“That’s what makes this so fucking hard for me,“ he whispered fiercely. My mouth went dry because if we were alone, he would’ve grabbed me to him. I could see it in his eyes. “When it comes to you, Isabel, there is no competition, and I don’t know how to make peace with that.”
Without another word, he turned and marched to his office. Before anyone saw my face, I turned back to the ring and took a few deep breaths.
But my heart, oh my heart. I laid a hand over it, tried to calm its wild, furious drumming.
“Iz?” Kelly called from behind me.
I blew out one more breath and turned. “Yeah?”
“These two would love to sign up for a membership. Can you help them while I finish up here?”
At the two girls, I smiled. “Of course. Why don’t you two follow me up to the desk? I’ll get you some paperwork to fill out.”
I went about my job for the next hour, and by the time I gathered my things to go, I still wasn’t sure if I felt better or worse after his admission.
“That looked intense for a minute there,” Kelly commented mildly, watching as I finished tidying my desk and shutting off my computer monitor.
“Did it?”
“My, my how far we’ve come from you hiding behind boxes.” She nudged me as we walked toward the front. “I think our boss looks a little smitten with you, Isabel Ward.”
I laughed, and the sound was tinged with the slightest edge of hysteria. His office door was still closed, and when I walked out of the building, I wasn’t coming back until after Molly’s wedding. I forced my attention back to Kelly. “Call me if you need anything this weekend. Saturday is the only day I can’t really answer my phone.”
She sighed at my obvious deflection. “It’s not too late to invite me, you know.”
I rolled my eyes. “Goodbye, Kelly.”
“Have a fun weekend off,” she called after me.
When I turned to wave, I saw Aiden watching from the doorway of his office. And just like it always seemed to with him, my heart responded like he’d touched bare wires to my skin.
It didn’t slow until I’d driven away, and still … I felt him. I was starting to realize that I probably always would.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Aiden
The days she was gone were even more difficult than when she was in front of me because I couldn’t even attempt to decipher what she was thinking.
Couldn’t take the little bit I had of her, even if it was a pale, watered-down version of what I wanted. It made me want to break things, hit things, and put my rage and frustration somewhere. And my anger wasn’t aimed at her. I could hardly look myself in the mirror because I hated what I saw when I did.
I was going through the motions in a way that I hadn’t since Beth died. More than once, I caught my family watching me, caught Anya talking to me, when I’d only heard half of what she said.
What if you’re wrong?
That was what I couldn’t mute in my head, to distraction.
What if you’re wrong?
This—Isabel—was the first time in my entire life that I questioned myself so much, and I hated how much anger it stirred up in its wake.
She was nothing Beth had talked about, nothing like I’d tried to imagine.
And maybe that was part of the problem. I’d never even attempted to imagine the person who would come after Beth. Never wanted to. Her description, her wishes were as good as any, because I had no desire to find someone else to take that space in my life or in Anya’s.
Each day that Isabel upheld the invisible wall that she’d promised, one that I could’ve launched over with ease if I decided, I slipped a little further into questioning myself.
“You look like shit,” Deacon told me when we all ate dinner at my parents. They’d tiptoed around me all week.
“Didn’t sleep well.” Not that I planned on explaining why. When Isabel left work the day before, she was off for the next three because of her sister’s wedding. And since she’d swept out of the building, I hadn’t heard a thing from her. And why would I?
Isabel might’ve been the one to take longer to gain her footing around me, but there was only one person too chicken-shit to admit what they felt, and it wasn’t her.
“You can borrow my special lamp,” Anya told me. “It helps me sleep.”
I gave her a tired smile. “Thanks, gingersnap. Maybe I’ll try that tonight.”
Clark stood from the table. “Come on, Anya. Want to help me fix something in the backyard?”
She shrieked when he scooped her up and tossed her over his shoulder. Wearily, I rubbed the back of my neck.
“Anything you wanna talk about?” my mom asked later as I helped her clear dishes before taking Anya home.
My dad set a hand on her back as he set his dish down on the counter. “Don’t pry, honey.”
She shooed him away. “Asking isn’t prying.”
He swatted her butt. “It is when you do it.”
“Nothing to worry about, Mom.” I handed her the dish towel.
Even if they all watched me carefully, no one else said a word. I got Anya loaded into the truck and made my way back home, weariness covering me like an iron blanket. It was different than losing Beth—so very different—but it still felt like grief.
Like I was mourning something that I’d never really had.
It was a startling realization, one that shook me more than I wanted to admit. But how was I supposed to reconcile everything I’d believed I might need someday to what I wanted when I looked at her.
Anya was drifting off to sleep in the back seat as I pulled into our neighborhood, and I caught sight of an unfamiliar car parked in front of our house. It wasn’t Isabel’s car, but when someone with her build and long dark hair got out of the driver’s seat, my heart started hammering.
But when she lifted her head and smiled as I drove the truck into our driveway, I knew it was one of her sisters. From the pictures I’d seen in the entryway of the house, they all looked similar, and it calmed my nerves to know it wasn’t her. Sort of.
