Invisible Girls

by Patti Feuereisen

  Speaking Out to Other Girls

  Dear Dr. Patti,

  I read some of your book at the bookstore the other day, then bought it and read it in one night. You challenged me and reminded me to see past this pain. Thank you.

  I had been away at college for a few months by the time December 2007 rolled around and was looking forward to going home and hugging my family. During my time away I had really tried to forget having been sexually abused as a child. I wanted a fresh start, I was getting my life together and doing well in school.

  As I took my seat on a train for a three-hour trip, a man sat next to me and ordered drinks. He started a conversation about our families, our goals, and dreams. He offered me a drink, and because I am a nervous traveler I took him up on it.

  He was obviously flirting, and all of a sudden the flirting became much more aggressive and I tried to change the subject. I turned my head and stared out the window, feeling familiar feelings of panic rising in my chest. Suddenly, his hands were on my thighs and I was frozen there, desperately trying to remain “there.” I tried to push him away. I said no and attempted to move from my seat, but he put his leg between mine to block my exit. He kept saying I was as “beautiful as a model” and how much he “wanted a wife like me.” I was frozen in the same way as I was as a sexually abused child.

  I felt like the smallest human being, a piece of filth, because I was letting this happen again. I asked him to stop repeatedly, and he told me I was just “too pretty.”

  The rest of the trip, it was evening and his hands were literally all over me, he actually put his fingers inside of me—I was frozen. Then he left, saying, “Goodbye, beautiful.”

  Although I froze during this—I knew it was sexual assault. He left me his business card, and I didn’t take it out of my wallet for a few months. I spent two days at home for Christmas break. My mother told me it was my fault. A police officer told me it was a “case of he said, she said” and to keep my legs crossed next time. When I returned to school my partner told me just to forget about it and that it didn’t matter. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last.

  That shame haunted me for a year and a half. But now I’m finally standing up for myself. I just studied abroad for a few months. I needed to take a night train from Italy to Paris, and I was very nervous. I made sure I was sitting next to families. When I went to the bathroom, a man followed me—and I was almost assaulted, but this time I fought back. It was the most freeing moment I’ve had in the last year and a half. I fought back, and I will fight back as long as I live. I won’t ever be invisible again!

  I have been in counseling and now go to schools and speak about my experience. My experience with rape is usually one of the first things I tell my close friends about, and the burden lessens a bit every time. I speak about date rape at high schools and counsel young women on ways to protect themselves. I wanted to share my story with you so I don’t feel quite so alone right now. Thank you for being willing to love young women like me even though I feel very unlovable sometimes. And most of all thank you and all the amazing girls in Invisible Girls.

  Love,

  Enid

  I knew that sexual abuse was universal, but I guess I was not prepared to receive e-mails from Iran, Mexico, Saudi Arabia, Iceland, Columbia, and Ecuador. I not only receive e-mails from urban centers like Paris and London, where I would expect girls to have internet access and find the Girlthrive website, but from girls literally all over the world who are finding help and healing from our book and then seeking out organizations in their cities and towns to help them heal and thrive.

  No Longer Alone

  Dear Dr. Patti,

  I live in Sweden, and your book not only made me realize the extent of my own abuse, it has also made me stop downplaying to myself what happened to me. Thanks to you, I have also taken the step of getting some support from a Swedish organization that helps adult survivors of sexual abuse. When I first applied for psychotherapy from them and got my appointment, I was still of two minds as to whether I wanted to open up all the hurt again. After reading your book, I decided that I should go.

  I’m also seeing a psychologist at my local hospital who is helping me come off the antidepressants that I have been on for the past five years and is providing me with extra support with my body’s physical responses to my abuse!

  I was abused by my stepfather from the time I was nine until I was fifteen, at which point I started a relationship with a twenty-three-year-old guy. On the two occasions that I confronted my mother about the abuse, her responses were, “You know he wouldn’t do something like that” and “Stop lying, he wouldn’t do that.” I now have no contact with my mother.

  When I got the courage to tell my biological father and stepmother, they were initially really supportive but wanted me to contact the police, which I couldn’t face. Now we don’t talk about it, and I am finding my father’s response harder than my own. He only ever mentions it with regards to wanting to murder my stepfather. I dare say that I will uncover more painful memories or, rather, just admit and accept them for what they are on my road to recovery, but be sure that you have helped me realize that this needn’t taint the rest of my life and that recovery is possible.

  I wouldn’t be seeking the help and support that I am now if it wasn’t for your book; I would still be hiding. It’s a shame there isn’t someone like you to come into schools here in Sweden. I’m sure it would save many young women like me. I’m now twenty-one, and it has taken six years after my abuse stopped for me to finally accept that I suffered abuse and to seek help; it needn’t have taken that long.

  Invisible Girls is truly inspirational, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this book and for helping all of my damaged sisters across the pond and all of the other damaged angels like me who have read your book.

