by B S Steele
“What do you think you’re doing?!” Her voice still had that shrill quality that let me know she was certainly not ready to let it go.
“F-faith is coming to pick me up. I’m going to see if I can stay at her house. I’m not staying here anymore.”
A smarter person wouldn’t have said a word, but I was sick of getting pushed around by her.
She laughed. “Oh really? We’ll see about that.”
She yanked the phone from me. Both of us heard the snow crunching under tires in the driveway. She grabbed for me, but I dodged her.
“I’m going to school Mom! Just let me go!” I said.
She lunged at me again, but this time she started shoving me out the door.
She gritted her teeth screaming, “GET THE FUCK OUT!”
She shoved me again, pushing me onto the snowy porch, the frozen air hitting my bare arms. I saw Gabe and Faith in their parent’s minivan looking shocked and frightened.
I smiled at them, relieved to have a way to leave. I might not have a coat, my underwear might be crammed up my ass, and my books were being held hostage by ole’ crazy, but I was free for the next six hours.
Hallelujah!
Then, like a miniature miracle, my books came flying out the door behind me, landing haphazardly in the snow.
Thanks, Mom. Love you too. I thought sarcastically.
Chapter 23: Traveling Tears
After a few days of sleeping on Faith’s bedroom floor, my parents asked me to come back home. My Mom came over and chatted with Faith’s Mother for a few hours. It wasn’t long before she’d convinced Faith’s Mom that I was “just hormonal” and that we’d had a bad Mother/Daughter spat, and nothing more.
I left reluctantly, wondering how many crappy chores she had waiting for me when I got home. Or worse, what ridiculous plan she’d formed to re-gain control over me. When I arrived, everyone was sitting neatly in the living room, waiting for us. My siblings looked at me like I was some sort of foreigner. The betrayer of the family, the lone wolf who’d eaten their pet rabbit. I rolled my eyes at them, annoyed by their subservient fear and besotted gazes they soaked my Mother with.
“Kids, we have a surprise,” my Mom announced, seating herself on the floor. “For Christmas we are going to meet your brother Eric’s stepfamily. We are going on a family vacation to Pennsylvania!”
I looked at her, confused and surprised. I was expecting a lecture about respect and loyalty, not an announcement for a vacation. I looked at her warily. Something had to be up her sleeve, but I could see the excitement in her eyes. With six children, my parents didn’t get to take a lot of vacations. I’d never been to Pennsylvania, and at nearly seventeen, I was happy to go anywhere that didn’t involve the stretching corn and potato fields I was accustomed to.
I knew my parents had been discussing what to “do” with me, since I was spinning out of their control. I was determined to leave, one way or the other. Maybe they thought Eric’s family could help.
A few short weeks later, we were all packed up and headed on the road towards what we hoped would be the perfect family trip. Last year’s disastrous Christmas would be only a distant memory, replaced by a renewed sense of joy and peace.
“Patricia is a very sweet lady, and we all need to be respectful and on our best behavior.” Mother said, looking at me in the rear-view mirror.
We nodded, grinning at each other, asking questions and already beginning to argue about who would sit where in the van. Looking back, I feel sorry for my parents, making that long drive with a load of anxious children. Together they braved the snow-covered roads to give us a memorable holiday.
The hours rolled into each other, our bladders screaming for a break. None of us dared ask my stepdad to stop. He was a straight-through kind of man, and you were better off getting a urinary tract infection than asking for a special bathroom break.
The hills of Pennsylvania were beautiful. The roads cutting through the thick forests and mountains. I remember looking out the window, struck by the beauty of the twinkling lights dotting the hillside, backwashed by a cascade of stars.
My parents and I had been discussing the possibility of me staying with Eric’s family. Tensions between Mother and I had gotten so bad that we were constantly fighting. With three younger children to worry about, it would be a relief on everyone.
