by Kerri Ann
Do I believe it was best for me? Yes.
Do I believe all I did was trade one omnipotent being for another? Damn right I did.
Now, today, I’ve questioned every ounce of that decision. Running from them didn’t get rid of the club, it just kept them in the background and gave them time to grow more powerful.
“Any room on the bench, Father?”
I don’t turn. “Of course. Have a seat.”
Shifting slightly, I give Scarlet room to sit beside me. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks very calmly.
“Not really much to talk about. The man was a monster, but I should have done my job.”
“Not true, Kyden.” Pausing, she lets the pregnant air hold us in place where words aren’t necessary. She agrees, but won’t voice it aloud. Knowing well enough that our past clouds things, and that she’s lady enough to sometimes let things lie doesn’t help.
“You know,” I say, “there are times I think of what my life would be like if I’d done what DG wanted, if I’d just gone along with everything.”
“You know that you and Bracken might share the same genes, but you’re a different man.” Touching my hand gently, I feel the warmth of her skin. It soothes me.
“We’re more alike that most know. Even you, Scarlet.”
Smiling softly, her makeup shimmers slightly in the dim moonlight. “There’s always been more to you than anyone knows.”
Creeping her fingers up my wrist, gently touching a particularly sensitive scab, I move to pull away. “Don’t pull away from me, Kyden.”
“I don’t pull away from you, Scarlet. I pull away from that life. I’m no longer that man. I’m a man of God. I’m a man of the cloth.” I try to put up a convincing fight. Her touch elicits so many feelings.
“I saw the marks, Kyden.”
“I know you did.” I don’t move her hand. I can’t.
“Why do you do that?”
I can’t answer. Nothing needs to be said about it.
“Can I see?” she asks.
Considering it, I lift the edge of my cassock, then the sleeve of my shirt. Revealing the various aged cuts, including tonight’s, Scarlet inspects them wordlessly, feathering each of them, admiring them or feeling sorry for me. I’m not sure which, but I don’t want her to stop.
“Kyden—”
I cut her off fast to remind her, or maybe more so myself. “Father Kyden, Scarlet. I’m a priest.” Pulling my arm back, I push the cloth back down and rise from the seat. “I’m your priest.”
“You’re right. You’re a priest, Father Kyden. But you’re a man, starving for attention. I see it all the time. Every Sunday you stare at me. You’re hungry, and you want to devour me. You look at me like a locust looking for a meal. Everything about you shows the cry for a need to be touched.” Rising to stand behind me, Scarlet pushes up against me. Wrapping her arms around me unbidden, I fall into the touch. Closing my eyes, I revel in the scent of her. It’s an aphrodisiac. In this garden, she should be the least powerful scent, but I take in her perfume as if the world is void of smells.
“Touching you is all I dream of. There’s never been a moment when I didn’t care about you, Kyden. It’s always been you.”
Touching her arm, I wish for nothing more than to stay wrapped up in her, but it’s inappropriate for a parishioner and her priest. Pulling away, I turn around to face her, coming eye to eye with a woman my heart has belonged to from the day I met her. Everything falls away.
God, give me strength. I never should have turned around. Seeing those chocolate endless depths, they drag me in like Lot’s wife. Looking at her, I understand the reference even more than biblically. Temptation is a hard truth to fight.
Raising my arm, I touch her face. My resolve bends and bows. “Scarlet, I—”
Pushing a finger up against my mouth, she says, “Kyden, you’re a man with needs. You never took a vow of celibacy, did you?”
Shaking my head, Scarlet pulls her hand away. When she presses her mouth to mine, I’m shocked. Her lips are smooth, plump, and skillful as she gives me something no one has in years—compassion, and passion. I accept it. I feel that it’s a sin to want it, but at the same time, she’s right. I never vowed it to God. I only promised myself that it wasn’t mine to covet.
Have I envied others for the passion they show in public? That they feel in private moments? I wish to enjoy that. I miss it like nothing else.
