Strictly My Husband: It's funny, it's romantic and it's got dancing - what's not to love!

by Tracy Bloom

  Crisis averted.

  Chapter Five

  Laura

  ‘I’m very disappointed to find you here,’ Laura said, peering around the plywood door.

  Hannah looked up from the computer in surprise, and took off her glasses. ‘I needed to get some paperwork done,’ she replied with a shrug.

  ‘But it’s Saturday,’ stated Laura. ‘What are you doing at work on a Saturday? And where’s Jerry? Is he here working as well?’ She cast her eye around the empty office of Camberwells Construction Ltd.

  ‘No, Jerry is grouse shooting,’ replied Hannah.

  ‘Grouse shooting?’

  ‘Yes,’ she sighed. ‘I told him not to go. I can’t stand the thought of all those poor birds dropping out of the sky but you know what he’s like. John Pinkerton invited him. You know, the one we built that two-million-pound home for in Chesterton. He can’t resist hanging out with that crowd even if it is a bloodbath they’re going to.’

  ‘Has he ever been grouse shooting before?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Does he own a gun?’

  ‘He does now. He went out and bought three, last week.’

  ‘May I borrow one?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Well, for a start he’s not allowed to tell me where the key to the gun safe is.’

  ‘Who says?’

  ‘The police.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘In case I decide I want to kill him. Apparently they specifically state that a husband should not allow a wife access to a gun.’

  ‘Very sensible.’

  ‘I agree,’ replied Hannah. ‘Having said that, Jerry can’t be trusted to hide anything and not immediately forget where, so he’s put the gun safe keys on a hook next to the corkscrew. What do you need a gun for anyway?’

  ‘To shoot Tom with, of course,’ said Laura, walking over and sitting down on the office chair next to Hannah.

  ‘Oh, that bad eh? I sent him up to see if you were all right – I could tell you were upset. What did he say?’

  ‘Well, for a start, he walked straight past me and went to the toilet.’

  ‘Euurgh, gross.’

  ‘And he didn’t lift the seat.’

  ‘Grosser still.’

  ‘Then he apologised for not asking me first if it was all right for Carly to stay.’

  ‘Good,’ replied Hannah, nodding.

  ‘And that was it,’ said Laura.

  ‘Right,’ said Hannah.

  ‘So what do I do?’

  ‘About what exactly?’

  ‘About Natalie.’ Laura looked at Hannah expectantly. Hannah was her voice of calm, her voice of reason, who somehow managed to cope with the extremes of Jerry’s personality and still stay married. Hannah would tell her what to do.

  ‘What do you mean, Natalie?’ asked Hannah, looking very confused.

  ‘Natalie, living in my house. What do I do about her?’

  ‘Erm . . .’ Hannah hesitated, leaning forward and putting her hand on her friend’s knee. ‘Natalie isn’t living in your house,’ she said quietly. ‘Carly is.’

  Laura’s hand flew up to her mouth in shock. She had no idea she’d said Natalie. Why had she said Natalie?

  ‘Is that why all this is bothering you so much?’ asked Hannah. ‘You think that Carly is Natalie.’

  ‘Noooo,’ cried Laura. ‘Of course not. Because that would make me some seriously screwed-up psycho bitch, wouldn’t it?’

  Hannah nodded. ‘Possibly.’

  Laura paused, studying Hannah’s face.

  ‘But she does remind you a lot of Natalie, doesn’t she?’ she blurted out, unable to stop herself.

  ‘No,’ replied Hannah.

  ‘Really?’ cried Laura. ‘But she’s young and blonde and beautiful and she can sing and she can dance and she’s everything that Natalie was and everything that Tom was totally in love with and engaged to.’

  ‘OK,’ said Hannah calmly. ‘Let’s just take a breath, shall we?’

  ‘OK,’ gasped Laura, trying to control her breathing.

  ‘They were twenty-one,’ Hannah continued. ‘It was eleven years ago. She left him for an extra on Coronation Street.’

  ‘He was devastated,’ breathed Laura.

  ‘I know,’ said Hannah. ‘And who got him through it?’

