by Lena North
“Shut the door, please,” he said calmly.
“I try to make this into something which will be good for our baby. I try to build something, and we don’t spend any time at all together. We don’t share any meals, and we don’t go anywhere together. You won’t even sleep in the same bed as me.”
She was still yelling, and he walked over to close the door, wondering if she’d lost her mind completely. Then he remembered that he was supposed to keep his cool and tried to humor her.
“Mimi, it has been a few weeks. You have to give me some time.”
She made a visible effort to calm down and said, “If you’re going to be like this then at least, cut off your dreads for me.”
Oh, shit. He hadn’t thought about it, but he would have to. Not for Mimi, like she seemed to think. It wasn’t about the mother at all, but out of respect for the child he’d fathered, he should do it.
“Okay,” he said calmly.
“Tonight?”
He nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “You don’t want your parents here?”
“No,” she snapped.
“I’ll call my family,” he said and raised a hand when she was about to protest. “No. Your friends can’t come. This is for family. You don’t want yours to be there, but I want mine. And I will call them.”
Chapter Fifteen
Whatever she wants
Joao
He watched the ocean stretch out in front of the window and tried to make himself walk out. He’d never given it much thought, but he knew that if he had, this was not how he ever would have imagined he’d cut off his dreadlocks. Standing next to a woman he’d once liked and respected but never loved. A woman who had changed into something he loathed. He told himself to focus on the child and tried to imagine himself holding a newborn baby. If felt surreal and he sighed.
Roark put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.
“Ready?”
“Yeah.”
He’d told his brother he wanted it to be a small gathering and asked him to call the others. The men from the Torres family would be there because of his status as protector, although Dupree and Lippy would bow out. Tina and Thea. Nico and Paulie perhaps. It would make it a group of around twenty, which was enough.
“Shit,” Roark said with a wince when they walked out to find also all the other cousins, and quite a few spouses and kids. “Guess word spread,” he murmured. “They’re here for you, Joao.”
“I know,” he said.
Everyone nodded at him when he walked through the crowd, but they didn’t burst out in the usual cheers and words of congratulation. To his surprise, it felt good to have them there, showing him that his child would have the support of the family even if they were unhappy with that child’s mother. He stopped by the edge of the water and waited, wondering where Mimi was.
There wasn’t a fixed ceremony, so everyone simply did what felt right for them. The father always went for a short swim first, and the mother often did too, but after that, it could be anyone cutting off the dreadlocks. Most of the time it was the mother of the child who did it, although sometimes the grandmother. He remembered one occasion when everyone in the family cut one dreadlock each, which had been sweet but also taken forever.
Charlie had probably been the first child to ever do it. Don’t go there, he warned himself, ground his teeth together and focused on the tangy scent from the ocean. Mimi had said she wanted to walk into the water with him but not swim, and he’d shrugged and told her okay. He just wanted to get it done, which he didn’t like about himself but couldn’t shake off.
“Joao.”
Finally.
“Let’s go,” he said and started moving.
She tried to grab his hand, but he pretended to adjust the leather strap around his hair, feeling like a heel. Even if the legal process secured joint custody of the child without Mimi dictating his life, it would be better if they could reach some sort of amicable co-existence.
“Is here a good place to stop?” he asked quietly when the waves were high on her legs.
“Yes.”
She was wearing a colorful sundress he hadn’t seen before, and it fit her perfectly. Her soft, brown hair moved gently in the wind, and she looked happy as she let her hand slide along his upper arm in a gentle caress. He wanted to remind her this wasn’t what she pretended it was. It wasn’t a goddamned marriage ceremony or him making any promises to her. This was him acknowledging the child, nothing else.
Without another word, he dove and started swimming. Once he was in the water, he couldn’t stop himself. He kept going further out until he barely saw the people on the beach. Once there, he pulled off his shorts, wrapped them around his wrist, and changed shape.
As usual, everything under the surface became crystal clear. The taste on his tongue was an explosion of flavors, and it felt like soft velvet caressed his skin.
“What’s wrong, Joao?”
A pod had joined him, and he twirled around to look at them.
“Nothing.”
“Okay.”
They knew he was lying but they were kind, so they didn’t say anything about it. In the corner of his eye, he saw Roark and the other cousins who could shift shape. It wasn’t unheard of for friends and family to join the father for his last swim, but it was uncommon. He wondered how they’d explained it to Mimi.
“I’m going to cut the dreads today,” he told the dolphins.
Congratulations echoed around him, and the vibrations from their speech came at him from all angles. Their happiness for him flowed through the water, and he embraced it. He would become a father, he thought. Somehow, he’d find a way to have a good life again because he had to. Because of the child.
“Why didn’t you bring your woman?”
He froze and locked eyes with the leader.
“What?”
“You usually bring your woman for the last swim, don’t you? Your woman and family. Your friends. That’s who you bring, and they’re all here, but your woman isn’t.”
“What are you talking about? She’s standing in the water by the shore.”
