by Jay Bell
Nathaniel realized he didn’t either, but the answer was just beneath the surface. “Are you okay? Have you been happy?”
Caesar locked eyes with him. “Yeah. I guess. It’s not easy living with all the stupid shit I’ve done, but there’s not a lot of choice. I fucked up.”
The waitress returned with their drinks, Caesar not looking at her this time. Instead he kept his gaze on Nathaniel. Once she was gone, he spoke again.
“I’m sorry. I know that probably doesn’t mean much to you, but it’s the truth.”
Nathaniel saw the sincerity in his eyes, nearly taken in by it. He needed to compose himself before he could travel further down that road. But he supposed a temporary treaty wouldn’t do any harm. “To answer your question, I work out every other day or so.”
Caesar blinked. Then he perked up. “It’s paid off because you’ve got a rockin’ bod! The beard scruff is killing me. Your boyfriend must feel like the luckiest guy in the world.”
Nathaniel raised an eyebrow to show he saw through this ruse. “I wouldn’t be meeting you if I wasn’t single. Don’t read into that. I just know better than to meet an ex-boyfriend when already in a happy relationship.”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” Caesar asked innocently. Then he laughed. “You’re probably dying to know if I’m single.”
“Nope.”
“Well it just so happens— Hey!”
Nathaniel cracked a smile. “Please tell me,” he deadpanned. “I can’t wait to find out.”
“I’m single.”
“I refuse to believe it! The great Casanova is all by himself?”
“Tragic, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Nathaniel said, allowing himself to sound serious. “It sort of is.”
Their food arrived, Caesar flirting with the waitress again, but this time winking at Nathaniel once her back was turned. He shook his head, pretending not to be charmed by this, when in fact he was.
“What about you? How many college guys have had their hearts broken by Nathaniel Courtney?”
“Fewer than you might think. As in zero.”
Caesar waited for the punch line, looking concerned when none came. “Zero?”
Nathaniel shrugged “I’ve been on a few dates.” Very few, mostly just to prove to himself that he wasn’t scared of love, which was like standing close to the aquarium glass to disprove a fear of sharks. “I get a lot of women asking me out. The guys weren’t really my type.”
“You can’t wait for them to come to you,” Caesar said. “Ever hit the bars? You’re twenty-one now, right?”
“Not yet, so no bars. Although I rarely have trouble buying beer. Must be the scruff.”
Caesar’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas.
Nathaniel chuckled. “You like to drink? Never mind, I remember you chugging that fruity stuff. You barely managed to keep it down too. What was it called?”
“Boone’s,” Caesar said, puffing up his chest, “and I’ll have you know that I drink beer with the big boys now. At least when I can get my hands on it.”
“I’m not buying you any.”
“Oh come on!” Caesar said, sounding like a pouty child.
Nathaniel shook his head, enjoying himself a little too much. And why not? As Caesar had said, what’s the worst that could happen? Nathaniel had survived a broken heart before. He could do so again.
They spent the rest of lunchtime reminiscing, trading stories they both knew while squabbling over the small details of who had said what or what happened when. Nathaniel prolonged the experience by ordering coffee, Caesar opting for a slice of pecan pie. Afterwards they strolled outside, the afternoon cooler now. Caesar shivered, rubbing his arms to warm himself.
“It’s too early in the year for just a T-shirt,” Nathaniel pointed out.
Caesar turned to face him. “I was hoping to impress you with these.” He flexed briefly. “But you’ve got me covered in that department.”
I’ve got you covered with these arms, Nathaniel could say. Then he would step forward and embrace Caesar, reminding them both that he had done so long ago when lost in the woods together. Only one thing held him back. Time to face the truth. “Where’s your car?”
Caesar nodded. “Over there.”
The vehicle was the same one Nathaniel had last seen him driving, a silver sedan, like his future as upper management was already certain. Caesar had taken care of it, or at least was a good driver, since the car had no scratches or dings. “Let’s get inside so you can warm up.”
Caesar nodded eagerly, digging in his pocket to unlock the doors. Once they were inside, Nathaniel noticed the faint smell of Caesar’s cologne mixed with that of the air freshener. He soaked in more details: the map on the floorboard with a muddy footprint on it, the sports bag in the backseat with wrestling gear sticking out of the top, the loose change filling the ashtray. Being here felt intimate. Not exactly like being in his bedroom again, but close enough to make Nathaniel want to be. He glanced over to find Caesar wearing a slightly questioning expression, as if to say, Want more?
Nathaniel broke eye contact. “When things ended—when you left me—it wasn’t just your parents or my situation. Was it? There was someone else.”
Caesar was quiet.
Nathaniel pressed on. “Steph?”
“I didn’t cheat on you.”
“But you left me for her.”
“I also left her for you,” Caesar pointed out. Then he sighed. “The timing was bad. We should have waited. Steph and I never last. We’ve tried enough times to know better, but neither of us really accepted back then that it wasn’t going to work. I love her. I really do. But we’re not meant to be. If I had figured that out before you and I got together, then maybe…”
“What?”
Caesar shrugged. “I like to think you and I would still be together now. That we would have been together all this time.”
