by Reid, B. B.
I exhaled though I still felt tense. “So…what happens now?”
“That depends on how you’d like River to be fed.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you can choose to feed him by bottle or by your breast.”
I felt that wildness in my heart again as I ran my suddenly sweaty palms down my burgundy sweatpants bearing Harvard’s logo. So many questions and worries flitted through my mind. Was the natural choice to breastfeed him? What would Nurse Honey think if I chose the opposite? I’d accepted the fact that I wasn’t ready to be a mother, but that didn’t make me feel any less guilty.
“Wouldn’t he be safer being fed by a bottle?” I wanted to stand and pace but learned early on how aware River seemed to be of my moods.
“As long as the necessary reflexes have developed properly, either way is perfectly harmless. He’ll benefit most from the intimate contact required to feed him now that he’s ready to be fed by his mom.” Nurse Honey gave me a knowing look, and I realized with a gulp that she meant I’d have to hold him if I didn’t want him to starve to death.
“Oh.” I almost asked if there was someone else who could do it, but the last shred of respect I had for myself held me back.
“You don’t have to decide right now. We’ll continue with the tube feedings and nonnutritive sucking for a few more days to ensure he’s ready before giving it a shot.”
My sigh of relief was audible, causing her to gently pat my hand before standing and grabbing the breast milk I’d pumped and stored in the designated fridge the day before. Deciding that I needed to get a grip, I stood and made my way downstairs to the cafeteria. The food wasn’t as bad as I’d expected, but it still sucked. It didn’t matter, though, because my appetite was nonexistent. I just needed to escape.
Ten minutes later, I was sitting alone, nibbling on an apple when I felt someone approach. Peeking over my shoulder, I almost groaned, seeing Oliver looming over me with a mop and a smile. He was one of the janitors here and an insatiable flirt. I’d need my fingers and toes to count how many times he’d asked me out on a date.
“Looking good this morning,” he greeted when our gazes connected.
Snorting, I looked away. “You say that every morning even though we both know you’re full of shit.” My skin was dry enough to peel, my eyes were permanently swollen from too much crying, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d brushed my hair or even washed it. And even more tragic, my favorite sweatpants were becoming threadbare from overuse. “What’s the matter? Don’t think you can get a decent date, so you’re willing to settle for the damaged and desolate?”
Shaking his head, Oliver sat across from me as if he weren’t in the middle of his shift. He was sweet, funny, and hot as hell with his dark brown skin, black patch of chin hair, and an easy smile. He was only three years older than me, and I could tell, even under the bagginess of his navy-blue uniform, that he had an amazing body. One I was sure he’d gotten working part-time at his father’s scrapyard where he told me they recycled and sold car parts.
Still, I felt nothing.
Perhaps, I was doing him a favor. My soul and heart had already been irrevocably mated and shattered just as thoroughly.
“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong,” he flirted. “You wouldn’t protect your heart so fiercely if there wasn’t still something worth saving.”
I took a huge bite out of my apple to keep from responding. Vaughn had said much of the same during our first date. Back then, I was afraid of being hurt, so I pushed any chance of that happening away. I realize now there was a damn good reason for it.
Stupid.
“So, how’s the little guy?” Oliver inquired the moment I finished chewing.
“Still little,” I replied around the huge lump in my throat.
“But he’s strong like his mother.”
My gaze dropped to the table as I willed my tears not to come. They didn’t listen. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there fighting them back before I finally surrendered. Soon, it wasn’t the only thing pouring out of me, and I couldn’t stop once I started.
“I’m not strong,” I whispered. “And I’m not a mother.” I looked up then, not caring if Oliver or anyone else saw my tears or the fact that he was startled by the sudden change in my demeanor. “A mother would hold her baby. She wouldn’t be afraid to love him. She’d know she could and let no one stand in her way. She’d sing to him when he was afraid and feed him when he was hungry. And she wouldn’t lie.” I shook my head. Was it a warning to turn back now before I said more or an admission of the truth? I kept going. “She wouldn’t tell her son that she couldn’t keep him because it’s what’s best for him. She’d tell him the truth. She’d tell him she couldn’t keep him because she’s afraid of seeing his father whenever she looks at him. But then…a mother wouldn’t put her broken heart first, would she? She’d break it again and again just to see her son smile. I’m weak, Oliver, and it isn’t because my thorns are bent, and my petals have fallen. It’s because knowing doesn’t make a goddamn difference. I can’t do this.”
