by Deja Voss
“I didn’t want to miss the wedding,” he says.
“Well isn’t that so kind of you,” Sloan says, her tone dripping with sarcasm.
“I had to see you, Olive,” he says. “My life is shit right now. I can’t do this anymore.”
Part of me feels an overwhelming pity for him. His whole world changed in a matter of seconds that night. But my whole world has changed over the course of these months, and as much as I feel love for this man, as much as I want the best for him, I realize that I’m not in love with him. It damn near guts me, knowing that the kindest thing I can do for him is to cut him loose.
“Have you talked to Tank yet?” I ask him.
“No. I don’t have my phone. I had to take a cab to the bottom of the mountain and I hiked the rest of the way here. I figured the guys would be at the clubhouse.”
“Let’s go back to the house,” I say.
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Sloan stammers.
“I know you’re trying to be a good friend, Sloan. I love you for that. This doesn’t involve you, though.”
Esther steps out on the porch and wraps him in a hug. I know she has a special relationship with these men; she grew up with them, and Red and Tank used to take her on the missions she had to do back when her father was president.
“Are you alright, brother?” she asks. “Do you have everything you need?”
“I’m good.”
“You look like shit. If you need a place to stay this weekend you know our door is always open. I’m sure Brooks really wants to see you.”
“He can stay at his own house this weekend,” I say. “It’s still his place as much as it is ours.”
“That’s fine too,” Esther says. “I have all the measurements I need. I’ll drop this dress off tomorrow.”
“I don’t understand you people at all,” Sloan clucks, shaking her head.
“Too bad, future sister-in-law,” Esther laughs. “You’re one of us now.”
“Come on, Red,” I say. “Let’s go home.”
We jump in my Jeep to sit in silence. There’s so much I want to tell him, so much I should tell him, but I simply can’t bring myself to do it. I feel like telling my life story to a stranger would be easier.
He grabs my hand on the steering wheel, and I jerk away. Not just because I am a more cautious driver now ever since I found out about the baby, but because I don’t want to give him the impression that we’re just going to pick up business as usual.
“Ollie, I know you’re mad,” he says. “You’re allowed to be.”
“I’m not mad, Red. I was mad a month ago. I was mad when you pushed me away at one of my most conflicted times in my life. I have no reason to be mad at you.”
“You have every reason to. I bailed on you. I know I can’t just show back up again and everything is back to normal.”
We pull into the driveway of the house and go inside.
“The guys are out on a run,” I tell him. “I’ll call Tank, though. I’m sure he’ll get the message eventually. I know he misses you.”
“You don’t have to,” he says, eyeing me up and down. I know I’m drowning in a big pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, but he’s gotta notice that I’ve put on some weight. “We can just hang out.”
“I would feel better if I called him.” I shrug. “Why don’t you just help yourself to whatever you want, go take a shower, get comfortable? I’ll make sure you have clean sheets on your bed as soon as I get off the phone.”
“You’re acting strange, baby.” He cups my face in his hands and stares into my eyes, and I feel a single tear run down my face. I think it’s the reality of not wanting to have to tell him how I really feel. “What’s going on?”
I don’t know how to explain to him that nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is right. Especially the way that I’m feeling right now. The choice that he made for me by running away, it was the right choice. The fact that I don’t feel that spark, that overwhelming electric desire to smother him in kisses and take him to bed to make up for lost time, it’s right. For once, I’m doing right by myself, and it’s bittersweet.
“I guess there’s some things we need to talk about. How are you though? How’s your training going?”
“It’s shit, Olive. Everything is shit. I hate not being here. I miss the club. I miss this house. I miss my life.”
“It’s going to be alright,” I assure him. “We’re not going anywhere.”
“I know, but every morning when I wake up, I lay in bed and fight this internal battle. I know that my fighting career is important, but why? Why can’t I just be regular Red? Why can’t I just have my old life back? It’s not like it was a bad life.”
“You do it because you were made for greatness, Red. I’m sure every athlete struggles with that. Maybe sometimes you have to let other people want something for you more than you want it for yourself. That’s what we’re here for. Me, your brothers, everyone. We want this for you. Someday when you retire, you can come back here to us and live a nice quiet boring life. We’ll still be here to welcome you with open arms. We’re not going anywhere.”
“You’re already gone, Olive. I can tell.”
“You pushed me away. I was pissed, but now I’m thankful. There’s something else you need to know, though. Tank and I are going to have a baby.”
He looks perplexed, trying to put together the details, the timeframe.
“Oh come on, you had to have noticed I’ve been packing on the pounds. You think I’ve just been sitting around stress eating because of you?”
The way he shrugs and his faraway smile makes me feel like that didn’t soften the blow.
“Are you sure it’s his?”
I nod. “I took a test. I hope you know if this child was yours, I would’ve found a way to tell you immediately. Even if things weren’t going to work out between us, I would never hold that from you.”
“I’m happy for you. I’m happy for both of you.” He pulls me into his arms, wrapping me in a bear hug. I know he’s being genuine. You can be happy for someone and sad for yourself at the same time.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I say. “Really. It’s been weird without you.”