Nathaniel wondered if that was possible. He couldn’t imagine being the one to leave, not unless Caesar had given him good reason. Such as loving someone else, even if nothing happened physically. Caesar had once asked him if emotional betrayal was worse than the physical kind. Nathaniel wasn’t sure, but if love was good, then could there ever be too much of it? He certainly didn’t blame Caesar for loving Steph. She had always taken the high road, remaining mostly civil when he had replaced her, and even helping him when she had nothing to gain. Steph was a good person. Caesar was right. Only the timing had been bad.
Nathaniel felt a hand touch his and jerked it away instinctively. “You and Steph had your chance,” he said. “It didn’t work out. The same could be said for us.”
Caesar shook his head. “We were interrupted.”
“Our relationship reached its natural conclusion. I couldn’t hold your attention.”
“That’s not true! I swear it’s not.”
“Then why aren’t we still together? If we were meant to be, how come we didn’t survive a little bad timing, huh?” Nathaniel exhaled and reached for the door handle. “It was good seeing you again.”
“I don’t want it to be the last time,” Caesar said hurriedly.
Nathaniel hesitated, then leaned back. “I don’t want it to be either. But I’m not making the same mistakes. That’s not who I am anymore. You know what happens to clay when it stops being pummeled?”
“What?”
“It hardens.”
Caesar considered him. “This probably isn’t the best time to make a dirty joke, is it?”
Nathaniel glared. “You’re an idiot.”
“I know.” Caesar sighed. “At the moment, I’m painfully aware of the fact.”
“Good. That makes me feel better. Friends?”
Caesar nodded. “Friends.”
* * * * *
Walking around the Yale campus was both invigorating and depressing. The air was thick with history, many of the buildings hundreds of years old. Spring break had just begun, meaning most students were gone, b
ut Nathaniel could imagine the long lawns filled with reclining bodies or the sound of footsteps rushing along stone walkways. He breathed deeply and turned in a slow circle. Yale resembled a collection of great cathedrals and charming parks. The University of Houston had some nice architecture and interesting sculptures here and there, but this… This was Yale!
“You’ve got the fever,” Rebecca said, taking one of his arms. “What did the admissions advisor say?”
“That they get over a thousand transfer applications a year.”
“And I bet very few of them are handed in personally.”
Nathaniel grimaced. “I think it’s going to take more than that. More than an impressive GPA. She asked why I hadn’t filled out the section on awards and recognitions.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t think she was impressed. She made sure to point out—twice—that only twenty or so transfer applications a year are successful.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah.”
Rebecca perked up. “Still, I’m sure you charmed her more than you realize. You’ve always been oblivious to how much women like you. And when they’re flirting with you.”
“Are you flirting with me now?”
“A little.” Rebecca squeezed his arm affectionately, then dragged him over to a bench. “When do you find out?”
“May.”
“I’ll make sure to send flowers. Of the congratulatory variety. Or maybe a trophy. You deserve one. It’ll happen. You’ve got this!”
Nathaniel laughed. “We’ll see. So how have things been with you? Any luck?”
They asked this question often, both of them understanding what it meant. Sadly, the answer rarely varied.
“Not really.” Rebecca sighed. “Well, kind of.”
“Yeah?” Nathaniel turned to face her better, one arm resting along the back of the bench.
“I let a guy feel me up.” She shot him a glance before continuing. She looked good, still a beanpole but lately her red hair was cropped short. Nathaniel thought she resembled a young Annie Lennox. “We went on a date, but it was just coffee. I’m not even sure that counts. Afterwards he took me to the stacks—”
“The stacks?”
“You know, the library—which has a notorious reputation.”
“The library,” Nathaniel repeated in dry tones. “Notorious.”
“Yup! I kind of figured that’s why we were there, but part of me was hoping the guy really liked to read. Anyway, he dragged me down one of the aisles—the botany section actually—and barely bothered to kiss me before he got all handsy.”
“You let him? Did you like it?”
“At first, because let’s face it, I’m probably the last virgin on campus. But then I realized I didn’t know his last name, and I started wondering if this was just him trying to cross ‘sex in the stacks’ off his list. Maybe he didn’t like me at all, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure I liked him. Once his hands moved lower, I called it off.”
“And then?”
“I found a really interesting book on the Allium family. Did you know that garlic has both antibacterial and antiviral properties?”
Nathaniel just stared at her.
Rebecca groaned. “I’m hopeless!”
“No, you’re smart! I don’t want your first time to be with some idiot who treats a cup of coffee like an admission ticket to your pants.”
“That would be dreadful,” Rebecca said without conviction. Then she shook her head. “No, you’re right. I’ll just keep waiting and hoping, all the while feeling pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic,” Nathaniel said. “And if you are, then so am I. I haven’t had sex since Caesar.”
Rebecca bit her bottom lip. “Is that why he’s back in your life?”
“No. We’re just friends.”
“So you’re not going to get back together with him? Or at least hook up?”
“Nope. We’ve hung out a few times, and it works. I won’t pretend there isn’t tension between us, but I’m trying to be a good role model for you. Although I might let him feel me up in the stacks.”
