Other Books by Jessica McBrayer
Stained Series
Stained
Murder of Crows
Raven’s Tale (coming December 2013)
San Francisco Vampire Series
Sucking in San Francisco
Hell Hounds are for Suckers
Sucking Bites
Suckers go to Hell
Audibles
Sucking in San Francisco
Hell Hounds are for Suckers
Sucking Bites
Stained (coming soon)
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used facetiously. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or to events or locations, is entirely coincidental.
Cover art by Marik Berghs copyrighted © 2013.
Copyright © 2013 by Jessica McBrayer
ISBN 13: 978-0-9899530-1-6
Published by Mess of Geckos Publishing
810 Seaview Drive, El Cerrito, CA 94530
For Hannah
And the future that might have been.
Suckers Go To Hell
A Hannah and Diel Christmas
1 HANNAH
What do you wear to a Christmas party in Hell? My soul mate, lover, my ever after, Diel – well his parents hadn’t main-streamed yet and still lived down under full time. The visit presented a point of contention between us. I so didn’t want to go down there. I wouldn’t have been able to go at all if it hadn’t been for our Hell Hound, Hades. Only Hell Hounds are able to provide safe passage to non-demons back, and forth.
I am an anomaly. Technically, I am dead already, but my heart still beats, just slowly. I am a Vampire you see and my lover is a demon. My name is Hannah and I am not your ordinary Vamp. Diel’s aristocratic family doesn’t care that I’m a Vampire. In fact I’ve got the impression that they don’t care for me at all, although Diel hasn’t mentioned it.
I was on my way to pick up my best friend Lily who lives in the Pacific Heights district of San Francisco. My vintage Beetle hummed along the Bay Bridge. Hades had stuck his head out of the passenger window letting the drool fly. I felt sorry for whoever was behind us. They for sure had their wipers on. We were going to go shopping for my trip to Hell. I think that would normally freak a girl out but I had imbibed on the ganja juice that flowed out of a young college student, midnight snack if you will, last night. I was still pretty mellow.
When I rolled to a stop outside a mansion, which had become a giant fortress since a warlock had attacked it and Lily and Liam had become Were-vamps, Hades almost broke my window jumping from the car. Luckily, Aidan, his godfather and a jinni, popped out to intercept him.
“Hannah, what have you been feeding my godson? He looks like he’s grown,” Aidan said as he played tug-of-war with a tug he pulled from nowhere.
Aidan’s British accent is as perfect as his body. Hey I can appreciate. At one time I found him pursuable. But then he had to go and fall in loooove with my bestie, Lily.
“Let’s bring Hades inside, Ganja Girl.” That was my self-imposed super-hero name. “Lilith is craving a little puppy time before you girls go shopping.”
“Where are you and Hades going to hang out?” I asked him.
“I thought I’d take him to the beach and then back to your house. Is that okay?”
“Which beach?” I had to ask because it could be here in California or in Africa.
“A thought he might like some big game to chase down…”
“Uh huh, Aidan. This continent today. In fact, this state,” I said with my hands on my hips. I wasn’t very imposing at my height of five feet one inch but I could pull attitude when needed.
Aidan held his hands up in a placating way.
“Hannah, I promise that I will take him no farther than to Ocean Beach. He can chase seagulls.”
“Sounds good,” I said.
“Sounds boring,” I heard him mumble. I flashed him a little fang and hissed and he smiled sheepishly at me. I might have mellowed out last night but I was still on edge about our upcoming trip.
“So, you’re going to see the in-laws? Nervous?”
“Slightly, I think if I could vomit I would,” I said gagging.
“Hannah, Hannah, Hannah. You will be fine. Just be yourself. That’s the person that Diel fell in love with. That’s the person he is spending the rest of his life with, no matter what his parents say or do. Diel has your back,” Aidan said, as he put his hand on the small of my back and led me into the library.
The library of the mansion is a remarkable room. The ceiling painted with a Greek goddess that looked a lot like Helena, one of the Vampires that lived there, another good friend. In the mural the sea was splashing around her and porpoises played around her feet.
The walls are covered in books and mementos from the other Vampires who live here. Sebastian who was over three hundred and fifty, Julian, Helena’s lover who was over seven hundred years old and then Helena who was almost a thousand years old. The back wall was made of windows letting in full light. I always appreciated that. I hate stuffy old libraries. The room was decorated in shades of blue. Very peaceful. It is where everyone congregates in the house because Julian lives there doing research. Several laptops were scattered around the room on the tables and among the books. A grouping of chairs and sofas finished the room out.
When I walked in with Aidan, Lily jumped up and hugged me.
“Hannah, dear. I’m so happy to see you. Since you’ve up and “married” Diel, I never get enough time with you,” she said, grabbing my hand and leading me further into the room where everyone had gathered to greet me, Sebastian with kisses on the cheek, Julian with a hug and Helena with a hug and kiss.
I always felt so loved when I was there. It grounded me. It also used to make me envious before I met Diel. All the love and sappy ever after used to bring me down, but now I get it.
