by Tara Brown
His fingers are greedy and his lips needy. He is sucking and pulling and tracing and my body is going crazy. He is stirring everything up but he can't fulfill the feelings I am having. I'm getting nothing from him.
He pulls me back and looks at me, "Stop it." He is smiling but I can see he's annoyed.
I shake my head, "What?"
"Stop trying to eat me. I can't kiss you and hold the control. I can't do both. You have to do some too."
I push him away, "I can't do this. I'm sorry. I'm just starved. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I don’t want that."
He flinches again and walks to the door.
He stands at the door and looks at me, "How many times do I have to apologize?"
I shake my head, "I think it will always be one more time and even that will never be enough."
He nods once and walks from the room. He turns the key and suddenly my food feels like prison food. While he was here it was a meal. Now it is survival. I try not to enjoy it too much, but I am past the point of hungry and it tastes remarkable.
Chapter Thirteen
I don’t slide down a lot of drainpipes. Rebellious teenager has never been my thing. I never snuck out. I never did anything until I asked to go to college. My idea of rebellious was eating fudge cookies and sometimes whole chocolate bars. I was a binge eater not a rebel. Willow was strict and I've always been a chocoholic.
I roll my eyes at myself. My fingers bite into the metal that crinkles and tries to announce my escape. I've crawled along the roof to the far side of the house where the garage is. I totally assumed that there weren’t many windows here and I could jump down without them seeing.
Dangling from the drainpipe is an experience all its own. I make it half way down the first story and jump. My legs and feet sting from the landing. I think about the swords and pole arms and my skin tingles.
I run. I'm not much of a runner but I run anyway. Just like fleeing from the restaurant, I am wheezing and huffing after a short amount of time. I manage to run though.
"Rayne?" His voice has never struck panic in me the way it does now. My feet dig in and my lungs expand in a hope to escape. My legs burn but I run. My instincts tell me to run to the sea. I veer to the left and push past the branches and bushes.
"RAYNE!" I can hear the panic in his voice. I can feel it.
I know he's fast. I know he's trained his whole life to chase 'things' like me. I push myself and run hard. I can hear him in the trees. I can hear him right on my tail. I can see the water. I dig in for the last bit of energy and my legs push harder. I make the beach and crash onto the rocks. Everything aches. I get up and run for the sandy spot on the beach. I run into the waves and dive into the water. I swim. Swimming in shoes and clothes is a bad plan. I look back and watch him. He doesn’t enter the water. He runs a hand through his hair and looks for an idea. I can see him thinking. I bob in the waves and watch. He false starts several times and makes it look like he'll come in the water, but he doesn’t. He pulls his phone from his pocket.
He flashes his cocky grin at me and I swim out.
He points as he hangs up the phone and shouts at me, "Be right there baby."
I fight against the waves and make my way out into the sea. The salt water is in my mouth and making me gag but I push on. A light comes from below. My heart races seeing it. I start to swim back to shore but it looks like the girl in the room. I pause and wait. Of course the moment I decide it could be something good my bitchy common sense side snarks at me. 'What if Siren's are real and she lured me out so she could kill me?' The voice in my head is telling me to panic.
I hear a boat. I look up to see a man in Wyatt's boat.
I look at Wyatt. He puts his hands out and screams at me to stay calm or get in the boat or a combination of that. I look down at the light and see a woman just like the red head in my room.
Her hand reaches for me. She smiles and her light makes me feel warm in the freezing cold ocean water. I look at the boat and decide I need to trust my mother.
I don’t know my mother at all but, Willow was her friend and she never hurt me. Willow would never hurt me.
I look at Wyatt on the shore and know he would hurt me again in a heartbeat.
I reach my hand for her and she pulls me under. I can hear the boat and Wyatt's screams for a second. They die off as she pulls me down fast and silence fills my mind. It's not alone though. The fear I will die at the bottom of the ocean is bouncing around in there as well.
