If Ivy had been able to process the abuse and keep in touch with Sara, she might have worked through it by the time we met. But she had already experienced six years of repression by then. What Ivy discovered, as do so many other girls, is that there is often lots of unfinished business, even for the survivor who discloses her abuse.
As she described it, the experience had made Ivy very suspicious of religion and of men in positions of power. She had a very hard time trusting her teachers and had problems being intimate with men. Through her therapy, she began to give herself credit for having taken care of herself by bringing the abuse out into the open. The more we worked on rebuilding her confidence in herself, the more she was able to open up to others. She realized that she really had done the right thing by telling and could trust that she was capable of taking care of herself.
The creepy experience with the rabbi, coupled with having her parents not support her or let her speak about it, had caused her to build a wall around herself. She also felt somehow not entitled to be traumatized by the abuse since her mother told her that one experience is not enough to really be upset about. But slowly she realized that the wall had to do with not trusting herself and that by getting in touch with how brave she had been to tell, she was able to regain that trust and allow other people in.
All girls who are sexually abused share some common feelings of shame and mistrust, which can sometimes last for years. Many girls who are abused once or twice feel guilty about even having feelings about it because they know other girls have had it much worse. Of course, girls like Coral (see Chapter 6), after six years of rape, will have some very heavy and complicated feelings and symptoms to deal with. But I am here to tell you that even “just” once is once too many! It’s not at all unusual to develop emotional issues from just one abuse experience. You have a right to your feelings. And that doesn’t diminish anyone else’s right to theirs.
In the continual flow of letters to my website, probably one out of five has to do with some kind of mentor sexual abuse. Often, girls will start out feeling flattered by the attention of their mentor. There can be a kind of natural intimacy between an adolescent girl or young woman and her coach or teacher, especially when a girl is particularly successful and excited by the sport or subject. For example, having your high school English teacher encourage you to submit poetry for publication or a coach invite you to try out for a varsity team can be really exhilarating, even life changing—particularly if you are already feeling vulnerable or don’t have a good relationship with your father. And don’t feel supported by your mother.
There are other factors that make some girls more vulnerable than others—for example, it may be a part of your cultural tradition to obey your elders, no matter what. Perhaps females have a very low standing in your culture. Girls who are experiencing other traumas—their parents’ divorce or a death in the family, where all the adults are focused elsewhere—might be more susceptible to sexual abuse by a trusted mentor. Girls who are going through a depression might be particularly seducible by a coach who says he can guarantee her happiness. It’s easy, then, to project onto your mentor certain protective or parental qualities or to be overwhelmed with gratitude. That is why girls often feel so confused and guilty over mentor abuse. But make no mistake: these men are manipulators wearing the costumes of supporters.
Also, if you were molested as a young child and never told anyone because you felt unsafe in your family, for instance, you might be more susceptible to mentor abuse. But if you were molested early on and told someone and got support and results, chances are your sense of boundaries will be better developed. You know that people support you and believe you, and you’d probably be better at spotting the warning signs (he looks at you a little too longingly, he hangs around a little too often, he invites you out for coffee, etc.). If you are uncomfortable and unsure of your mentor’s vibe or intentions, talk about it with a trusted adult. Trust your gut.
One girl wrote to my website for help with her confusion about her coach’s inappropriate advances:
Dear Dr. Patti,
I live in Tucson, Arizona, and I am a freshman in high school. I read the other letters on your website and had to write to you. I have never told anyone about this, but something really weird happened to me with my basketball coach. He is no longer working at my school and I have not seen him since he left, but I’ve been so scared to tell anyone what happened. I am scared that he will come back and find me and say I am lying.
He used to work with me privately and tell me how great I was. He is only in his early twenties and very good-looking. I admit I liked the attention. But one day while we were shooting baskets, he tackled me to the ground and stuck his tongue in my mouth and put his hands up my shirt. I just lay there. I feel so stupid about this now, but I was really freaked out and didn’t know what to do. I kept playing basketball after that, but I never stayed after or spent any time alone with him again. It was just that one time. I thought I was over it, but now I am having nightmares. Was I sexually abused? Was it my fault? Should I tell?
Signed,
Suzanne
Yes, Suzanne was sexually abused. No, it was not her fault. She did not know her coach would tongue-kiss her or forcibly touch her breasts. Many girls talk about this kind of thing happening just one time, after which they avoid the person. This is often the best thing to do. It’s even better to find a trusted adult to tell. The adult can help you figure out what to do next and can also help you deal with the feelings that come up so that you aren’t scarred with fears and mistrust.
