by Last, K. A.
“There’s another baby,” she said.
“No! I can’t do it again,” Amity cried.
I held Amity’s weight. She fell into me and her eyes rolled back in her head. Grace hastily rinsed a cloth in the tub and handed it to me. I wiped Amity’s face and gently patted her cheek until she opened her eyes.
“You can do this,” I said.
She nodded, and then grimaced as she pushed with another contraction. Within minutes there was another set of tiny fingers and toes being swaddled in cloth.
“A girl,” Constance said with a smile. “Now you have your pigeon pair.”
This time the baby seemed fine. I helped Amity lie down and Grace brought one bundle, then the other, to Amity’s side. The boy cried until Amity put him to her breast, but the little girl was content to lie on the straw and gurgle softly. Her eyes were divine and wiser than her few short minutes of life. She would grow up to do great things.
“What will you name them?” Grace asked.
Amity stared lovingly at her new children. “William, I think, after his father, and Fortune, because I am so fortunate to have your blessings.”
Constance bustled around and cleaned up. She spread fresh straw over the floor, changed the water in the bucket, and took the rags into the back room.
“Amity, will you and the children be all right?” Grace asked.
“Of course they will,” Constance said. “Women give birth every day.”
“Will you watch over them for us?” I asked.
“I’ll make sure they have a suitable place to stay.”
After what Constance had witnessed Grace and I do, I didn’t doubt she would make it her life’s mission to see Amity and the twins safe. As a midwife she had a great standing within the community. She would do everything in her power to look out for them as if they were her own.
“It’s time for us to go,” Grace said.
Constance took my hand and bowed. She did the same to Grace then blessed herself with the sign of the cross. “Thank you for bringing your light to save these children.”
Grace went to the babies and placed a hand on each of their heads. “May you live a long and healthy life, and fulfil the destiny that has been chosen for you.” She blessed Amity as well before returning to my side.
When we stepped from the stone room the sky was dark and alive with stars. Through all the commotion of the day I hadn’t had much time to think about my decision. The realisation it was so near gripped my heart like an iron fist and cracked it beyond repair. But again there was no time to think about it. The castle was a flurry of activity. People ran everywhere; horses were being led from the stables, and knights readied themselves to defend the castle. Something must have been happening outside the castle walls, but we weren’t staying around to find out what.
“I don’t understand why we can’t interfere with the bigger problem,” Grace said. “All this fighting is a useless waste of life.”
“In the long run, it’s the small things that matter,” I replied.
Grace slipped her hand into mine. “I suppose you’re right,” she said.
SIX
Grace tugged my hand and we raced along the stone wall. She giggled and it made me smile. It sounded like bells chiming. I followed close behind. Her hair flicked out behind her and caressed the nape of her neck. I imprinted in my memory every line and every curve of her body, because I didn’t know when I’d see her next, or if I’d ever see her again.
She glanced over her shoulder and her eyes sparkled. Her face was radiant; her porcelain skin glowed under the moonlight. She was beautiful, and heavenly, and I loved her so much it hurt.
Grace pulled me into a stone alcove. Her touch spread warmth and happiness through me, and made me feel like I was home. But the happiness was to be short-lived.
“We have to go back now,” she whispered.
She was right. Our time had finally run out, but I didn’t want it to end.
“Just a few more minutes,” I said. “I’m sure they won’t mind.”
“They see everything. We should be back already.”
Grace was right, she was always right. We stood for a moment and gazed into each other’s eyes, and I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything, so much so it carved a painful wound through my chest all the way to my heart.
“Fly with me first?” I asked.
Grace hesitated, then smiled and nodded. We removed our borrowed clothing and placed it in a neat pile. Hopefully it would be found by someone who needed it. I slipped my hands around Grace’s waist and she rested her head on my chest. I closed my eyes and orbed; the tiny glowing spheres swirled around us until they joined together and took us away from Earth.
We materialised in the outer realm where we could fly freely without the risk of being seen. Flying was the most amazing feeling, and we flew side by side, twisting and turning in unison. For a while I forgot all my troubles. I forgot about the consequences of my decision and that I may never see Grace again. I forgot about my breaking heart. A gentle breeze from the flutter of Grace’s wings caressed my arm and sent a shiver through me. She shimmered in the night sky, and it took all my strength not to reach out and touch her. I longed to feel the silky smoothness of her feathers beneath my fingertips, to hold her close. I would not be with her when she returned home and it broke my heart all over again.
For a while longer we danced and twirled across the night sky. Grace’s giggle drifted amongst the stars, and they twinkled brighter as she neared. I wished we could stay like that for eternity, but the time had come to say goodbye. I had to let her go. We should have been back already, so I reached for her and took her in my arms for the last time. I savoured her touch and drew in the fresh scent of her hair. It smelt like summer rain. I spent one last moment committing to memory how her body fitted perfectly with mine. But the worst thing I could do at that moment was let myself feel, so I hardened my heart instead.