Her ghostly fingers are cold. Cold as the sea. She stops and looks at me. My cheeks are puffed out and I'm starting to struggle with the loss of air.
'Breathe Rayne'
I shake my head. She nods. She has the same beautiful face as the other girl but blonde hair that floats all around us. It is so light that it feels like it's lighting up the dark ocean but I think it's my eyes.
I start to choke and feel faint. She smiles at me and laughs, 'breathe'.
I shake my head and grip my throat. I'm clawing at my chest, which feels like it's about to explode.
Just as the light is leaving my eyes and my vision has become pinholes, my mouth opens and wondrous feeling fills me. I breathe. The water is air. I don’t know how but it feels miraculous.
She giggles and holds her long slim fingers up to her face, 'Angels can breathe on every corner of the earth'.
I inhale the water but it feels more like I have something that pulls the air from the water. I don’t feel liquid entering my body. I still taste the salt though. It makes me shiver.
She pulls me along the shore and when we get to a spot where I can see lights on the shore she brings me to the surface.
'Find the light of the earth Rayne. Find it and find your freedom'
I nod and swim to shore. My teeth are chattering and my body is aching. I'm not in very good shape for the child of angels. The floating creepy lady in white waves a hand at me and is gone again. I pull my soaked and bedraggled body to shore. I crawl on all fours and when I stand I am exhausted. I can feel the heat tingling in my body. I know I need to do what Willow told me to do, when we were in the garden. I just don’t know where to find a really bad man to suck dry.
I am covered in sand and seawater. I can hear traffic and see the lights of Newport Bridge. I know where I am. I've been here before. Willow brought me and we stayed with hippie friends. Yeah hippies… I was a gullible kid.
My hair feels like a clump. The rat's nest is so bad that I can't drag my fingers through and pick it at all. I walk along the seawall of Newport and pass the light blue Inn I stayed at, with Willow. We slept there one night. The people were kind and I got to see dolphins. It was my first time. They came into the bay and right up to the blue house. Willow cried.
I am alone. I want to cry but I'm tired of the taste of salt.
I walk to a small white house that looks like my old house and sneak across the street quickly. I slip into the backyard and walk cautiously to the backdoor. I try the door and sigh when it opens. It's dark and I'm praying the dark windows mean no one is home. I open the door and look around.
"Hello?" I call out but try not to be too loud. "Hello. Your house is on fire."
No dogs and no people. I close the back door quickly and strip naked. I ball up my clothes and shoes and dump them into the garbage in the kitchen. The house smells like cleaner. Old people's house for sure. I tiptoe and try not to make any mess.
I open the fridge and devour the ham sandwich I find. I drink a huge glass of milk and stuff two huge raisin pumpkin muffins down my throat. Eating has completely become about survival. I rifle through the drawers and cupboards. I find a stash of money taped to the lid of a cookie jar. I steal their power bill from the counter and slice it open. I stuff the money inside. I'll get someone to mail them the money I stole. I'll need their address when I repay them.
I climb the hardwood stairs, assuming the bedrooms are upstairs. For once I am completely grateful my eyes see what they see. I function like normal i
n the dark.
I climb into the shower and rinse the sand and salt off. With the shower curtain and bathroom door open, I shampoo and condition quickly. That way I can see if a car pulls into the driveway and lights the front of the house up.
The soap smells like roses and old ladies. I love it. I love old people. Always have. Kids, not so much but old people yes.
I climb out and grab a towel from the cupboard. I towel off quickly. I ball my towel and place it in the hamper in the master bedroom. I dry the floor with my hair towel and fire it in the hamper too. I fish through the closet and find men's jogging pants and a thick t-shirt and a sweater. I pull it all on. I am finally feeling warm again. I take a coat that is at the back of the closet. I hope it's something he doesn’t wear. I put on triple socks and some old shoes he has in there. Old loafers. I feel like a homeless person. I look like a homeless person.
I slip down the stairs and out into the night, before they come home to find not-so-goldilocks cross-dressing in their bedroom.
