Becoming A Butterfly

by Mia Castile

  Though she’ll never admit it.

  That’s the reason she hides,

  Behind eyes laced with lies.

  She thinks

  My heart is stone

  And my words

  Are made of rubber.

  She doesn’t know

  Her words burn through me,

  Leaving me severed.

  But that’s what

  She won’t understand;

  All she knows

  Is how to pretend.

  Now everyone can see

  Her eyes laced with lies.

  She thinks

  She needs it,

  So someone can love her.

  She’ll never understand

  That I could always see her.

  I wonder

  If she’ll ever realize

  How beautiful

  She is to me.

  And that’s the reason

  I hide behind

  My eyes laced with lies.

  I turned and faced him. It was raw, beautiful, and gave me chills. He was staring at my ceiling. Without saying another word to me, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, grabbed his drink, and left my room. Unable to speak, I just watched him.

  Chapter 17

  I listened to his song over and over, trying to find the metaphor in the lyrics. There had to be one. It was obviously about me. Hello, Laced with lies, who else would it be about? Then I berated myself for feeling so self-important. I wanted to text him, call him, go to his house and demand to know why he was so. . . so. . . so weird. But I was scared, too. I sat at my computer and decided to hack into the school database. After thirty minutes, though, it hadn’t calmed me in the slightest, and my phone dinged anyway, so I shut down my computer. It was a text message from Henry, to me, Lacey, not me, Farrah. I was beginning to get confused juggling this other persona.

  Idk what’s wrong with me. Sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m with someone, and you are too. It wasn’t fair to us or them. I won’t bug you anymore.

  I dropped my head against my desk with a thud. In the process of three days, I had managed go from non-existent, to being noticed, almost kissed, back to non-existent. I rocked. I didn’t even respond. My head was swimming. What could I do? I didn’t want to call Jade or Tasha. After lunch, I was afraid I wasn’t their favorite person, and if I told them what had happened, I was afraid they’d completely turn their backs on me. I decided to give up on this day. It had started out so promising and had so many wonderful moments, and at the same time, horrible catastrophes. I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed at eight-thirty. And I murmured to myself, sounding like Scarlett O’Hara: “Tomorrow is another day.”

  Thank God for Friday, but not for missing my alarm and oversleeping. I barely made it out the door in time; but I did and was greeted with a loud “LOSER!” from the backseat of Byron’s car. Henry didn’t look at me. I expected as much. I doubted he would ever talk to me again. I had to figure out a way to tell him it was all going to be OK. At least I hoped it would be OK. Who was I to say? My oldest friends in the world were punishing me for something they had a hand in. My newest friend was so hot and cold he was giving me third degree burns and hypothermia at the same time. I just had to figure out how to survive. I decided that I would tell Henry who I really was at the end of Stacey Gibson’s party. My plan was to show him how much I liked him and how much we had in common, and then take him aside and explain to him what I wasn’t sure I could—and that was why. I had a few weeks to figure out the why. I also decided that I needed to back off a little from him as Farrah. I figured if I could put some distance between us, it wouldn’t hurt so bad if he decided that it was too much. I hated to admit that I thought Jade might, possibly, by chance, be right about my behavior. I didn’t know how I would admit that to her, but I was going to, and I was going to tell her my plan. I hoped she would approve. I also intended to give her my blessing to go for Chase. Saturday would be the perfect opportunity for them to fall into place with each other, and in love, too. I had to find a way to mend things with him. I was determined though. He was becoming important to me, but I still wasn’t completely sure why.

  Tasha met me at my locker. “You and Jade have to make up. I can’t take all this being in the middle stuff. It feels like her parents are getting divorced all over again. Only it’s totally different this time. I see her side, and I see your side, but then I see my side, even though I don’t really have a side. I’m stressed, and finals are in two weeks.” I put my hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes.

  “Breathe in.” She did. “Breathe out.” She did. “Calm down; I have a plan.” She looked at me wearily, and I looped my arm through hers, and we made our way down the hall. Chase stood in his usual stairwell entry, leaning against the wall watching the crowd pass. He was wearing a dark blue work shirt open over his T-shirt. That was new—for school. I slowed when our eyes met. “You go on; I’ll catch up,” I said, patting Tasha on the shoulder. She looked at Chase then simply nodded to me. I took a deep breath and walked over to him. He ignored me.

  “Can we talk?” He glanced at me and returned his steely gaze to the hallway. “Please,” I pleaded. He straightened up and went through the door. I followed him. Instead of going up, he went down to the basement. The door was locked. It was always locked, but he leaned against it and just looked at me. I wasn’t intimidated by his blank stare. I was now immune to it, used to it, so I sat down on the steps. We stayed in the stairwell; I waited until the last of the footsteps had faded, and the doors were no longer slamming before I started in. I was going to let him have it—my honesty that is. I took a deep breath.