Rebecca laughed, then shook her head. “Don’t you find it tragic that neither of us is getting laid? Aside from all the studying and degrees, isn’t that what college is about?”
“That’s just the Hollywood version.”
“It’s not. You should hear some of my friends talk.” Rebecca nudged him. “You know what we should do? This is going to take you right back to high school, so bear with me. I say we go shopping and buy a bunch of men’s clothes for me. A fake mustache too. Then we’ll head back to my place, make sure the room is really dark, and I’ll send my cousin in to pleasure you.”
Nathaniel smirked. “This would be the cousin I’ve never heard of? Or met?”
“Yeah, him. Just keep your eyes closed tight. No peeking.”
Nathaniel chuckled. “I wish it was that easy. If I could do that for you, I would.”
Rebecca kept a straight face. “You sure? Last chance. I’m totally willing to take it up the butt for you.”
“I’d rather you find a guy who recognizes just how awesome you are.”
“Yeah, me too.” She patted his arm. “I’d also settle for having my best friend here with me.”
“I’m trying my damndest.” Nathaniel gazed across the campus, noticing a guy with a quarterback’s build. He supposed most gay guys would find that alluring, but for him, well-built guys triggered bad memories. “Did I tell you that my brother is getting married?”
“Ugh! No.”
“Yeah. He even sent me a wedding invitation.”
Rebecca looked concerned. “He has your address?”
“No, my mom hand-delivered it. It’s a completely harmless invitation, but still… Just getting it reminded me of one of those serial killer letters where they spell everything with magazine cutouts.”
“I already feel sorry for the woman deluded enough to marry him.”
Nathaniel frowned. “It’s worse than that. She’s pregnant.”
Rebecca closed her eyes briefly in sympathy. “We can only hope she’ll come to her senses. Maybe she’ll leave him at the altar.”
“Or I could leap up during the whole ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’ part. I can drum up so many reasons that it’ll be a sermon.”
“Tell me you’re not going!”
“My mom is pushing for me to be there. Pushing hard.”
“Then the battle is already lost.”
“Yeah. I think she sees it as a chance for all of us to make amends. Wanna be my date?”
Rebecca smiled. “I’ve been waiting a long time for you to ask me that question, and much to my surprise, the answer is no. I don’t think I could stomach seeing someone tie the knot with that monster.” She took his hand. “Just watch yourself, okay?”
“Trust me,” Nathaniel said. “I’ll be playing this very carefully.”
* * * * *
“I love weddings!”
Nathaniel turned to face the person who made this declaration, which was a bad idea, because he instantly felt tempted. The gray suit Caesar wore framed his body well, accentuating the narrow waist and broad shoulders. “Exactly how many have you been to?”
“I have a lot of cousins,” Caesar said, eying the decorated tables. White seemed to be the theme, whether cotton, lace, or silk. “Oh, and an uncle who has been married four times. No kidding. I’ve been there for three of them. Today though, that was magical.”
Nathaniel maintained his puzzled expression. At the church they had sat in uncomfortable pews watching as a small woman made foolish promises to a leering beast. All he’d been able to imagine during the ceremony was Dwight throttling her frail body until it snapped like a twig.
“You didn’t think so?” Caesar asked.
“I found the whole thing overwhelming.”
“Weddings make you nervous?” Caesar bumped shoulders with him. “Is that why you asked me to be your date?”
“Geez, when did you lose your sense of humor?”
Around the time you dumped me, Nathaniel wanted to reply. Before he could, Caesar took his hand and led him forward. His bitterness receded, like waves pulled back into the sea. Hell, even the sand had dried out in the sun, because this felt good. Having Caesar at his side, feeling the touch of his hand…
“Nathaniel plus one,” Caesar said to the wedding coordinator. Once they were shown to their seating assignments, they ignored them in favor of wandering around the small hall. Nathaniel kept part of his attention on the entrance, waiting for the bride and groom to enter. Once they did, he would make sure to stay far away from Dwight at all times.
They were at the buffet when his mother arrived. She wasn’t alone.
“Hey, Mom,” Nathaniel said, sparing the briefest possible nod for his father.
Star hugged him, squeezing Nathaniel like a giant teddy bear. Then she turned to Caesar. “Do my eyes deceive me?” She opened her arms. “Talk about a blast from the past! How are you?”
“Hi, Mrs. Courtney.” Caesar grinned bashfully. Then he extended a hand to Heath. “I don’t think we’ve met before.”
Heath stepped forward to accept his hand, but his eyes were on Nathaniel. “It’s really great to see you both.”
The buffet became Nathaniel’s sole focus as he loaded a plate with crab salad and a few deviled eggs.
“The decorators did a great job,” Caesar said. “I was just telling your son that I’m sort of an expert on weddings.” He paused, probably hoping Nathaniel would join the conversation, but nothing mattered more to him right now than the buffet. “Uh, anyway, this is one of the nicest receptions I’ve been to.”
“It just so happens,” Star said with pride, “that I micromanaged the hell out of it. Come see the pillars of balloons before one of the kids starts popping them.”
Nathaniel looked up in panic as his mother’s voice faded away. She was taking Caesar with her, leaving him alone with—