When we arrived, we pulled up to a cozy home and were met with warm smiles and hugs from Patricia and her husband Pap. Their son Leslie stood next to them beaming at us from their porch. Despite that Leslie was nearing his forties, my parents explained that he had the mind of a small child and still needed to live at home with his Mom and Dad. Leslie was tall and husky, with chest hair sticking out of his plaid shirt.
“Hey Kane family!” He yelled loudly.
I was quiet and shy and unaccustomed to such friendliness, but despite myself, I gave him a small smile. My Mom told me that he had been very sick as a child, and that Patricia had to take him from doctor to doctor, trying to control the seizure disorder he’d had since birth. She’d told me how once Patricia had to hold him upside down on an airplane while he seized and foamed at the mouth.
Patricia and my Mom had become great friends. They’d spent hours talking on the phone after my brother Eric had come to live with us. My Mom’s late brother had also suffered from a seizure disorder like Leslie, only he’d died more than seventeen years ago. I loved seeing my Mom having the support of a woman like Patricia. She was the perfect maternal figure. Warm, inviting, understanding and helpful with her soft Pennsylvanian accent.
“Well hello Anna! So nice to finally meet you!” Patricia said as she embraced me. Eric was glowing. You could tell he was proud to show off his Grandma to all of us. I got a hug from Pap, a quiet man with a gleam in his eye. He reminded me of Santa, only much thinner and wearing a John Deer hat instead of a red night cap. He had a droll sense of humor that you had to listen closely to catch. I liked him immediately.
“Here guys! Lemme show you where you can sleep! It’s not my room,” Leslie said, laughing, “but guess what? It’s gonna be Anna’s room if she stays!” he said excitedly.
I couldn’t help but smile at him. He was like a giant kid.
As he took us to our room, he chattered on about how they had went shopping for us, and how his Mom was making the best meatballs we would ever taste.
“Here it is!” He said, gesturing toward the room. “Mom made the bed just for you guys,” he said, smiling a toothy grin.
I felt like a midget next to him as he towered over me.
“Thank you, Leslie.” I said quietly, setting my suitcase down.
He stood there staring at me, waiting for me to do something.
“Um, so what is there to do around here?” I asked, unsure of how to conversate with him.
His eyes widened with excitement.
“Oh, I gotta show you guys some stuff. You wanna see my room? And I have a four-wheeler too! I also really love Hank Jr.! Do you like Hank Jr.?” He asked without taking a breath.
“Um,” I said, smiling and looking sideways at Emma.
“Come on! I’ll show you. My cousin is coming soon too. You can meet him. He’s in the Marines.”
He paused, raising his eyebrows and waiting for me to react.
“Oh, Oh wow! That’s really cool!” I said, sounding a bit fake.
I laughed at the sound of my own voice. I needed to relax.
After dinner, we all visited, and began to get excited about Christmas morning. Watching Leslie open presents would be the best part. I felt so lucky to be included in their family. For once, we might just have a normal Christmas.
Chapter 24: Holly Hell
The next morning my eyes snapped open, my body bouncing up off the bed. I gasped loudly and grabbed at the sheets, holding on for dear life.
“GOOD MORNING SISTER!” Leslie’s deep voice boomed as he bounced off the edge of the bed.
He was shirtless and way too cheerful for six o’
clock in the morning.
I smiled sleepily, “Hey, Leslie.”
“C’mon guys, get up. It’s Christmas!” He said, bouncing on the bed again and sending me and Emma up off the mattress for the second time.
“You know Anna, if you stay here, you’ll be like my sister!” He exclaimed.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, smiling at him.
Patricia appeared in the doorway, her short fluffy hair glowing in the morning light. Her Christmas themed acrylic nails clicking on the door frame.
“Leslie, leave these girls be, they had a long drive yesterday,” she said with a chuckle.
“It’s okay,” I said. “He’s funny.”
“Alright, well, you all get dressed, and we’ll have breakfast shortly,” she said.
“Yep, and then we can open presents!” Leslie cried, bouncing off the bed.
“Not until you go put a shirt on, son.” Patricia said sternly.