“Well, you better go call your old man and tell him I’m in town,” he says, letting me go, looking me up and down. “Pregnant does look good on you, Olive. I’m gonna go hop in the shower. It’s been a long day.”
Just like that, he’s off and running, taking his suitcase back to his room, closing the door behind him. I feel like I should say something, but I think everything that needed to be said has already been said.
I pull out my cell phone and call Tank. I know that he probably won’t have service, and even if he does, if he’s riding, I don’t like him trying to answer the phone. It’s ok. It’ll probably be easier to just leave a message.
“Hey,” I say when I get Tank’s voicemail. “I just wanted to let you know Red’s here. I know what you might be thinking, but I promise it’s not like that. I love him, Tank, but not like I love you. I want out of the pact. If that means I have to go for the sake of your friendship, I understand. I love you. I’ll be in our bed. Alone. If you want to talk to him, call the house phone. Otherwise, I’ll see you when you get here.”
“Do you have everything you need?” I ask Red. He’s laying on the couch, watching TV, a beer sitting on the coffee table, like it’s just another normal night. My crazy Red, he knows he’ll always be home here, even if everything has changed.
I pull the blanket off the back of the couch and cover him with it. I run my fingers through his beard and kiss him on the forehead.
“Everything I did, Olive,” he says. “It was because I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to make sure you were taken care of.”
“I am, and I am. You did good,” I assure him.
“I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure that baby never wants for anything his entire life.”
“I appreciate that. I mean, it mig
ht not be yours, but you did contribute if you know what I’m saying,” I giggle, winking at him. “You know I love you, Red. You’ll always have a piece of my heart.”
“Don’t say that,” he says, tenderly. “That’s not fair to my best friend. He deserves it more than I do. He earned it.”
“Love isn’t a transactional thing, Red. It can’t be earned or bought and sold. Plus, it’s infinite. The way I love you takes nothing away from anyone else. And I do love you. But we called it from day one. If the two of us became a couple, we’d end up dead or in jail by the end of the week.”
“I really didn’t think you’d be the one that went to jail though,” he laughs. I have to laugh, too. “Thank you, Olive.”
I squeeze his hand one last time. We can finish this conversation later. I’d feel so much better if Tank were here to be having it with us.
“Goodnight,” I say. I grab a water bottle from the fridge, brush my teeth in the bathroom, and by the time I walk back to the bedroom, he’s already snoring away on the couch. I fold back the blankets and slide under the covers, completely satisfied with the turn of events that tonight brought. I feel like a piece of the puzzle is snapped back in right where it belongs, even if it wasn’t where I thought it went in the first place.
CHAPTER 35
Red:
I can’t really put a word on the way I feel right now. Selfless is too big. Selfless is too… selfish. It hurts, it sucks, but I knew, in the end, this was how things were going to be. I knew I’d never be able to commit to her fully. I knew that even someone as amazing as Olive couldn’t shape me into the perfect man.
Or even a tolerable man.
Still, knowing the people I love are safe and happy almost gives me a sense of purpose in this world that’s always been cruel to me. Almost.
I don’t know why I’m planning on sleeping on the couch. Maybe it’s because my old bedroom feels so lonely. Too close to home in my own damn home. Laying out here in the open, out here in the space that the three of us shared together during some of the happiest times of my life, I feel like I’m actually home. I’m entitled to at least wallow in some nostalgia for the time being. Maybe I’ll stay somewhere else for the rest of the weekend. Maybe I will take Esther up on her offer. I need to see Tank first though. I owe him an apology for all the shit I’ve put him through.
I don’t know when he’s going to get home, but I’m fighting sleep, flipping through the channels in the dark, nursing this beer, and trying to think of the right thing to say to him, even though I’ve rehearsed this a million times in my mind over the last month.
That was before I knew about the baby, though. This child, this child that could’ve been mine, hell, should’ve been mine, changes everything. Nothing is going to be the same ever again.
Tank’s bedroom door squeaks open, and I feel a draft run through the house. She probably cracked the window open. I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant, but maybe she’s having hot flashes. The doors in this old house don’t latch too well. I should get up and close it, but I feel better knowing that there’s not a door between the two of us. Like we’re sleeping together one more time, even if we’re in two different rooms.
“Red!” I hear her scream, a piercing tone that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, then silence. I jump up from the couch and sprint to the bedroom. The room is pitch-black and ice-cold, and the only sound I can hear is her gasping for air.
In a sheer state of panic, I flip on the light switch, and my jaw drops as my eyes adjust to what I’m seeing in front of me. My pistol is on the coffee table. There’s no time for that.
The masked man is standing over her body, his gloved hands wrapped around her throat as she thrashes. As soon as the lights turn on, his gaze turns to me.
“I thought you were alone,” he says to her, letting go of her neck. He reaches for his pistol in his waistband, and I realize there’s only one thing I can do. I don’t know who this asshole is, but he climbed in the wrong window.
