to arrange for someone to help you at home—anything from feed the cat to driving you to your appointments.” He patted her hand again. “We’ll take good care of you.”
The little ball of ice that had formed in her stomach the moment she’d seen those little shadows began to melt. They were going to help. There was something she could do. There was hope. What was that old saying? Where there’s hope there’s life? She turned her hand up, taking the doctor’s in hers. “Thank you,” she whispered. Her lips tipped up tremulously. “I don’t have a cat, but I do have a shop that needs tending.”
Dr. Castor chuckled. “Well, Susie can probably help you with that too.”
She grabbed her purse. She could feel her insides quake. She didn’t really want to go downstairs and listen to another sad-eyed, well meaning person who wasn’t looking at a life in the shadows of illness. She’d smile and listen. Fill out their paperwork and pray her insurance company didn’t drop her. She rubbed her fingers between her eyes. Weariness more than pain right now. So much to do, so many decisions to make. A little part of her wanted to play the little kid and pull the covers over her head. If she didn’t look, it didn’t exist, right? No, not in the grown up world.
Two hours later, she walked into the back door of her shop with a folder full of papers and a purse rattling with pills. Enya’s soft strains floated in from the shop. Dan’s girlfriend Chloe must be over helping him out. It was the only time he stuck with Fina’s musical choices for the shop.
She crept up the back stairs not wanting to see her cousin, not wanting to think about everything right now. She just wanted to shove all this stuff into her underwear drawer, the one drawer Dan would never think of pawing through, and forget about it for a while.
She closed the bedroom door behind her, settling on the bed. She’d washed the shirt Rue’d been wearing the night he’d stopped the mugging. There was still a gash in the shoulder, but she thought he might want it back so she’d put it at the foot of the bed hoping to see him soon. She picked it up, buried her face in the fabric and let herself go.
She wept loudly, long, and messily, muffling the sobs in Rue’s shirt, wishing it still smelled like him. Head throbbing, eyes red raw, she lay on the bed watching the sunlight move across her floor, the shirt still clutched like a talisman to her breast. She reached for the phone on the bedside table. Dimly she heard the phone ring down in the shop.
“Serafina’s Treasure Trove. Chloe speaking, how may I help you?” Dan’s girlfriend had one of the bouncy chipper voices that worked so well for this. She really was a sweetheart, though Fina just couldn’t bear to face such cheeriness right now.
“Hey, Chloe, it’s me.”
Concern tinged her voice, “Fina, is everything ok? Do you need Dan to come get you from the doctor’s?”
“No, no.” She forced her tones to be casual. “I’m already home. I went right upstairs. The doctor ran a lot of tests and gave me something for the pain.” There was something for the pain in her bag, wasn’t there? “I just want to lie down for a while.”
“Sure. I get it.” She heard an impatient little huff. “Dan, your cousin’s tired. Don’t you go up there. Fina, he has a question.” She heard a mumbled exchange and the phone thumped as it changed hands.
“Fina,” Worry tinged his tone. “You ok?”
She smiled in the fading light. “I’m better now.” She was, wasn’t she? Now that they knew, it would all be better. She’d tell him later, just not now. “I’m just really tired right now.”
“All right. Chloe and I will finish up here.” He paused. “Do you want us to stick around after? We can order Chinese and watch some screen. I’ll even let you pick out a chick flick and I promise I won’t gag.”
She thought about it. She didn’t really want to be alone with her thoughts, but she didn’t want to have to keep up the façade either, and she was in no way ready to really tell her beloved younger cousin. If she told him, he’d tell the family and she’d have to deal with his hysterical mother and her self-abso
rbed one descending on her before the week was done. She could only imagine her mom—fluttering around having her own ‘issues,’ countermanding the doctor’s orders and telling her what she should do. “No, don’t worry about it, Dan. I’m all right. Besides, didn’t you and Chloe want to catch 7th Heaven at the Snuggery tonight?”
Silence on the other end. She closed her eyes, imagining the tense conversation happening over the covered phone. He was back. “All right. You win. I’ll leave you alone tonight, but I know something’s up with you, Fina. I have my cell on if you need me. Just call and we’ll come back.”