I'm better at this than I would have imagined. For the cozy life I've led, I'm not doing too badly.
I walk along the sea wall and realize the starvation is still there. I'm starving for something that ham and cheese on white bread can't cure. I rub my hands together and feel something I've never felt before. I feel something calling me. It pulls right. I turn up a street away from the bridge and the water. I cross the street and turn down another street. I stop feeling it. I look around for whatever it was that was calling me.
Nothing is there. I hear a car's tires driving on the wet pavement. I feel a strange feeling, excitement and fear mixing in my belly. I duck into a bush just in time to see the silver white Lexus driving slowly. I don’t see his face. I don’t need to. Seeing the fancy sports car in the small town is enough.
I wait and sneak into the yard of the house I'm hiding in. I creep in the back yard to the next house over. It has no lights on. I slip into the car in the driveway and look around in the dark for the keys. I don’t find any. I get out and look around the car. A small box is hidden on the back of the car. It's tucked up in a lip. I slide if open and take the key. I get in and start the small car. It smells like smoke and mildew. It rattles and clunks down the road but at least I can get over the bridges and then ditch it.
I drive over the Newport Bridge and then cross the Jamestown Bridge. The car clangs along until I reach the Warwick exit. I pull over and leave a twenty-dollar bill in the ashtray and close it. I lock the car and put the key back. She might not have given birth to me but I am Willow's daughter. She taught me about Karma.
I leave the car and walk toward Warwick until I can smell the ocean. I think I know where the house is. I don’t think they'll let me stay, but I am hoping to at least get some answers.
I know I'm close when I smell something I've smelled before. It makes my heart race and my stomach churn. I can't fight the feelings. My body turns away from the sidewalk and pulls me to the scent that’s floating on the wind. I'm like Toucan Sam. I follow it to a garage with the door open. I walk in. I am on autopilot. A man is bent over the hood of a car whistling.
He sees me and at first he scowls. He's about to be rude to me. I can see it in his dark brown eyes. Instead he smiles, like he's lost. He's about fifty and covered in freckles and grease. His dark brown hair is matted to his head on one side from the gear dope.
He walks toward me, like I am the almighty savior. My brain is panicking but my body has taken over. It has a need.
My hands reach for him. My lips brush against his and I can smell grease and spaghetti. He kisses me passionately. I pull back and hover over his face. I inhale him. The spaghetti is gone, replaced with lust and the sweetness of his soul in my mouth. I feel naughty tingles down low in my belly as I drag the last of him away. His body crumples onto the cold concrete. I twitch and step away. I lean against the tool-covered wall of his shop. As I'm twitching and fighting my knees buckling an older lady comes into the garage through another door on the other side of the car. She is holding a grocery bag. She sees me and frowns. She can't see his dead body. It's behind the car.
"Who are you?"
I stutter, "H-h-h-he needed help."
She looks confused, "Son you better get out of here. He's not going to be happy if he sees you snooping around in this garage. He gets mean when he finds people doing things he doesn’t want them to do."
I nod and turn away.
"Just a sec kid. Come to the front door." She leaves the bag on the floor and walks back into the house.
My legs gain their strength as the pleasure and sensations die down. I walk to the front of the house. She opens the door and passes me a sandwich.
"Try to find somewhere warm. You poor thing."
The sandwich feels like a warm beating heart in my fingers. I fight back the tears. I am a sick monster.
I turn and walk and lose the battle. Tears flood my eyes and soak my cheeks. I stumble out into the night gripping the sandwich she made me. I don’t know how to fix the karma I now have, for what I took from her.
Chapter Fourteen
I apparently don't remember the way to the witch's house. I want to call Willow and get her to come and get me. I know the other witches won't let me stay there, but maybe Willow will leave with me. I feel just lonely and selfish enough to ask her for it. I know it'll be the end of her, but I'm scared this is the end of me.
I stumble down onto the beach behind a quiet house. I sit on the rocks and sand and dig my fingers into the beach.