Anya had fully drifted off, and I decided to let her stay where she was while I talked to whichever Ward sister was waiting for me.
She was walking up the driveway as I got out of the truck.
“Aiden?” She gave me a small wave, her features so similar to Isabel’s that it was almost hard to look at her. “I’m Molly, Isabel’s sister.”
“What can I do for you?” I was too tired for pleasantries, too exhausted by cycling through this situation in my head to even attempt to manage them.
She held out a large envelope, edged in gold, and heavy in my hand when I took it from her. “I’d like to invite you to my wedding this weekend.”
My head snapped up. “Why?”
Molly smiled. “Because my sister will never do it.”
Immediately, I was shaking my head. “Trust me, she doesn’t want me there.”
“If she knew I was here,” Molly said carefully, “she would be mad at me.”
I extended the envelope back toward her. “Then maybe you shouldn’t be.”
Inexplicably, that made her smile widen. “I know you don’t know Isabel as well as I do, but from the little bit I’ve heard, you’ve gotten really good glimpses of who she is.” Molly tucked a piece of hair behind her ears, the massive diamond on her finger winking in the sun. “She’ll never ask you to come to this wedding, even if she wants you there, because she is as stubborn as anyone I’ve ever met.”
I exhaled a humorless laugh. “I feel like we’re talking in circles.”
“I know.” She licked her lips before speaking again. “I don’t know where your relationship stands with her,” Molly continued. “Because even though she can dish out advice to us like it’s her job, she rarely tells us anything she’s going through. And I think it’s because she’s doing what she did when she was young, when Paige showed up. She’ll give these tiny windows of opportunity, and if you don’t t
ake them, you won’t get another chance. My sister is one of the strongest, most incredible people I know, but she will shut down anyone if she’s afraid they’ll hurt her.”
I swiped a hand over my mouth, regarding Molly with unfiltered curiosity. “Why are you telling me all of this? You don’t even know me.”
Her smile was mysterious. “Because I know my sister. And if she’s refusing to talk about you, then you’ve wedged a foot in the door, and that means you’re important to her.” She stepped closer. “What I’m giving you, Aiden, is a chance.”
I glanced up at the sky and took a deep breath.
“But,” she said carefully, “only take that chance if you can see her in your future. I’d never make that kind of dramatic statement for anyone other than her.” She laid a hand on my arm. “I know you lost your wife, and that puts a lot of extra pressure on whatever relationship you have next. But if you think it could be her, then don’t miss your chance.”
If Molly Ward made me start crying in my own driveway, I’d never forgive her.
“I’ve … I’ve done all of this already, and I wasn’t looking to do it again,” I said quietly. “The big wedding and I have a child, and I don’t know if it’s even fair to ask her to walk into all of that, knowing the firsts that she should be experiencing with the person who loves her.”
It was an oversimplification of the mental hurdles facing me, but enough that Molly gave me an encouraging smile.
“There is one thing I can tell you with a hundred percent certainty, Aiden.” She held my eyes. “My sister could not care less about which firsts you experience together. What she wants is forever.”
All I could manage was a short nod. “I hear you.”
“Good.” She studied me. “I hope I see you there. But if I don’t, then you never deserved her to begin with.”
Even though her parting shot was a gut-punch, Molly gave me a small smile and walked down my driveway like a queen.
With my head spinning, I transferred a sleeping Anya from my truck and into her bed. I walked back downstairs in a daze and sank onto the couch. Down the hallway, the door to my bedroom was open, and if I closed my eyes, it was so easy to imagine Isabel as she’d lain in my bed. Once more, I was struck with the complete pendulum of our interactions.
There was no lukewarm.
No shades of gray to dissect.
I stared at the wedding invitation, and imagined showing up for her there. I imagined staying home, knowing I’d think of her all evening.
Because I couldn’t not, I imagined what Beth would say. What she’d tell me to do.
Before I knew what I was doing, I pulled out my phone and dialed my parents’ number.
My mom picked up on the first ring.
“Miss me already?” she asked, smile evident in her voice.
“I lied. Earlier.” I punched the button to put her on speaker and set my phone down, idly scrolling until I found a picture of Beth on my phone. From before she was sick, before her cheeks hollowed out and the skin shrank over her bones.
Her response took a few seconds in coming, “Okay. What about?”
“When I told you not to worry.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I don’t … I don’t know what to do, Mom. And normally, I can imagine what Beth would tell me, what advice she’d give me, and I can’t with this.”
My wife’s face smiled out at me from the phone, but for the first time in two years, I couldn’t hear her voice in my head. My hands started tingling, my neck tight and chest as heavy as if an elephant sat squarely over my heart.
“Talk to me, son,” she said gently.
There was no part of me that wanted to recap my relationship with Isabel, so I picked up the proverbial scalpel and cut straight to the heart of what was bothering me.
“What does it mean if my feelings for Isabel are … fuck, I don’t know, bigger? More intense. More,” my voice faltered, “everything, than what I had with Beth.”
“Oh Aiden,” she exhaled heavily, “there’s no rule book for this. Nothing that says you can’t love someone in a different way than you loved Beth.”