Grace lifted her head and looked deep into my eyes. She pulled away a little, about to ask what was wrong. I struggled to keep my emotions in check, to hold it all in. The feeling was so overwhelming I lost the battle and a tear slipped down my cheek. Grace reached up and caught it in the palm of her hand where it sat glistening before it solidified into a diamond.
Before Grace had the chance to speak, to ask questions I didn’t want to answer, I said the words I’d been waiting a long time to say.
“I renounce you and all your ways.”
Grace shook her head. Her expression would haunt me forever. I hated that I was the reason why she looked that way. At first she grabbed for me, but I slipped through her fingers and she became nothing more than a blur at the end of a long, dark tunnel. I could see her lips moving as she screamed my name, but I couldn’t hear her. Before long I was covered in a blanket of cold, heavy darkness.
I didn’t know what was in store for me. I’d never met a fallen angel. I was never on Earth long enough to find one. If I had, I’d have asked what the fall was like. Maybe then I would have decided differently.
The actual fall wasn’t bad, just cold and dark. It was what greeted me on the other side that scared the life out of me. Yes, me—the big tough guy—was scared.
I tumbled over myself for a while until the air started to get warm. One moment I was falling fast enough to make my hair stand on end, the next I’d stopped. No sudden impact, no bone crunching crash. I was suspended in time and surrounded by more darkness.
Before I could think about how weird it was to be stuck in the air, the ground came up to meet my face. My hands slid across rock and I grunted as I sprawled onto my belly.
For a moment I lay there in the dirt. I was tired, and lying on the ground seemed like a good idea. Light seeped into my surroundings and it grabbed my attention.
“No rest for the wicked,” I grumbled, as I got to my feet.
My linen pants had turned black. They were tattered around the edges and ripped at the knees. My skin was clammy an
d sweat beaded on my brow. I wiped it away with the back of my hand.
Slowly, I edged my way towards the light. My hand touched rock and I trailed my fingers along it as I went. Even if I had met a fallen angel, no amount of explaining would have prepared me for what I saw when I emerged from the mouth of the cave.
A huge wall of fire filled a wide chasm in the rock and rose into the air as far as I could see. The roar was deafening. Through the flames was a black gate flanked by two gnarled and twisted Moreton Bay figs. They were leafless and grotesque, their shape changing behind the wall of flickering fire.
Faces moved in and out of the flames. Several would take shape before disintegrating so others could take their place. I heard screams rise above the crackle and roar of the fire, and they chilled me to my bone. I did not want to enter the gates of Hell.
Someone began to laugh, and a face made of fire emerged fully from the flames. This time it didn’t recede.
“The way I see it, you have two choices,” it said. “Wander around aimlessly as an outcast and never have a place, or join me.” The face grinned and its teeth dripped fire. The gates squealed, metal on metal, and began to open. “On second thought, I’ll make it easy for you.”
The fire leapt towards me and I was engulfed by scorching flames. They licked at my skin. It blistered and turned black, but healed just as quickly as it burned. The heat was so intense I thought I was about to die, or be thrust into the fiery chasm. In a moment of clarity I realised I didn’t care. I’d already given up the one thing I’d lived for. I thought about Grace. About how much I loved her. I hoped she was all right, and that my leaving hadn’t damaged her too much. I prayed she was safe, and I prayed harder than I’d ever prayed before that one day I’d see her again—prayers that would probably go unanswered.
I was so busy concentrating on the image of Grace in my mind I hardly noticed when the fire left me. It pulled back into the chasm in an almighty roar. The gates slammed shut with a metallic screech.
“Have it your way,” the voice boomed. “But don’t be fooled into thinking love will always save you. In the end, it will destroy you.”
The wall of flames dropped to the height of the gate. The faces still twisted and writhed within it, but they were less eager, as if they had no reason to fight anymore. After they quieted down, and the fire wasn’t as aggressive, I could hear the voices of the damned: sad, sorry laments of past lives and regrets.
I pitied them; I didn’t want to be one of them.
Despite the heat, a chill seeped into my bones. I turned away from the fire and pulled my wings around myself. My wing-tips crossed in front of me. The sight of them made me stumble and fall to my knees. The hard rock cut into my skin through the holes in my pants. I flexed my wing muscles and a shiver ran through my feathers. I flapped them a few times to make sure they were mine. My wings should have been pearl-white. They were now black. What had I done?
An overwhelming urge to weep engulfed me, but I would not cry. I’d already shed one tear, and that was enough. Instead, I piled up all my anger, and hate, and let out a roar so powerful it shook me and rocked me on my knees. I got to my feet and took one last look at the gates of Hell. I vowed then and there never to set foot through them. Maybe I deserved to after what I’d done, but there were far worse ways to punish myself.
In no way did I believe I deserved to escape from my decision. What I needed was to face it. I’d betrayed the only people who’d loved me; left my family and friends for selfish reasons. I’d hit absolute rock bottom, and I hated myself. I hated Michael for not stopping me, but then I hated myself all over again because Heaven had denied me the right to love freely. A layer of stone grew over my heart and encased it in bitterness. Never again would I allow myself to love. It wasn’t worth the pain.
