by Jay Bell
“Come see.”
Nathaniel didn’t exactly strut into his new home. Moody Towers, as it was called, was far from luxurious. Everything felt rundown—the community area by the entrance, the rattling elevators, the narrow hallways, and finally, the tiny dorm room they would have all to themselves. Or should have. The long room was furnished with what appeared to be couches on both walls. These pulled out to become beds during the night, although they passed plenty of rooms where these weren’t tucked away. Luckily his roommate was tidy. That’s about all they had in common, since Mr. Jung was a small, gray-haired Korean man who apparently couldn’t speak English. Nathaniel found this highly suspect, since the man was always sitting prim and proper on his couch, reading English books.
Like now.
Nathaniel sighed. “Mr. Jung, this is my boyfriend, Caesar. Caesar, this is my roommate, Mr. Jung.”
A shrewd eyebrow rose above thick glasses before Mr. Jung resumed reading.
“Nice to meet you,” Caesar tried.
Nothing. They stood in awkward silence, Nathaniel hyper-aware of their limited time slipping away. “I told you I needed the room to myself this afternoon,” he said. “I’m pretty sure you agreed.”
Still nothing.
“Can’t you go read downstairs? Or get something to eat? I just need a few hours.”
Mr. Jung said something in Korean that didn’t sound friendly.
“Sure,” Nathaniel said, pretending to understand him. “I’d be happy to give you a hand.” He swiftly slid an arm beneath Mr. Jung’s legs, wrapped the other around his torso, and picked him up. Mr. Jung started protesting immediately, but Nathaniel was nearly twice his size and had no trouble carrying him to the hall and setting him on his feet. Then he shut the door and locked it. He waited just long enough to make sure Mr. Jung didn’t have his keys with him.
“You stupid piece of shit!” a voice shouted. “You open the door or I’ll call the police!”
“Just a few hours,” Nathaniel said cordially. “Otherwise I’ll make your life hell.” He turned around and smiled at Caesar. “I knew he could speak English!”
Caesar managed a smile, then glanced around the room and sat on one of the couch beds. After a little more shouting, Mr. Jung went away. Not exactly the best start to their romantic day together. Nathaniel walked to the windows, trying to salvage the moment. “Come see the view. It’s really nice from up here. Lots of green.”
Caesar remained on the couch. “What happened to Yale?”
Nathaniel turned around and crossed his arms over his chest. “Yale can wait. I enrolled here so we can be together.”
“Yeah,” Caesar said. “That’s cool. But I’m a junior now and… In two years, do you expect me to enroll here?”
“I’ll kick Mr. Jung out permanently. We can be roommates.” This attempt at humor failed, so Nathaniel sat down and took Caesar’s hand. “I know this place sucks. It’s the best I could do on short notice. I’m lucky to have gotten it. Next year I’ll find something better. Maybe even next semester. When you do graduate, I’ll transfer to Yale.”
Caesar looked at him like he was crazy. The words he chose were a lot more gentle. “Think that’ll work?”
“I’ll make it work.” Nathaniel bumped shoulders with him. “This way we can still be together. You’ll get your license next month, so sneaking away will be easier.”
“Unless my mom puts a GPS tracker on the car,” Caesar joked. He glanced around the room again, which was barely bigger than the private bathroom he had at home. He seemed to make his peace with it, because he regained some of his humor.
“Why is your roommate called Mr. Jung when he’s so damn old?”
Nathaniel snorted. “I’m wondering what he’s going to do with a degree. Practice medicine in a nursing home and be a resident at the same time?”
Caesar took his hand and squeezed it. “I missed you.”
All the yearning Nathaniel had felt during their time apart gathered in his chest. “Yeah,” he managed.
“Did you miss me?” Caesar asked with his trademark naughty smile. He slid his hand up Nathaniel’s leg to his crotch and found his answer there.
