by Mia Castile
“That will be her entire summer,” I said, covering my mouth. Chase put his arm around me, and I leaned into him. My mom looked at me sternly, warning me that I had said enough. Did she blame me for this?
“We want her to be healthy,” my dad answered quietly. The doctor nodded. That was it; we had to wait now; we couldn’t do any more.
Chapter 26
Chase took me home. We sat in his car by the curb for a while. With the windows down, I just listened to the crickets singing their songs. I didn’t know if he wanted to go home, but I wasn’t ready to go inside. I could see shadows cast against the windows, and I knew my parents were moving around the house, pacing from worry over my sister, I imagined. Their disappointment and blame were evident on their faces as they lectured me at the hospital; they were right in their blame. I should have told someone; I shouldn’t have kept it a secret. I shouldn’t have pushed her off all those weeks. This was my regret and my fault. I would have to live with it.
“How did you know what to do?” I asked, looking out the window at my home, which would never be the same for me. Chase took a deep breath.
“When I was in rehab, there was this guy; we called him Spanky because, instead of chewing crazy packs of gum or smoking cigarettes, he became addicted to something else.” He looked at me pointedly, and I returned his gaze with wide eyes. He continued, “Anyway, after I was there for a few weeks, he had managed a way to smuggle in some PCP. I heard that was his drug of choice, but I guess he took too much and began hallucinating. I found him in the showers. He had turned on the water and slit his wrists. Not just once like Lana, like three or four times. Sometimes I still wake up seeing him lying there, naked, covered in blood. I yelled for help but stood there helpless. The orderlies and nurses did to him what I did to Lana. That’s how I knew what to do.”
“You saved her life.” I watched him.
“I didn’t save his,” he said, putting his head down. “That was when I decided I’d never do drugs or drink again. I couldn’t save him, but he saved me.” Then he looked at me, his face an open book, full of pain, regret, loneliness, and forsakenness. “I’ve never told anyone that.” I wanted to convey to him that he could trust me. “Lacey—” he began, but I heard the storm door squeak open. My mom stood in the doorway looking at us, piercing us with her gaze.
“I’ll call you later?” I asked. He nodded. I hugged him. I held onto him tightly. He smelled like soap and fabric softener still; there was just a bit of an iron smell to him now. A tear escaped my eye. We parted, and I stood on the sidewalk as he pulled away.
I didn’t go to school the next day. I spent it milling around my room most of the day after I helped my mom clean up the bloody bathroom, hallway, and stairs. I thought it was only fair since I tracked most of the blood through the house. She spoke to me only in short clipped sentences, barking orders or telling me I was doing something wrong. Was I ever grateful for hardwood floors though?
Finally, I went downstairs and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, comfort food. My mom, lounging on the couch, looked up from her book momentarily.
“You should have told us when you found her cutting herself,” she said as she returned to her book. She had brought up Lana all day. I had a feeling that this would go on for a long time. I didn’t blame her really. It was my fault.
“I know that now. She trusted me; I didn’t want to betray that. I would have told you though, had I known this was what she intended,” I sighed and leaned on the island toward her.
“I’m not saying this is your fault, but you could have prevented it.” I stood up straight and just stared at her. Did she just say that out loud? “That came out wrong. What I meant to say was, next time tell an adult; don’t try to fix it on your own. She was in a very dark place if she thought her only option was to end her life. Thank God Chase was there.” That was all she said. I stood there silently for a few more minutes before I retreated toward my room. As I went down the hall, the doorbell rang. I answered and there stood Jade and Tasha. I opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. Their expressions told me they had heard about Lana. Before I could say anything, they closed in around me and hugged me tightly to them.
“We’re sorry,” Jade whispered jaggedly in my ear before the tears took over.
“It’s squashed; you’re too important to us,” Tasha seconded.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too,” I said, hugging them both, fighting the tears that swam in my eyes. They came in, and in my room I told them the whole horrible story. We cried, we felt relief that she would be fine, and we wondered how this would change her. It had already changed me.
My mom wouldn’t let me stay out of school another day. I had to prepare for finals, and honestly, there was only so much video-gaming and lounging I could do. I returned to hushed whispers and watching eyes. I imagined they assumed I was suicidal too. Then there were the surprises like Stacey Gibson, telling me she was praying for Lana and my family and if I needed to talk, she was around. Jade, Tasha, and Chase didn’t leave me alone. Chase picked me up, and one of them was with me all day long. I felt like my secret service needed to be fired. I didn’t want to be handled; I wanted to be treated like a normal person. It didn’t matter because after a few classes, everything melted away. My mind kept replaying all the conversations, all the warning signs, all the times I called her a brat when she was trying to reach out to me. My mind kept seeing her lying on the floor. What if Chase hadn’t been there with me? Would I have been so shocked and scared that I would have lost my only sister?
“But I was there,” he answered my voiced thought. “Stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t trained to know the warning signs.” I shrugged. We sat on the bleachers as kids chased each other around the track. Coach had given me a “get out of jail free” card and wasn’t making me run. I was getting a lot of pity from teachers and guidance counselors too. I didn’t mind in gym, but it bothered me in the other classes. “When does she get to come home?”