  ‘You never saw him at his worst.’ Laura was close to tears now. ‘You never had to sit there with your arm around him whilst he sobbed his heart out and told you that he’d never find another woman like Natalie,’ she spat out.

  ‘But he did, didn’t he?’

  ‘No he didn’t,’ replied Laura. ‘He didn’t find another woman like her. He settled for me, his buddy, his mate, his best girl friend, the one he felt comfortable with, the one he could have a laugh with, the one who made him feel better when the love of his life walked out on him.’

  ‘Now you’re just being dramatic,’ said Hannah.

  ‘Dramatic!’

  ‘And stupid.’

  ‘No I’m not,’ said Laura, shaking her head. ‘I always knew this would happen. Always. That one day someone more exciting would appear. A dancer or an actress or something. Someone in his profession. And then I’d be history. Who wants to be married to a market research analyst when you can have Britney bloody Spears?’

  ‘He loves you, Laura,’ said Hannah.

  ‘Hah, that’s what you think. But it’s statistically irrelevant.’

  ‘Please don’t start giving me your statistics mumbo jumbo now. This is life we are talking about, not maths.’

  ‘No,’ stated Laura. ‘Think about it. One hundred per cent of people say they are in love when they get married, right? Therefore love is not an indicator of whether a marriage survives. In theory everyone is in love on day one so there must be other factors that impact on whether a couple splits up or not. And do you want to know what one of the most significant factors is?’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘Occupation,’ said Laura. ‘The stats clearly show that some professions are more likely to have a marriage end in divorce than others and guess which occupations are right at the top of the list?’

  ‘Oh, please tell me,’ replied Hannah.

  ‘Dancers, singers, actors, entertainers, that’s who. I totally married into the wrong profession. I should have married an engineer. Only 0.02 per cent of engineers ever get a divorce.’

  ‘But Tom isn’t an engineer,’ Hannah said.

  ‘Precisely,’ answered Laura. ‘That’s what I’ve been saying. I’ve always known he was in a high-risk category and, with his track record, we are doomed.’

  ‘What track record?’

  ‘Of being in love with Natalie.’

  Hannah looked back at her blankly.

  ‘Who was a dancer,’ said Laura, starting to feel slightly frustrated with her friend. ‘We already know he really likes dancers. I struggle to get the Macarena right.’

  ‘Have you got a headache?’ asked Hannah.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well, you’re giving me one.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Laura, dropping her head. ‘I just have a really bad feeling about Nat— I mean Carly.’

  ‘So you are assuming that just because there is a blonde performer who’s kind of attractive, if you like that type of thing, living under your roof that your husband is automatically going to fall for her.’

  ‘Yes. And don’t forget he works in a high-risk occupation, like I said before.’

  Hannah nodded silently. ‘I think you’re forgetting something actually,’ she said.

  ‘What?’ gasped Laura. She didn’t think she could have forgotten anything; it had been spinning round and round in her head all night as she lay awake reliving the last few hours. From the carefree smile plastered all over his face when she first opened the door and found them swaying gently on their doorstep, to the way he’d held her as they demonstrated an effortless cha-cha-cha. A very far cry from her desperate
attempts to be an equal match during their clunky late-night tango efforts. Carly was gently tugging at his heart strings and she didn’t feel as though she had a firm enough grip to hold on to him.

  To be honest she’d always thought her grip was shaky. It was total chance they’d been thrown together at Wonderland when Laura had joined during her holidays from university. He was by far the best-looking bloke there and she couldn’t believe her luck when she was assigned to protect him from over-excited kids when he strolled round the park dressed as Wonderbear, the theme-park mascot. He was a brilliant Wonderbear. He truly made the costume come to life with his animated nodding, pausing, stretching, jumping and listening, but it was a real shame to cover up such a handsome face, she thought. During breaks he would share his dreams of making it to the West End. He wanted to be a stage actor, he told her. That’s all he’d ever wanted. He seemed so exciting to her, so driven, so talented, so different to her and her love of facts and figures and her ambition to get her maths degree with no clue as to what she would actually do with it.

