by Kim Karr
“I was just leaving, but I’d love to take you and my grandson out to dinner one night. How long will you be in town?”
My eyes darted to Logan’s beautiful hazel pools. “Not long. I have to get back to Boston. I have a business that I just opened and a niece I’ve been helping care for.”
“I heard about your boutique. On my next trip to Boston, I must stop in. I have a penchant for unique things. Collecting them is one of my many hobbies. Drives my wife crazy.”
I knew about his penchant for unique things from my previous life, but didn’t mention where I used to work for no other reason than that I needed to talk to Logan and didn’t want to start up a long conversation with his grandfather. “I’d love to show you around.”
Logan was unusually quiet.
His grandfather squeezed my hand. “Elle, I look forward to getting to know you in the future.”
I managed a smile and hoped Logan and I had a future.
Diverting his gaze, he held out his hand to Logan. “Thank you for being honest with me, and take as much time as you need.”
When Logan grabbed his outreached hand, he tugged his grandfather in for an almost hug and said, “Thank you for understanding.”
They must have discussed his job. I wondered what was decided.
Just as the door was closing, Logan’s grandfather said, “Call me once in a while, and your mother, too.”
I guessed Logan wasn’t going to be working for him.
Logan had no reaction to his comment. Just answered, “Yes, I will, sir.”
As soon as the door closed, the air in the room shifted yet again.
My gaze circled the space but then landed on the virile man in front of me. The doubt I saw in his eyes made it hard to breathe. I opened my mouth to speak, but he spoke first.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
His words punched every last bit of breath I had out of me. “But, I had to—”
“It’s too dangerous for us to be together.”
A pain in my chest flared. “Logan, listen to me—”
He cut me off again. “We’ve talked about this.”
Reeling from his words, my fists and my jaw clenched in anger. “No, Logan, we didn’t. You did.”
Logan’s gaze remained steady. “Then I did.”
The cold tone of his voice told me his guard was completely up, and that pissed me off even more. I took a breath and said what needed to be said. “You have to stop allowing Tommy Flannigan to rule the direction your life takes.”
He pinned me with his stare. “That’s not what I’m doing, Elle. What I’m doing is keeping you safe.”
I shook my head. “I know that’s what you think you’re doing but he’s been your enemy for so long, you can’t see what’s real anymore. Don’t get me wrong—I get it. He’s threatened you your entire adult life and you’re scared, but he’s behind bars now.”
Maybe I imagined it, but I swear I saw him roll his eyes. “Like I already told you, that doesn’t mean shit.”
I swallowed bitter vile. “Can we at least talk about this?”
For the first time during our conversation, he dropped his gaze. “There’s nothing left to say.”
Resigned, I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. This back and forth wasn’t good for me. I had to keep my life stable for Clementine’s sake. There was no knowing how long Logan would need to be alone and my mind was already scattered enough. I couldn’t live day by day like that. I couldn’t leave things between us open ended. I knew if I did it was consume me.
My next words felt like a knife stabbing through my heart. “Then you have to let me go, Logan, because I can’t live like this. You want me. You don’t. You pull me close and then leave me behind. It’s making my head spin and I can’t think straight. I can’t work. I can’t concentrate. I can’t do it.”
His face went blank and he said nothing in return, but his gaze rose and this time he didn’t look away from me.
Looking into those intense hazel eyes, I felt as though I was caught in a swirling storm. I straightened my shoulders and pushed on. Desperation kicking in, I put it all out there. “I mean it, Logan. If you can’t let your fear go, then we need to end things.”
Vastness stretched between us.
He said nothing.
Pleading now, I said, “You have to know, together, we are stronger. We can support each other.”
Stare unwavering, he still said nothing.
Nothing.
Guilt and fear were written all over his face.
I hated myself for evoking these emotions within him, but I wanted so much for him to understand we had to do this together. Looking at him, I could see the turbulence in his stare and I blurted out what was so obvious. “Tommy already knows about us, so what is staying away from me going to do?”
“Save you,” he whispered.
“You don’t know if he’ll actually try to do anything,” I rationalized.
“That’s a big if. You weren’t there when he attacked Kayla right in front of me. She was petrified and I couldn’t help her. I can’t go through something like that with you. I won’t risk it. I just can’t.”
Bile rose up my throat.
I wanted to take him in my arms but instead I just stared.
This was it.
Self-preservation kicked in. I had to accept that under his strong exterior, he was a runner, through and through. And I couldn’t live like that.
In a state of utter desolation, I shouldered past him and flung the door open. One last time I turned to look at him. God, this was so hard. “Together or apart—you choose. There is no in-between.”
He blinked as if in shock and opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. “Don’t do this, Elle. Don’t make me pick. I told you I needed time to figure things out and nothing has changed.”
It had. He refused to even try to see things my way. In truth, I was afraid to be alone. I’d been alone my whole life. I needed him now because yes, I was scared. “Time isn’t going to change anything.”