Another girl who wrote to my website had a “relationship” with her mentor that started out “nicely” but became abusive over time:
Dear Dr. Patti,
I am twenty years old and just finished my second year of college in the Midwest. I recently ended an “affair” with my eleventh-grade English teacher. I always felt special in Mr. X’s classes. I come from a family of overachievers whom I could never measure up to, but he told me I was really smart. He also told me that he loved me and that age did not matter (he’s thirty-four). I knew he was married, but he always said his wife didn’t understand him and I was the only one who did. He wrote me poetry and bought me gifts and I was very flattered by all the attention.
The affair started by us going out for coffee after school. By the middle of my senior year, we were getting together sometimes on the weekends. He would take me to poetry readings and stuff. He said that his wife knew but was never around for him, so it didn’t matter. My parents thought it was a little strange that this teacher spent so much time with me, but they liked him, so they didn’t seem to mind much. He would stop in and chat with them, and I think they just thought he was a great guy.
Then one Saturday after coffee he took me to a park and told me he was falling in love with me. He said he wanted to kiss me and asked me if it was all right. I said okay. I remember it was a strange feeling, sort of like kissing some old guy from a film or something, someone you watch but would never want to get intimate with.
By the end of my senior year we were spending a lot of time together. That was the same year my parents got divorced and my father moved out. Mr. X really came through for me then. My mother was depressed, and I barely even saw my father, with whom I already had a strained relationship. I told Mr. X everything and really leaned on him for emotional support. He was great. He even called my mother and told her not to worry about me, that he’d keep an eye on me.
Slowly, he convinced me to stop seeing most of my friends so we’d have more time together. When I went away to college, he visited me, and that’s when we had sex. I didn’t want to lose him, so I complied. I also thought he was the only person who would ever love me that much. But, after the first time, I didn’t want to do it again. It just felt creepy. But, when I said I didn’t want to, he got really angry and forced himself on me, saying he had given up his marriage and moved out and was in love with me. I later found out that none of th
at was true. I began to get frightened and I wanted to break away, but he was very controlling and I was afraid of what he could do to me. I was afraid he’d tell my parents and they’d freak out. I stopped eating. I became depressed. I didn’t want to see Mr. X anymore.
I went to the counseling center at my school and told a counselor about the relationship. She told me it was not consensual and that it amounted to sexual abuse. She also said that she would speak with Mr. X and tell him to stop contacting me or she would report him.
To make a long story short, I told Mr. X what the counselor said and at first he was very angry, but then the weirdest thing happened. He broke down and cried and admitted that he had been with teen girls for ten years. When I told my counselor that, she totally flipped out. She told me to threaten to take him to court if he did not seek help. I was kind of scared of the whole mess and let her contact him. She made sure he got into therapy.
I feel like a coward. I should probably report him so he won’t molest other teen girls, but I don’t have the courage. I feel so guilty and dirty. Even though my therapist tells me it was not my fault, I feel like I asked for this relationship. Reading the other stories on your website, I see that other girls have forgiven themselves. Why can’t I forgive myself?
Signed,
Mary
Mary had a really traumatic experience. She was forced into a romanticized, sexualized relationship with her teacher, a teacher she really liked but didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with. Just as pedophiles look for vulnerable children who are alone and unsupervised, sexual-deviant mentors will look for girls who seem somehow unprotected and vulnerable. In this case the therapist was legally a mandated reporter because the girl was underage. He should have been reported.
Mary did not have a strong relationship with her father and barely saw him after he divorced her mother during her senior year. When Mary started to confide in Mr. X, sharing her vulnerability and her sadness, he perhaps surmised that she would be more open to his “comfort.” The boundaries in these situations get very confusing. Mentor abuse is very painful, just as incest is, because so often the girl really looks up to and trusts the person who then turns around and sexualizes and abuses her. It only confuses matters if the family also knows and trusts the mentor.
Also, let us be aware that all around us—in films and advertising and magazines and other media—the idea that very young women are attracted to older men is thoroughly normalized. Even in the TV series Gilmore Girls, the otherwise outspoken, assertive, brilliant girl character Paris goes off to Yale and has an affair with her sixtysomething professor. We know from earlier episodes that Paris is desperate for the attention she can never get from her parents. Of course girls are always blaming themselves for the situations they land in. But look around you. Look at the culture—specifically at movies—and you easily see how girls are constantly being set up for these “romantic” liaisons with older and oh-so-much-wiser men.
If you are a survivor of mentor abuse or are currently involved with a mentor, please understand that these relationships are not okay, even if they are encouraged all around you. Even if you’ve been told that it’s perfectly normal, that the age difference means nothing, that you’re an “old soul” or were connected in a past life—and even if this is a relationship that you don’t feel hurt by—you must trust me that you will be hurt by it at some point in your life, because at its root this kind of relationship is all about power.
No matter how “mature” you are or how “ready” you feel, as a teenager you are simply not on an equal footing with an older mentor. Once you are twenty-five or so and have matured into adulthood, it is entirely up to you whom you become intimate with. At that time dating someone ten years your senior may not make as big a difference to you. But, as a teenager, having a relationship with a much older mentor is a whole different story.