“Red,” she wails as the sound of a gunshot rings through the room. I am blinded by my rage, no real idea of what’s going on, nothing on my mind but killing this fucker, even if I have to do it with my bare hands. He finally drops the gun off to the side, and I toss it to Ollie, but she’s just staring at me from the bed, her eyes full of tears and her face pale as the sheets she’s laying on. I’m sure she’s just in shock; the handprints around her throat look terrible, and I’m really whaling away at this guy right before her eyes.
There’s blood everywhere. I don’t know what’s mine and what’s his, but everything is starting to get blurry.
“Red, stop,” she cries out.
“He’s trying to kill you,” I say. My mouth tastes metallic, and I realize there’s blood pooling in my throat.
“I know, babe, I know,” she says. “You got him.”
The last thing I see is her falling to her knees next to me. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.
“Stay with me, Red,” she’s screaming.
“Is he dead?” I try to ask, but I’m choking. I’m suffocating. I feel her cold hands on my face. I feel her breath on my forehead. I feel her tears on my cheeks. Then, I feel nothing.
CHAPTER 36
Tank:
A s soon as I get her message, I feel a sinking in my soul. I’m glad Red is back. I missed my brother. I missed my friend. I would do anything for that crazy fucker, and we are bound for life by this patch, this club. Still, that twinge of jealousy starts creeping through me, and I don’t even stop at the clubhouse for a beer with the guys. Tires to the ground, I need to get home before he can undo whatever good has come of the last few months without him.
I know my girl is mine. I know she’s true to me, but we set her up for this. I’d never blame her for anything that happened.
The only light on in the house is in my bedroom. When I shut my bike off, the sound coming through the open window turns my blood to ice in my veins. I’ve never heard her wail like that before. She sounds like she’s being murdered. I sprint inside as fast as I can.
“Hello?” I scream from the living room. “Olive? Red?”
As I step into the bedroom, I have no idea how I’m going to keep my shit together. I feel vomit welling up in my throat. I don’t even know where to start. I just stand there, paralyzed, and I have to forcibly remind myself to breathe.
It’s not so much Red’s dead body laying on my bed, the bullet hole in his chest, and the blood covering his face, but the way that she’s got him gripped in her arm, like she’s trying to squeeze him back to life. She’s got a gun in her other hand, pointed at the floor below. Her eyes are wild, and she’s just screaming like a mad woman.
“Don’t touch him,” she growls at me, like a rabid dog, as I approach the bed. “Don’t take him from me.” She points the pistol at my head and I put my hands up in the air, slowly taking a few steps back.
“I promise, Olive, I’m not,” I say. “I just need to assess the situation here. Are you hurt?”
She points the gun back to the floor beside the bed and I gaze over at the man on the floor, covered in blood, curled up in a ball, groaning in agony.
“Put the gun down, Ollie. It’s ok. You’re safe. I’m not going to hurt you. He’s not going to hurt you.”
I notice the handprints on her throat, and my heart starts racing. She needs to go to the hospital right now. The way she’s whispering to the lifeless body in her arms, unintelligible phrases, I really don’t know how to proceed.
“Olive, seriously,” I yell. “Throw that gun over here right now.” I have no idea how long this has been going on. I have no idea how long she’s been sitting here like this, or even what transpired.
“He’s dead, Tank,” she screams. “He was just trying to protect me and now he’s dead.”
“Shhh…” I say, sitting on the bed next to her, trying not to lose it. I can’t look at him. I take the gun from her and she stares into my eyes, like somehow I�
��ll know the right thing to do.
“Who is that?” I ask in a whisper, nodding to the man on the floor.
“I don’t know,” she says. “I woke up and he was choking me.”
I run my fingers over the marks on her neck and she winces.
“I’m gonna call Sloan, ok?” I’m pretty sure she needs to go to the hospital ASAP, but at least Sloan is a doctor, and her best friend. She just blinks and hugs Red tighter.
I pull my cell phone out of the pocket of my cut and call Gavin. I don’t even know how to explain to him what I’m looking at.
“I need everyone at my house,” I say. “Sloan too. Tell her to stay outside, though.”
“We’re at the clubhouse. I’ll give her a call. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” I say, my hands trembling, reality setting in that I never got a chance to say goodbye to my best friend. I drop my phone to the ground and start to cry.
CHAPTER 37
Olive:
I ’m afraid to open my eyes. I want to believe that I just had the worst nightmare of my entire life, but the pain in my throat tells me otherwise. The clinical smell in the air and the sound of beeping assures me I’m not home.
The overhead lights are so bright in this hospital room. I feel dizzy the second I start looking around.
Maybe I’m still dreaming, I pray with all my might, but when I can wiggle my toes and fingers just by thinking about it, I know that my nightmare is just beginning.
I look over to the chair next to my bed. Tank is sitting there, hunched over, head in his hands. I can see Brooks and Gavin from behind, standing outside the doorway. I have so many questions—what am I doing here? Am I ok? Is the baby ok? I feel like I should just go back to sleep and wait for someone to wake me. I close my eyes, and instantly I see his face, covered in blood, the sound of his last breath, that wheeze before I knew he was gone. I snap my eyes back open, unprepared to deal with that vision.