Abundant sunlight was like a halo around his lean swimmer’s build and I watched with disappointment as he shook his head. “Please, just give me some time.”
My emotions had never switched gears as quickly as they did around Logan. Anger gone, heartbreak set in. “Here’s the thing, Logan: Time is an abstract word. It could be days or weeks, but it also could be months or even years. I can’t live my life in limbo. Not anymore. My emotions can’t be up and down. I have to think about Clementine. I need stability in my life for her sake. I hope you can understand that.”
“Elle—” he breathed.
This time I cut him off. We’d said all we needed to say. “Goodbye, Logan,” I whispered, with my throat tight and the sting of tears in my eyes.
Trapped in that cycle of fear, the atmosphere between us was so fraught, I couldn’t stop my entire body from shaking as I closed the door.
In the hall, my knees felt weak. Just standing up was taking all of my energy. I wanted to take the last forty-eight hours back and start all over again. I was a mess. I felt dead inside. I knew I’d never be the same.
As I pressed the down arrow, I looked back. Sadly, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t catch him after all.
LOGAN
I felt really weird all of a sudden . . . kind of like I’d been punched in the gut and kneed in the balls at the same time.
Stunned about what just happened, I couldn’t move.
Was I scared?
Hell, yeah, I was.
Living without her and knowing she was alive was a much better outcome than living without her because I’d been selfish and needed her in my life and she’d been killed.
Ding. Ding.
Reality slapped me in the face as soon as I heard the elevator arrive that would take Elle from my life. She had come here with an ultimatum and I had sent her packing.
I ran my hand through my hair. She didn’t understand. It wasn’t as simple as her p
rotecting herself.
Fuck, I couldn’t do this though.
I couldn’t let her leave like that.
Grabbing my keys, I rushed out the door but I was too late—the elevator had already closed.
Like a bat out of hell, I ran for the stairs and pounded down them as fast as I could. In the lobby, the elevator door was already open and she was gone. Hustling out onto the street, I spotted her instantly as she crossed Fifth Avenue headed toward the Met. “Elle!” I shouted in a worthless effort to gain her attention.
Even this far uptown, the streets of New York were way too loud. Horns honking, cars racing by, people talking, the wind blowing.
Suddenly, it was all too much.
Not that it mattered, because the light turned red and I was forced to stop. There was a car right in front of me with heavily tinted windows waiting to pass through the traffic, and when I looked into one of them, I saw myself.
What I saw, I didn’t like.
Before I met Elle it had been a while since I looked at myself and didn’t see a fuck-up. When I was with her, though, everything I’d done seemed to fade into the background. If I stopped her now would it be just another fucked-up decision I’d make in my life? That list was already so long I wouldn’t add her to it.
I couldn’t.
For a moment I tried to imagine not letting her walk away. Tried to imagine my life with her, but in that blissful picture I was always looking over my shoulder. Always worried. And all I saw was the danger I’d be putting her in.
I had to let her go.
I had to.
What was my life going to be like without her? Would I stay here in New York, go to work at a job I hated, go out with my friends and pretend all was well, act as if the past week was just a blip in my life?
No, I knew I couldn’t.
She’d gotten under my skin.
She was a part of me that I didn’t want to live without.
Selfishness aside, though, because my need for her was just that, selfish, she needed me to make the right decision.
And I knew letting her go—at least for now—was it.
The car moved forward and I could no longer see my reflection, but the image was still in my head. The fuck-up who made one bad decision after another. But today, I would change that cycle.
The light turned green and as if coming full circle, I didn’t move. I’d go after her and hope she’d forgive me, but first I had to take Tommy out of the picture and put that part of my life to rest. I didn’t know how I was going to do that, but I had a few ideas.
In order to do anything, I had to get back to Boston. I knew she’d be going there as well—we just couldn’t go together.
Sadly, I watched as she walked up the steps of the Met and sat down. I watched as she pulled her phone from her purse and made a call. And then as if I’d been sucker punched, I watched as she hailed a cab and it drove away.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can, baby,” I whispered.
I knew what she’d said, but I hoped I could end this fast and I more than hoped she’d take me back once I did.
I had to or else I might just crumble.
As it was, I stood here feeling emptier than I ever had in my life.
When I walked back to my building, all I could think about was her face—the hope in her eyes that I’d see things her way and the purse of her lips when I refused. I didn’t want to hurt her. I just couldn’t give in to her because every time I looked into those green eyes, all I saw was the blood and violence that I’d cause if I stayed in her life.
Once I was in my apartment, I was more determined than ever to bring this to an end. I sat thinking long and hard about the best way to keep Elle safe. Since killing Tommy was no longer an option, I needed some way to both undermine his leadership and sever his ties to the Blue Hill Gang, while at the same time making sure he was locked up for the rest of his natural-born life.