  “I’m not sure what happened. Somewhere along the way, you’ve become one of my closest friends.” He rolled his eyes. “You told me you liked me for me, not who I pretended to be. Well, I like you for you. I know we do this whole banter thing, and you keep me on my toes, but if I were being honest, I kind of enjoy it, but I have to know what you’re thinking and feeling. You don’t like Henry, for whatever reason—”

  “I’ve never said I don’t like Henry,” he interrupted and glared at me.

  “Your words may not have said it, but your actions do. In the past few weeks I’ve spent enough time with you that I think I know you pretty well, and you know me too.” His eyes softened, but he still held my gaze. “You don’t like him, but I do, and for some reason he likes me; he just doesn’t fully know it yet.” I couldn’t look at him anymore. “I hope that when this is all over, he will forgive me, and give me a chance. I’m not sure if I deserve it, but I’ve crushed on him since forever, and this is my opportunity to be happy. I hope you can support me in that. Like I said, you’ve become one of my closest friends, and I don’t want to lose you, but I want you to understand: things can’t be how they have been the past few days.” I put my hands in my lap and laced my fingers. He looked at a crack between the concrete and cinder blocks like it was the most interesting thing in the world. The second bell had long since sounded. I knew we were down her for the duration of first period, which I could only assume was at least twenty more minutes. He was silent for what felt like forever. And just when I decided to give up and try to get into class, he began.

  “It’s really hard for me to trust people—especially people I haven’t known for very long. It’s weird with you. I know we started out with this arrangement, but you have turned out to be completely different from what I thought you would be. You’re brave and surprisingly honest, and I find myself telling you things I haven’t even told some of my closest friends, so I agree I don’t want to lose what we have. When I care about something, though, I want to protect it, and I feel like I need to protect you. You have no idea what something like this could do to you if it blows up in your face. You’re risking a lot.”

  “Maybe I feel that way because I’m watching it from the outside. I mean, Lacey, come on, look at how fast the kids at my old school figured it out. All it takes is
one person telling someone from our school. Then everyone will know. And Jade was right; you’re playing with Henry’s emotions. That’s not fair, so yeah I’m going to give you shit when I see you flirting with him.” He squatted in front of me and took my hands in his. “I don’t doubt that he’s falling for you,” he said in a hushed tone as he looked up into my eyes. “Anyone who gets to know you will realize how amazing you are, but you’re going to hurt him, and he, in turn, is going to hurt you. That is what I have a problem with. I want you to be happy, with the right person, and if you have to lie to him, then he’s not the right person.” Chase was so sincere. I felt my eyes getting round and glassy as he stared up into them. “It’s just not worth it.” He traced the top of my hand with his calloused fingers. I couldn’t feel the roughness of his hands; I only felt his delicate touch.

  “I have a plan,” I whispered. “It’s going to be over soon, one way or another.” He looked down at our hands and let out a deep sigh. His messy hair covered his face, so I couldn’t see his expression.

  “Whatever it is, I’ll help you.” He looked back up at me. “You kept your end of our bargain, and I’ll keep mine.”

  “Thank you.” I pulled him close to me in a hug, and he held me tight. Then the bell rang.

  Chapter 18

  It seemed like we couldn’t let each other go. We hugged until the warning bell rang, and when he finally pulled away from me, my silent tears had darkened his shoulder. I wiped my eyes and sniffed.

  “Don’t cry. We’re OK.” He looked up at me tenderly. I simply nodded. We both stood and went up the stairs to the busy hallway. He gave me one last nod before he turned and went down the hall in the opposite direction from me. I took a deep breath and mentally checked Chase off my check list. I decided to make Henry my next priority. At my locker, I grabbed my books, but before I closed my locker I sent him a text.

  We need to talk. His response was,

  Lunch?

  Perfect.

  I hadn’t quite figured out what I would say, but I knew I had to convince him to remain my friend. I fidgeted all morning while I waited and watched the clock. It couldn’t come soon enough. He met me at my locker and suddenly it felt like it was happening too fast.

  “We shouldn’t do this,” he said, shifting on his feet.

  “We kind of have to,” I replied as I put my books up.

  “Fine, let’s go out to the football field then.” I nodded. I didn’t want an audience or witnesses any more than he did. We walked side by side in silence, our shoulders slumped, hands in pockets. Finally, when we reached the bleachers, we sat down on the first seat and turned toward each other. We both looked down, me at my hands in my lap, him at a wad of chewing gum that had been ground into the grass.

  “I’m sorry,” he began.

  “No, you don’t get to take the blame for this. I’m sorry. It was my fault. Can we just forget it happened? Because really, nothing happened,” I stammered. He looked up at me confused.

  “I’m not stupid; we almost kissed. I wanted to kiss you.” My heart felt like it did what cartoon characters did when they fell in love, beat out of my chest in a large heart shape stretching my shirt with it.

  “But we didn’t; we’re becoming friends, and I like that. I’m not ready for that to end.” I looked out across the field to the backyards of several houses. Some of them were brick, some had siding, some had patios, some had decks, some I couldn’t see because they had privacy fences. Every house was different; every house had sat there for years. I’d come to countless games during football seasons. This was the first time I’d ever really looked at those houses.

