by Karen Aldous
We each screamed, turning heads.
Cathy’s face was aghast. ‘I don’t have a vibrator.’
‘Oh, come on, Cath,’ Lou jibed. ‘We know you aren’t talking to Anthony all that time alone in the room. Christ, we know you miss him, but don’t be greedy, let someone else have some fun.’
Again, our raucous laughter shrilled through the room.
‘With all your mess in there, I’d never find it if I had one,’ Cathy hit back.
‘Touché, mon ami! Anyway, Kim. You’re keeping quiet. What have you got to confess?’
As the focus had moved on now from Lou to Kim, I repositioned myself, facing Kim, waiting as she studied the table, tapping her lips with her finger. I sensed she was trying to think of something. Or not.
Chapter 16
Kim
As Ginny stared at me, the sound of my accelerated heartbeat drummed in my ears. Was she able to read me? I wanted to swallow the lump in my throat but feared I’d give myself away. Instead, I rolled my head back, throwing my chin in the air. My head screamed at me to tell the truth, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t pop Ginny’s rapturous bubble. Not yet. She was the happiest she’d been for a long time and she had the date to look forward to. It made every sense to lie. I felt all eyes boring into me as I searched the blurred depths of my brain to reach a snippet of alternative material.
Lou lifted her glass to her lips. ‘There has to be something.’ I sensed their impatience and felt myself crumbling.
I thrust my head forward, my brows furrowing under the weight. ‘I really can’t think of anything,’ I blurted out. ‘You all know my past, about my family, my background. Other than that, you’re aware I was the most boring dedicated student, super eager to get good grades and do my mother proud. I never did drugs, unless given by a doctor. I met Will when I was a virgin. You know about the years of heartache, not able to conceive. IVF. Then getting two angels together. Hats off for finding the strength to fight the temptation though, Lou – and Ang.’ I looked at Lou, crossing my legs as I sat back, the topics of infidelity and temptation rolling around my conscience. I couldn’t look at Ginny. But suddenly a little ovary of an idea released.
‘Oh, actually, there is something. One crazy notion I had. Yup, mega embarrassing.’ I cringed, then laughed. ‘It was years ago when Will and I were trying. I suppose we’d been at it for about four or five years and we’d already been to see the specialist and gone through three IVF programs. I was desperate I suppose – the maternal bug that eats away at you, or at me at least.’
‘Well, come on, spit it out, Kim,’ Angie said; in fact, all of them were sitting forward as though waiting to snatch the first word.
I rubbed the sides of my legs feeling sweat in my palms. ‘It sounds so idiotic but at the time I was desperate.’ I heaved in a breath. ‘I asked a guy to impregnate me,’ I admitted. My eyes scanned for evidence of horror. And, if raised eyebrows and dropped jaws were evidence, I had it.
‘Oh wow! Who was he?’ Cathy asked.
I continued. ‘We were still in Sydney then. I needed something to get me out. Spending time with horses was something I missed from when I used to go along with Ginny and Lou. So, I found somewhere to ride; a place called Centennial Park close to the city. It was a huge park but sometimes a group of us would go along to a wild spot, called Hidden Valley. It’s about an hour north of the city with forest trails, creek crossings, et cetera. Anyway, Tom – this guy in the group – was single, great company and we got on really well, in that brother-stroke-sisterly way. He used to drive us to Hidden Valley, and sometimes if there were more of the group joining us and someone else drove, I got in with Tom and it was just the two of us. We spoke about things, his girlfriends, his family, my family, Will and my longing for a baby. He knew the background. Sympathised but was never forthcoming or encouraging me to ask him. This was totally me! And, for some crazy reason one day, I thought it would be a good idea to ask him if he would father my child. No commitment. Just do the deed and Will would be the father. Safe to say, after his flat no, our friendship hit the floor. It was awful. I couldn’t face him again. It was a painful journey returning to Sydney that day. He was pretty disgusted, and the silence as we drove back was elephantine.’
‘I’m sure he understood you were desperate,’ Ginny said. ‘But maybe he took offence because he fancied you himself.’