As Scarlet’s tongue darts within my mouth, searching out, feeling for mine, a moan escapes me. Pulling back with the slightest amount of willpower, her name leaves my lips on a whisper, “Scarlet.”
“Don’t deny it further, please. I’ve wanted you for more time than I can admit, Kyden. Remove the stains of our past. Pull away the reminders of everything that’s tainted my life. Give yourself to me.” Reaching for my cock, Scarlet holds me in place with the tool of my demise.
Sucking in a deep breath, I stiffen at the contact. I’ve dreamt of nothing but this for so many years.
I silently vow, Father Almighty, please understand I’ll deny myself no more. I’ve decided to give myself to her.
Standing in the reflection garden after my father’s death is not what I had in mind for a moment such as this. “Not here,” I tell her. Taking her hand in mine, Scarlet steps in pace beside me.
Moving as if the damned are on our heels, we reach the doors of my residency within seconds. We’re like two teenagers. Before the door is even shut, we’re on each other.
Watching as Scarlet undoes each button with care, she smiles up at me as she peels it over my head. My mind reels with all the thoughts I’ve tucked away for reference. Removing her heels and placing them by the door, she turns back and I look—really look—at the woman who has plagued me daily.
“You’re all I ever think of, Scarlet. Every day, every moment, every second ticks down and you’re on my mind. Release me now from this hell. Let me live in peace in my church. Leave. Never look back, never return. Give me up.” Taking in her schooled features, she gives nothing away.
“I wish I could, but I can’t. Truly, Kyden, I need you and I always have.” Stepping close, she removes my clerical collar and sets it on the table by the door.
My body reacts with a will of its own, and I anticipate her at the wheel of this disaster.
“Kyden,” she murmurs, pulling at the button on my trousers. I suck in a breath. It’s tight, hot, and needy. As if I’m watching from afar, I gaze at the deftness of her touch while she lazily thumbs the top of my penis, the director of my blazing need. My cock is the commander of this. Breathing raggedly, my chest heaves with the need for her to grip me tightly, to treat me with disgust.
“Don’t hold back,” I tell her. “Treat me as if I’m a toy you wish to punish. Please.”
Finally grasping it around the trunk, she squeezes it tightly.
“Like that, Kyden?”
“Fuck, yes. Just like that.” Enjoying the tough tugs, she pulls harder, tighter. Pushing down with a roughness that I can’t achieve on my own, I revel in the pain. When punishing myself, I grasp it hard, but I know when to quit, when to slow down, and when to push it a bit further. Her unknown is far more tantalizing. Moving hotly back and forth, I scratch at my arm through the thin shirt. The pain is necessary for my penance.
“Kyden?” she questions, pulling my hand away from my arm. “Do you need that too?”
How do I answer that? Do I tell her the need is to remove the sin from my tainted soul? She may leave, and I’ll feel even dirtier. Taking a chance, I tell her the truth. It’s Scarlet, after all. “Yes. It’s a part of the penance for my transgressions. Yes, Scarlet, I have a driving need to punish myself.” Blinking, acknowledging what I’ve told her, she stops her movements. Pulling her hand back, she steps away to the edge of the dead fire. Picking up the kit I left in a rush, she turns back.
Unfurling the frequently stained cloth, she unties it and inspects the tools of my repentance. Lovingly touching each
blade, she walks back across the room with a smile on her face.
“Can I watch? Or can I participate? Is it the pain, or the anticipation of pain that excites you?” I’d never thought of it that way, but she sees something that I hide.
“I’ve only ever been alone. No one knows of it.” Nodding her understanding, she selects a blade. It’s one of my favorites. Twelve inches long, a thin boning knife blade. Honed to a sharpness that would slice off the head of my cock in a single swipe, the handle is bone, with all color worn off from use.
“Would this be okay?” she asks with trepidation. I don’t think she’s afraid to do it. I think she’s afraid to take something from me that I relish.
“Yes.”
Setting the rest of the set aside, she holds the handle reverently, as if it’s a favored friend. “Strip,” she commands.