“Why?” Leslie asked, looking down at his chest, confused.
“Because there are ladies in the house, silly!” She laughed. “Now go get a shirt on.”
He grinned and stomped loudly down the hall to his own room, slamming the door, muttering to himself about presents.
I looked at Emma and giggled. I was going to like it here.
We opened presents a few hours later, gushing over the thoughtful gifts Patricia had picked out. I’d gotten an oil paint set and a beautiful name-brand sweatshirt.
“If any of the sweaters don’t fit, we can go to the mall tomorrow and exchange them,” Patricia said apologetically.
“I’m sure they will be fine. You have been more than kind,” my Mom replied. She was glowing. I felt my throat catch, watching how happy she was.
“OH, MY GOD. MOM!” Leslie screamed as he held up a piece of paper he’d opened from an envelope. “Oh. MY. GOD!” He said again, rushing over to hug her.
“What? What is it?” I asked.
“It’s a certificate for a tattoo,” Eric said. “Grandma’s finally letting him get the Hank Jr. tattoo he’s been begging for.”
I’d never seen someone so thrilled, and Patricia was radiant. I couldn’t have asked to be a part of a better moment. As we all settled in with our gifts, I noticed that my family was the happiest we had been in a long time, and for a moment, I thought about how much I’d miss them when it came time for me to stay behind.
The next day, after everyone was up and ready, we decided to go to the mall. I was excited, since our local mall consisted of a JC Penny, Clair’s and a couple broken drinking fountains. I was ecstatic to get to shop at a real mall. Pap and Leslie decided to stay behind. They had some chores to finish up and Leslie had said he wanted to work on his four-wheeler while we were gone.
We shopped all day, exchanging gifts that didn’t fit, eating, and enjoying the sights and sounds of the holiday. It was the first time my sister, Mother and I got to bond as just a couple girls at the mall. We were all on cloud nine. Spoiled with our shiny bags and pricey mall food.
As it started to get dark, we wound down, preparing to make the drive back to the house.
“Everyone say thank you to Patricia for treating us today,” my Mom said.
We all huddled around hugging and thanking her.
“Thank you, Patricia,” we each said in turn.
“Oh, it’s my pleasure, and you can call me Grandma,” she said, choking up.
“Okay kids, time to go,” Mom said reluctantly.
It had been a beautiful, but exhausting day. We couldn’t wait to get home and show Dad all our treasures.
We pulled into the driveway, Mom shouting orders to help carry things, and telling us to go get our pajamas on and brush our teeth for bed. I walked inside, comforted by the homey smells. Pine from the Christmas tree and gravy that was heating in a crockpot, along with a hint of potpourri.
Suddenly, a guttural scream came from somewhere in the back of the house.
“AHHH!!! SOMEONE CALL THE AMBULANCE!” The voice screamed. Moments later, I was standing in Leslies room, Patricia was on her knees, her mouth forming into a silent scream, gasping for breath. Leslie lay face up on the floor, his neck mottled and purple, his eyes staring, glazed over and swollen.
A man I’d never seen before was on a cell phone, shouting at a 911 dispatcher. Patricia was sobbing, trying to clear Leslie’s mouth of chunks of vomit.
“I just found him, he was just lying there, face down. He’s thrown up. I-I don’t know how long he’s been like this,” the man stammered into the phone.
“WHYYYYY?!!!” Patricia screamed, bending down to give Leslie a breath.
“Does anyone know CPR?” The dispatcher asked, now on speakerphone.
“I do.” I said quietly. “I know CPR.” I said louder.
Patricia looked at me, hope in her eyes. I looked at Leslie, lying there, the seconds passing. His pant leg was up, showing yellowish skin, mottled with more purple. I knew he was already gone, but I had to try, for Patricia.
“Here, I will try.” I said, kneeling next to her, letting Pap comfort her.
I pressed on Leslie’s stiff chest; my small hands barely able to move his thick rib cage. His lungs made a sickening squish as vomit was pushed around inside them. I followed the procedure the best that I could, looking helplessly at the man on the cell phone. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to continue CPR for long.