I grimaced. ‘Unlikely – I don’t think I was his type. He wasn’t mine, but he was intelligent and had nice features close enough to Will’s that I thought I could get away with it. But, yes, he understood or said he did. I think he was more shocked that I’d even consider it.’ I then sneered. ‘He said I’d watched too many movies and it wasn’t like that in the real world.’
‘You poor love,’ Cathy sighed.
‘Silly woman, you mean. Like I said, those were desperate times and I suppose I was grappling for a scrap of hope.’
Lou swiped her brow. ‘I can imagine. I was pulling my hair out after just a few months. Luckily, I fell after about eight. I completely get it though. That maternal instinct takes over your life, doesn’t it?’ she said and reached her hand out to mine. She folded it under leaving her thumb to caress the top. ‘I don’t think we realised the extent of what you were going through, sweetheart. I’m sorry we couldn’t be with you during those dark days.’
‘I chose to move to Oz. With Will, of course. We were young and had our future to look forward to. New jobs, new horizons. I missed you all so much though, especially then.’ I felt myself choking up. ‘And now. Now the girls are grown, and in Europe, I so wish I could up sticks and come home.’
‘You will, sweetie,’ Ginny said, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.
Immediately, I burst into tears. ‘Please don’t,’ I said pulling away from Ginny. ‘You’ll make me worse and I … I don’t deserve it. Really.’
‘Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.’ Ginny’s eyes spilled with tears too. ‘You’re the next best thing I have to a sister. I was heartbroken when you left. You’re welcome to come home anytime. Crikey, I don’t need all that space.’
I wanted to scream: You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew how much my sister and I had betrayed you.
Lou reached her arm out again, catching my fingers. ‘Will needs a bit more persuasion, that’s all. Why don’t you visit us more often or lengthen your stays here? He’ll soon get the hint.’
‘Maybe.’ I lowered my head. ‘I sometimes think he should have married his job instead of me.’ I sniffed, wiping my eyes. It slipped out. That statement was unnecessary. Will meant everything to me still, and I didn’t need to betray him. Cathy picked up a clean serviette and thrust it in front of me. I unfolded it and blew my nose. I didn’t deserve this attention and I certainly didn’t wish my friends to think I was feeling sorry for myself. ‘Honestly, I’m fine. I don’t know where that came from. I’m just having a moment.’
I blinked a few times urging the tears to stop whilst remembering Will’s face the moment Bob, our reproductive endocrinologist, told us we were pregnant. He had become our friend throughout the IVF and offered to do a proper test and a scan shortly after I realised I was late and did a home test. Will thought I was having a phantom. I remember watching Will though. He took my hand and braced himself, tightening his lips, then nibbling them. He looked into my eyes before he turned his gaze back to Bob. I felt his tension run up my arm and as his jaw dropped his wrist flexed. ‘Bob, not the time to joke,’ was his response to the news. As if Bob would joke – a professional and, increasingly, a dear friend. Bob shrugged nonchalantly. Will then jumped up, twisting my arm with the force. ‘There’s really a sprog in there?’ He patted my belly with his other hand.
Bob held up two fingers. ‘Not one but two.’ Will turned to me with his mouth open and grabbed my legs, the mass of his arms crushing them as I flew up in the air. ‘The egg split. Two embryos. You have identical twins, Will,’ Bob confirmed as Will kissed my belly and put me back down on earth.
‘Congratulations, Kim,’ Bob said planting a celebratory kiss on my cheek. ‘Congratulations, Will.’ He held out his hand. Will took it, shook it and kissed it. We often refer to that magical moment. And did so after the last big row about Will retiring and us returning home to London. It was always the perfect anecdote to make up. I wiped my eyes again.
This was ridiculous. I fanned my hand in front of my face. Where was all this emotion coming from? I drew in my breath. ‘Sorry, sorry. Clearly, I … my heart’s telling me something. It’s saying time to return and spend time with you all. Have fun times like we’ve had tonight, this week.’ I forced a smile, my guilt spilling into my blood urging release. ‘Let’s enjoy our evening, Flowers,’ I said, fearing this could be the last, the end of a beautiful friendship. Although, it occurred to me, telling Ginny tomorrow wasn’t good either. I couldn’t ruin her date. I steered the subject in a different direction. ‘We could even go and try the late bar downstairs. Is it The Pub, they call it? Is anyone up for that?’