  I am giving this book to my partner and my father to read. I believe everyone should read it.

  My love and thanks to you always,

  Elsa

  When I designed my website, I was very aware that it had to look like a site that could be about anything so girls would feel comfortable being seen reading it. I knew it couldn’t scream “sex abuse”!

  I also worked very hard with Seal Press to make sure that our book cover was thoughtful and beautiful and again did not scream out “sex abuse.” I love the cover of our book, and our subsequent cover. Our first covers have a girl looking pensive, and this edition has three strong girls of different ethnic backgrounds exuding agency and confidence. I am so pleased that others feel able to read Invisible Girls on the subway, in the park, wherever they choose, without any self-consciousness and without anyone knowing they are reading about abuse.

  Reading in Privacy

  Dear Dr. Patti,

  I am a survivor. I live in Atlanta, Georgia. I was raped by my father for many years, and until one month ago thought I had successfully put the past behind me. I found out I was very wrong, for which I am very happy. When I went to a bookstore to try to learn about what I was going though, I found about ten different books on incest that seemed to fit my situation and I promptly bought them ALL. As I read and reflected on them, I found all but one of the books extremely limiting!

  For starters your book is the only one with a somewhat discreet cover. All the others screamed SEX/VICTIM/INCEST. You get the picture. Now, I am open to the idea of telling people what has happened to me, but the idea of letting every passerby know what I’m reading—perhaps it’s me being paranoid, but it seems a bit much. Thank you for your discreet cover, and if you could pass the message along to some of the other book people whose book I likely bought but am now confined to reading only in the secrecy of my home, a change would be nice.

  By the way I am only several chapters into the book and so far love it and am shocked to see how close the stories are to mine. Thank you!

  Olivia

  I learn from girls every day. I learn the ways they cope and the ama
zing visual archetypes they discover. I have always thought of wolves as dangerous and frightening, but the girl who sent the following letter taught me that wolves also help each other, and that a mother wolf will do anything to protect her children. This girl is able to find comfort and protection from her stuffed animal that her own family could never provide her with.

  Protected by Wolves

  Dear Dr. Patti,

  I am eighteen years old. I live in upstate New York and I am an incest survivor. I reported my father, and he is on this sort of probation thing. I mean, at the moment and for the past couple of months, my dad hasn’t come close to me (we also very rarely talk). When the abuse started up again, I went to the police and called up the social worker again, and she’s getting him to go to alcohol recovery classes and anger management classes. She told me that if he touches me the slightest bit again, all I have to do is call her and the case will go straight to court, and I can get a restraining order if needed. I know that I have options now, and I’m not going to tolerate anything of that sort again. I’m spending next week in Vermont, and this weekend at a close friend’s house. I have tried to cope in many ways, drinking, self-injury, and just closing off. The weird thing about my self-injury is that I don’t regret it. People always say, “Look at your scars! Don’t you hate having to see those all the time?” but I don’t. I’m not sure why cuz they’re really ugly, but I don’t mind seeing them. I don’t really feel ashamed of them.

  I still have a fear of the dark, from those years that my father came to my dark room. For my fear of the dark, I know it sounds childish, but I sleep with one of my stuffed animals. It’s a wolf, because when I was younger I thought wolves were so cute, and I did a project on them. I found out that they follow leadership and work together, and the mother will do anything to protect her cubs. I began to wish that my family worked like a wolf pack, and, ever since, they’ve been my favorite animal. The stuffed toy wolf that I sleep with really helps. Without it I feel alone and insecure. It’s like I need that wolf to hug in order for me to fall asleep. Another way I cope with things is writing poetry and lyrics. I also play electric guitar.

  I should get some sleep now. It really means a lot to me that you take the time to write.

  Thank you so much!

  Love,

  Clara

  I often hear from women who are now in their forties, fifties, and sixties, who found and read Invisible Girls. Although their abuse usually happened when they were teens, they are able to go back to that teenage girl and hold her, hug her, love her, and forgive her.

  Twenty-Five Years Later

  Dear Dr. Patti,

  I am a forty-one-year-old sexual-abuse survivor. I was raped by my host father in Switzerland when I was fifteen years old. The mother worked fifty kilometers away, and I was home with him and the three children six days a week. He raised cattle and racehorses on this idyllic farm.

  I can only remember two instances of the abuse—a rape—where I remember just leaving my body… floating out the window and going toward the voices of the children playing soccer in the backyard. I remember worrying about leaving them alone. He also molested me inside a building in a remote cemetery during the commemoration of a family member’s death. I felt alone, trapped, with no true mastery of the language. I had no money, no car. It was rural. Yet I pushed these memories far below… always in control of myself after that.…

  A severe eating disorder began immediately during my seven weeks in France. I threw myself into my studies. I entered Columbia University in 1985 after graduating top in my prep school class. I was a strong athlete and perfect in the eyes of all. Just terrified of any relationship with a male. I startle whenever I am touched—if I don’t see it coming. Even my own children. I am mother to four incredible children.