On the off chance that Mr. Jung really intended to call the police, Nathaniel decided to make the best of their privacy while they still could. They weren’t patient enough to turn the couch into a bed, but they used it like one anyway. Only afterwards, when they wanted to hold each other, did they convert it so they had more room.
“I can’t believe you did all this for me,” Caesar said.
Nathaniel tried to interpret his tone—if he meant it in a good way or not—but decided not to concern himself. “When I fall in love, I don’t mess around.”
“I guess not!”
“Besides, we made a promise. Remember?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
Caesar, head resting on Nathaniel’s chest, looked at him with eyes like sunshine. Maybe it was a good thing those glasses were history. “Got anything to eat?” he asked.
“Mr. Jung has candy bars. He hoards them. Does an inventory count every day, like I’m a thief.”
“Oh. Can I have one?”
Nathaniel grinned. “Absolutely.”
* * * * *
“How’s college life treating you?”
The image of Rebecca was highly pixilated, and at times it froze completely, but he was glad to hear her voice. He adjusted the angle of the laptop screen so he could see better before he answered.
“Nobody told me I’d be so freaking busy.”
Rebecca smirked. “I did. Remember when my cousin had that nervous breakdown? She’s still working fast food.”
“Which place?”
“KFC.”
“Ask her to send me an application.”
“You’ll be fine,” Rebecca said. “How hard could the University of Houston be? It’s not… oh, I don’t know—”
“Yale?” Nathaniel finished for her. “Go ahead, rub it in.”
“It’s not too late,” Rebecca said, all teasing gone from her voice.
“I like it here,” Nathaniel lied.
“Fine. Hey, give me tour of your dorm room!”
“Sure. Won’t take long.” He picked up the laptop and turned it around, walking along his side of the room so Rebecca could see it all. Then he did the same with the other half, ending with Mr. Jung, who was sitting on his couch, feet pulled close so he could clip his toenails. He didn’t look up as Nathaniel filmed him. They had reached a tacit agreement to ignore each other completely.
“Very nice,” Rebecca said when Nathaniel was seated again at the small desk.
“Let me see yours.”
“Okay.”
A few minutes later, he regretted asking. Her room was barely bigger then his own, but she had it to herself. She took him next into the living room, then the bathroom that was used only by her and three roommates. Nathaniel’s dorm had a community bathroom down the hall that resembled the deepest pits of Hell. She finished by showing him the kitchenette in one corner of the living room.
“Is that wine?” Nathaniel asked.
“Yep. One of my roomies is old enough to buy it.” Rebecca poured herself a glass before returning to the privacy of her room.
“I hate you,” Nathaniel said when she toasted him and took a sip.
“Why? It’s not like your roommate isn’t of legal age.”
He glanced over at Mr. Jung, who continued pretending he didn’t exist. “So, have you been sneaking any hot guys into your room?”
“Nope.” Rebecca frowned. “I used to blame the lack of action on my small-minded peers, feeling certain college would change that. I can’t blame high school anymore, so I guess the problem is me.”
“You’re gorgeous,” Nathaniel said. “Guys are probably too intimidated to come up to you. Maybe try asking them out instead.”
“Eh. What about you? How goes the cradle-robbing?”
“We don’t get to
see each other that often. Caesar got his license, and his parents bought him a car for his birthday—”
“Of course they did.”
“Yeah. But I still don’t see him that much. Part of that is my fault. Sometimes I raise my head from the books and I’m surprised that entire weeks have gone by.”
“I know the feeling.” Rebecca sighed. “Just look at how long it took us to talk. We never would have let that happen before.”
“True. When I do get to see him, it’s never for long. We’re always watching the clock. Privacy is an issue too. And then lately… I don’t know.”
Rebecca leaned forward. “What?”
“It takes him a lot longer to answer my texts. His replies are shorter. He even cancelled on me last weekend.”
“He’s fifteen years old,” Rebecca said. “He has the attention span of a hummingbird.”
“Sixteen,” Nathaniel reminded her. “But yeah, maybe you’re right.”