I plopped down in a chair, straightened my fishnet stockings and pulled down my mini. My Mary Janes didn’t have spikes, only skulls. In reference to today’s outing, I had tried to tone down my fashion statement.
“Hannah, ma petite, when are you going down under?” Sebastian asked.
“Tomorrow, staying until Christmas Day, if I don’t break out sooner.”
“That’s a long stay for the first time visiting,” Julian said, frowning. A wrinkle formed between his brows.
“I know and Diel protested. Even he doesn’t want to visit his parents that long, but they insisted. They said they’d never met me and that they hadn’t seen him in a long time. So we agreed.” I crossed and uncrossed my legs.
“Hannah, dear, are you nervous?” Lily asked.
“Hell yes I’m nervous. I’m going to Hell. My only way down and back safely is my dog. I’m also meeting my man’s parents for the first time. I’m told they are conservative. What the hell does that mean?” I ran my hand through my hair, making it stick straight up, midnight black for the moment. “I don’t have anything conservative in my wardrobe.”
“That’s where I come in,” said Lily. She smiled at me like I was a giant blue Tiffany’s box complete with white bow. I smiled ba
ck like I was hung over and someone said tequila!
“Hannah, go with Lilith. She has impeccable taste. She won’t steer you wrong,” Aidan said. “I’m taking Hades now and we’re going to chase seagulls,” he rolled his eyes before he and Hades popped out.
“What was that about?” Lily asked.
“Aidan wanted to give Hades a chance to chase some big game, I’m not sure where. I didn’t let him get far enough along on that tangent to tell me. I just forbade him to take Hades out of California.” Sebastian’s throaty laughter fell in rich layers over me.
“Hannah, it’s hard to outwit a djinn, but I think you did. You probably thoroughly ruined his afternoon too,” Sebastian said with a wicked grin. There was no love lost between the two of them.
I smacked Sebastian on the arm for being so happy about it and he laughed again. Andrew, the butler, strolled in and rolled his eyes at Sebastian. Bast patted Andrew on the back.
“Come on, Andrew, it’s all in good fun.”
“Yes, I’m sure it is, Mr. Sebastian. Just like the time you ended up going at each other with fisticuffs.”
“That was different,” Sebastian growled.
They had been dueling over Lily. Competing for her love. She liked them both and hadn’t known what she felt yet. The guys decided to take things into their own hands. She was not impressed. She finally chose Sebastian. Then Sebastian was put under a love spell by a nasty Witch/Vamp and cheated on Lily, breaking her heart. During that time she turned to Aidan for comfort and one thing led to another. In the end, Lily decided she needed a break from both of them and all men in general. The boys were not handling it very well. Let’s just say Lily was doing a lot of retail therapy.
“Well, Hannah, I have some fabulous boutiques to show you. Come on, let’s get started,” Lily said and clapped her hands. I think she had been dying to do a makeover on me for ages. I groaned and followed behind her.
“You know we have to go to the spa too…”
“Whatever,” I said like the petulant teenager I was channeling at the moment. I could hear the laughter coming from the library as we walked down the hall.
2. HANNAH
I had to admit I loved having my feet soak in warm bubbly water. I sat back in the massage chair and relaxed. Our nails don’t grow, but like Lily always proclaimed, it was nice to have someone massage your feet. The nail techs worked hard to get all the black nail polish off my toe and finger nails.
“She would like a French tip on her nails and toes, please,” Lily instructed them. I growled.
The women snickered at the look I gave Lily. Lily just closed her eyes and relaxed into her chair. So I followed her cue.
Soon our nails were buffed and painted to perfection and our bodies were loose like jelly. Next we went to the facial room. We were put into chairs and again they had to practically use a sandblaster to get all the black eyeliner and dark eye shadow off me. I know they were secretly making fun of me but I didn’t care. They all looked like Barbie dolls to me in their white smocks with their hair tied back.
Cucumbers went on our eyes and then mud on our faces. I heard Lily sigh but all I could think was I could have gone to the beach with Aidan and Hades to get muddy. For a lot less money and not have had to put up with the artificially enhanced twins. That was harsh.
When the mud had dried, they rinsed us off and I had to admit my face felt soft and tight. They put moisturizer on and then we whisked off to pay, where I argued with Lily until she simply said, “Put it on my tab” and walked out the door. I had to scramble to catch up with her.
“It wasn’t so bad, was it, Hannah?” she asked me. She looked at me through half lashes, biting her bottom lip.
“No, it wasn’t so bad. I wish you’d let me pay, though.”
She smiled and shook her finger at me.
“My treat today. Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to play dress up with you?”
“Ugh, you know this is only for the trip. When we come home, it’s back to minis and leather, combat boots and black eyeliner all the way,” I grumbled.
“I know, I know,” she said nodding her head. “But you will love how you are going to look for the trip. I promise!”
She actually skipped ahead of me. I jogged to keep up. We jumped in her car and hit up Neiman’s next. It was thick with holiday shoppers.