Within minutes, the ambulance arrived. I stood back numbly, feeling the most inadequate I’d ever felt. His skin had been cold to the touch, and I felt he had passed many hours before we’d found him.
Why did this happen? Why? Patricia doesn’t deserve this!
My thoughts kept repeating.
What did we do wrong? It’s Christmas! People shouldn’t die on Christmas.
Hot tears started flowing down my cheeks as I thought about all the memories Leslie and I were supposed to make. I was supposed to get to be his little sister, but now he’d never even get to cash in for his very first tattoo.
Maybe for Leslie, it was enough to just have that last feeling. That last Christmas joy. If there was some sort of sense to this, none of us were ever going to be the same. As the EMT crew carried his body away, my family stood stunned, knowing that life was not only precious, but cruel as well.
The next few hours were a tidal wave of emotion, as we prepared to let Patricia and Pap say goodbye to their beloved Leslie.
Chapter 24: Moving Forward
Once Leslie was buried, my family headed back home to Michigan. Things settled back to our own version of normal, which for me meant dashed hopes of a brighter future. One cold spring morning, my Mother somehow convinced my stepdad to take me along with him while he shopped with Ben for shoes.
I’d been sulky since my Mom made it very clear I would not be getting my driver’s license any time soon. I was sullen and quiet the whole way through the store, focusing on my teenage angst and the sparkly garnet and gold necklace that hung around my neck.
“Where did you get that?” My stepdad demanded, startling me.
I quickly stuffed it back under my shirt and avoided his eyes.
“Did you steal that?” He demanded louder, reaching for my neck and yanking it out from its hiding place.
I froze, not wanting to pull on the delicate chain and risk breaking it.
“No!” I said, shocked he would even suggest that I was a thief. “I got it from my boyfriend at school.”
The corner of his mouth twitched, and he swiftly yanked the chain, snapping it off my neck and throwing it on the floor.
“NO!” I screamed, drawing the attention of the other shoppers. “Why would you do that?!” I screamed even louder, not caring who heard me.
Embarrassed, he grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me out of the store. My brother Ben following sheepishly behind. I panicked, trying to grab the broken necklace that lay splayed on the floor. My crush had spent hours of his hard-earned money to buy it for me and I loved it very much.
&nb
sp; “STOP IT!” My stepdad growled, yanking me hard enough that one of my shoes came off.
He did not stop even for the shoe, but instead, yanked harder. Something inside me snapped and I wrenched as hard as I could to get away from him. There was no way I would ever let any man put his hands on me like that, “dad” or not. When he finally let go, I ran.
Faster and faster, down the aisles and out the door, dodging shoppers and cars, running down the road, I hid inside an old abandoned building nearby. I had no coat, and was missing one shoe, but I felt absolutely elated. I would never go back. I would rather live in this rotten, windy building, than with my parents.
I kicked aside some broken glass and sat watching the parking lot, making sure my stepdad wasn’t headed my way. I waited for about an hour, just to be sure he had gone home, and then made my way to the nearest phone. I dialed my grandparent’s number and was relieved to hear the voice of an angel on the other end.
Grandma was coming to pick me up and take me out for coffee. A bit later, I sat in a booth across from her at a local diner, watching her blow puffs of smoke from her cigarette in between our conversation.
“I don’t know, Anna. Your parents have always had issues I never understood. I love them, but this shit has got to come to an end.”
I looked down at my food, pushing the omelet I’d ordered around with my fork.
“I just can’t take it anymore, Gram. They wanted me to go stay with Eric’s family, and I was willing to go along with it, just to get out of that house, but now there is no way that can happen.”
She nodded at the waitress, who came to freshen her coffee.
“Well, that poor woman just lost her son, so it’s understandable.” She paused in thought. “Aunt Jesse is coming up for a visit, maybe you could go stay with her.”
I sighed, dropping my fork on my plate and rubbing my eyes.