by Amy Sparling
“You better not be calling to tell me the party has been cancelled because I just spent eighty bucks on a bathing suit.”
I consider lying and telling her it has been cancelled just to see how long she’ll freak out. “No, I just need to vent for a moment.”
“Holy crap, is there trouble in Jace and Bayleigh’s perfect paradise?”
I let out a breath. “Yeah. Only Jace’s paradise is still perfect.”
Becca listens to me tell her what happened with the waitress like a true friend—by staying quiet until I’m finished with every last crazy obsessive worry I unload on her.
“So?” she says as she piles all of her stuff into her car and prepares to make the drive over here. “You know what you need to do now.”
I peek through the curtains in the living room on the off chance that Jace has returned home early. “I do?”
“Duh! Check his emails, girl. Find out exactly what that skank waitress has been emailing him about.”
“There’s no way I can do that. That’s an invasion of privacy.”
The sound of her blowing a raspberry with her tongue filters through the phone. “He gave you his password. It’s not an invasion. If anything, it’s an invitation.”
“I dunno,” I say, turning around and glancing to where his laptop rests on the kitchen counter. “It just feels wrong.”
“Fiiiiiine, Miss Upstandingly Moral. Just try to log in with the password he gave you. If he didn’t want you to see her emails then he would have changed the password.”
She makes a good point. One that I can’t seem to find a way to shut down. I toy over the idea in my head for the rest of our conversation. She tells me the directions she pulled off of the internet from her house to Jace’s apartment to make sure they’re right because this is the first time she’ll be driving herself to Mixon. I tell her she’s good to go, but in reality I have no idea if her directions were correct or not.
I’m still mentally stuck on the email thing.
Once we’re off the phone and I’ve double, triple and quadruple checked the parking lot for Jace’s truck, not to mention sending him a text asking him to call me when he’s on his way home, I sneak over to the laptop in the kitchen. My pulse races and my hands actually shake as I take the laptop, open it and turn it on. An overwhelming feeling of embarrassment consumes me as I click on the browser and then go to Jace’s email screen.
I don’t even need to use the password he gave me because it’s already logged in. That means he didn’t change it and he doesn’t have anything to hide. I suck in a deep breath and take one step backward from the computer, glancing out the front window again and finding Jace’s parking spot still empty. Well, that’s it I guess. The password wasn’t changed and that’s all I wanted to know.
A few seconds later, I’m typing the letters J-U-L-I-E into the email search bar and I’m feeling like a total snoopy asshole for doing it. But then I hit enter and brace myself for the results.
More than a dozen emails from one Julie Garner show up on the screen. I knew they would, but the knowledge doesn’t stop the ball of bitter anxiety that swells up in my throat. The most recent email was received nine months ago. He didn’t reply to it. Nor to the three before that one. I should feel relief, but I don’t because Jace and I were dating nine months ago. The idea of a girl emailing him, even if he didn’t reply, just kills me.
I know I’ll regret it, but I click on the first email and skim the contents. They aren’t so bad. Just random stuff about work and motocross—well that’s good news. A tiny voice in the back of my mind tells me to close the email, turn off the computer and put it back right freaking now! I’ve already snooped more than I ever should have and I didn’t find anything bad.
But I don’t listen to that little voice. I click on the next one. And the next one.
My eyes blur with a mixture of hurt and anger and other emotions I don’t even comprehend right now.
A picture of her wearing a skintight dress and posing with her hand on her hip next to another equally beautiful girl.
…come on Jace I know you aren’t my boyfriend but you’re like my best friend…
…how come you never reply to me anymore? You didn’t even say anything about my picture!...
Sad face. Sad face. Sad face.
I’m clicking through emails like a mad woman now, skimming random lines in her long emails before moving on to the next one.
Click. Click. Click.
Stop.
Panic.
On June 11th of last year, Julie Garner sent an email to Jace that didn’t contain a single word. Just a picture of herself, naked and spread eagle on a bed.