I didn’t stick around after I’d shocked Oliver into silence. I was pretty sure I’d finally managed to talk him out of wanting a date. No one in their right mind would want someone as screwed up and selfish as me.
As I slowly followed the path back to NICU, I contemplated running toward the exit instead. If I abandoned River now, how long would it be before I could stand the sight of myself? I hadn’t left his side since he was born, and I could barely manage to look in the mirror now. Hence my disheveled appearance. I was afraid of seeing the old Tyra Bradley and even more terrified of the new Tyra. Neither, as Vaughn had once claimed, was worth bleeding for.
I was still mulling over the steep cost of running away when I stepped onto the third floor and into complete chaos. Some inherent part of me had me rushing for River’s room, where I expected to see him sleeping soundly only to find him surrounded by doctors. Time seemed to slow as two of the frantic nurses shifted slightly, allowing me to see my baby’s tiny body lying still. So, so still.
River had stopped breathing.
“LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?”
Despite the overeager chick riding his cock, Antonov had found the time and willpower to taunt me. Had I not seen the girl’s license for myself, I’d question whether she was even legal. She was built like a fucking twelve-year-old and looked like one, too. She also moaned like she was auditioning for a part in a porno rather than interviewing for a position in my father’s stable. Shaking my head in disgust, I declined to answer.
Antonov smirked before slapping her bare ass and tossing her aside on the leather sofa next to him. “You’re hired,” he told her as he stuffed his hard dick back in his pants. Even though she was nineteen, she’d make my father a ton of money from the sick fucks with certain…proclivities.
Feeling like I might fucking puke, I hurried from the parlor room and through the front door of the five-bedroom house my father used for his stable. The black, tailored suit I wore kept me warm as I sucked in the cool air. Even though spring had started a couple of weeks ago, it was still pretty frigid up north. To make matters worse my father’s most profitable stable was right here in Blackwood Keep. The clientele, which included my damn uncle, the fucking mayor, was pretty exclusive.
Slowing my stride to my car, I watched as Antonov beelined for his vehicle and peeled off before dropping into my own ride. It had been weeks since my father opened my cage, and I still hadn’t learned why. Jeremy had been called off as my babysitter except for the jobs my father sent me on, like today. That didn’t mean, of course, that he wasn’t having me followed, which is why I took extra precautions.
I wasn’t exactly eager to sell my soul, but with each menial job that my father gave me, I grew impatient. I’d given up my dream of playing football to traffic drugs and guns and even human fucking beings. I—
No.
I’d given it all up for a much greater cause, and righ
t now, she was somewhere out there, hating my guts. Probably wishing I was dead, too. I wondered at what point over the months I had begun to want the same. Shaking off those thoughts, I slammed my foot on the gas, intending to spend the rest of my day getting shit-faced.
I’d been living at the beach house—my only hope of sanctuary. No one knew that it belonged to me. My mother had placed my name on the deed before she left as if she knew I’d need it. I wondered how she never realized that I needed her and not some goddamn house. Sometimes I thought about flying to Paris to ask her, but I wasn’t sure I’d even recognize her. It had been over a decade since my mom left, and I’d only been six years old.
Gripping the steering wheel, I sped down winding roads, taking advantage of the late hour and the lack of other cars on the road until I found myself at my old stomping grounds. I wasn’t sure what drove me here, but I didn’t bother questioning it as I parked my car, grabbed the bottle of my father’s favorite bourbon, and made my way onto Brynwood’s empty football field. It was after nine, so I had no worries of being disturbed as I made myself comfortable on the bleachers and stared out onto the field. For years, I’d allowed myself to get caught up in a fantasy. Football was the only thing I’d ever been free to love. The only thing my father hadn’t been able to take away from me.
