“Was there no one here who knew me?”
“The people you knew that passed are elsewhere.”
He doesn’t clarify just which elsewhere the people I knew went to and I don’t ask. It is one of the few times in my life there is something I don’t want to know.
“So, was there adequate light residue, or whatever you called it, left on me?”
He chuckles lightly. “Fishing for a compliment about your virtue?”
I roll my eyes and wish I could punch him. “Obviously, if I was more concerned about virtuousness then I would be with my parents and not here.”
He looks at me thoughtfully as if he can read every word of my life’s story, and maybe he can. As I look at him, his presence is so familiar, comforting and a little infuriating all at the same time.
“That is not how it works you know; your parents did not get to go with the Son because of their goodness. They got to go with him because they chose him. But you were spared from the darkness because of your goodness. You are somewhere in between, in purgatory; to borrow a term from a nearly forgotten religion. You are here because of the father’s perpetual mercy and love for us. It is because of that we have not been thrown to the darkness, but rather been given another chance to choose him. Nevertheless, the dangers in this world are uniquely devastating. We must always guard our thoughts and actions, as well as watch the keepers of the light in order to stay safe from torment. You are a bit of an anomaly. The night you left the living the son bestowed upon you a gift, he comforted you with his spirit. For this reason, your light would not have run out, though I did not know the circumstances at the time.”
We arrive at the church and follow Kirra and her dad inside, as I add to the ever-growing file of information in my head now classified as Life in Purgatory. I look around the church. It is a beautiful building that, according to Kirra, is over three hundred years old. It can hold maybe hundred and fifty people in it. It is the last church left in our town. The others couldn’t afford to keep the doors open due to some tax reforms instituted about twelve years ago. At one time churches had a tax-free status, but now the government taxes all donations. They have also imposed a federal property tax on all structures of worship. Within five years of the tax restructuring, most churches were forced to close their doors. Not long after, vandals took over and now most of the former churches, synagogues and mosques are unrecognizable. Most people just gather together privately, in small groups and have services at each other’s homes. I was a little girl when all of that happened, but I remember my teacher telling me that she hoped everyone’s parents voted for the new tax laws. If not, the government would be forced to make major spending cuts. The Bureau of Education was expected to be hit the hardest. I remember her saying in her sweet kindergarten teacher voice “Wouldn’t it be sad if some schools had to shut down because there wasn’t enough money. Education is the most important thing. We need to do whatever we have to, in order to keep our country’s education system strong. All children deserve an equal opportunity to receive an education.”
I went home very motivated to make sure my parents were going to vote for the tax laws. At dinner that night I told them what my favorite teacher had said. It was the first time I remember seeing my dad lose his temper. His face got red, and he said, “what a load of crap, I’m going to call that teacher tomorrow and tell her to keep her political opinions to herself." I was horrified! I loved Mrs. Dotti, she was always nice to me and I didn’t want my dad to be upset with her. I started to cry, my dad fell silent, and my mom said “Don’t be upset honey, we know you like Mrs. Dotti and she is a very nice lady. Sometimes grownups disagree about things and that’s okay. Daddy and I feel very strongly that the government should not be taking money from churches. But we still like Mrs. Dotti. We think she is a very nice lady who is just mistaken. I promise you there is no need for you to be upset. You just leave all this stuff to the grownups and don’t worry yourself a bit.”
~~~
I move around Kirra’s church and I can feel the warm energy. It radiates even with Kirra weeping in a pew. The room is comforting and has an almost golden atmosphere. Lucius is kneeling at the altar praying and I walk up and sit in the pew behind him. I look to him and over to Kirra and I wonder how I could have missed it. All this time, I couldn’t see what was right in front of my face. I am engrossed in my own thoughts when I notice Lucius is now sitting next to me.
“It is easier to see the truth after death. The living world provides you with so many distractions. It is not hard to understand how people miss it.”
“How do you always seem to know what I’m thinking?”
Lucius laughs a soft sad laugh. “I have been here for a very long time. Even with time ebbing and flowing at its unusual bent, it has still been a very long time. It has enabled me to learn a lot about human nature and the direction of people’s thoughts.”
“How do you not get discouraged? Why are you so sure we get a second chance? I mean, what if this is all there is? What if we are stuck here for eternity? “
“I am sure because he was here, and he told me so.”
“He was here?”
Lucius smiles broadly and if I didn’t know better, I would think he lit up just a little. “Are you familiar with the story of the death and resurrection of Jesus?”
“Of course, it is one of the more unbelievable tales in the bible.”
“Well let me assure you of its validity.”