The cool night air is lost on me. Feeding from him has warmed me up, everywhere except my heart.
The water laps at the dock near me. The waves drag slowly up and down the pebbled shore. The noises get to be relaxing. I dig my fingers into the sand, deep. I feel something remarkable. The sand has a pulse. At first I think it's mine but it's too slow. The earth pulses around my fingers. The earth is alive. I close my eyes and let the pulse start to beat through my body.
I look around the bay I'm sitting in and the houses and properties. I'm sad for many other things I haven’t even touched on. Probably because I haven’t given up on them yet. My dream to get my PhD from Yale and to be a linguist and work for the UN. Then maybe get married one day and buy a big fancy house and have some kids. I can still imagine Willow as a grandma. Feeding them carob bark and seltzers made from fruit juice.
I have been building a life and desires for something I won't ever have. Or can I? Can I have the things I want? Can I go back to the school and only eat when I truly have to? Can I live the way Willow taught me and only eat when truly necessary? Can I just say no to the sins of the world?
I rub the sand and let the pulse work its way through me.
I can do it. I can have a normal life. I can at least try.
I stand and walk to Warwick. I find a payphone and call Mona collect.
"Oh my god what are you doing? Where have you been?" She answers in a panic.
"Mona I need a favor. Can you text a message to Wyatt from my cell?"
"Where are you?"
"Home. I forgot my phone."
She is silent. "Rayne, Willow has been texting and calling non stop."
I cringe, "She isn’t at home. She's at a friend’s on the sea."
"She said if I was to hear from you I should give you a message."
Butterflies fill my stomach, "What message."
"Stay away from the campus. She said you're not safe and no matter what you think you need to find the light. What does that mean?"
I lean against the payphone booth, "Not sure." I sigh. Where the hell am I supposed to go? "I need help and I don’t know where else to go or what to do."
"Where are you for real?" Of course she would know I'm lying.
"Warwick."
"I'll be there in a few hours. Where should I meet you?"
I want to protest and be a good friend and keep her out of my problems, but I don’t. I'm a selfish asshole.
"Aqua Vista Ma
rina. I will be sitting at the end of the shortest pier."
"It'll take me probably four or five hours. Are you okay?"
I nod as silent tears slither down my cheeks, "Yup."
Her breath in the phone and her existence are the only things keeping me from losing my mind, completely.
"See you soon."
"Bye. Thank you so much."
"You'd do the same for me."
I would. I know that but it doesn’t make the trespass I am committing on her kindness, any less harsh. I am asking her to enter into something dangerous.
When the phone disconnects I feel the sharp cold of the morning air. Dawn is coming. I walk along the beach and wait.
I waste my time at a diner. I have coffee and breakfast and when I get bored I go to a second hand store and buy new clothes. I get new underwear and a bandeau in the package still. The rest of the clothes stink like second hand clothes always do, but it's better than wearing the stolen old man clothes. I pull my long hair into a ponytail and walk down to the pier.
I'm huddled with a hot cup of cocoa when I hear the squeals.
I glance up and smile before I realize what I'm looking at.
Michelle and Mona are climbing out of a gorgeous white silver SUV. I will bet money it's a Lexus.
Fuck.
Wyatt gets out of the drivers seat and looks furious. I drop my cocoa into the ocean. I stand and walk backwards.
"Why did you call him?"
Mona sees the panic on my face and meets my eyes with her own. She shakes her head with a twitch.
Michelle struts up to me. I can't help but notice the glittery high-tops and skinny jeans.
"He wanted to come and help Rayne."
He smiles. It's cocky and it makes my blood boil.
"Get in the car Rayne." His dead eyes are colder than I've ever seen them. They don’t match the smile crossing his lips.
Mona runs to me. Michelle and Mona hug me.
Michelle pulls me back, "What the eff are you wearing? You smell homeless?"
My lip trembles and I shudder, "I am homeless." Tears stream down my cheeks.