Leaning my head back and closing my eyes, I recalled that day a year and a half ago when I met what I thought would be just another distraction but had turned out to be my doom instead. I waited, expecting any moment now for the regret I should feel to come.
At some point, I nodded off.
It was a good thing I hadn’t chosen to hold my breath as well.
A year and a half ago…
“Son.”
Powerful men could command a room and anyone in it with a single word. Cruel men only needed to enter. Unfortunately, and ironically, for my father, I wasn’t as easily bent. He’d made sure of that.
Franklin Rees, both powerful and cruel, loomed on the threshold of my bedroom between its double doors. I continued to ignore him as I searched my room for my car keys. Last year, he tried to bribe me with a car for my sixteenth birthday. The sad fact was that he thought it would actually work. Sure, I’d told him so, but for my father to believe it just showed, for all his cunning and calculating ways, how little he knew me.
I threw the last of the shit I needed into my backpack, and only then did I give him my full attention. “I’m late for school.”
Today was the first day of my senior year at Brynwood, a private academy with a hefty price tag. Along with the handful of scholarship kids attending, I was given a free ride. The tuition would have only been a drop in the bucket. However, being a Blackwood had its perks, even if being a Rees made me a pariah.
My father cocked his head at my statement, and I gritted my teeth. “Is there someone at your school foolish enough to give you trouble?” He slid hands with too much blood on them into his expensive suit pants. “I’d be happy to pay them a visit and discuss your tardiness if you’d like.”
I dropped my bag at my feet and sighed. “Make it quick,” I snapped. No one else would have dared, but my father needed me more than I feared him.
Stroking his chin, he gave me a warning look before speaking. “I wanted to congratulate you on making captain. I hear you’re Brynwood’s new quarterback.”
Of course, he wouldn’t have had to hear it through the grapevine or even more likely the men he paid to spy on me if I’d bothered to tell him myself. Defiantly, I held my father’s gaze and braced myself for what I knew was coming next.
“I suppose this means there will be scouts at your games.”
“It’s just nice to have someone who cares in the stands.” As usual, my father didn’t miss a beat or pretend to feel remorse.
“You have your friends,” he pointed out dismissively. “Something that can be rectified if you continue to test me.”
I quickly bit the inside of my cheek. The little my father allowed me could be taken away with a snap of his fingers. Still, the threat of hurting my friends wasn’t enough to give him what he wanted most. My soul as black and unforgiving as his.
“Yes, there will be scouts at the games. Is that a problem?”
My father straightened the cuffs of his suit jacket before responding. “Only if you get any ideas. Football isn’t in your future, son. You were born for much greater ambitions. If I believed otherwise, I would have made your mother swallow you instead.” I stared at him, refusing to react even when he stepped into the room and my space until we were standing toe to toe. “I seized an empire, and I plan to turn it into a dynasty that begins with you and lasts forever once you bear sons. If you refuse, I’ll put you in the ground. Make no mistake about that.”
“Noted. Can I go now?”
I snatched my bag from the floor and shouldered it. I should have been pissing my pants, but this wasn’t the first time my father threatened my life. I wasn’t sure when I stopped being afraid of death, but I knew it pissed my father off to no end. If I wanted to survive this game of chess, I couldn’t leave him with weaknesses to exploit.
“Get out of my sight,” he ordered.
It was all I could do not to shove past him on my way out. It had been a long time since I was on the receiving end of my father’s knuckledusters. There were times when he didn’t bother himself with disciplining me and left the task to his men.
After fleeing our mansion that resembled a castle, I sped to school. My white Lamborghini Aventador never failed to turn heads in our small, affluent town even though most of the residents had more money than they knew what to do with. My father usually spent his cash getting his way, and when that didn’t work, he used brute force. So far, I’d been the only one his methods failed to work on.