First stop was the lingerie department.
“You have to build from the ground up, Hannah.”
I’ve always been a boy short, sports bra kind of girl. The lingerie Lily pulled out was just indecent to my nineteenth century mind. But I quickly got over it, thinking about how Diel’s eyes were going to pop out. After that I became an enthusiastic participant. I tended to go for black while Lily went for white. We had a huge pile of the tiniest, laciest, lingerie by the time we were done.
“That ought to do it,” she said.
“For at least ten years,” I said.
“Think of it as your trousseau,” she offered. “We should have had a girl’s night out or something before you hooked up, but it happened so quickly we didn’t get a chance.”
Lily was referring to the way a demon determines who “the one” is. They meet and it becomes “the one and only” for life. Kind of a “meet and greet” on steroids.
“I know. I missed all that, but I don’t regret the way it happened.”
Lily rubbed my arm and smiled at me. “I know. I wish it could happen for me that way.”
“Yeah what’s up with you lately? We haven’t had any girl chat in too long.”
“I don’t know, Hannah. I don’t want to talk about my love life, or lack thereof, today. It’s all about you right now,” she said. A haunted look passed across her face. My heart broke a little for my friend. Okay it was cut Lily some slack day.
We moved to the petite section and started mixing and matching skirts and gah, blouses. Old women wear blouses. I had to say something.
“Lily, dearest, you don’t wear any of this. Why do I have to?”
“I see your point. Let’s go over there. I may have been aiming too matronly. We’ll knock it up a notch or two.”
Thank heavens.
We started browsing dresses by designers. This I could manage. If I had to. We chose several, correction; Lily chose several for me to try on. She herded me into a dressing room and stood guard.
After assessing each one we kept two and went back into the trenches. It took three hours but we came away with an outfit for every day Diel and I would be at the in-laws with a special outfit for Christmas. There were even some jeans in there. Next on a list, that only existed in Lily’s mind, were shoes. That was a quick stop. Lily knew her shoes. She simply told the sales clerk the names of what she wanted and my size.
I’m not going to repeat the total. It was astronomical. I have money but I’m kind of a skin flint. Diel has major money too and is more flashy about it than me. I get the feeling his parents are used to spending money. Diel’s a Duke – Demon Royalty – and me without a drop of blue blood in me. I haven’t even tasted any.
Recalling those little facts, I was thankful for Lily’s intervention once again. She wasn’t royal but was born to money and had spent so much time with Sebastian, she could have passed any princess and the pea test.
We went to the makeup counters next. Lily said I needed some lipstick and mascara.
“Hannah, honey, our complexions are flawless by Vamp nature, so all you really need is a little color on the lips to remind them that you bite and to lengthen those beautiful lashes.”
I liked the part about biting.
We tried several colors. I loved the darker colors, eggplants and roses. Lily agreed.
Six hours later and I had had enough.
“Let’s get out of here, Lily. I need to check on my dog and make sure he isn’t taking down a water buffalo somewhere.”
“You’ve been such a good sport about this Hannah. Thank you. It was just the diversion I needed and I had a really
good time,” Lily said. We had to have help to haul out all the bags and shoe boxes.
“I enjoyed myself more than I thought I would, Lily. Thank you. I never would have been able to do it without you.”
“You’re welcome.” We hip bumped.
Somehow we managed to pack everything into her car. I was wearing one of the outfits and lingerie sets we had bought. I wanted to see how Diel responded.
When we got to the manse as Lily called their home, I had to call Aidan to have him zap my packages home.
When he popped in to help his mouth hung open.
“Hannah, my love, what happened to you?”
“Stop it, Aidan or I’ll kick your jinni ass,” I said.
“There’s my girl,” he said. “But, really love, you look amazing. Diel is going to go crazy. In fact I’m going to pop your Beetle back and then take you with me so I can see his expression.”
And Aidan made good on his promise. He snapped his fingers and my Beetle went into my garage. Well I could only assume – you can never anticipate a djinn’s sense of humor.
My packages went next. Then he held his hand out to me and we went sailing through the warm winds of time and space.
3. AIDAN
I took Hannah’s beautifully manicured hand and we transmanifested to her bungalow in Berkeley. Diel was playing with Hades, since I had just returned him home. Diel knew that Hannah was expected but not so soon. When he looked up and saw her, the look on his face was priceless. Somewhere between lust, awe and horror.
Hannah had on Jimmy Choos that made her legs look like they went on forever. In fact I had never noticed how nice they were until now. Hmmm… She was wearing a short pink dress with a beaded see through top and the rest of the dress was pleated with an under slip. She spun for him and his eyes popped at the show of leg. I have to admit I was looking too.
“Watch your eyes, Aidan,” Diel growled. He gave me a dirty look.
“You have to admit the landscape is pretty, Diel,” I countered.
“I don’t know what to think,” he said.
Suckers Go To Hell Book # 4 (San Francisco Vampires) Page 1