Like he would hear his phone at the club, but it was a nice thought. “Thanks, Dan. I’ll be fine.”
“’Night. I’ll come by early tomorrow, bring you those donuts you like.”
“Sounds like a plan.” She clicked off, letting the phone rest beside her. Toeing off her shoes, she curled up and fell asleep to the sound of the traffic on the street outside.
* * * *
The pounding on the back door of the shop woke her. Groggy, she sat up and fumbled for the light. Eight pm. She’d been asleep for about three hours. “All right, all right!” she yelled down the steps. Dan must have forgotten something, along with his key.
She brushed her hair away from her face as she wandered down to the break room. She checked the peephole out of habit and froze. Rue stood on the stoop, the streetlight bright on his dark blond hair. Tugging at her wrinkled shirt and hoping she didn’t have pillow marks on her face, she fixed a cheerful look on her face and opened the door.
“Rue, I wasn’t expecting you today.”
“You look tired.” He stepped in and reached out to brush a hand over her cheek, closing the door behind him.
She closed her eyes, leaning in to the touch. “I am. I had a doctor’s appointment and it just wiped me out.”
His hand froze. “Are you all right?”
“It’s...” She shook her head and pulled back. “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s go upstairs. Are you hungry? I can fix something.”
She didn’t let him respond, didn’t really look closely at his face. She didn’t want to see any pity or concern there. She’d put it away for tonight.
He caught her on the steps; a simple tug on her hand stopped her, had her turning to face him. “Serafina.” He looked so serious, so intense. “Whatever secrets you have are safe with me.” He pressed her hand to his chest. She felt the thick beat of his heart. “I will keep your secrets close. You’ve no idea of the secrets I have.”
His eyes were filled with them. She could see their weight pressing down on him. She wanted to comfort and be comforted. She wanted the illusion of forever right now. “Rue,” she said. She lifted her free hand to his face. “Rue, please stay with me tonight?”
He kissed the fingers she danced over his mouth. “I’ll stay as long as you like.”
He swept her up in his arms, making her smile. It was so dramatic, so old fashioned romance novel, so... Rue. She twined her arms around his neck, settling against his shoulder with the warm of glow of belonging, and yes, she admitted to herself, love settled around her. She didn’t know really when it happened, but it had. Maybe it had been the first time she’d seen him slipping money into Mackey’s cup before disappearing into the sleet?
“You sure you’re not hungry? I still owe you dinner.”
He kicked the door closed behind him. “I’m hungry all right,” he murmured and let her slide down, keeping her as close to him as skin. She felt every nerve ending in her body sit up and take notice. Her heart thrummed in her chest and for once it didn’t make her head ache. Her hands crept around his neck and that was all the urging he needed.
The hesitancy, the reluctance she’d felt in him before had disappeared. His hands molded her to him. His mouth was a fever on hers. She tried to concentrate, tried to draw out the experience, remember every moment, but his hunger pulled her under. All she could do was cling to him, swept up in the heat.
His coat hit the floor. She yanked up his t-shirt, running her hands over his stomach, smiling against his mouth when she felt him suck in air. His hands fisted on her shirt. With a yank, buttons flew and he dropped his head from her mouth to her throat, his hands at work behind to unhook her bra.
They made it to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind them. Her hands molded his muscles, the strength of him thrilling through her. His hands and mouth roved over her, lighting fires in her blood. She writhed against him, hands fisted in his hair as he licked over her hip teasingly. “Rue, for the love of God, please?” she begged, yanking him up.
His eyes, as heavy with desire as the rest of his body, met hers. “Truly?” His voice was a harsh rasp against her mouth.
She couldn’t speak – the feel of him pressed against her was too much. All she could do was moan as she wiggled, trying to take him in. With a deep breath he filled her. Fina’s nails bit into his shoulders as he froze, just over her, eyes closed, head thrown back as he seemed to absorb the feeling.
She gave an impatient wiggle and he groaned, buried his face against her shoulder, his stubble shooting shivers through her as he began to move.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Rue felt his heart hammer in his chest. His brain still wasn’t functioning and his hands kept moving over Serafina’s back. He’d rolled, bringing her with him. She lay sprawled across him, her head tucked under his chin, her hands tracing idle designs over his bicep, scattering his wits every time he tried to gather them.