I didn’t waste time hopping out once I parked and rushed inside. The halls were emptying quickly, and I only had a couple of minutes to spare. Even though my father didn’t care about me maintaining a perfect record, Coach Bradley wasn’t as lenient. He had no problem benching my ass even if meant losing every single game. Although I admired the man, I cursed his morals. Unlike my father, he seemed to have his priorities straight.
The bell rang, and door after door slammed shut as I rushed to get to my class. Of course, it had to be on the other side of the fucking school. My foul mood worsened with each desperate step until I was nearly feral. Replaying Coach’s warning speech in my head, I broke into a run as I rounded yet another corner. Unfortunately, I was waylaid when I collided with another person and sent them sprawling across the tiled linoleum. I stared down at the dazed kid, wearing bifocals and a fucking pocket protector. He was just a runt. Too bad for him, I wasn’t in the mood to feel sorry.
“Watch where the fuck you’re going,” I snapped as I straightened my tie. Brynwood required its students to wear uniforms. Today, I’d chosen to wear a red sweater vest to go over my white button-up and navy slacks—our school’s colors. I glanced at his companion, some gorgeous fucking chick with brown skin, a hypnotic gaze that reminded me of whiskey, and curly hair sprouting wildly from her scalp. Instantly, I knew she was too good for me. She was a tiny thing, even smaller than the nerd, which I didn’t think was possible. Her head barely reached my fucking chest, but the pip-squeak didn’t seem to notice that vital fact as she pinned me under her glare. She was wearing a badge that read Student Guide, and I realized the geek still lying on the ground must have been new to the academy. When she continued to stare, waiting for me to apologize, I lifted my brow, daring her to try me before casually stepping over the kid I knocked down. I made it two steps before she spoke. Her soft voice had an edge to it that did something unexpected to me.
“Maybe you should open your eyes, and while you’re at it, learn some damn manners, Rees.”
I kept walking even as I peered over my shoulder. The spitfire had already dismissed me. She was bent over, lips pursed disapprovingly as she helped the kid to his feet as if he were a fucking invalid. I st
udied her while she was distracted and realized I was drawing a blank though something tugged desperately at my memory. The badge made it clear she wasn’t new, so why hadn’t I noticed her before?
Whoever she was, we obviously didn’t run in the same circles.
Frustrated, I shrugged it off, assuming that I’d glimpsed her before but never looked twice. The next time I ran into her, I wouldn’t make the same mistake.
I wondered if that fiery temper of hers would make an appearance when I bent her little ass over and fucked the nerve right out of her. I was Vaughn Rees, star quarterback, and no one, absolutely no one talked to me that way. I didn’t have to question if she knew who I was. Everyone in Blackwood Keep knew what it meant when I entered the room.
In the meantime, I forced the mystery girl from my thoughts as I headed to class. It didn’t escape my notice though that there was an extra pep in my step. It had been a while since I had a challenge. I almost smiled.
Sit tight, baby girl, I’ll be fucking you real soon.
Present
I may not be able to feel regret when it came to Tyra Bradley, but rage was a different story. After twenty minutes of standing in Brynwood’s dark lot with nothing but the crickets and the wind to keep me company, bright headlights washed over me. For a moment, I was frozen, unable to look away from the destruction. My blood was boiling, and I knew if I didn’t calm down soon, I’d break my vow.
Stepping from his G-Wagon, my best friend’s sleepy eyes widened the moment he noticed the reason for my call. I was just lucky that Ever had been home for spring break. “Vaughn!” he yelled as he rushed over. “Are you okay?” Golden eyes scanned my body frantically, his eyebrows dipping further when he realized that I wasn’t hurt. “What the fuck happened?”
I forced a deep breath because if my jaw tightened any further, I’d break a tooth. “She happened.” I didn’t know how or why, but Tyra was here in Blackwood Keep, and the knowledge filled me with adrenaline rather than the panic and dread I expected of my father inevitably finding out. As long as I stayed away from her, she was safe, but the chance of that happening when she so obviously wanted my attention was slim.