Now I really do click out of the email and close the laptop. Now I really do put it back where I found it in the kitchen.
I don’t want to do the math in my head, to trace back the dates and figure out when exactly she sent him that picture. But I do it anyway. Jace and I started dating on May 19th. It doesn’t take a math genius to know that June comes right after that.
The knot in my stomach rises up into my throat. I make it to the bathroom just in time to empty the contents of my stomach in one acidy, disgusting hurl. My eyes squeeze shut as I hover over the toilet puking out my guts. Amidst everything, the puke and the vile stench of it and the horrid taste in my mouth, all I can think about is one thing—Julie Garner’s perfectly shaped naked body.
It’s way more beautiful than I’ll ever be.
Chapter 13
A loud knock on the front door makes me jump out of my thoughts and land back in the real world. Somehow I ended up on the bathroom floor, knees pulled to my chest with tears streaming down my face. The knock comes again, this time more forceful. It’s right about now that I notice my cell phone is ringing from the other room.
I jump up and wipe the tears off my face with the back of my hand. My stomach fills with nausea but I ignore it and pull open the front door. To my relief, it’s Becca and not Jace. Not that I have any desire to see anyone at the moment, but my best friend is a whole lot better than Jace.
“Good god what is wrong with you?” Becca yanks off her sunglasses and tosses them onto the floor with her purse and a beach bag. She’s already wearing her eighty dollar bikini under a pink sundress and she smells faintly of self-tanner. “Have you been crying? What is that smell?”
My face crumples in confusion because nothing she says makes any sense right now. All I can think about is Julie’s perfect boobs and the fact that Jace saw them. He could look at that email every day for all I know.
Becca’s arms wrap around me as I burst into tears and fall to my knees. She drops to the floor and asks me a million questions. Finally something snaps me out of my insanity. “Should I call 9-1-1? What is it Bayleigh, you’re freaking me the hell out!”
I look up and swallow, blinking back tears. I shake my head and sniffle until I can breathe again. “No. No I’m fine. I’m just…heartbroken.” My voice cracks at that last word and my eyes threaten to gush out tears again. Becca grabs my wrists and squeezes them tightly in my lap.
Her words are precise and spoken slowly as if I’m a child with a hearing impairment. “What. The. Hell. Happened?”
I take a deep breath. “I read Jace’s email.”
Her eyes practically bulge out of her skull. “And?” she says with as much calmness as she can possibly muster. I know it’s taking every ounce of energy in her body not to freak out and beg for every dirty little detail. Luckily for her, she doesn’t have to beg.
I tell her absolutely everything I found and she listens with her eyes wide and her hand over her open mouth. “Wait, that was sent nine months ago?”
I nod. “Yeah but we were dating nine months ago.”
She gnaws on her bottom lip and rocks back on her heels. “Girl… I don’t know. I mean, this is bad but it isn’t bad, bad. You know?”
I blink and a stray tear trails down my cheek. I can tell she’s struggling to find the right words to
say; probably searching for a lie that will make me feel better. Well good luck because it’s not going to work. “Okay look.” She takes a deep breath and puts on her Serious Face. “He didn’t reply to the emails. You had to search for it so it’s not like had it saved as a favorite or anything. Plus, we both know he’s hella famous and girls probably throw themselves at him all the time. Hell, I bet he has tons of naked photos from other girls trying to get his attention.”
My calm façade cracks into a million pieces again. “Thanks a lot. You didn’t have to put more worries in my mind.”
“Ugh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Look Bayleigh, it’s going to be okay. Jace isn’t cheating on you and he never has. Some crazy bitch emailed him looking for attention. Screw her.”
“You’re right,” I say with a renewed feeling of strength. “He hasn’t cheated on me, so it’s not the worst thing in the world. I just feel like I know something that I shouldn’t have ever known. I’ve seen something I shouldn’t have seen. I’m ruined now.”