I looked at the ring on my right hand, the ring my Father had given me so long ago. The stone that was once a brilliant tiger’s eye had turned black. A roar rose inside me, and this time when I let it free I orbed at the same time. Only I didn’t. The feeling was pretty much the same. My body split into a million tiny pieces and re-formed at the other end, but there was no light. Instead of creating spinning orbs of pure, white light, I turned into a thick, black mist.
When I landed I was still yelling. I threw my weight forward and punched the first thing I set eyes on. It happened to be a tree, and the force of my fist split the trunk. A crack resounded off the trees around me and I stopped to take in my surroundings. Where had I landed? In the middle of a forest it seemed. My heart was racing and I had to steady myself against another tree to catch my breath. It was the first time I’d let my anger completely consume me. But I wasn’t who I used to be. I’d never be the same again.
“Do I need to say, I told you so?”
When I raised my head I stared straight at Michael. He stood with his arms folded and looked as cocky as ever. Suddenly, there was something else I wanted to punch.
“What do you want?” I asked.
Michael sighed. His brow furrowed and he pursed his lips. It was a long while before he spoke. “Believe it or not, I wanted to see if you were all right.”
I laughed. “As if you’d care,” I said, and then turned to walk away.
Orbs of light spun in front of me and Michael appeared, blocking my path. I shoved him in the chest and he shoved me harder. The force sent me reeling backwards a few steps and I lunged at him again. This time I held nothing back. My fist connected with his face. Michael’s head snapped to the side and blood sprayed from his nose. He didn’t return the blow.
“I care, Seth. I care more than you think,” Michael said. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand.
“Come on,” I screamed at him. “Hit me!” I threw another punch and this time Michael caught my hand with his.
“Don’t blame me for your decision,” he said.
I shook free of him and scowled. “You should have stopped me.”
“You should have chosen differently. Running away doesn’t solve anything. And we both know I would never have been able to. You’re too stubborn.”
Before I could stop myself, I lashed out again. This time Michael wasn’t as nice. His fist smacked me in the mouth and blood welled on my tongue. I grabbed him by the arms and threw him to the ground, but Michael was stronger than me and he held on. We tumbled over each other until we stopped with Michael on top of me. He hit me until all I could see was a haze of red.
“Come on, Seth,” Michael yelled. “Don’t give up now.” He lifted me off the ground then slammed me back down. “Isn’t this what you wanted? Because it’s what you get when you renounce your God.”
I started to laugh. It rippled up my body to my shoulders and made them shake. “I thought you said you cared,” I managed to say.
Michael stopped and got to his feet. He held out a hand to help me up, but I hesitated before accepting it. He grabbed me so his palm clutched my inner left forearm. Heat radiated from his hand and I tried to pull away, but he held me firm.
“I did say I care, I just show it differently.” He started to laugh with me then stopped himself. His face grew serious and his look made me stop, too.
“What are you doing?” I asked. My arm grew hotter, almost to the point of being unbearable.
“Giving you a reminder of what you’ve done.”
Light seeped under the edges of Michael’s hand, and my arm shook with enough force to rock me on my feet. It was like someone dragging a red hot piece of metal across my skin. I gritted my teeth and refused to cry out, but the pain was so intense it made my eyes water. I was at the point where I thought I might pass out when Michael loosened his grip. The light subsided, and when he removed his hand an intricate Celtic cross scarred my skin.
“When the burnt skin falls away it will be black. A permanent reminder of your never ending existence and torment. Whether you like it or not, you’re still connected to Heaven, and this will forever remind you of what you had, and what you’ve left behind.”
“I know what I’ve left behind.” I clenched my fist and it sent a sharp pain shooting up my arm.
“While you’ve been down here feeling sorry for yourself and regretting what you’ve done, Grace has been up there pining over you.”
“Is she all right?” I whispered.
Michael shook his head. “You ripped her heart to shreds and scattered the pieces across the universe. So no, she’s not.”
I rubbed my face and wiped the blood from my eyes. Apart from my new tattoo, most of my wounds were already healing, but there were a few that would take a bit longer. Michael had really given me a beating.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked.
“The Council sent me to strip you, but I don’t think you deserve to be sent to oblivion.”
“Strip me? How?”
“Your ring. Take it off and you lose your wings. Smear the stone with your blood and your soul will be imprisoned for eternity. At least until I decide to release you, or destroy you.”
“Destroy me? Angels can’t die.”
“That’s what the Council would have you believe,” Michael said.
“I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me how you’d do that?”
Michael’s shoulders shook as he laughed. “Not a chance in Hell.”
I sniggered and narrowed my eyes. I had time, and I’d get the answer some day.
“Why are you letting me go? Won’t you get in trouble?” I asked.
“I can sweet-talk the Council. Besides, every time you look at that tattoo, you’ll remember who you defied and what you left behind. Being on Earth marked with a permanent reminder of what you did is a far better punishment.”
When Michael put it that way, suddenly oblivion seemed like the better option. “Eternity, huh?” I spun the ring on my finger and stared at the black stone. “Would I know what was happening?”
“Your soul would suffer a constant feeling of loss and hopelessness.”