by NB Baker
“I’m so beyond ready to go.”
She comes over and sits down on the bed and pats the spot next to her. I sit down next to her, and she takes my hand in hers. “Sarah, I want you to know how proud of you I am.”
I’m bewildered by what she said. “What do you mean?”
Doris lets out a small chuckle. “Oh, Sweetie. First of all, you need to know that you’re a very easy person to be proud of. But I’ll explain myself a bit. When you came in here, it was under horrendous circumstances. Taking that into consideration, I think the process that you went through was normal. You were very hard on yourself and those around you. Now, I know that you’ve taken care of a lot. Your friends that seems to be going quite well. Then there’s the death of your dad. From everything I’ve gathered from our numerous talks, you seem to have found inner peace about that situation. There’s still one major issue that needs to be resolved before your world will be right again.”
I take a deep breath. “There sure is, that’s my one and only priority.”
“Well, you need to remember to make yourself a priority also. But I’ve got to tell you, that deep in my gut, I’m confident that everything’s going to turn out amazing for you.”
I hope she’s right. “Doris, why do you think that?”
She doesn’t answer my question, only stands up pulling the wheel chair toward me and motions for me to get in. “Your chariot awaits.”
I roll my eyes about being taken out in a wheelchair, but I want out of here so bad that I get into it willingly. I take one look around the room before she pushes me out. “I won’t miss this place that’s for sure. I will miss you though, Doris.”
“Oh, I’ll miss you too, Sweetie.”
I turn around and look at her. “Doris, don’t think I didn’t notice that you didn’t answer my question.”
She smiles at me. “I just know, call it intuition.”
“Well, I hope your intuition is spot on.”
We make our way through the dull hallways of the hospital, then we stop at a small waiting room. It’s tucked away; if you didn’t know it was there, you’d walk right past it.
Doris stops right in front of the doorway to the small room. “Sarah. I think I have, to be honest about something with you.”
“What do you mean. “You think?”
“I was asked to keep something from you. The way I see the situation, if I keep the secret, I would be doing you a great injustice. If I tell the secret, then I’m breaking a promise that I made. I’m between a rock and a hard place.”
What could she possibly be keeping from me? I think about the conversations we’ve had and can’t come up with anything. “What’s going on?”
Doris takes a deep breath. “You see that couch right there?”
There’s a small gray couch pushed up against the wall that looks like it was made for a child. That’s all there is in this room beside a small plastic coffee table. “Yeah.”
“Except for one, he was right there on that couch every single night. He said it was just in case you needed him. We told him that if anything happened that we would call him, but he refused to leave. There were times that I would sneak him into your room and he would sit with you while you slept.”
Tears instantly start streaming down my face and don’t stop as I process what she just said. Now it’s just not my determination, hopes and dreams that fuels me. The fact the things will be alright with us is more real than I ever thought possible. Is it possible that my dreams that I had about Justin weren’t dreams at all? Was it him there in my room, telling me that we were going to make it through this? My entire being overflows with hope. It overflows to the point that the old me would have considered it dangerous, but the new me is going to take it and run. I’m going to hold onto this with my entire heart and soul.
Doris wraps her arms around me and is crying too. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m also sorry I didn’t keep my promise to Justin. I hope you both will forgive me.”
I start to laugh through my tears. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re a life saver. Thank you so much.”
Doris lets go of me. “I’m so happy to hear that. When you see Justin, please, tell him that I’m sorry. I’m convinced that you two would eventually find your way back to each other on your own.” She pauses for a moment. “I just couldn’t take any kind of a chance that something might interfere and keep you two apart.”
Doris wipes her tears away and gets behind my wheel chair to start pushing me again. “Well, I know that you have things to do, so we’d better hurry up and get you on your way.”
We continue down the hallways of the hospital. I’m filled with so much hope, excitement, anticipation, and nerves that I want to crawl out of my own skin. All I want to do is get the hell out of here and find Justin. I think even if I were in an Indie 500 race car I wouldn’t be going fast enough. My heart is beating to the point that it feels like it could jump right out of my chest. With what Doris just told me, I have to find Justin right now.