A million thoughts and worries swarm around my mind. How many times did Jace look at that picture? How many more pictures have girls sent him? Does he ever think about her when we’re together? But somehow, my love for him and for what we have together still hangs on, desperate to make things work. “How am I ever going to come back from this? How am I going to forget that I saw anything and go on with my life?”
Becca’s head tilts sideways and her lips squish to the left. “Maybe you should talk to Jace about it. Get his explanation.”
“There’s no way in hell that’s happening.” My hand shoots to my stomach as another wave of nausea hits me. “Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up again.”
“Again? Girl go brush your teeth. Your breath smells like something died in there.”
The front door swings open and we both jump. Jace walks inside while staring at his cell phone. When he sees us sitting on the floor, his expression goes from calm to anxious. “Babe? What’s wrong? Have you been crying?”
I open my mouth to reply but Becca beats me to it. “The girl tripped over her own feet and crashed into the coffee table. She’s fine though so don’t get any closer. We were just on our way to get all pretty for the pool party.” She grabs my wrist and pulls me off the floor. “So no peeking!”
“Okay but you two are weird,” Jace says as he heads into the kitchen to get a drink. Becca pulls me down the hallway toward Jace’s bedroom. “I love you Bay,” he calls out.
“I love you too,” I yell back, hoping to god that my voice doesn’t sound as shattered as I feel.
Becca forces me to brush my teeth and wash my face. The fresh breath and cool water splashing on my face helps pull me out of my funk. I have to put on a happy face after all. It’s my one year anniversary and I’ll be spending it with dozens of other people at a friend’s house.
Happy thoughts.
Must think happy thoughts.
Must pretend to be as happy as you were before you knew the things you aren’t supposed to know.
“There’s no point in wearing makeup.” I give Becca a judgmental sideways glance as she applies eyeliner in front of the mirror. “It’s a pool party. All that shit will just wash off.”
“But what if I meet a hot motocross guy before I get in the water?” She stops talking to open her mouth as she carefully applies the eyeliner. “I’m sure the place will be packed with hot guys and I’m not missing out on that opportunity.”
I laugh and for one tiny fraction of a second I’ve completely forgotten the stupid photo. Then it comes back to me full force, punching me in the face as if to say screw you, I’m not letting you forget about me!
I hide behind the closet door as I slip into my bikini and pull a pair of jean shorts on over it. I chose the darkest pair of shorts I have just to provide period protection if my dreaded monthly curse decides to finally show up in the middle of the party.
With my terrible luck, it probably will. It’ll be a perfect end to a perfectly horrible day.
“Hey, I have to ask you something and you can’t tell anyone about this at all for the rest of your life.” I give Becca my Super Serious Face so she knows I’m not kidding.
She cocks and eyebrow. “As if the entire last thirty minutes weren’t already a secret?” she asks.
“Good point.” I sit on the bed and watch her finish applying her makeup. “Yeah so, I’m wearing a white bathing suit because it’s the only one I have and I’m gonna need you to…okay I know this is gross, but I need you to be my official backup because I might be getting my period soon.”
“You mean you want me to check out your ass occasionally to make sure you haven’t bled everywhere?”
“You don’t have to be so damn blunt about it,” I say with an awkward laugh. “But yeah.”
“If you’re about to be on the rag why the hell would you even go to a pool party? With a white bathing suit?”
I shrug. “I’m not entirely sure I’m about to start. I was supposed to start a few days ago but I haven’t yet so I’m thinking maybe I miscalculated on my calendar.”
Becca replaces the cap on her mascara and slowly puts the tube back into her makeup case. When she looks at me her face is completely blank.
“What? Am I totally stupid for risking it tonight? I’m not cramping or anything so I don’t think it’ll happen at the party.”
“Bayleigh, you might have a bigger problem than some skank’s naked photos.”