  “I have to tell Farrah,” he exhaled, almost admitting the defeat of our friendship. Maybe he felt the same way. “If I lose her, I’m not sure if I could forgive myself.” My heart found the normal rhythm again.

  “Let me; it was my fault. I want to fix this,” I said hurriedly.

  “No way; it’s my relationship on the line.”

  “You don’t trust me?” Maybe I should have said you shouldn’t trust me. But that only made sense to me; he didn’t know he shouldn’t trust me—yet. “All the more reason it should come from me first. I’ve known her longer.” He thought about it and made me nervous the way he was debating silently with furrowed eyebrows, and his lips pursed in concentration.

  “Fine. Ask her to call me when you’re done. That way I know I can talk to her about it. I’ll let you tell her first, but I’m still going to talk to her about it if she’ll listen to me.”

  “OK,” I said.

  In hindsight, he had just given me an out. As Farrah, I could have thrown a fit and broken up with him, no harm no foul. He actually expected it. He was preparing himself for it. But unlike Chase, I was too close to the situation and couldn’t see through my blinders past my nose, so I stuck with my plan. Maybe a small part of me wanted him to see me take off the wig and say something to me like, “It doesn’t matter what you look like or who you are, I’ve fallen in love with you, and you’re what matters. I want to be with only you.” I hoped. Hope is a beautiful creature. You hang on when there is hope, grasping for any proof that you can interpret for your benefit. Hope allows you to strive for more. Hope enables dreams to come true because you’re always watching and looking for your hope to be revealed as something tangible. I hoped.

  We walked back to school, all talked out, the silence making my skin crawl. He gave me a nod and left me standing just inside the doors. I took a deep breath and found myself wandering to my locker. My phone buzzed in my back pocket. I took it out, and under the Google app, Henry had sent me, as Farrah, a text.

  I need to talk to you as soon as possible. Don’t talk to anyone, especially Lacey, before you talk to me.

  Frowning, I stuffed it back into my pocket. Who did he think he was? He lied to me, specifically told me he’d wait for me. But he didn’t. He lied. I know I said that but it bore repeating. This was major. I put it in the back of my mind. I didn’t respond to him. I wanted to slam my head into my locker. I couldn’t quite mark Henry off the checklist, and I was absolutely ready to.

  After school I worked for my parents, and I turned my phone off after ignoring two phone calls from Henry, and by the time I made it home, I was exhausted mentally and physically. I didn’t feel like company, but I had two more names to cross off the checklist of friends I’d wronged. Tasha technically wasn’t on the list, but she would remain loyal to Jade if it came down to it. I didn’t like that, but I knew it was true. I took a long bubble bath while the house was empty. Lana was spending the night with Nana. She’d been doing that a lot lately. I wondered if there was comfort she received there that she wasn’t getting from us at home. While I had a moment of peace, I took advantage of it, slipping down until I felt the surface of the water ring a circle around my cheeks, touching the edges of my eyes and just below my lips. I floated as the water rippled around me. I felt weightless even though the world seemed to be crushing in on me. My radio played in the background. Under the water it had a deeper sound, rumbling desperately to fill my ears. I wanted to stay here forever, floating in limbo between reality and escape. Finally, my fingers resembled raisins and my skin felt water logged. I drained the water, wrapped myself in a towel, and went into my room. I had begun to appreciate the closed blinds. I used to dress only in my bathroom, and now I regularly walked around my room in my skivvies. The closed blinds might just stay for good. I got dressed and went downstairs to wait for my friends. I texted Jade and asked her to get drive-thru since my parents weren’t home yet, either of them. I thought that was strange but didn’t worry about it. The girls arrived a while later with Steak ’n’ Shake. We settled in the great room and ate our food in silence except for occasional gossip from Tasha.

  “Did Lana tell you when cheer camp was?” Tasha asked, as she slurped on her strawberry smoothie.

  “The end of June? I heard my mom talking about it. I guess they wanted to go to Cancun for their anniversary, but no
w they don’t want to leave me here alone. I don’t know what the big deal is though. I could totally hang out for a week all by myself,” I said as I rolled my eyes and scraped my fry through the cheese sauce before I rushed it to my mouth.

  “You could stay with me and Mom if they didn’t want you to stay alone. That’s not fair to them. Isn’t it like their fifteenth anniversary?” Jade asked.

  “Um, I’m sixteen, so, no, it’s their eighteenth,” I laughed. “They haven’t taken a vaca alone since their tenth, I think. I’ll talk to my mom and suggest it. They definitely deserve it.” I paused and looked at the ceiling for a moment before continuing. “Speaking of things deserved, you deserve an apology, Jade.” She practically choked on her slushie, and Tasha giggled. “I’m not going to go for Henry as myself until Farrah is out of the picture. But,” I said, holding up my finger to make sure she knew I wasn’t done. “I’m not going to do anything until Stacey’s party. Please trust me.”