by Sean Kennedy
Part Two
From the Reach Out, 24 May 2016
Out and About With Jasper Brunswick
ANY LONG-TERM reader of this paper will know that I have written with some regularity about Declan Tyler’s charity, GetOut, which helps queer kids deal with homophobia (among other things) in their chosen sport. Two recent success stories have been Micah Johnson, the first AFL player out from the beginning of his career, and Emma Goldsworthy, who is currently training at the Australian Institute of Sport and hoping for an eventual placement with the Hockeyroos.
Unfortunately the story of one GetOut member has taken a dark turn. Will Deanes was another young man rising through the ranks, playing in a VFL team while completing his final year of high school. He had a future every bit as bright as Micah Johnson’s, with the draft for the AFL being his major goal come December.
But it seems that has all ended, with a major bus accident coming home from a country game. Thankfully, the injuries for the rest of team were minor, or at least, not life-threatening. Will is the one who copped the worst of it, with doctors predicting that, although he may walk again, his career as a footballer has most certainly ended before it truly began.
In light of all the other tragedies in the world, this may seem a blip in all of the coulda woulda shouldas, but this is a young man who had everything before him. His life is not over, but everything he hoped for has been taken from him and he now faces uncertainty where once he saw a straight path.
“It’s too hard for Will to think about it right now,” said Declan Tyler, Will’s mentor at GetOut, when reached for comment. “He just has to take everything in stages. What he has to do is focus upon recovery and rehabilitation.”
It doesn’t need to be said that GetOut’s objective is to be there for Will—it’s the reason why it was created, after all.
Chapter 10
TRUTH BE told, Will Deanes wasn’t exactly a close friend of Micah’s. Although they had a tumultuous history, they had slowly resolved their issues and could call each other friends even if they mostly only knew about each other’s lives through mutuals like Emma and through social networking.
So they had come a long way from a past that included Will cyberbullying Micah, Micah finding out Will was also gay, Will punching him out, and then Will later trying to kiss him. It was all very… dramatic, like their lives were some teenage soap opera on fast-forward. But by the end of last year, Will had been coming to terms with his sexuality and they had even had a sort of undeclared truce even though they weren’t really “friend” friends.
Will had kept in touch with Emma more than he had Micah, and Emma had kept Micah up to date with what was going on in his life. Apparently he had told his dad he was gay, and when he hadn’t taken it that well, Will had moved out with some footy buddies who were a bit more tolerant. Micah couldn’t even imagine how hard doing his final year of school while out of home and preparing for the draft would be. It gave him a new respect for Will, especially as he had been making it work in conjunction with being a regular player for the Northern Blues, based in Preston.
Now he didn’t even have that, because Will Deanes was currently lying in the Austin Hospital with a broken back.
And it wasn’t even anything to do with a football injury. Micah knew so many football careers could end on the field, but Will hadn’t even had that opportunity. A wet road had finished Will’s dreams of a career in the professional league. Even dreams of the suburban leagues were done and dusted.
Micah couldn’t even begin to imagine what Will must be thinking, prone in that bed, dwarfed by the hospital ward around him. Will had only just had his eighteenth birthday, and already his future was in tatters. It may have been selfish, but it was hard for Micah not to imagine how easily it could have been him. It could be anybody. And he didn’t know what he would do if it had been him.
When he managed to get home, Micah had sat staring at the wall for a while. Then he went in search of Sam. Even though he didn’t know Will, Sam took the news badly. Sam very much believed in the brotherhood aspect of football, and to him Will’s tale of tragedy was as bad as if it happened to someone on their own team.
“It’s so fucked,” Micah said, full of eloquence.
“I know.” And, as Sam’s arm had snaked around his shoulders, Micah found himself crying.
Sam just let him do so, until he had calmed enough to begin talking again.
“So, what do you want to do?” he asked.
“I want to go and see him before the game on Saturday.” The Dockers were playing the Western Bulldogs in Melbourne, and they were booked for flights on Thursday afternoon.
“Do you want to go earlier?”
“Will they let me?”
“I’ll go and talk to them with you.”
Micah was so grateful he turned and gave Sam a full bear hug. And all of a sudden the warmth of Sam’s body fired his libido, and he would have given anything to kiss Sam and be kissed back. And more. He knew it was just a cliché—the glad to be alive fuck, but he wanted it.
It wasn’t that he was attracted to Sam. Sure, he was a good-looking guy, but in Micah’s mind he was an older brother, and he didn’t want anything sexual from him. It was that reminder of that warmth, that closeness, that desire to be held and comforted. He wanted that. And then he was reminded that he had still never spoken to Kyle since that disastrous weekend. Life was short, or at least, full of fucked things. He really shouldn’t contribute to that, as he knew Kyle would most likely be hating the way things had ended between them.
He pulled away from Sam and wiped his eyes. “Thanks.”
“No worries. I’ll go call the bosses.”
As Sam left, Micah dug his phone out of his bag and activated Grindr.
