by Amy Lord
State-supported funerals for those killed by the former regime continue. The Acting Home Secretary, Caleb Morris, has pledged funds for a memorial in Hyde Park that will pay tribute to all the disappeared.
In other news, a diplomatic mission has been sent to Russia, where it is suspected the First General is in hiding with two of his sons.
My father put his hand on my shoulder.
‘It’s time to go, Clara. The car is outside. Caleb will be waiting.’
I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. Simon was everywhere. I could still feel him in the apartment, on the streets we used to walk every day. I still expected to see him each time I turned a corner. His shoes waited by the door, but I couldn’t bring myself to put them away.
The television fell silent and my father took my hand. I swam back out of my memories, into the light. Every line on my father’s face reminded me of the time we’d lost, of all the love that was gone.
‘It’s time, Clara.’ He squeezed my hand.
I tucked it through his arm and let him lead me out of the apartment, onto the street outside, where a sleek black car was waiting. Waiting, with a crowd of people all dressed in black. As we walked towards the car, they began to whisper. I couldn’t make out their words at first. It was his name: they whispered Simon’s name, and the names of a thousand others all lost to us.
*
We teach our children that history is always written by the victors. But now, when we stand at the front of a lecture hall, all those expectant faces turned towards us, we only tell the truth, as we have lived it.
We don’t shy away from the pain, the darkness, the shame of it. We remember the world before this happened. It wasn’t perfect, but if we’re ever to reconstruct it, we need them to understand the reasons why. We need them to remember the ones we lost; whichever side they were on.
I don’t need to choose the texts I share with my students. They chose me. They’ve been there, throughout my story, waiting for the moment that they can reach out to another generation. We find meaning in the words.
I walk into the classroom, my students already gathered there, chatting amongst themselves. They see me arrive and begin to settle down as I arrange my things on the desk at the front. I come around it and perch on the edge, preferring to remove that barrier between us.
In my hands I hold a book.
‘Okay everyone, today we’re going to be reading Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell. I hope you all managed to get hold of a copy from the bookshop.’
I could have laughed at the novelty as they pulled them from their bags, running their hands over the covers, over the fresh ink. We weren’t in black and white any more.
‘Right, who wants to begin?’
Acknowledgements
Crowdfunding a book is all about taking your readers on a journey with you through the publication process, and it has certainly been an adventure. Heartfelt thanks go to each person who pledged for this book and helped to make my dream of becoming a published author a reality. I can never thank you enough, but I hope you understand how much I appreciate your contribution.
And while I’m talking about crowdfunding, one of the main reasons I got through the process was the support of the Unbound Social Club. Thanks to you all; reading your books has been a delight!
But before there was Unbound, I spent many years working on this book. I’m fortunate to know other talented writers and offer thanks to those who gave feedback on the early drafts of this book: Frankie Thompson and particularly Martin Feekins, for being a friend and for offering your time and insights to help me improve this book.
My friend Louise, I don’t think you realise it, but in allowing me to spend the last few years tagging along with you to gigs and events, you’ve filled a hole in my life that has brought so much creativity and joy to it. Thank you!
And for Yaffa, thanks for being an early supporter of this book and for graciously arranging my first author event. You’re much missed.
Thanks also go to James and Laura from Writers’ Block NE. I loved being a part of the programme while writing my next book. And without WBNE, I wouldn’t have ended up joining my current writing group, who have been a great source of writing chat, support and inspiration. Thank you Lisette, Mary, Marita, Katharine and Lindsay. I’m looking forward to talking about writing with you all for a long time to come.
A huge thank you goes to Kwaku Osei-Afrifa for commissioning this novel. I don’t usually thank people for making me cry at work, but you made my day (and possibly a large chunk of my life) by giving me an opportunity to publish this book. You’re a star!
Thanks also go to the rest of the team at Unbound, particularly Sara Magness and Xander Cansell for their support in the run up to publication. And thanks to Craig and Andrew for being wonderful editors – this book is in much better shape than it was due to your guidance and advice.
Two literary awards also played a big part in helping me with this book. Thanks to the Bath Novel Award team and also New Writing North for choosing this novel to win a Northern Writers’ Award, which allowed me to take part in The Literary Consultancy’s Free Reads scheme.
Thanks also to my friends, family and colleagues for their support over the years and particularly to those who pledged for this book. I couldn’t have done it without you.
And for Ste, because this book simply would not exist without you. Thank you for being such a supportive husband, for listening to me rambling about this book, about crowdfunding and about my hopes and fears. And thanks for understanding that sometimes I disappear, when my head is lost in whatever story I’m working on, and for giving me the time I needed to complete this book.
Additional credits
The author would like to acknowledge the financial support of a New Writing North, Northern Writers’ Award, supported by The Literary Consultancy, Northumbria University and Arts Council England.
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Dan Allick
Helen Anderson
Karen Attwood
Lisette Auton
Sharon Barker
Bath Novel Award
Paul Breen
Stephanie Bretherton
Claire Buchan
Lesley Burdett
Miles Campbell
Lindsay Cannon
Henry Carden
Mark Ciccone
Ann Cofell
Peter Cumiskey
Melissa Davies
Laura Degnan
Rachel Doherty
Pauline Durie
Robert Eardley
Kathryn Eastman
James Ellis
Hannah Grey
Alex Griffiths
Craig Griffiths
Claire Handscombe
David Hanratty
Sam Haysom
Jennifer Heil
Grace Helmer
Amanda Hodgson
Kaye Hudson
Karen Hutchinson
Amanda Johnson
Helen Johnson
Holly Johnson
Amanda Kenmir
Ruth King
Chloe Lawrence
Ewan Lawrie
Allan Lord
James Lord
Will Mackie
Gwen McGinty
Glen McNamee
Lyndsey Middleton
Simon Miller
Trevor Millum
Kathleen Moore
Christina Morrison
Alex Murdie
Samantha Murdie
Carlo Navato
Robert Nichols
Ros O’Sullivan
Annemarie O’Donnell
Elizabeth Ottosson
Yaffa Phillips
Aileen Quealy
Paul Robinson
Colin Robson
Lynsey Searle
Joanell Serra
Ste Sharp
Lucy Sinclair
Jennie Smith
Tony Stowe
Julie Sykes
Angela Thomas
Sue Thomas
Emma Todd
Dan Turner
Alexandra Turney
Paul Vickers
Alison Watson-Shields
Hannah Whelan
Jule Wilson
Joshua Winning