“When he died, he came here, to the lost souls and he preached to us. For three days everyone heard him, people from all religions and all backgrounds. We all saw him and heard him claim he would defeat death and that we must choose light over darkness, life over death. At that time, his statements seemed metaphorical because the in-between was not divided by lightness and darkness. We were just lost souls roaming endlessly, watching as the world carried on without us. Before the separation we could see all the hidden kindnesses of people, but we could also witness the great evils of mankind. When he came many of us automatically believed, because he brought a light that we had never seen in this place. Being in his light brought such profound peace and joy. To this day, I still cannot fathom how any soul would choose to turn away from such a feeling. To be known better than you know yourself and still loved so completely. But there were those who did just that. Their hearts were so corrupted by evil they mocked him and turned their backs on him. Even as they watched him go back to the living, they would not be swayed. They turned their ridicule to us, his followers, trying to plant seeds of fear and doubt. They said that the “so called Messiah” had abandoned us and that it did not matter if he lived because we were all still very much dead and always would be. He stayed with the living for forty days and in that time our world became incredibly turbulent. There was a feeling like the energy before a hurricane: When the planet and the people all seem to collectively speed up and then hold strong for this huge unknown force to slam into the atmosphere. Everyone could feel a change coming and the two sides argued endlessly to win over the undecided. Then, it happened, and our part of the world was transformed. The day he ascended, we all watched as his light moved to the heavens, and as it did our world was bathed in a strange opaque golden hue. For hours we saw drops of glittering, golden light fall from the heavens to the earth. We watched in amazement. Then, I heard a whisper in my ear, even though there was no one around, like quiet little reminders of his word. You must choose the light. Follow the light away from the darkness. It became clear I was not the only one to hear the whispers as all the followers began speaking what they heard. We knew we were meant to get to the light and began trying to convince the others to follow us. And that’s when the darkness manifested. It came for some quickly, like a black hole swallowing them up instantly. For others, the darkness came in sinister tendrils of black mist that slowly wrapped around them, and dragged them into whatever dark oblivion they now reside in. Every soul, regardless of if they believed or not, instinctively
knew the darkness was evil. Everyone that was not taken by the darkness fled to find the beautiful drops of light that we saw falling from the heavens. What we found were disciples, they had become vessels of the light. When they preached, the light spread, and we found more safety. Throughout the millennia the light has grown and spread all over the world, but so has the darkness.”
I sit staring at the giant, intricately carved, cherry wood cross behind the pulpit until I hear Kirra’s dad, enter the room.
“Kirra, honey, let me take you home. It’s getting late I think you should try and eat a little something and get some rest.” I look outside to the full darkness and realize time has been playing tricks on me again.
Kirra stands up and turns to her dad with swollen red eyes. “Dad, I don’t think I can eat or sleep. I am just so worried about Haven. She didn’t believe, she was a good person, and she was like a sister to me, but she couldn’t see the truth. Why would God let this happen, if she just had a little more time, I know she would have realized the truth. I… I can’t bear to think of her suffering.”
There is a pit in my stomach and a knot in my throat. I know if I could make tears, I would be crying. But all I can do is stand there and watch as Kirra sobs into her dad’s chest.
“Shh…Kirra. Calm down sweetie. You don’t know what happened the night of the accident. None of us knows how it works, but what we do know is that God is love and mercy. Do you believe that, Kirra?”
“Yes, yes, I do.”
“Okay well then have faith that God provided a way for Haven to find her way to him.” Mr. Taylor raises Kirra’s face to look her in the eyes. “God is good always, and his timing is perfect, never forget that.”
“You’re right, but I still can’t believe she’s gone. What am I going to do without her?”
“It’s going to take time. I know this a horrible loss, but we will get through this together. Let’s go home, honey.”
“But what about Mom, shouldn’t we wait for her?”
“She’s on the phone with Mr. Whitaker at the funeral home, making arrangements. Chris and Kelly made your mother and I executors of their will several years back. She asked me to go on and take you home. She won’t be far behind us.”
Lucius moves behind Kirra and her dad, then stops and turns toward me. “Are you okay, Haven?”
I nod my head woodenly up and down, even though I am definitely not okay. The thought of being saturated in Kirra’s grief suddenly seems more than I can bear.
“Would it be okay if we waited and left with Mrs. Taylor instead?”
Lucius looks at Kirra and Mr. Taylor and then to me. I know he can see that I am at a breaking point. “I think that would be okay.”
I am flooded with relief and move to the other end of the chapel to distance myself from the sight Kirra’s grief. I can feel Lucius’ presence behind me but don’t turn around.
“She will be okay, Haven. Her faith is strong.”
“I know…I just wish that I could tell her that I am alright.” I turn to him with an idea. “It must be possible. People tell ghost stories all the time.”
He raises his hand to silence me. There is an odd mixture of fear and resolve in his expression. “No! On this matter there is no discussion. It is far too risky. I will not lie and say that it cannot be done, but it is foolish and dangerous. I am sorry, Haven, but the dead are meant to keep their secrets.”
I think about arguing but admit to myself that I need to rely on his expertise in the area of purgatorial life, at least for the time being. I see his face relax when he realizes I am not going to try to dispute him, but it quickly turns to horror as Fin walks into chapel. For a split second I am so happy to see him here, I start to smile. But it doesn’t last. First, I notice the black mist trailing him licking at his body like the flame on a well-seasoned piece of firewood. There is piece wrapped around his right wrist like a vine. That’s when I notice the gun in his hand. I gasp in shock and horror. “Fin!” I start to run toward him but Lucius steps in front of me. “No, Haven, stay back he is to dangerous right now. We must leave immediately. We can still catch up with Kirra, and her father.”