Ginny
A brilliant sunny day greeted us, but we were late meeting Christoff the following morning and feeling extremely delicate, despite rehydrating and taking painkillers. The excited fluttering in my stomach due to anticipating my date didn’t help matters. Not that we were terribly late getting back but with the alcohol and all the dancing, not forgetting the skiing, we had pushed ourselves to the limit. We began our uphill slog to the nursery slope. Each of us was quiet, possibly psyching up for our ski or locked in thought. I had thoroughly enjoyed our celebrations, the meal, Champagne, dancing, drunken banter as well as hearing revelations from my friends. So funny when I thought about it. What we hide!
Whilst Lou’s incident wasn’t exactly carnage, her assertive, deal-with-it attitude was commendable. Giving Jimmy up once was heart-wrenching for her, then going to Spain alone, but to resist him the second time around showed what strong stuff she was made of. In so many ways, I’ve always admired her brave approach to life. She has always been willing to jump in, try new things and put herself out there. I watched her drive a motorbike over a car once! My heart in my mouth, naturally. But, I’ve also seen her running into a road to chase a straying child’s stroller, saving the child’s life. I wished I could be more like that sometimes and I’m not surprised she had a skeleton in her closet. I think she probably has a few more.
And, Kim, bless her. A tough cookie on the outside, but I still loved to mother Kim – wrap a protective coat around her soft centre. But desperate times could make us crazy and called for desperate measures, I supposed. She was human and vulnerable like all of us. I believed she thought it was worth a punt to keep her sanity. It was times like that you needed your friends. Not something I would have done, but then who knew what I might have done in her situation. The maternal drive in women can be incredibly overpowering. My Ross’s arrival was sooner than I’d anticipated, just after I’d come off the pill, so I was ill qualified to judge or totally understand. I felt relieved the man refused Kim, if I’m honest. And karma paid her.
That aside, judging from the emotional outburst last night, Kim was clearly feeling alone. That saddened me. It was painful to see her cry. I sensed it when I was there last year; it was evident that Will’s focus was on his latest project. Will was a lovely guy, I admired his dedication, his standing in the cancer research field – he was a great doctor. But now the girls were independent and the nest was empty, Kim needed him. And us. I would love Kim to come back to the UK; maybe she could lengthen her stays, for now, until she can persuade Will. I was certainly going to make the most of her company this week.
Again, Christoff recommended we warm up on the nursery slope before skiing over to the gondola to take us back to the blue run we’d skied the previous day. The morning’s lesson flew by as we managed two runs down to the two-man chair, our ploughs improving, and I paid particular attention to Christoff’s demonstration, working harder to get my skis parallel and my turns neater. I found the turns easier and increased my speed, though I was still careful to stay in control. A skill, Christoff told us, that women seemed to master so much quicker than men – who tended, he told us, to race fearlessly until they crashed!
‘You will be safer skiers,’ he told us at the end of the lesson when we travelled down in the gondola to meet Angie and Neil.
Florian and Tom were with them as we arrived and so we all made our way across the road to the Belleview for lunch. Angie sat with Cathy without monopolising Christoff’s attention for once. Seeing Neil, the butterflies in my tummy began flapping their wings again, but once we had sat down, ordered drinks and lunch, we looked out from the warm terrace and admired the scenery. He pointed out villages and towns in the valley. He indicated dairy farms, fruit growers, winemakers, local industry, smaller engineering businesses, service industries, and explained the commerce and their contribution to the canton and its population. I quickly became absorbed. Neil had got to know the area well and had versed himself well with the local trade.
‘There’s still a great deal of traditional bargaining that goes on between producers, wine for cheese, fish for meat or fruit – that sort of thing,’ he said. ‘Makes so much sense.’
I smiled. ‘A tradition we seem to have lost in England. That’s lovely.’
‘I love it here. I’d love to take you along to the lake. Have you been to Lake Léman?’
Shaking my head, I said, ‘No. I haven’t. And, annoyingly, I was asleep in the car when we drove from the airport, so I didn’t see it then either.’