We finally reach a room with glass windows that go from the floor clear to the ceiling. The sun is shining so bright, I have to close my eyes for a bit. I see Leila and Amie standing outside. They are smiling and waving like a couple of crazies. Once the doors slide open, they come running up the sidewalk like they haven’t seen me in years.
Doris stops pushing me and holds up her hands. “Easy ladies, she’s still a little fragile.”
Once they reach me, Amie has an odd look on her face. “I thought you said that you were healed up.”
That’s when I hear Oscar. “Even if she were, the two of you are charging her like a couple of fucking water buffalo.”
Leila calls out over her shoulder. “Oscar, shut the hell up! And did you really just compare us to a couple of water buffalo? Seriously? Ass!”
Doris and I both bust out laughing. Then I instantly start to cry when I see Oscar step out from behind a vehicle carrying a huge bouquet of wild flowers.
I give Doris a questioning look, as to ask if it’s okay for me to get up.
“You’re a free woman.”
When I stand up, I’m swarmed by everyone. There are hugs, laughter, and even a tear or two. Oscar got upset when Leila caught him with a tear in his eyes and announced it to everyone.
“Come on, hen, we've got to go.” He takes my bag from me, then hands me the flowers. He tries to act pissed off as he starts walking away.
“Come on, Oscar! Don’t be like that. All men cry, it’s okay,” I yell at him.
Leila and Amie wrap their arms around me, and we start to follow Oscar. I turn around and see Doris still standing there watching us. I tell the girls that I’ll be right back, then rush to Doris. I wrap my arms around her, giving her a huge hug. “Thanks for everything, Doris. I could never thank you enough.”
“Oh, dear. There’s nothing to thank me for. It’s been my honor to get to know you. I’m always here for you if you ever need me.”
Before I walk away, I give her one more squeeze. “Thank you.”
I catch back up with the girls, and they once again wrap their arms around me, leading me to the cutest little red car. “Whose car is this?”
Both of them giggle. “What? Whose car is this?”
Amie opens the front door and motions for me to get in the front seat. She and Leila get into the back. “So Oscar, Sarah wants to know whose car this is.”
They both lean up and rest their chins on the backs of Oscar and I’s seats. Amie is smiling like a goon. “So, Oscar you want to tell her or shall we?”
“Geez, you guys! I’m trying to drive here.” Oscar pulls out his wallet to pay the parking attendant. He’s acting like its way more difficult than it is.
At the same time, Leila and Amie yell. “Stop stalling!”
“Come on, guys. I don’t understand what the big deal is about whose car this is.”
Oscar starts laughing. “It’s yours, Sarah.”
“What? Wait, what do you m
ean it’s mine?”
Leila squeals with excitement. “It’s yours. All yours! We wanted you to have your own set of wheels. You can go and do whatever you want when you want.”
I’m in total disbelief, to say the least. “How did you guys do this? It’s too much!”
Leila doesn’t give anyone a chance to answer. “Oh! We were just the brains behind the plan. It was awesome. We had a fund raiser at Delish. You would not even begin to believe how a few free beers make the wallets just pop open. It’s like fucking magic.! We were able the raise a shit ton of money and this is what we got you.”
Amie chimes in. “Okay, to be fair, it was all Oscar’s idea. He wants to make sure you’re safe.”
She reaches over and pinches his cheek. “You’re just a big old softie! Aren’t ya?”
Oscar swats her hand away like it’s some kind of annoying bug and then starts laughing. “No one, and I mean no one, lets anyone outside this vehicle know that!” He slides down in his seat and turns his baseball cap, so the bill is sideways. His face is serious as hell, he calmly says, “I got to keep up the illusion that I’m a legit bad ass. Ya know, rolling with my bitches in my pimp ass ride.”
We all start laughing until we have tears in our eyes, then Amie lets out the loudest snort that I’ve ever heard in my life. Which only makes us laugh even harder.