“I did.” My finger and thumb tightened on the bridge of my nose again until it hurt. “I loved her. She was kind and funny and a great mother, and I never wanted this to happen. I don’t know what it says about me that Isabel is nothing—and I mean nothing—like the person I loved first.” I dropped my hand and forced myself to stare at Beth’s picture. The gold of her hair and the deep dimples on either side of her smile. I pinched my eyes shut. “Isabel scares the hell out of me, and I never had that with Beth.”
She made a soft sound that I couldn’t decipher.
“And I promised her,” I said quietly, “I promised her and Anya, and I don’t know how to break that promise without feeling like I’ve betrayed her memory.”
“Aiden,” she started cautiously, “I loved Beth too. But she never should’ve given Anya that list. I know she was just trying to make a scared little girl feel better, and maybe it made her feel better too, but I don’t think she truly meant to box you into something you didn’t really want.”
A stray tear slipped down my cheek, and I wiped it away.
“You are not betraying Beth by finding happiness, son. It’s horseshit, and if she was here, she’d tell you the same thing.”
I exhaled a laugh.
“You are so honorable. You’ve always done right by the people in your life. It’s what made you a good father, and husband, and son and brother. But the only thing that matters is that you find someone who loves you and loves Anya. That’s it.”
“It’s so soon,” I said quietly. “And when I moved here, I wanted calm. Peace. We’d had so much chaos, so much upheaval.”
“Isabel doesn’t bring you peace?” she asked.
I exhaled a laugh. “No. I don’t think I’ve had a moment of peace since I laid eyes on her. She’s too … she’s more than I expected.”
My mom sniffled on the other end of the phone. “You know as well as anyone, there’s no rule book you can follow, no plan that is guaranteed. And if this person can bring life into your heart, into Anya’s, then you owe it to Beth to see where that leads.”
It took me a second to find my voice, but when I did, it was hoarse. “You know, I think even if you’d told me to let her go, find someone … else, I don’t think I could’ve done it. But I’m glad you didn’t say that.”
“I can’t wait to meet her,” she said warmly. “Now how can I help?”
I picked up the wedding invitation, head clear and heart steadier than it had been in a long time.
“Would you be willing to take Anya tomorrow night?”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Isabel
“I think I’m going to puke.”
I tucked a piece of hair back into the small diamond clip that held Molly’s hair back. “No, you’re not.”
“I just want to see him.” She waved a hand in front of her face, sweat misting her forehead, even though the day of her wedding had dawned perfectly clear and mild. “You’ve seen him, right?”
Crouching down to fluff the flowing organza of her dress, I hummed in assent. “He sounds about as worked up as you do.”
“Really?” She smiled wide. My sister, as beautiful as she was in the every day, was the most gorgeous bride I’d ever seen. “Tell me. Gawd, I bet he looks so good in his tux. He shaved, right?”
“I believe he did, but I can’t say I would notice if he hadn’t.”
The photographer moved around us, snapping away as I readied Molly to do some shots with Logan in the gardens outside of Cedarbrook Lodge. She’d risked an outdoor wedding at this venue of her dreams, and so far, Seattle was delivering. The hotel sprawled behind us, the indoor reception room already dimly lit and decorated in soft creams and gold.
Off to the side, Lia and Claire chattered happily, snapping pictures of their own. Paige stood between them, red hair swept up off her face, and peacock blue column dress making h
er look like a friggin goddess.
“It’s not too late to see him now,” Paige teased. “Spare the man the embarrassment of bursting into tears in front of a hundred people at the sight of you.”
Molly laughed. “No way, I can’t wait for someone to catch that on camera.”
I stood back, and the photographer moved around Molly, directing her this way and that.
Paige slid an arm around my waist. “You four sure clean up all right.”
“For as much time as we spent in a hair and makeup chair, we better,” Claire said.
Because Molly allowed us freedom in choosing our dresses, Claire and Lia had opted for a dusty shade of blue, and in similar styles that flowed gently away from their hips, off the shoulder straps holding up a sweetheart neckline. All of us wore our hair down and curled, Molly was the only one who kept hers pulled back.
Her wedding dress, with impossibly thin straps holding it up over her shoulders, was fitted to the waist, covered in delicate floral lace before it flowed out dreamily toward the floor.
And after trying on dresses with far too many frills and embellishments, I found one in a deep navy that skimmed the length of my body, crisscrossing fabric covered my breasts, which left a small peekaboo cutout underneath. My back was completely bare.
I looked beautiful, felt beautiful, and so far, could breathe easily that the pre-wedding moments were going off without a hitch.
“Logan is on his way,” the wedding planner told us, tapping her CIA-level earpiece and speaking to someone we couldn’t see.
Nodding, I picked up my small clutch and walked to meet him, careful to miss the cracks in the path with my heels even though they were wedges. The last thing I needed was a rolled ankle. I’d just ditched the wrist brace the day before.
I stopped when I caught sight of my big brother walking my way. Hands tucked into his black tux pants, dark hair starting to show the slightest hint of silver at the temples, he looked handsome, and visibly nervous.
His smile was slow when he saw me. “Look at you.”
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