‘That’s a shame.’ Neil’s head tilted to one side displaying a small scar just under his chin. He had youthful skin considering his mass of creamy-grey hair and, with weather exposure, his skin was turning golden from the sun.
‘I’ll make a point of looking out on the way back.’
‘And, such a shame you’re not staying longer,’ he said. ‘There’s so much here to see. Are you still OK for tonight?’
I didn’t hesitate. ‘Absolutely, I’m really looking forward to it.’
‘Good. I’m glad. No relieved, to be precise. Me too. In fact—’ he looked at his watch and briefly rolled his eyes ‘—I’m afraid I have to go. I’m just going along to get my hair trimmed so …’ He picked up his helmet and gloves. ‘I’ll see you at your chalet at seven.’
After an exhausting afternoon’s ski, my legs yearned for some relief, and the long bubbly soak was utter bliss especially with my Kindle and a glass of wine for company. The girls had gone into La Poste for wine and the hope of a slice or two of Stefano’s famous freshly baked après-ski pizza – an amazing way to lure customers in if ever I tasted one. They left me to get myself dolled up for my date. Because I forgot to top up my face with sun cream, however, my nose and cheeks steamed in the heat and when I climbed out and saw my face in the mirror, I was horrified. How on earth could I go on a date looking like a clown?
It was ten to seven and, although dressed and ready, as best I could with my make-up anyway, I looked in the mirror as I reached the bottom of the stairs and the beacon on my face was still alight. I poured myself another wine wondering if I should go back up and rummage through the girls’ make-up bags. Fortunately, the girls swaggered in from the bar and immediately spotted my problem. Quelle surprise!
‘Oh, Jeez, look at you, my Pommie fleur,’ Kim slurred trying hard not to laugh and rushing up the stairs. ‘I’ll get my concealer.’
At that moment I heard the doorbell ring and, after freezing momentarily, I dashed up after her. ‘Pl … please pour Neil a drink,’ I yelled as panic caught my breath.
‘Oh, quick, he can’t see me like this,’ I squealed to Kim, hopping behind her as she dove into her make-up bag.
Angie rushed in behind us. ‘I might have some too, but I’m sure it will be too dark for your skin tone.’
‘This should fix it, honey.’ Kim unfurled the beige stick and pressed on my shoulder. ‘Sit down on the bed,’ she ordered, and leant over tapping the creamy substance ligh
tly on my nose and cheeks. She tapped her finger over the cream and then gently rubbed the skin around my nose, blending, then adding more. She did the same to the roses on my cheeks and stood back. ‘Ace. Just a bit more, here.’ She laughed. ‘Much better. Lucky, we caught you in time. You looked like Truly Scrumptious dressed as a life-size doll. Oh, what was the film?’
‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,’ I said. ‘Thank God you came back. Are you sure it looks OK?’
She laughed again along with Angie who was scooping back a stray hair from my forehead and feathering the top with her fingers. ‘You look gorgeous, sweetheart. Neil won’t notice. Promise. But take this with you and when you pop to the ladies’, you can top up. It may be warm.’
‘Flowers, you are my saviours,’ I said getting back on my feet and taking the stick of concealer and sticking it into my jeans pocket.
Angie looked me up and down. ‘Beautiful. I love your top, goes lovely with the stone jeans; the cream really suits you—’ she giggled again ‘—especially with a bit of colour.’
I raised my hand to my face. ‘Don’t. Can you still see it?’
She rocked her head from side to side, pursing her lips. ‘No, but you have that sun-kissed glow and it suits you. Really. You look amazing.’
‘You do. So go. Have a terrific time.’ Kim held out her arms and squeezed me, careful not to crease me.
Angie then swathed her arms around me too. ‘Enjoy, beautiful girl,’ she said, pulling me close and patting her hand on my back. ‘Have as much fun as you can muster – while you can. You won’t believe how jealous I am!’
It was my turn to laugh. ‘Aww, get real. You’re too smart to do anything stupid,’ I told Angie as I stepped back from her arms and checked myself in the mirror. Kim had done a terrific job and thankfully, in the panic, my nerves had all but disappeared. ‘And remember, focus on keeping us all fit. Especially if we are going to go to Machu Picchu or Nepal.’