“Not for a while. They’ve already told me I can’t go see her till Sunday, even though my parents get to go Friday. But they say she’s doing better.” He nodded. “My mom blames me,” I said, sitting on my hands and shrugging. “She all but came out and said it yesterday. It shouldn’t have happened, Chase. It’s my fault.” I couldn’t look at his eyes even though I knew they were trying to convey some comfort to me.
“Lacey, you have to stop—” but I interrupted him by standing and walking down the bleachers. I didn’t want to hear it wasn’t my fault. I wanted to wallow in my shame and sorrow. I hid the rest of the period in the girls’ locker room.
I thought the idle droning of school would take my mind off things, but the next day I found myself suffocating. The final bell couldn’t ring fast enough. I realized that I was the one avoiding everyone. Henry’s texts to me as Lacey and as Farrah, Tasha and Jade at lunch and in the hallways, and Chase. I left for school early to ensure I wouldn’t have to ride with him. As soon as school was over, I left town and went to another suburb ten minutes away. I found Ellis Park in Danville. I hiked up a hill to the old railroad bridge. The trail was hidden, and you couldn’t find it unless you knew it was there. No one had used the old bridge for decades unless you counted the stoner kids that went up there to get high, but I just wanted to get away. I slumped down against the crumbling concrete and buried my head in my hands. When I thought the tears couldn’t come any more, a new wave washed away the old ones. I determined in that moment that I would make it up to my sister and be the best big sister anyone could have. I would protect her, I would include her, I would pry into her life even when she stomped her feet and told me she hated me. No person deserved to feel this way. Every life was precious, vital, and important.
It was dusk by the time I returned to my car. My phone displayed several missed calls from my dad and my friends. In message after message, their panic grew as no one could locate me. I looked at the clock and
saw that it was approaching eight p.m. Oops. I called my dad and told him I was OK and on my way. I arrived home to find my mom had locked herself in their bedroom, and my dad looked disheveled.
“Where were you?” he boomed, red-faced. His clothes were wrinkled and creased, even though I had explained to him on the phone where I was.
“I just needed some time alone,” I said.
“No one needs to be alone right now.” His voice softened as he looked up at the ceiling.
“How is she?” I asked, going to the counter and selecting an apple.
“She woke up today. They said she was emotional and wanted to see us.” He choked a little on those words.
“Join the club,” I said. I retreated to my room and checked emails. I had a ton of messages from my friends and Henry. I decided to take care of him first and then the others. I logged into Status Quo as Farrah and sent him a message. He wasn’t online. I mentally put on my mask because Farrah’s sister hadn’t just tried to kill herself.
Farrah Leevar: Hey, are you around?
Then I waited, and waited, and waited. I was about to log off when:
Henry Emmitt: Yeah sorry, was on the phone. What’s up?
Farrah Leevar: Not much, just crazy busy with finals. U?
Henry Emmitt: Same, did you hear about Lacey’s sister Lana?
Farrah Leevar: Yeah
Henry Emmitt: It’s so sad. I had just seen her, like Friday. She seemed fine.
I didn’t respond, so he continued.
Henry Emmitt: I guess she went psycho at school Monday. They said her room was trashed and all slashed like she took a butcher knife to it, and she bled all through the house. I saw Lacey and Chase right after the ambulance left. They were covered in blood.
I took a deep breath. It was all I could do to keep myself from stomping over to his house and dragging him through my house to show him that none of that was true. OBVIOUSLY it wasn’t true.
Farrah Leevar: That’s not what happened. She only bled in the bathroom. Chase saved her life. That’s why they were covered in her blood.
Henry Emmitt: Oh well, that’s what everyone is saying.
Farrah Leevar: Well, everyone should shut up.
Henry Emmitt: I don’t want to fight. I know you’re close to Lacey. I care about her too. I’m excited to see you Saturday though.
Farrah Leevar: Me too.
I wasn’t.
Chapter 27
As the days wore on, I began to feel better. On Friday afternoon, Lana called my cell phone and we talked for a long time. We cried, apologized to each other, and promised to be better sisters because of all of this. I made sure to tell her that I never hated her and would make it up to her. She wanted to come home. I wanted her to come home and promised to visit her Sunday morning for as long as she wanted me to. I hadn’t had a chance to go shopping for the party, the party that I didn’t want to go to for so many reasons. So many things had changed in the course of a week. I was afraid that if I lost one more thing, I would be lost forever in a pit of despair. I’d made the decision, though, and given myself a deadline. Stacey’s party was D-day. I relaxed as Jade, Tasha, and I escaped into Debs, Hot Topic, and Aeropostale. Once we had the perfect outfit, a short, hot, dark-brown, spaghetti-strap dress with glitter scattered through a stiff mesh overskirt, I found a baby blue scarf that would look pretty around my wrist. The shoes were wedged sandals. Then we got mani/pedis at a nail salon. Chase and his band mates were going to meet us at the party. The good thing about Stacey Gibson’s house was that it was only a block away from my house—less than that if we cut through the alley, which we planned to do. There was no way I could drive my car over there anyway. Our Friday night sleepover was full of comfort food and feel-good movies. I was beginning to feel normal again.