“At least think about transferring up here. You’d still be able to see him on holidays.”
He glanced at the date in the corner of the screen. The holidays were coming up. She was right. When Christmas break came for both of them, he and Caesar would have plenty of time to see each other. “You’re the best!” he said.
“I am?”
“Yeah.”
Rebecca took a hearty swig of wine. “You worry me.”
Nathaniel grinned, still excited by the prospect. “Trust me, sometimes I worry myself.”
* * * * *
As he waited in the hotel lobby, Nathaniel was reminded of when he’d first invited Caesar to his dorm. Half a year ago already. He shook his head, scarcely believing how fast his life was whizzing by. He wished for a simpler time, a Christmas from long ago when he was still little, when Dwight wasn’t so cruel and the days leading up to the big day each seemed like a small eternity. Back then he wished he could speed time up. Now he wished it would slow down. Especially once Caesar arrived.
Nathaniel glanced around, feeling jittery and excited. At first he’d been irritated to learn that Moody Towers was closed for the holidays. He didn’t like the place, but he considered it home and didn’t appreciate being booted out against his will. Most students returned to their families. Nathaniel had booked a hotel room for a week. Nothing fancy, but after being cramped up in a glorified closet with Mr. Jung for half a year, it sure felt luxurious.
The lobby doors opened and Caesar walked in wearing a bemused smile. “You seriously got us a room?”
“Yup! Merry Christmas.” Nathaniel hugged him, and instead of letting go, started dragging him backward through the lobby.
Caesar laughed. “I don’t need convincing! Get off!”
“That’s the idea.”
Once they were in the elevator, Nathaniel kissed him and kept doing so until the doors opened again with an electronic ding. He took Caesar’s hand and led him down the hall to his room. Their room.
Once inside, Caesar laughed again. “Why are there two beds?”
“I booked a double. I thought it meant the room would be twice as big.” Nathaniel shrugged. “Feels like a palace compared to Moody Towers.”
“I like it,” Caesar said, hopping up on one of the beds—in his shoes—and bouncing a few times. “This one’s mine.”
“Not if I can help it.”
Caesar landed on his butt and reached into his jacket. “I got you something.”
“I did too.” Nathaniel went to the small table set by the windows. “Don’t expect anything amazing. I could barely afford this place. Technically I can’t. I’m counting on my parents giving me money.”
“Better hope you don’t get a fruitcake.”
“That’s what I got you!” Nathaniel said, grabbing the present. It clearly wasn’t though. The wrapped gift was too flat. Caesar handed him one that was long and narrow. Nathaniel guessed what it was even before he pulled away the paper. A watch. A really nice one! He liked that. To him it symbolized time. Not just more, which he felt he needed, but the promise of time they would spend together.
Caesar had opened his present too, holding the frame in his hand and looking puzzled. “Yale?” he asked.
“I had Rebecca send me a postcard. We’re still going there together. I’m busting my ass to make sure my grades are perfect. It’ll happen.”
“Oh.” Caesar tried to appear enthused. “Thanks.”
Nathaniel smirked. “A framed postcard is a stupid present. Open the back.”
He watched as Caesar did so. Once he removed the black cardboard rectangle, the frame’s true image was revealed. He and Caesar, sitting on a couch together, both more than a little tipsy. Their shoulders were touching. Caesar was talking as Nathaniel stared at him and smiled. A lot of love could be seen in that expression.
“Wow. Who took this?”
“Remember that dorm party on the fifth floor?”
“Yeah! Of course!”
“One of the girls there is really into photography and was snapping photos. Did you notice her?” Caesar shook his head so Nathaniel continued. “I ran into her later, and she mentioned a photo of us that she liked. There it is. It sucks having to hide it, but I figured your parents…”
“It’s a cool idea,” Caesar said. “Way more creative than what I got you. Speaking of which, what time is it?”
Nathaniel humored him by checking his new watch. “Just a little past five.” When he looked up, he saw that Caesar wasn’t joking. “Why does it matter? We have all night. Right?”