I look to Fin then back to Lucius. “No, I can’t leave him. I left him when I was alive. I won’t do it again.” I walk straight through Lucius and am temporarily stunned by the explosion supernatural lights and colors. I shake it off and keep going. “Haven please” I hear the desperation in his voice, but I just can’t leave Fin again.”
I call out to him hoping by some miracle he can hear me. “Fin, what are doing? Put the gun down! This isn’t going to help anything!”
Lucius is back in front of me again. “No, Haven, this is not going to help anything! He can’t even hear you. All you are doing is putting us at risk. If he takes his life, this place will be filled with a great mass of darkness from which we will have no hope of escape.”
I look at him and I see the truth in his eyes, but I still can’t leave. “I can’t leave him, Lucius, but you can. Please get yourself to safety, I’ll find you when everything is alright. He won’t do this if I’m here. I have to believe there is some part of him that can still feel me near.”
“I cannot leave without you, Haven. You are not the only one with regrets. I will not lose another.”
I look around and see the darkness crawling in from the edges of the room, creeping up like a slow-moving fog. Then I hear whispers, they sound like a snake slithering. Only it’s not a whisper and its hurts my ears. It slashes like paper cuts to my eardrums. I can’t make out all the words; it just hurts too much, and the pitch and volume keep getting higher. I see Fin’s hand shake on the gun as he looks at the cross. Then I hear his low angry voice cut through the pain of the dark noise. “How could you take her from me? She was all I had, the only good thing here for me.” His face is distraught and angry, and in his eyes, I see total desolation. For the first time since seeing him walk into the church, I think he might actually do it. I run as close as I can get to him without getting too near the darkness, which puts me about six feet away. I start screaming at him and alternately praying for a miracle.
“Don’t you dare do it, Fin! Please, Fin I’m right here, please don’t. Oh God, please don’t let him do this…please, please, please.
I can hear more of the dark words cutting into my ears and making my head throb.
“Do it!”
“No Fin, don’t! Please put the gun down.”
“Alone”
“You’re not alone, Fin, people care, people love you.”
“No one loves you”
“Alone”
“Do it”
I look over and see Lucius praying. His lips are moving with swift gracefulness, but I can’t hear what he is saying because the dark noise is so painful. Suddenly his eyes pop open and he moves toward me. “Haven, we must leave immediately.”
I look back to Fin and he is almost completely engulfed in the dark mist. Then I see him raising the gun in his trembling hand. The screeching darkness is so loud and painful my whole body starts to shake. It feels like I am being cut all over with thin razors and I cry out even as I scream in pain.
“No, Fin, Don’t”
I can hear Lucius screaming my name and see that his face is contorted in pain also. But I think it may be too late because I feel myself falling like I am being pulled toward the darkness. I look to Fin, raising the gun like he’s in a slow-moving trance and I look to Lucius still screaming my name, reaching for me as if he can grab me and save me. I can see a cloud of dark mist opening and I feel like I am being sucked into it. I try to move back, but the pull is too strong. I look to Lucius and see the panic and agony on his face. I mouth I’m sorry, and then I scream RUN! Suddenly, four pillars of the brightest light I have ever seen shoot down through the rafters. They make the roof of the chapel invisible where the light is shining through and it extends up farther than my eyes can see. When I look into the light, I see images shifting and taking shape, suddenly I real
ize I am looking at four angels. I look around the room to see that the darkness is fleeing from the intense light. The dark noise that was causing me so much pain is gone. Then I hear the soft, lyrical, whispers of the angels and it is like a balm to all the hurt the darkness caused. I stare in amazement, as the angels before me continue to take shape. They are surrounding Fin, whispering beautiful things to him. The angel’s voices are the polar opposite of the dark screeching. They are soft and soothing. As they hum louder, it sounds melodic and harmonious, like a choir. I am filled with comfort and peace. The angels are all beautiful and are surrounded by brilliant white light that seems to radiate from their very core. When I am able to focus on them, I can see that they are not all the same. Only one is female, she is wrapped in a billowy white fabric that is tied across her chest and waist with gold ropes. The ends of the fabric are trimmed in some kind gemstone I have never seen but the prismatic hues that sparkle from them are similar to the colors I have seen emanating from the different souls in my new world. Her eyes are fierce, but her presence is filled with benevolence. Two of the men are in white suits. They are perfect in every way and they exude tranquility and joy. The third male is the only angel with wings. They are massive even though they are closed. All the angels appear very tall and strong, but the winged one is a head taller than the rest. He is broad and dressed in shiny silver and gold body armor like a warrior ready for battle. His stance is wide, and he is holding an enormous sword with the point resting on the floor between his feet. He is, all together, the most terrifying and beautiful being that I have ever encountered. The moment I can tear my eyes from this astonishing scene, I notice two things. One, all the darkness is gone. Two, Lucius is now standing so close to me there are tiny sparks of beautiful color coming off our hands and arms. I look into his eyes to measure how furious he is with me for the danger I put us in. But all I can see is relief and complete awe of what is happening in front of us.
Half Dead World: Book One from the Apocalypse Tales Page 9