  He often talked about his girlfriend, Natalie, the lead singer/dancer in all the park’s entertainment productions. They were the Posh and Becks of Wonderland, their perfect looks and talent glowing out of them whenever they were together. Laura wasn’t jealous as such, she was just happy to be friends with Tom. She knew he was out of her league so friends was a massive bonus.

  When Tom and Natalie got engaged, however, she did feel weird. She’d tried to look delighted when – giddy with excitement – he had shared his news with her. And she’d nodded politely, despite the fact she felt a bit sick, when he admitted they were too young but they both knew they would get married eventually, so why wait?

  Then one day he didn’t turn up. Laura was asked to be Wonderbear whilst Shirley from reception looked after her. Shirley failed to stop a toddler kicking her in the shins, leaving Laura praying for Tom’s return the next day. But he didn’t come back for three days, leaving Laura battered and bruised by the tiny terrorists running around park. He looked deathly when he eventually walked into the Costume Department, five o’clock shadow almost destroying his glamorous looks.

  ‘What’s happened?’ she asked. His face immediately crumpled and he fell into her arms sobbing. They sat there for an hour on a bench shielded from the rest of the world by a five-foot-high polystyrene penguin patiently waiting for the Santa Spectacular to come around again in a few months’ time. He poured out a sorry tale of a phone call from Natalie to say she was in Blackpool having taken a role at the Top of the Tower Show. She thought they should call their engagement off, as she didn’t think she could cope with a long-distance relationship. He’d begged to go and see her, to sort it out and despite the fact she’d said no, he’d got on a train to go and find her and ask her to reconsider. He’d found her in a bedsit shacked up with Bobby who spent all day every day supping pints in the Rovers on the set of Coronation Street. She’d met him at an audition for extras in Hollyoaks five months ago. Tom had come back to Wonderland devastated, only to discover the rumour mill had already kicked into action that they’d split up, at which point both Captain Bill and Fisherman Ted from the Party Pirate Show confessed they’d been shagging her all along and he was well shot of her.

  Laura patiently listened to his outpouring, saying sympathetic words when required whilst inside thinking what an utter bitch and how could she possibly do that to someone as wonderful as Tom. It didn’t cross her mind once then that it left him wide open for her to move in. He was premiership and she was possibly, on a good day, league one.

  ‘What have I forgotten?’ Laura asked Hannah. ‘Tell me what else could make it even more inevitable that Tom will fall for Carly?’

  Hannah looked away; then she returned her gaze to Laura. ‘He’s a man.’

  ‘Jesus,’ breathed Laura. ‘I’m totally screwed.’

  ‘Talk to him,’ advised Hannah.

  ‘What do I say?’ moaned Laura. ‘I’d like the cheerleader to move out of my house because she’s too damned beautiful and she looks a bit like your ex-fiancée and I can’t hack it. How would that sound?’

  ‘Totally paranoid and extremely insecure.’

  ‘Precisely.’

  ‘You know the problem with being totally paranoid and completely insecure?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You can’t do anything about it.’

  ‘Excellent, Hannah. Really, really helpful.’

  ‘You’re welcome. Look, Tom isn’t like that. He’s married to you. Just don’t make her feel too welcome. She’s only stopping for a month, isn’t she? She can’t do that much harm in a month, surely?’

  ‘I keep having vivid nightmares that I’ll come home and they’ll be doing the paso doble all over the kitchen table.’

  ‘Like I said, not a lot you can do about paranoia and insecurity,’ replied Hannah, looking up at the clock on the wall.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ said Laura, getting up. ‘I’m distracting you from your work. It’s bad enough being in work on a Saturday without me coming in and pestering you.’

  ‘It’s OK.’ Hannah smiled. ‘I . . .’ But she didn’t get the chance to continue as the office door opened and someone shouted a cheery ‘hello’.

  ‘Will!’ cried Laura when he came into view. ‘Jerry hasn’t got you working on a Saturday as well, has he?’

  ‘We’re going through the electricians’ wages spreadsheet,’ interrupted Hannah, throwing a resigned smile in Will’s direction. ‘It’s easier to do when no one’s around and we don’t get interrupted.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Laura. ‘Well, I’d better get out of your way then or else I’ll be interrupting you.’