On Saturday we spent the day giving ourselves a spa day. We made mud masks and layered lotions and creams all day long. We exfoliated and loofahed to make the skin on our bodies glow. Tasha put her hair up in curlers that stayed there all day. Jade curled hers with a flat iron, and I pulled mine into a tight bun on top of my head. My parents left early in the morning and spent the whole day at the hospital with Lana. I wasn’t worried about sneaking out my mom’s wig. Finally, we were ready to go, looking like some hot mamas if I did say so myself. Tasha wore a slim, tight red dress, Jade wore black shorts and a black top, and I wore my outfit with brown-colored contacts that made my grey eyes simmer dully to a forgetful color. We left the house, and my nerves were on end. This was it. Moment of truth.
We walked up to the house, the party already in full swing. I could hear the loud DJ music playing. I was glad that it was dusk and no one looked too closely at me. I felt like I was going to a costume party, but I was the only one dressed. My hands trembled as I texted Henry as Farrah and told him I was there; he texted back to stay where I was. Chase’s car pulled up, and the entire band piled out of it. He looked at me from across the street; his eyes hid something though as he gave me tight smile and went on in to the party without a word to me. Tasha and Jade met Evan and the rest of the boys by the gate to the back yard. There were tiki torches burning along the walkway and Christmas lights strung along the fence. I stood by the oak tree by myself, waiting. Then, I felt a warm soft hand in mine.
“Hi. Finally,” Henry whispered in my ear from behind. My heart slammed from the pit of my stomach into my throat.
“Hi, yourself,” I said, unable to hide the smile or extra breath from my voice.
“Can I get a hug?” He stood beside me smiling into my eyes. I had to look away. I wondered if he interpreted it as shy, but it was nerves and guilt. And fear that he would see the real me before I was ready to show him. Everything about him was open and accepting to me. I couldn’t believe I was pulling it off. I nodded, and he hugged me tightly to him. He smelled like sunshine after a rain, like every good memory piled into one, like this was where I was supposed to be for the rest of my life. “I can’t believe this is actually happening,” he whispered in my ear.
“Me either.”
“Introduce us,” Byron boomed from a house down the block. He walked with his sister Bea, who wore a pink ballerina dress and a tiara. Stacey’s party had long since graduated from an actual pool party. No one swam—well, except me when I was always dumped into the pool at the end of the party. That’s how you usually knew the party was over. What time is it? Half past Lacey in the pool. Henry beamed.
“This is Farrah. Farrah, these are my best friends Byron and Bea.” They shook my hand like they were really interested in me.
“Be good to our Henry. He only deserves the best.” Bea smiled sweetly.
“Of course.” I nodded.
“Shall we?” Byron asked, pointing toward the tiki torched path. We followed them, and Henry squeezed my hand encouragingly.
As we entered, a hush came across the party. The DJ continued spinning, but all eyes turned to us. After a few minutes, they returned to their conversations, but I was grateful for the dim lighting. I was sure my face was as crimson as Tasha’s dress. Chase watched me from across the room. I stole glances at him too, reading encouragement in his eyes sometimes and dread the other times our eyes met.
“Do you want something to drink?” Henry leaned over and asked me. Bea ignored him and continued the long lecture she’d began once we entered the party over an hour ago, filling me in on who everyone was and the latest gossip about them. I wasn’t much on conversation with Bea for obvious reasons, but I’m not sure she noticed. She just wanted the spectacle of being on the infamous Farrah’s side. I turned to Henry and nodded, and he took my hand and led me to the refreshment table. “Looks like we got Bud, MGD, spiked punch, or a mixed drink—though I only know how to put vodka with juice—oh, and water.” He held up a bottled water. I took that, thanking him. He grabbed an MGD. We moved around the pool and stood by ourselves. People were dancing and laughing and playing games. I felt safe, like I had pulled it off. Henry didn’t take his eyes off me. I surv
eyed the party, unable to meet his gaze. From this view, the party was a success. Stacey should be pleased, another year come and gone. She pranced around from one conversation to the next, being the perfect hostess. I kept Chase in my peripheral vision. Knowing he was there calmed me for some reason. Henry drank his beer at a steady pace. I knew I had to tell him now, before he actually got drunk, before he figured it out for himself, but instead we stood there, a bit awkward. Without warning he turned back to the table and grabbed another beer, tossing the empty bottle in the trash at the same time. I’d never seen him drink before. I wondered if he was really nervous or something, but that didn’t make sense. Thinking he might be nervous made me suddenly anxious and fidgety. The awkwardness grew as if it were a blanket enclosing us. This wasn’t the Farrah he was used to. He began to rock back and forth on his feet.