“Scarlet—”
“Don’t Scarlet me, Kyden. Strip.” At her serious expression, I begin.
Pulling off my shirt, I then remove my trousers, boxers, and socks, and stand completely naked in my living quarters. Staring down the woman who holds my attention fully, she catalogues my scars.
“Kyden, that’s a lot.” Slightly covering myself, I’m fearful of her disgust. “Don’t cover yourself to me.” Touching my face, she raises my chin, her gaze showing only acceptance and care. “Never hide from me, Kyden.”
Stepping close, her breath tickles the skin on my chest. I watch her with a tremendous amount of fear. Will she fear it? Will she run from this? After all, it is a lot.
“Scarlet, you don’t have to—”
“I don’t do things I don’t want to. Do I, Kyden?” Thinking about it, she doesn’t. No one has ever been able to control her. Sure, Bracken tried to, but nothing broke her, nothing halted her forward motions. Scarlet is a lone soul that depends on no one.
Looking down, inspecting the newest cuts on my legs, Scarlet touches them with her finger. “Does it hurt?”
Even as she feathers the damage, my cock pulses with need and I groan. “No. It isn’t pain I need. It’s the absolution of my daily transgressions.”
“What was it that caused this today?” She’s truly curious. I’m amazed at her interest.
“I was tempted by the devil. To love, to act upon my need to father children. To show them love and giving them a home.”
“Giving an unwanted child a home or fathering children isn’t a sin, Kyden.” She’s confused by my reasons.
“No. But wanting what is not mine is. Wanting and envying others for what they so flatly don’t care for or appreciate is not as valiant.”
Scraping a nail along the inside of my leg, almost touching, yet missing anything sexual is tantalizing. “So, you coveted what was not yours to want?” She understands it better than I thought she would have. “You were jealous?”
“Yes. One of the deadliest sins. ‘Those who practice envy and strife are barred from the kingdom of heaven.’ Cain, Joseph, and their brothers. Are there not purer examples of how envy destroys us all?”
“You would know better than I, Father.” Placing the knife along the soft flesh of my left leg, Scarlet drags the length of it across without breaking skin.
Holding my breath, my chest tightens and my cock stiffens to the point of pain as the scabs pull apart. “Fuck,” I say aloud.
“Tell me what you need, Kyden.”
Gripping my cock in hand, I slowly stroke it.
She stops me. “No, Kyden. I told you to tell me, not to do it yourself.”
Releasing my grip, I pull back and look into her heated gaze. She’s always been on my mind, and now she’s here. It’s wrong in so many ways, but I can no longer stop it. All these years, she’s the one that I’ve imagined being here with me.
“Touch me. Cut me. Just being here is painful and excruciatingly perfect.”
“Fine. But you tell me, you don’t touch. Understood? Otherwise, I’ll leave and take your instruments with me.” Waiting for my response, she pulls the blade back and grasps my cock, tight. “Do you understand me, Kyden?”
“Yes! Yes, I understand, Scarlet.”
“Good.” Smiling smugly, her eyes twinkle with mischief. “Now, tell me what you need.”
I motion like I do before every repentance. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Today I coveted the need for a family, allowing jealousy and envy within my soul. Please, accept my absolution.” Scarlet watches intently as I move through the motions. “Please, place the towel on the floor.” Kneeling down, I wait for her to do as instructed.
Setting the boning knife on the table nearby, she places the towel in front of me. Pulling it closer, I lay it just under my knees. I rise up so that my back is ramrod straight. “Come down here.”
Tucking her flowing skirt between her knees, she kneels directly across from me. Reaching over, I grab the knife and hand it to her. I’d never noticed until now that I treat it like something as important as a limb to an amputee. Without it in its place, anxiety creeps up my spine.
“Would you touch me? I’ve always imagined it was you touching me.”
Kneading her brows together, she reaches forward, grasping my cock loosely.
“No, not like that.” Placing my hand across hers, I tell her, “Like this. It’s penance. More painful than pleasurable.”
“Okay, Kyden.” Tightening her grip, she squeezes with a strength I never thought she owned. It excites me.