There was a long silence, and when he looked around at the gray bodies moving all around him, none of them met his surprised gaze.
“No, she isn’t,” one of them said quietly.
Realization hit him, and he turned to stare at their leader. The big female looked back at him with kindness, but he also felt her anger.
“You’re sure?” he asked hoarsely.
“We scent it in the water,” she said gently. “We can tell when she is ready to bear a child, and when she carries one. The woman you brought does not carry a child, Joao.”
There were suddenly angry vibrations all around him, and he realized the female had spoken openly, so everyone had heard. The whole pod was moving restlessly, and his eyes met Roark’s again. Then he turned and rushed back to the beach. He didn’t change back until he was almost in front of Mimi, and water splashed all over her as he stood up. She giggled and took a few steps back, turning away slightly and pretending to wipe off her face. He used that time to get into his shorts instead of throttling her like he wanted to.
“Joao, be careful,” Mimi giggled. “They’ll take pictures while I cut your hair, and I want to look pretty.”
“You need to take a pregnancy test, right now.” His loud voice lashed over the water like a whip, and she tensed. He turned and looked grimly at Tina. “Go get one.”
Her eyes widened for a split second, but she nodded and ran across the beach toward town.
“What are you talking about?” Mimi asked.
“We’ll go back to the house, right now. Don’t speak to me.”
No one said a word as he marched across the beach, pulling Mimi along with a hard grip on her upper arm. Once they’d reached the back deck, he let go and pointed toward the door.
“Inside. Now.”
He made a movement with his hand t
o indicate Roark should come with him, got inside and positioned himself by the wall. Mimi came toward him, but he just clenched his jaws, crossed his arms across his chest and looked away, forcing himself to breathe slowly and wait. It felt like an eternity, and then Tina walked in with a small box in her hand. Nicholas and Pauline followed her inside, and he saw through the window that everyone else was still waiting on the beach.
“The doctor should be here for this,” Tina said.
She looked calm and what she said was right. There couldn’t be any discussion about the results of the test, especially not if it showed what he thought it would.
“What?” Mimi breathed out.
“Go into the bathroom. They will go with you. Take the test.”
“No.”
“Take. The. Test.”
He ground the words out through teeth which he yet again had to clench together to keep himself from roaring at her.
“There shouldn’t be any need for this. My word should be enough,” she protested.
“It isn’t.”
“Why are you acting like this?” she asked, and tears pooled in her eyes.
“Take the test,” he repeated.
“No.”
Tina suddenly took hold of Mimi’s arm and pulled her into the bathroom, with Nicholas following just behind. Loud shouts were coming from behind the door, but Joao ignored it. She’d lied to him. He trusted the dolphins more than he trusted himself, so he knew she had.
Jesus. Fuck. His mind was spinning, and he bent his head to look on the floor in front of him, forcing himself to count the seconds. He’d never been involved in taking a pregnancy test in his life, so he didn’t know how long it took. Minutes? Longer?
“A few minutes, honey.” Pauline had read his mind and put her hands on his arms to steady him. “A few more minutes, and we know.”
He nodded into his chest but wasn’t sure he’d get a word out in anything but a loud roar, so he didn’t reply. His aunt remained close, sliding her hands up and down his arms in a gentle caress which soothed him. After a while, Tina walked out with a small white stick.
She held it out to him, and murmured, “Not pregnant.”
He exhaled and stared into her angry face. Then Nicholas walked out too, followed by Mimi.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered with tears streaming down her cheeks.
“How did you even think you’d get aw –”
She’d wanted to sleep in his bed and said the intimacy would bring them closer together. What a goddamned fool he’d been. Mimi thought they’d find their way back to the lukewarm relationship they’d had, and that it would lead to them having sex. They wouldn’t have used protection so she would have gotten pregnant eventually. Except, she clearly had no clue how he felt, about her and about Charlie.
“Fuck you,” he said succinctly.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I missed my period and really thought I was pregnant. It felt like it, and I’d just moved in here when I found out that I wasn’t.”
He just stared at her. She’d felt pregnant. She hadn’t even taken a test before destroying his life?
“You’re crazy,” he whispered hoarsely.
“What we had was good, Joao. If you think about it, you’ll know that your life will be better with me than with her. She’s lazy and sloppy, and she doesn’t even have any decent clothes. And now she prances around in that bar with her repulsive father, pretending to work?” The look on her face was suddenly one of disgust as if no decent human being had ever worked in a bar. Then she collected herself and said softly, “She’s not the kind of wife someone like you need. I’m a much better woman, and I love you.”
Tina suddenly took two quick steps forward and slapped Mimi across the mouth. Thea moved closer to pull Tina back, Nicholas cursed and moved too, but Joao stepped in front of them to face Mimi.
“You are so pathetically mistaken that there’s nothing to even argue about. Just leave,” he said quietly.
“Leave?”
“Someone will pack up whatever you have here and get it to you. I’m not touching anything that has to do with you ever again. Don’t, not ever, talk to me again.”