Nothing in all of his centuries could have prepared him for the elation, the exhaustion, the sheer joy in the physical. Laying there with this woman in his arms was worth losing his wings. The judges didn’t need him. He closed his eyes, pulling her closer. There were many judges, but only one Serafina.
“Tired?” Her words whispered across his flesh, stirring desires he’d thought fully sated.
“Happy,” he replied.
She scooted around to rest her chin on her stacked hands. Her kiss-roughened lips curved into a smile, beautiful with a touch of wicked at the edges. “You look happy.” She reached up to trace the lines of his face. “You look happy for the first time since I first saw you.”
He ran his hands over her shoulders, enjoying the feel of her smooth warm skin. “Did I look so miserable then?”
She didn’t speak at first. He could all but see the wheels turning in her head. “You looked lost,” she finally decided.
His hands buried themselves in her tumbled red curls, tugged her forward. “I’m found now,” he whispered against her mouth. He felt her shift, closed his eyes as her heat closed around him and she began to move.
Dark humor and desire threaded through her voice. “Look at what I’ve found.”
Need was a storm shuddering through him. He’d ridden the lightning and flown with tornadoes. He’d stood for centuries at the threshold of Hell and sentenced the worst of mankind. And nothing, nothing in all these long centuries could have prepared him for the temptation of woman.
Hours later she slept curled up on her side, her bottom tucked against his groin. Rue couldn’t sleep, fearing that if he closed his eyes it would be nothing more than a dream. He’d open his eyes and find himself at the iron gates of the underworld, a line of souls stretching as far as he could see into the distance.
“It hasn’t changed much.” The grating voice made him jump. Naya’il, Angel of Testing stood at the window. “Come talk with me, Ruvan.” The eyes he raked over Serafina’s recumbent form were more pitying than anything else. “The woman won’t wake.”
He hitched on his jeans following the tall, thin figure into the living room. He mused that when humans had come up with their view of the Angel of Death they must have seen Naya’il instead of Azrael. Naya’il seemed to match the Grim Reaper image much more closely. His skeletal build, deep set eyes of burning crimson and long white hair spoke more to human fears than did dark haired, golden eyed Azrael. Then again, he was the angel of tests, the
angel who brought humanity trials and tribulations. He was the one who piled on the misfortunes to temper souls and strengthen spirits. Too often humans broke from the weight of the burdens and wound up in front of Rue and his brothers at the broken gates of Hell.
Fear, icy cold, gathered in his stomach. He and Naya’il had worked together closely in ages past, though having made the decision to stay human, stay with Serafina, the angel should have no further business with him. Unless... he was here with a test.
“How can I help you, Naya’il?” He struggled to keep his voice neutral, the tone of a colleague as opposed to supplicant.
The grim specter turned, red eyes boring into him. He could almost feel them measuring his soul. Felt them find him wanting. “You’re making a mistake here.”
Shame flushed his cheeks red. He raised his chin, defiance making anger fire in his blood. “It was my decision to make.”
Naya’il snorted, snapping his fingers to will a long silver cigarette into existence. The scent of frankincense filled the room. “I don’t mean you giving into lust.” He rolled his burning eyes, amusement lighting sparks of gold deep in their depths. “Honestly, I don’t even know why lust became one of the seven deadly sins. It’s quite vital to the continuance of the species.” He gestured with the cigarette, trails of smoke hanging in the air. “I think that has more to do with early man’s fear of his own urges than anything else.” One side of his mouth lifted in a sinister smile. “Or the fear of woman, more like. You know as well as I do, Ruvan, how often those urges lead to more destructive and violent ends.”
Had he ever understood? Ruvan thought he now knew how man could be driven. A man not nearly as controlled, not nearly as aware could easily be led about by those urges. And the desire to defend? He shook his head. Well, he could now understand how a man might commit murder to defend those he loved. Regret burned through him, sour as bile. To think he’d sentenced those men as murderers; sent them to rot in a darkness of their own making, cut off from the very things they’d killed to save.
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