WHILE SAM was working on Micah’s behalf to arrange an earlier flight to Perth, Micah was fucking a twenty-year-old business student. Not that Micah really cared who he was; he couldn’t even remember if he’d said his name was Todd or Tom, but the guy was chatty. Afterwards, as Micah was dressing, his phone began to ring and Sam’s face popped up on the screen. Micah shoved it into his pocket as the other guy lounged back on the bed, trying to look inviting.
“Want to stay a bit longer?” he asked.
Micah shook his head. “Sorry. Got things to do.”
“But you could be doing things here.”
“Yeah, but it’s not those kind of things I need to be doing.”
“Do you want to see each other again?” Todd, or Tom, asked.
“Sure. I’ll see you around on the app.”
Micah, of course, was lying. The guy would be deleted as soon as he next activated it.
When he got back in his car, the self-recriminations began. More so, this time. Generally he just felt seedy for hooking up anonymously, even though it briefly fulfilled his need for a human touch. But two guys in less than twenty-four hours? And all while Will Deanes, a kid not unlike himself, was thinking his life was over as he knew it?
And how did Micah react? He went out to fuck somebody. Oh, he could pretty it up by saying it was because he needed solace, to lie in someone’s arms, but Tom or Todd had been happy to cuddle afterwards and Micah had brutally rebuffed him.
What the fuck was wrong with him?
His phone rang again, and Micah answered it this time. He told Sam he’d needed to go for a run to clear his head, and once again Sam readily accepted and believed it. After all, he had no reason to suspect Micah was lying to him. Dane probably would have known, though, or so Micah thought he did. That was another conversation waiting to be had.
Meanwhile Sam had been doing exactly what he said he would. Micah would miss a couple of nights training and leave for Melbourne on Wednesday.
Everyone did their best for him, and he was floundering. Even worse than he was last year.
Micah started the car, and refused to think about it for at least the next hour.
BUT ONCE he got back home and showered, he remembered
that Dec had also tried to get hold of him and would probably want to make sure he was okay. As if Dec didn’t have enough people in his life to worry about. Micah fired up his laptop and activated FaceTime.
Declan appeared on the screen, and Micah’s breath caught in his throat when he observed how shattered he looked.
“You heard,” Dec said, without preamble.
“Emma told me.”
“Of course.”
“Her network, you know? She’s not even in Melbourne and she probably knew before the ambulance service did.”
He wanted to see Dec crack a smile, even if it was false. But Dec barely registered what he said. He rubbed at his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Are you okay?” Micah asked.
“Not really.” And that was when Dec smiled, a false grin meant to put Micah at ease by undercutting what he was saying, but it was unsuccessful. “I guess I just didn’t think when I started GetOut that these kinds of things could happen. Not to kids in the program. And I was meant to be at that game. To show Will some support. But I didn’t make it in the end. Too much work I thought I had to catch up on.”
“It’s not your fault,” Micah said, unable to believe that Dec was blaming himself for weather and the state of the roads. “There’s nothing you could have done.”
Arms wrapped around Dec from behind, and Simon bent into frame. “Hi, Micah.”
“Hey, Simon.”
Simon nuzzled into Dec’s neck and kissed it tenderly. Dec closed his eyes for a moment, but they flew open when his phone began ringing. He looked down at it and said, “I’ve got to take this.”
“Let me talk to Micah,” Simon said. As Dec got up, Simon squeezed his arm, saying a million things wordlessly in that touch. Micah thought how much more something like that would have meant to him, had it been available, rather than some guilt-causing sex with Tom or Todd.
Simon sat down and stared back at him. “How are things with you?”
“Fine.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, I’ve got nothing to worry about, do I? Unlike Will.”
“I’m sure you’ve got plenty to worry about,” Simon said. “Unfortunately, the world doesn’t stop for everyone else when something bad happens to another person.”
“No, I guess not.”
“So, tell me, then, how are you?”
But Micah ignored the gentle probe, and asked, “You and Dec have probably already been to see Will, yeah?”
Simon nodded.
“And?”
Simon scratched at his arm, uncomfortable.
“Simon!”
He looked up. “Sorry. It was… hard. Seeing him like that. He’s all trussed up in something like a sling, although a really high tech sling. And he has all these tubes in him still from the operation.”
Micah winced.
“Plus, it’s not the only operation he’ll have. It’s going to be a long recovery in hospital, and an even longer rehabilitation.”
“When will they know if he can walk again?”
“They can’t tell just yet. Probably once he starts trying rehab. And who knows, even then. The swelling will take a while to go down, to begin with.”
Micah sniffed, holding back his tears. This was not right. The boy Micah had known should not be in hospital wondering if he would be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He was plagued by thoughts of Will as he had known him on the field; knowing everything he knew about him now, Micah guessed it was truly the only time he felt happy. And Micah could relate. When he had been in the same dark place, football had been his refuge. “And his dad really wasn’t there?”
He saw genuine disgust cross Simon’s face. “No. He’s been told, but he hasn’t shown up.”
“Prick.”
“You can say that again.”
“Prick.”
Simon gave a tired smile. “What night are you getting in for the game?”