“Jo –”
“Not one word, Mimi.”
She closed her mouth, and he pointed toward the door leading out to his back deck, where his whole family was waiting, indicating this was the way she was leaving his house. He wasn’t going to make it easy for her.
When she’d disappeared, he turned toward Roark and blew out a breath.
“Jesus,” he sighed, moved his hand over the dreadlocks he still had attached to his head and walked outside where he almost crashed right into Mimi who had stopped on the deck.
Everyone was watching her, and word about what was going on had apparently spread because most looked angry. He walked past Mimi and stopped at the top of the stairs leading down to the beach.
“Thank you for coming today,” he said loudly. “I appreciated it more than you’ll ever know, but I won’t cut off my dreadlocks today. It turns out I never fathered a child after all, so there is no need.”
A loud murmur went through the crowd and heads started turning toward the woman behind him. Yeah. He wasn’t going to make this easier for her because she hadn’t made it easy for him.
“If anyone has any questions about this; ask Mimi,” he said and walked through the crowd toward the ocean.
When he was waist deep, he stopped and filled his hands.
“Thank you,” he called out to the pod. He felt their presence in the water around him and poured the water over his face. “Thank you.”
A chorus of voices echoed around him, telling him that no thanks were needed, and how they wanted him to be happy. Then a small gray dolphin moved next to him, and a soft voice whispered, “Charlie?”
“Yes,” he said and turned.
Roark waited for him on the beach with his phone in his hand.
“Go,” he said. “I’ll call them, tell Dupree what happened.”
Joao nodded once and walked along the beach toward town, following the boardwalk in front of the hotels and restaurants where tourists were milling around as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on. He kept walking through the harbor until he was standing in front of the small bar with its ridiculous cut-out dolphin over a door where the sign announced the place was closed.
He stood there staring at it. What would he say? What would she say? What would he do if she couldn’t forgive him?
“Get in here,” Bananas grunted and held the door open for him.
Lippy and Dupree stood in front of the bar, leaning their backs on it, arms crossed over their chests. Ban walked up to stand next to them, and neither of the men showed any emotion.
“Can I talk to her?” Joao asked quietly.
“You didn’t even put shoes on, boy,” Lippy grunted, and Joao looked down.
Shit. He was in a pair of wet shorts and had just left the whole mess behind without thinking so he was also barefoot and bare-chested.
“I didn’t –”
“Whatever she wants,” Bananas said harshly.
“What?”
“Someone went through her things at Nico and Paulie’s house.”
“What?”
Why hadn’t anyone told him?
“Dupree worried, and Nico and Paulie worried,” Ban went on. “So, I slept in the hammock outside her window. She didn’t know, but we had to keep her safe.” His face hardened, and he took a step forward. “And I heard her, boy. Every night, hour after hour. She cried and tried to do it quietly, but her window was open, and I heard. Couldn’t sleep when she was in there, crying herself to sleep.”
Joao closed his eyes and bent his head down toward his chest. Every word Ban hissed out hit him like a blow, and the older man had more to say.
“She talked to us about leaving, but she has family here now, so she can’t. Instead, she held her head high, an
swered well-meaning questions from everyone with a kindness they didn’t deserve because they were also snooping and eager to gossip about her. And she smiled through it all, but night after night… I listened to that sobbing.”
“I –”
“I get what you did and why you had to do it, but you can’t expect her to simply forget. There were too many tears. So, whatever she asks for, you give her. I will rip out your heart if you don’t –”
“Ban, stop it,” Joao cut him off. “If I can’t give her what she needs, it’ll rip my heart to pieces. You won’t have to do it.”
Bananas moved, but Lippy put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.
“I was going to send you away,” Dupree said quietly. “Thought you both needed time. And then you walked in here with no shoes and that look on your face, so I can’t. She’s on the dock. She knows.”
Joao nodded and walked past them, through the kitchen and out on the dock. His feet were quiet on the planks, but she heard him. Her shoulders twitched, and he wished she would turn around.
“Can I sit here with you for a little while?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” she whispered.
They sat in silence, watching the sun approach the horizon in front of them. Joao tried desperately to find the right words, but his mind was just a vast, empty bucket of nothing to say because how did you start over after what they’d been through? How could he even ask her to take another chance with him?
He wanted to turn toward her but didn’t dare to because she’d sounded sad, and if she told him to leave, he’d have to make his body move away from her. So he didn’t turn and kept staring at the water.
Then he knew.
“Do you want to go swimming with me tomorrow?” he asked quietly.
That’s how it had started. Swimming lessons and eating on the beach. Going away on Roark’s boat, and day trips on his catamaran. Floating in the moonlight when everything around them was silent and the whole world was theirs.
“Joao…” she breathed out, and his chest tightened.
“Please,” he said, heard how his voice broke and closed his eyes.
God. Please. It felt like an eternity passed by and all he heard were the silent prayers echoing inside him. Please don’t send me away.