  ‘No, no,’ said Hannah, waving at Laura to sit down again.

  ‘No, it’s fine,’ added Will easily.

  ‘No, I’ll let you get on,’ Laura said, grabbing her bag. ‘I should be off anyway. I’ve bent your ear for long enough. Hannah and I were just catching up about last night,’ she told Will.

  ‘What about last night?’ he asked, sitting down at his desk next to Hannah’s.

  ‘Well,’ Laura began, wondering what to share. ‘It was different, wasn’t it? Having an added guest at our usual Friday-night gathering.’

  Will shrugged his shoulders. He was a functional speaker. He mostly used words to make useful things happen, not to express emotions or – heaven forbid – for idle tittle-tattle.

  ‘What did you think of Carly?’ she asked when he made no further comment.

  Will looked at her in confusion as if it was ridiculous to be asking his opinion on such a thing.

  ‘She was all right, I suppose,’ he said eventually, ‘if you like that sort of thing.’

  Laura nodded, her brow furrowed as though he had imparted some strange wisdom. ‘So you didn’t like her?’ she pressed.

  ‘No, I didn’t say that,’ said Will. He glanced at Hannah as if seeking guidance. But Hannah chose to make matters worse.

  ‘So you do like her then?’ she asked.

  ‘No, no,’ replied Will, looking trapped as he glanced between both women. ‘She seemed perfectly nice but . . . but . . . not really my cup of tea. You know, a bit young and, er, too dancey for me.’

  ‘You see,’ said Laura to Hannah. ‘Should have married an electrician.’

  Chapter Six

  Hannah

  ‘Coffee?’ Hannah asked Will a few minutes later when Laura had finally gone.

  ‘Sure.’ He looked away, tapping into his computer.

  ‘Sorry about the inquisition,’ said Hannah. ‘It’s just that Laura has got herself into a bit of a tizz about Carly. Thinks Tom’s going to end up running off with her or something. I was trying to get her to see that just because she’s a dancer that doesn’t mean all men will instantly fall at her feet.’

  ‘Fine.’ He shrugged, without looking at her.

  Hannah studied his stony face. She was worried they may have upset him somehow. Will wasn’t really one for dis
playing his emotions so when he did you knew it was serious.

  ‘I didn’t mean to embarrass you,’ she continued. ‘Who you might or might not be attracted to is really none of my business.’

  ‘It’s fine, seriously,’ he replied, turning to look at her.

  He didn’t look fine. He looked troubled. He looked like he was about to say something. She waited. Perhaps he needed to get something off his chest.

  ‘There is s . . . someone,’ he finally stuttered.

  ‘Well, that’s brilliant,’ said Hannah, feeling relieved. To be honest they’d all been wondering about him. He didn’t seem to have had a girlfriend for ages. ‘Why didn’t you say? But you don’t have to tell me. I understand if you want to keep her to yourself.’

  ‘But it’s never going to happen,’ he continued, shaking his head and looking away.

  ‘Why?’ Hannah asked. Will was a good-looking, likable man. She’d never understood why someone hadn’t snapped him up long ago.

  He swallowed hard. ‘It just won’t,’ he said.

  ‘Have you said anything to her?’ she asked, puzzled.

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘But you should. Have some confidence. What have you got to lose?’

  Will didn’t say anything, just stared back at her. Clearly whatever he was thinking he felt he couldn’t share with her.

  ‘Just tell her,’ she urged. ‘Go on, go home and give her a call or text her or whatever you do these days. But not until we’ve sorted this spreadsheet, mind. You don’t get off that easily.’

  He gave her one last lingering look and then laughed. She was relieved to see his troubled expression disappear. Whoever this girl was she must be something special.

  Chapter Seven

  Laura

  ‘Are you coming? It’s starting,’ Laura bellowed from her seat on the sofa in the lounge. She caught sight of the pink carnations on the mantelpiece that Tom had greeted her with after she’d been to see Hannah that morning. She sighed and for the first time since last night’s arrival she felt herself relax.

  ‘I should have rung and asked you first,’ he’d said, thrusting the flowers into her hand. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  Carnations were her least favourite flower but she knew it was the thought that counted.