“What does that mean?” I ask it even though I’m already putting together the puzzle in my mind. A sharp stab of terror pierces my heart.
Becca sits next to me on the bed. “Don’t you see? You’ve been crying like a lunatic over finding a silly email from nine months ago. That is so not like you. You’re a hormonal freak right now. What if you’re pregnant? Oh my god what if you’re pregnant?”
Her words hang in the air as silence envelopes us. I think about crying or screaming or jumping into denial mode. I could pace the room or crumple into a ball on the floor. But I don’t do anything. It’s as if my brain has reached maximum thinking capacity and locked up, unable to function anymore.
Jace appears in the doorway. “How much longer until you girls are ready?”
Becca puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me a look as if to tell me that all I need to do is give her a sign and she’ll take over from here. I shrug her off and stand up.
“We’re done,” I say. “Let’s go.”
Chapter 14
Becca tries to be a supportive friend by sticking to my side at the pool party when Jace is pulled away to talk motocross politics with his boss and other coworkers. But when Hana’s fiancé introduces us to a group of twenty year old muscular motocross racers, I put on a carefree smile and tell her she should follow them into the hot tub.
“No way, I’m not leaving you,” she says, but the way her eyes follow the guy’s backsides as they walk away tells me she’s already mentally gone anyhow.
“Please do,” I say, giving her a little shove in that direction. “I’m fine, really.”
“I don’t know…” she hesitates.
I make my smile more convincing. Hell, my fake smile has reached such convincing proportions maybe I’ll start to believe it. “Go. I’m grateful for your help but you drove all the way out here and I’m not going to make you suffer just for my sake.”
“Okay but I’m here if you need me.”
“I know.”
Hana and Ash take turns pushing each other off a donut-shaped pool toy in the middle of the water. My boyfriend is still stuck talking with his boss and although I could go stand with him, I’m afraid someone will ask me something and I’ll be too emotionally distraught to answer. So I head to the shallow end of the pool and sit on the edge, letting my bare feet dangle in the water. I lean back on my palms, tilting my face toward the sky as I pretend to soak up the last remaining rays of sunshine.
The fear of possibly being pregnant weighs
heavily on my mind. Out of both terrible things that happened to me today, it’s completely obvious that my late period is the one I should be worried about. Those stupid emails happened months ago and my late period is happening right now. But I can’t let the emails go.
I can’t stop thinking about the very real fact that my boyfriend has naked photos of another girl on his computer. Why would he bother giving me a key to his apartment if he still has stuff like that from his past? Why would he plan a future with me and convince me to go to college and arrange a job at the track if he still has girls on the side?
Oh god. My stomach, which may or may not be implanted with Jace’s child, tightens into a painful knot. If I’m pregnant then I can kiss my future goodbye. My future job, my education…none of it is attainable if I have to raise a baby.
I glance up from the pool and lock eyes with Jace. He’s all the way across the backyard but I think he smiles at me. I can’t be sure. All I know is that I can’t be here anymore. All of these happy people with their carefree lives and their stupid laughter that keeps getting louder. People don’t cry at pool parties and that’s exactly what I’ll do if I stay here any longer.
I push myself up from the edge of the pool and slide my sandals on, not even bothering to dry off my feet. I don’t glance at Jace and I don’t look for Becca.
I just run.
Hana’s house is next door to the motocross track. I’m all the way through the thin line of trees that separate the two and crossing over the wooden bridge that enters into the park by the time I start to run out of breath. Dirt sticks to my wet feet and rubs painfully inside my sandals but I keep running anyhow. I don’t look back. No one calls my name or runs after me. I doubt anyone noticed that I left.
The sun begins to fade, dipping behind the trees at the edge of the motocross track. My legs slow to a walk and then my body stops completely. This place is creepy at dusk. All the massive dirt jumps are shadowed and transformed into eerie lurking monsters. The massive metal bleachers look uninviting and scary without any people around.