  Yet, what is most difficult in my journey is finding the compassion in my heart to forgive that fifteen-year-old girl who never fought back… who never told… or asked for help. Your book has been incredible. So many situations and feelings of shame, guilt, and fear resonate. I am so thrilled that these girls will receive the help they need now, when they’re young, before it cripples their lives. After reading Invisible Girls I am finally ready to begin to forgive the fifteen-year-old who could not fight back twenty-five years ago. Thank you for listening.

  Sylvia

  Never Too Old

  Hi, Dr. Patti,

  I just finished Invisible Girls, and I just wanted to say thank you. I’ll be fifty next month and am still dealing with the aftereffects of a verbally abusive childhood and a sexualized relationship with my father as well as an absent, depressed mother. One of the more disruptive symptoms of my pain I now recognize is a desire to be invisible. The second major area the book helped me with is in identifying—clearly—the incredible pressure on women of all ages to, as I describe it, be sexual the way men are—the pressure to talk about sex and my sexual preferences on first and second dates—and with grown men!—the assumption that I’m supposed to want to go down on some guy I barely know. Or risk being considered somehow screwed up sexually and therefore damaged. So although I am fifty years old, Invisible Girls resonated for me deeply.

  Thank You,

  Natasha

  When a girl sends me an e-mail asking whether I think it’s all right if she takes her time with the book and skips around, I always tell her yes, any way she wants to read the book is perfect! I want girls to have the freedom to be in charge. I want survivors to be empowered by our book.

  Facing the Truth

  Dear Dr. Patti,

  I was in Borders about a month ago skimming titles in the astrology section (my #1 personal hobby), and misplaced with the cover facing me was your book Invisible Girls. As I read the cover, I got totally freaked, and I wanted to pick it up and see what it was about, but I didn’t. But I went home and ordered the book through Amazon that same night. It’s a great book—it’s just so hard to read. It makes me think of things I have tried forcing myself to forget. I have lived my entire life never telling a single soul; it is something I have repressed for almost all my twenty-three years on earth. I hide the book in my car, and honestly, as stupid as it sounds, I have to build up courage to read it.

  Many of the excerpts I can relate to. At twenty-three, I want to change and “be normal” and start whatever process to heal. Buying your book was scary, but it was the first time for me telling, thinking, or admitting to myself what happened. I am coming more and more to terms with it. I know it is a long road ahead, but at least I am finally on that road, thanks to your book. As I am reading, layers of fear are lifting—I even feel myself standing up straighter, looking people in the eye.

  Love,

  Bernadette

  The most common e-mails I receive are from girls who are just beginning to talk about their abuse. The biggest message in Invisible Girls is that you are not alone and that when you start to talk about your abuse you start to get better. I know I sound like a broken record! But it is the truth—the truth about sexual abuse.

  Turning Point

  Hey, Dr. Patti,

  I’m sitting here on a log in the middle of the forest in Utah. This has been a time of reflection for me and given me lots of time to think about my past and my future. I wanted to write you and all the girls in your book a thank you letter. Invisible Girls and your website Girlthrive have changed and quite possibly saved my life. Discovering Girlthrive and you sending me a copy of your book was a turning point in my life. Since then, I have started to talk about my abuse.

  I am about to start counseling to help me deal with the abuse and move forward in my life (which I know won’t be easy but will definitely be worth it), and I have told my second person ever face to face about my past and the abuse, and it feels so good. I’m still not ready to tell everyone about my abuse, but telling that one person was a huge relief, and he was really understanding. The copy of Invisible Girls that you sent me has been put to good use. When I am feeling angry or down, et
c., I go back to it and read parts of it again. It’s my survival guide. Fully understand the impact this book has had on me. Now that I am talking about my abuse, it is coming out of me— Invisible Girls has made me visible.

  Love,

  Nahama

  Often girls who are date-raped get stuck in a date-rape mentality. They continue to blame themselves, they do not change their behavior right away, and they put themselves in danger over and over again, mostly because they are still blaming themselves for their rape. But I also hear from girls who realize they were date-raped and change their path. They’re beginning to protect themselves and process what happened to them. They’re finding solace in the women’s centers at their universities; they’re joining Take Back the Night; they’re reading books. Women’s support for each other is growing on campuses across the country. And young men are also joining forces.

  When a girl gets herself to this place, she is changed for the rest of her life. Something just clicks, and she understands that she has agency. She decides not to get drunk, not to be the one to pass out, not to go home with the guy. She waits, she sees, she gets to know him. She tells her friends where she is. She begins to protect herself, and that also helps her have radar for good guys!

  Fighting Back

  Dear Dr. Patti,