“I’m actually coming earlier. I should be in Wednesday night.”
“Wednesday?”
“Yeah. I want to see Will.”
“That’s good of you, Micah.”
“Yeah, I’m a fucking saint.”
Dec appeared on screen, making Simon scoot over to share the chair with him. “That was Will’s coach.”
“Any news?” Simon asked.
“Not really. Just checking in.”
“Micah’s getting in on Wednesday,” Simon told him.
“Oh?” Dec looked at Micah through the screen. “That’s great. Emma will be here by then too.”
“The chicks are returning to the nest,” Simon said, trying to sound brighter than they all felt.
“I can’t believe this is the reason why.”
Simon hugged Dec, and Micah watched Dec allow himself to be swallowed up in a much needed expression of love. He felt he was intruding, and said his good-byes.
Closing his laptop, he sat in the darkness for a while before finally getting up and going to bed.
Chapter 11
MICAH LANDED in Melbourne late Wednesday night and had a sombre dinner with his family before going straight to bed. He really didn’t want to have them looking at him sadly and wondering if he was going to crack over Will’s current state. They remembered Will, of course, and had always been unhappy about what had happened with his father. They didn’t always used to feel so generous to Will, when they had known he and Micah had trouble. But they had felt if their son was mature enough to go on to a civil relationship with Will, then they should as well. They now saw him as a kid who had been getting his life together and always seemed to have it made harder for him.
And now he didn’t even have the support of his father.
The next morning Micah woke up late, cursing his phone and the fact he had been so tired he had forgotten to set the alarm on it. He had the briefest of showers and ran into the kitchen still half-wet with his clothes sticking to him.
“Why didn’t anybody wake me?” he demanded.
His dad and Alex stared at him.
“I thought you were already up,” Rick said.
Alex finished his mouthful of cereal. “So did I.”
Had they already forgotten what it was like to have him as part of their home? Micah couldn’t dwell on it; he snapped his fingers at his father. “Keys.”
“I thought you were catching the tram?”
“I’m meant to be meeting Emma at nine, and I need to catch a tram and a train to get to the hospital. So I need the car now. Please. I know you’re working from home today!”
Rick dug into his pockets and produced the set. “Hey, try not to stress too much, mate.”
“Yeah, that’ll happen.” Micah fumbled around on the chain for the lock fob. “I don’t know what I’m going to say to him.”
“You don’t have to say too much. He’ll probably just be glad you’re there for support.”
“Some support,” Micah mumbled.
“It is,” his father stressed to him. “You’ve taken time out of your training, which I know isn’t easy—”
“That was actually the easiest part.” Even though Sam had been the one to arrange it for him. Micah hadn’t had to do anything except get his rocks off with some stranger for his own gratification. He wondered what his dad would say if he told him.
“Well, whatever, it’s a good thing you’re doing.”
“It’s the proper thing to be doing,” Alex nodded.
Micah didn’t want to admit that if he could, he’d run away and avoid seeing Will. He felt completely adrift. Emma would probably know all the right things to say, and would just be a ray of light in the hospital ward with her mere presence, while Micah would be the sullen cloud and about as useful as a brushed potato in the scheme of things.
“Gotta go,” he said. “Thanks.”
He wished it would take him far longer to get to the Austin than it actually did.
EMMA WAS in the main waiting area on the first floor, and she rushed towards him as
soon as he entered.
She looked leaner than the last time he had seen her—but he guessed he did too. Their physical activity had kicked up a fair few notches since they went to their respective professional postings, and it was showing. But her face was pinched and blotchy, and Micah was touched by her blindingly obvious devastation at the news about Will.
It made him feel guilty for not being as open about it. Did she think he was maybe unfeeling, and that this hadn’t really affected him? No, Emma wouldn’t be that shallow.
“Sorry I’m late,” he said. “My bloody alarm. I had to steal my dad’s car in order to get here.” At her look of alarm, he gave a weak smile. “Exaggeration. He gave permission.”
“It’s okay,” she replied, her tone nervy. “Visiting hours didn’t start that long ago. How are you?”
“I hate that question. Especially now. What kind of response can I give?”
“I know. I hate it too. I can’t believe I asked it.”
“But how are you?” Micah asked before he could stop himself.
They both laughed, and stopped almost immediately as if ashamed they could find anything amusing at this very moment.
“I feel like shit,” Emma said, finally.
“Me too. Are you ready?” he asked.
She readjusted her bag on her shoulder, composing herself. “I guess so. He’s in Ward 54. I already checked.”
They made their way in silence to the lifts, and didn’t break it as they rode to the fifth floor. They waited for an orderly with a trolley to disembark before they followed him out.
“Simon and Dec have already seen him,” Emma finally said.
“Yeah, they told me the other night. Simon said it was pretty horrible.”
“So we should prepare ourselves.”
“I don’t think we can,” Micah said. “It’s going to be a shock, no matter what.”
At the nurses’ station they confirmed Will’s room number. It was the next one down from the hub, which meant he truly was in a serious condition if he was so close at hand. The door was closed, and they stood outside it hesitantly.