“Yes!” Admonishing myself for the outburst, I say in a softer tone, “Yes. Like that, please.”
Stroking slowly at first, the feel of her soft hand pulling and pushing to a beat of her selection is erotic as hell.
“Is this good?”
“Yes, it is.” I turn my outstretched, scarred right arm out toward her. “Cut me. I need it.”
Switching hands, she adjusts to produce the same pressure as before. Groaning out at the tension, she looks into my eyes. “You’re sure, Kyden?”
“Absolutely. Please,” I plead.
Accepting the driving force I have, Scarlet places the knife against the raised, punished skin. Sliding it across, I feel the exhilaration that I do every time the blade separates skin. “Yes, that’s right. Pump my cock as hard as you can.”
Gaining speed, Scarlet pulls the knife against the skin again. Seeing the blood dribble off my dark skin, my heart sinks and sings all at once. “Father, forgive my sins.” But the building pressure hasn’t dissipated. My sins haven’t been absolved. More is needed. My sins must be great for defaulting on my vow to assist all souls to the gates of Heaven. No. I don’t believe that. He didn’t deserve entrance, but the choice to choose wasn’t mine to decide at time of death. That was my God’s to decide.
The foundations of my faith have been severely shaken today. Placing my hand on the handle of the knife, I stop her hand. “On the leg.”
Without asking further, Scarlet turns the handle low. Inspecting the shallow cuts along the inner soft flesh, she selects a clean spot. It’s not that it’s untouched territory, but it’s been a long time. The scars there are a deep brown. Clasping the blade tightly, coursing it from my knee toward the groin, I feel further relief.
Scarlet must know she’s helping give me something that no one ever has. This is a peace I couldn’t fathom explaining if I was asked. Moving quicker now, pulling the scabs apart, I relish the punishment.
Scarring my leg again and again, purposefully thrusting her hand with a damaging stroke, I groan.
“More. Faster.” I arch my back to the pain. “Don’t stop,” I shout out as the pressure builds. Closing my eyes, accepting the tearing heat, I don’t at first feel a change. Moving low, covering the head with her mouth, Scarlet sucks my cock deep within. The heat is tremendous and almost indescribable. Thrusting my hips forward, Scarlet strikes my skin again with the blade. Faster than ever before, my release creeps up and spills forth, down her throat.
Crying out, the pleasure mounts as my blood flows down my leg. As my seed spills into Scarlet
’s sweet mouth, my hips rock with a will of their own.
Calming my breathing as the orgasm ends, she releases me from her mouth and licks her lips.
“That was interesting, Kyden.” Pulling the towel off the floor, she hands it to me before setting the knife on the kit.
Cleaning the surface of the knife, I lovingly slip it into its holster before patting down the freshly made scars on my leg and arm.
Rising off the floor and straightening her outfit out, I watch in absent interest. Sex with another is something that I never thought would happen again. No, it wasn’t intercourse, but there was an intimacy that I felt was lost to me for life.
“Could I trouble you for a glass of water?” she asks sweetly.
I’m sure the taste of me in her mouth must be potent and unfriendly. “Of course.” Lifting off the floor, I grab my clothes and dress quickly before walking off to the kitchenette. “I’m not sure what to think of this, Scarlet,” I say as she waits in the living area.
I pour her a glass of water from the faucet and make my way back to the living room. Surprised to find we’re no longer alone, a quick understanding courses through me.
CHAPTER EIGHT
~
Taking in the unwanted guest, my blood heats with fury. “Why are you here?”
“Hello to you too, brother. After such a trying night, I expected you to be cordial.” Handing the drink to Scarlet, I notice that her demeanor has changed.
Speaking to my brother, I try to avoid the obvious setup. “Bracken, one would assume you’d knock before entering a person’s residence.”
Crossing the room, he takes a seat in the chair and plunks his feet up on the hearth, commanding the space in a dark and despicable way.
“Well, brother, I thought we could have that conversation again about you returning to the club.”