It takes quite a while for everyone to stop laughing enough to actually be able to speak. Once I’ve finally collected myself. “Guys. I have to be serious for a minute. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate this. Not just the car. Don’t get me wrong, this car is over the fucking the moon amaze-balls. But this right here, us together, laughing to the point of tears with awesome friends. This means the world to me, this is living. I love you all so much and am blessed to have you in my life.”
My new found freedom from the past makes me high on life. I can't even begin to imagine what it’s going to feel like if Justin and I do work everything out. I swear, it will be heaven on Earth. I no longer carry the baggage of the past with me. No matter what good things were happening in my life at the time, those demons of the past were tucked away somewhere in my head. Just squatting there waiting to invade and destroy me.
He’s already given me an amazing glimpse of what life is supposed to be like. It was fucking incredible. Now, our lives together would know no boundaries.
Oscar pulls into a parking spot at Delish and turns the car off. With a big smile on his face he tosses me the keys. “Here you go, kiddo.”
I clutch the keys to my chest. “Hey, guys, there's something I need to talk to you about. Something that Doris told me before I left.”
I look down at the keys in my hand trying to focus on them so that I don’t start to cry. “I guess that every night, except for one, Justin slept on a couch and in a small waiting room at the hospital. Doris allowed him to come into my room late at night while I was sleeping. I had dreams, well what I thought they were dreams. He would tell me that we were going to be alright between us. I have to find him, he’s my world. He brings out everything that is good in me. No matter how it turns out, at least I know I tried. That I didn’t give up. I've learned that I need to stop being a sniveling bitch and fucking live my life. That I shouldn’t worry or reminisce about my past. The past is just that, the past. There’s nothing that I can do to change it. Tomorrow's the future, and my future is with him. If life has taught me anything, it’s that tomorrow is never guaranteed.”
When I look up, they’re all just staring at me for the longest time. Nobody says anything. I look between everyone to try to read what they’re thinking. That’s when I see that Amie has tears slowly rolling down her cheeks, Leila’s bottom lip is quivering, and Oscar starts nodding his head yes.
Finally, Oscar breaks the awkward silence. “Fuck yeah! Go get him!”
I get out and walk around to the driver’s side and climb in. Adjusting the seat and the mirrors before I start the engine. I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and see that I look like total shit. I try to smooth out my unruly curls. The key word is try. All they do is spring right back out of control. Grabbing my bag out of the back seat, I dig through until I find a hair band to pull my hair up in a ponytail. I know that Justin doesn’t give a damn what I look like, so I don’t know why I’m concerned about it. Oh, wait. I know why. I’m procrastinating. I know that I want to do this. I know that I have to do this, but I’m scared to death right now. What if… no! No more, what ifs! I am in control of my destiny.
I take a deep breath and start on the journey of my life. Alright, Sarah, it’s time to make this right. It doesn’t bother me that the streets are eerily empty. My mind’s completely distracted, swimming with different ideas of what I should say. I know that no matter how many times I play things out in my head it will never go the same way. I’m sorry doesn’t seem to be a strong enough word to even begin to describe how I feel. I need to tell him that he’s everything to me. That my world begins and ends with him. I will do anything for his forgiveness. I’d walk through the bowels of hell, straight up to the devil himself with a smile if I have to.
Anxiety builds throughout my body as I pull up in front of Justin’s house. My stomachs in knots, the palms of my hands are sweaty, and my mouth feels like the fucking Sahara Desert. I notice that his truck isn’t parked in the drive but I’m still hopeful he’s home. When I look at the house, I can’t help but smile. Even though I’m scared fucking shitless, it feels like I’m home. I slowly make my way up the sidewalk, taking deep breaths, trying to keep myself calm. No matter how this goes, I know that I have done what my heart needs me to do.
I’m so focused that I don’t even notice Darla and Bruce playing on the porch until I’m halfway up the walk. There’s no question when they see me. Bruce sees me first and starts running toward, me barking as he goes.