Undermining his authority meant the members of the gang would no longer respect him. I knew that would be easy to do. It wasn’t like they actually respected him anyway. Severing ties meant no one on the outside of his prison walls would give him the time of day, even if he tried to give them orders. That wouldn’t be as easy to do. Allegiance ran thick in the Blue Hill Gang. My grandfather had instilled that long ago but still, I believed it could be done. And putting Tommy away forever—well, that was a dream I hoped would come true.
The best starting point I had was Lizzy. If only I could find her, then I could figure out what she’d been up to. Find out what kind of relationship she had with Tommy. Who she worked with. Why she did what she did. I knew in my gut she was just the middleman. And I knew from watching the videotape at the hotel that Tommy was very involved, and not in the way he had told his old man. Whatever had gone down wasn’t a passing venture. That was the key to bringing Tommy down. Uncovering his involvement and exposing his lies.
What were Lizzy and Tommy up to?
What was their endgame?
How could I find out?
As if a light bulb had just clicked on, I knew where to start—at the top, and then tracing the steps all the way down.
I pulled out my phone and called someone I was hoping could help me get to the top. Help me find out who the source was. Even knowing this didn’t guarantee anything but it would be a start. One I hoped would open the can of worms.
The line picked up. “You son of a bitch!” James, my best friend for as long as I could remember, answered in his most typical fashion.
“Hey, man, long time no see.”
“Where the hell are you?”
I moved from the sofa to the window in the place I reluctantly called home. The place I never got to show to Elle. “I’m in the city.”
“Let’s get together.”
“I can’t. I’m headed back to Boston, but listen, I need your help.”
“Yeah, yeah, anything—you know that.”
My voice trailed off as I spoke because I knew he was going to jump to the wrong conclusion. “I need the name of someone in the inner circle who has Boston connections.”
“That’s easy enough. Off my head I can think of Theo Lake, Duncan Scott—”
I cut him off. “Who uses,” I added.
“Okay,” he dragged out the word, “but I have to ask, what for?”
“I’m hoping to find out who his supplier is.”
James stayed silent for a few moments. “Are you—?”
I cut him off. “No, man, I’m not using again. I can’t tell you why I need the information, but he won’t get in any trouble. I just want to ask him a few questions. Find out who his dealer his and who the supplier is.”
The summer after college graduation, the summer Tommy attacked Kayla and me, I had been running drugs between Boston and the Hamptons and making a shitload of money doing it. It wasn’t that I needed the money, and to this day I don’t know why I did it. At first it was just to get product to my friends, but then word got out and before I knew it, I was selling to everyone I knew. The supplier had long ago dried up and had replaced ten times over, I was sure but still I knew there was one.
That same summer James and I had also taken using a bit too far. We vowed at the summer’s end, after way too much shit had gone down, to stay away from the blow, and I was pretty certain we both had—so I got why he was concerned.
“Logan, you’re not lying to me, are you?”
I looked around. It had been a long time since I wanted to lose myself in oblivion and even though I really wanted to right now, I knew I had to stay focused. “Come on, James, you know me.”
“Okay. Give me a day. I’ll ask around and get back to you.”
“Thanks, I’ll owe you one.”
“If I were counting, you’d owe me way more than that,” he laughed.
“Fuck off. You’re the one who owes me.”
“Your memory is warped.”
“No, no, no. I think it actually dates back more than ten years ago.”
“What are you talking about?”
I couldn’t resist taunting him. “Remember that time you were jonesing to get back together with George?”
“Fuck, don’t remind me. How is it that you never made me see that she really did have a mouth like a monkey?”
It felt good talking to my old friend. “You can’t be serious. Who do you think named her after Curious George?”
“I’m pretty sure that was me.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Lindsay,” he yelled. “Come here—you have to hear this story and tell me who you think is lying.”
Lindsay was James’s wife, whom he met on a Friday night and married on a Saturday, the following day. Love at first sight. Turns out she was the right one for him, because I’d never seen him happier. She, of course, was a model, but he claimed that’s not why he loved her.
“Hey, Logan, how are you?” she said into the phone.
I sat back. This might take a while. James hated to lose. “Good, Lindsay, and you?”
“I’m great. So tell me how this one goes,” she said with a laugh.
As I started to relay the story from years gone by, I couldn’t help but think this time I believed James . . . He loved this woman and she was perfect for him.
The thought of finally finding the one fucked with my heart even more. I’d found the perfect girl for me when I hadn’t even been looking. And I had to let her go.
In my head I kept saying . . . for now.
That I was going to get lucky on this one.
But who knew?
Luck had never been on my side.
DAY 11
ELLE
Energy surrounded me.
The burst of flames in the open kitchen of B&G’s was intensified by the brilliant white marble bar that circled them. Walls painted in shades of blues and grays zapped charm into the place. Small balls of fire hung above my head, providing ambient lighting. The staff was dressed in all black and they were moving quickly.
Energy seemed to live everywhere.
Yet, I had none.
Not even a spark.
I couldn’t seem to find my center.