To those of you who might currently be involved with a mentor in a sexual relationship, please know that it is best for you to end the relationship as soon as you can. I urge you to take to heart everything we’ve said in this chapter. Do not blame yourself. It’s not your fault, and it’s never too late to change your situation.
Often, threatening to report your abuser is enough to stop him. Chances are, you are not the first girl this man has taken advantage of, and mentors are all too often terrified of being exposed or investigated because they know how long the list of their other “affairs” is.
Justice is rarely served in cases of mentor abuse, even though in many states the laws should protect you. But you always have the power to walk away. Remember: Your mentor may be charming and flattering and give you the attention you crave, but the wonderful talents he is offering to nurture in you are yours. He did not create them, and you do not owe him sex in exchange for his kindness. If you are attracted to him, remember that your relationship is not a partnership of equals and never will be.
Times may [finally] have changed, and, in light of the Nassar trial and the brave women who came forward, doctors will start facing consequences for sexual abuse. As women continue coming forward, men will stop getting away with sexual abuse, as they have from the beginning of time. Hopefully this chapter has opened you up to the pitfalls and luring of mentor abuse. It may be painful and confusing in the short run, and you may not even know these are advances. But standing up for yourself and identifying any inappropriate advances from your mentor will save you. And trust me: you won’t regret it.
CHAPTER 10
PUSHED TOO FAR
Acquaintance Sexual Abuse (Amber’s Story, Jasmine’s Story)
I felt as if I was sinking into a drain. I had nothing holding me up, nothing keeping me afloat. I watched from the sidelines as he touched me.
—a fourteen-year-old acquaintance-abuse survivor
Acquaintance abuse differs from date rape in that, by definition, you already know the abuser before he rapes you, and it may not involve going on a date at all. You may be friends with the guy or know him from around the neighborhood. You may even be attracted to him, but instead of taking it slow with you and exploring in a way that you can handle, he takes advantage of your confusion and vulnerability and pushes you much further, sexually, than you are ready to go.
MYTHS AND TRUTHS ABOUT ACQUAINTANCE ABUSE
Here are some of the most common myths and misunderstandings about adolescent girls and their sexuality. And, to counter these myths, here are some of the truths I have learned from in my three decades of talking with hundreds of girls and young women.
MYTH: Young teenage girls have enormous sexual appetites.
TRUTH: Given how complicated puberty is, a statement like this is simply ridiculous. And yet it is widely believed. Here’s the truth: Some girls feel arousal and some do not. Many twelve-year-old girls start becoming interested in boys (or girls). They may want to kiss, but they do not necessarily want their genitals touched or to touch someone else’s. They have all sorts of thoughts and feelings and lots of fears of the actual sex connection. They are not emotionally ready for consummation of sexual physical contact, and this is the essence of what abuse is—a girl not being ready emotionally to integrate what she may be experiencing physically.
That’s where boys and men get confused. A thirteen-year-old girl may dress like Miley Cyrus and be attracted to and intrigued by boys, but that doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with them. She may have posters of Justin Bieber on her wall and have romantic fantasies about him, but in reality she doesn’t want a teenage boy, no matter how cute he may be, putting his fingers in her vagina or forcing oral sex on her. Usually, a girl’s true sexual appetite begins at around age sixteen.
Around the age of sixteen or seventeen a girl is cognitively, emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready for deeper sexual relationships. This is a time when most girls have completed their tasks of emotionally separating and reuniting with their parents and have the mental equipment to manage a relationship that is both emotionally and sex
ually complex.
MYTH: Young girls enjoy giving boys blow jobs.
TRUTH: There is a great deal of pressure out there for girls to perform oral sex on boys. Nowadays blow jobs are thought of as casually as kissing in much of teen culture. Sometimes giving a blow job is even a rite of passage into a peer group. But underneath the bravado is fear—and even disgust—on the part of the girls. In all my years of working with girls, I cannot remember ever hearing a twelve-to fifteen-year-old say she enjoyed giving boys blow jobs. In fact, a girl that age can experience mild to severe physical discomfort, such as gagging, choking, and nausea, if she tries to perform oral sex. Many girls gag when forced to swallow semen. It can also cause real emotional turmoil. Most girls at this age just aren’t ready.
MYTH: Twelve-to fifteen-year-old girls are in command of their sexual appeal and deliberately use it to manipulate boys. They feel sexy, beautiful, and powerful, and want to turn guys on.
TRUTH: Twelve-to fifteen-year-old girls usually feel gawky, awkward, ugly, and often embarrassed about their developing bodies. No matter how they appear to others, they hardly feel sexually attractive. They’re busy adjusting to all the changes and mourning some of the losses that come with developing hips and breasts and getting their first menstrual periods. They are navigating new waters, figuring out how to deal with their new bodies and hormonal surges.
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