Caesar grimaced. “Dinner with my family.”
“Are you coming back afterwards?”
“It’s Christmas.”
“That’s my point!”
Caesar sighed. “It’s a big day for my family. We always spend it together. I only managed to slip away because they think I’m at Steph’s.”
Nathaniel tensed. “Why Steph?”
“To give her a present.”
“No, I mean why not Kurt?”
“Kurt is my friend.”
“Steph isn’t?”
“He’s straight. Giving him a present on Christmas would be kind of gay.” Caesar laughed.
Nathaniel didn’t. “So they think you’re at your girlfriend’s house?”
“I’m starting to wish I was!” Caesar said in exasperation.
“Sorry.” Nathaniel took a deep breath. “I was looking forward to finally spending lots of time with you.”
“I’m sorry too,” Caesar said. “It sucks.”
“Yeah. At least we still have the rest of the week.”
Caesar remained quiet. And very still.
Nathaniel clenched his jaw. “What now?”
“I’m taking a trip to Colorado with my family. There’s no getting out of it.”
“You’re not fucking serious!”
“Sorry.”
“I told you I was getting this room! Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t know.” Caesar kicked at the carpet. “My dad surprised my mom. She kept saying she wanted to see the snow. It’s his Christmas present to her.”
Nathaniel groaned. Then he started pacing the room, trying to find some solution. Cancel his reservation and get a hotel in Colorado wherever Caesar’s family would be? Of course there Caesar couldn’t pretend he was out visiting one of his friends. “Fuck!”
“I’m sorry!”
“It’s not your fault,” Nathaniel said, trying to calm down. “So let me guess. We’ve got an hour?”
“Yeah. Maybe I can stay a little longer.”
“Great.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and turned to face him. “What do you want to do?”
The answer wasn’t surprising. Sex. Nathaniel went through the motions. Caesar was his usual self—talking, asking, suggesting—like an enthusiastic orchestra conductor setting the tempo for a different kind of arrangement. Nathaniel remained silent, except when Caesar reached for the condoms and lube. Then he said no, ignoring the look of disapp
ointment that so perfectly mirrored his own. Afterwards in the shower he defrosted somewhat, washing Caesar’s back and wishing this hour could stretch into the many he had hoped for.
“I feel like I’m ruining your life,” Caesar said as he was pulling on his shoes.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Nathaniel said, sitting next to him on the bed.
“I’m serious.”
“I just wish you’d make more time for me. That’s all.”
Caesar shrugged helplessly. “I don’t see what else I can do.”
Nathaniel exhaled. “I’ve told you before. Tell your parents you’re staying the night at Kurt’s house and come see me instead.”
“And what? Cuddle up between you and Mr. Jung? I hate your dorm.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“I do,” Caesar said. “I’m not trying to be mean, but it’s hard to get into the mood there.”
Nathaniel looked at him. “Seriously? Your love stops if the environment isn’t right? This is more than just sex to me!”
“I know. I don’t mean it like that. But being there reminds me of how you should be in Connecticut. That was the plan. That was the promise.”
“Which changed because I wanted to be with you.”
“I didn’t ask you to do that.”
Nathaniel scowled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I feel like it’s my fault! And if you had asked, I would have told you not to stay. You need to be there, not here at some crappy college.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the University of Houston! I like it there. Yeah, my living situation sucks, but that will change.”
Caesar sulked. “It still won’t be Yale.”
“You’re such a fucking snob!”
“What am I supposed to do if they don’t let you in? Have you thought of that? It won’t be easy. I asked my dad if transferring to Yale was possible. I didn’t mention you, but even he laughed like there wasn’t a chance. My parents aren’t going to let me throw away my education.”
“You think that’s what I’m doing?” Nathaniel growled. “And hey, if you really think I’m destroying my life, the least you could do is bother answering my texts. What’s up with that?”
Caesar looked away.
A pit opened in Nathaniel’s stomach. “There’s a reason.”