Darla looks around to see what’s going on. When she sees that I’m the reason that Bruce is going bat shit crazy, she jumps to her feet, and starts running toward me.
“Ms. Sarah!” She screams with excitement.
I get down on my knees, with my arms wide open. I didn’t realize how much I missed these two. I wrap my arms around Darla, giving her a great big hug. Bruce is snorting and trying to lick my face.
I can feel Darla start jumping up-and-down in my arms. “Ms. Sarah, you’re back! Where did you go?”
I lean back so that I can see here adorable face. Brushing her brown hair away from her face, I tuck it behind her ear. “Well, sweetheart, I got hurt, and I've been in the hospital.”
“Oh no! Are you okay?”
Her face shows concern, so I give her a big smile. “Yes, I'm fine now. In fact, I'm better than ever!”
Bruce refuses to be ignored any longer and starts barking at us. I reach down and pull him into my arms. “Yes. I said that I missed you too, ya big lug.”
His tongue hangs out and his butt wiggles as I scratch behind his ears.
“Hey, any chance you know if Justin’s home.”
“No. I haven't seen him for a couple days. Grandma and I have been babysitting Bruce a lot lately.”
“Do you know where he is?”
“Nope. He doesn’t say.”
The disappointment I instantly feel must show on my face. Darla pats my shoulder “It's okay, Miss. Sarah, he'll be back you know he’d never leave his girls.”
“Oh Darla, from your lips to Gods ears.”
I set Bruce down onto the ground, he whines and goes to sit by Darla. “I’ve got to get going.”
Darla gives me a great big hug. “I’ll see you again soon, right, Ms. Sarah?”
I give her a kiss on the top of the head. Then bend down and smoosh Bruce’s head making the skin wrinkle up around his face. “Yeah, I’ll see you again. I promise.”
They stay in the yard and watch me drive away. It breaks my heart a little to look into the rear view mirror and watch them fade away. I’ll see you again, Darla. I promise.
Where t
o next? The most logical place would be the gym. When I pull up, his truck isn’t here either. I’m not losing hope. Jordan and some other guy are kicking the shit out of a hanging bag when I walk in. The second he sees me, Jordan’s face lights up. “Sarah! Long time no see.! Where the hell has Justin been hiding you?”
“Actually, that’s why I’m here.”
He says something to the guy he’s with, smacks him on the shoulder, and walks my way. Wiping the sweat from his forehead with a towel he throws it over his shoulder. “What’s going on?”
“Have you seen Justin?”
He grabs my hand and leads me over to a weight bench and we sit down. “I haven’t seen him lately. To be honest, I haven’t seen him much at all the past few weeks. He’s blown in and out a few times. He never stays long and never says much. He doesn’t act normal at all. What’s going on?”
“Well, I fucked things up.”
I tell Jordan the entire story. It’s awkward as fuck, but I make it through. “See, like I said. Royally fucked things up.”
“Yeah, I heard about that fire. I didn’t know that was your dad. I’m really sorry about your loss.”
“Don’t be sorry, Jordan. I’m not, at least not about that. I am however sorry about everything else. I’m trying to rectify it, but in order to do that, I have to find Justin.”
The look on Jordan’s face is so sincere. “Sarah, I can’t help you find out where he’s at. I do know that he loves you. I’ve never seen him like he is when he’s with you. Don’t give up. Don’t give up on you two.”
Standing up., I vow, “I don’t plan too.”
I drive around for hours not seeing any sign of Justin. I swear I’ve drove by his house and the gym one hundred times at least. I don’t know where to go, so I just continue to drive around aimlessly. I’m still hopeful, I’m not giving up. It’s going to take a whole hell of a lot more to stop me. I just need to think this through. Think, Sarah,think!
I find myself driving clear out around the edge of town. It’s late and I’m exhausted. I should go back to Delish and get some sleep, then start again tomorrow. But I just keep driving. I find myself out on the same road that Justin and I had taken so many times going to our spot. That’s where I need to go. I have always been able to think there. It’s the best place in the world to decompress and get your shit straight.