by Jay Bell
“Yeah,” Nathaniel said, dropping his gaze to the desk’s surface. When he looked up again, Michelle was studying his face curiously. Perhaps she saw some shadow of Victor there.
“Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“Probably,” he said. “But we’re not here to talk about me, are we?”
“No,” Michelle said, considering her notes again. “Listen, I appreciate you being here, and for being so honest. I can only do the same. Men don’t go to prison forever, not even for breaking their parole. Depending on the judge, Dwight might not even be sent back. If he is, I’d be surprised if he’s not out within a year. I know you want to keep Arthur with his mother, but I need to know that he’ll be safe. That’s my job.”
Nathaniel nodded. Getting smacked across the face with a beer mug had bought his nephew a little time, a brief period where he no longer had to fear his father. Nothing more.
* * * * *
We either die alone, or we die in the arms of the person we love most. These words haunted Nathaniel during the next week. He knew Michelle wasn’t being literal, that most people died with someone at their bedside or at least waiting outside the hospital room. Still, the images remained with him. He imagined a future where Zero, his mother, even Marcello were long since dead. Nathaniel would be just another face in a nursing home, alone and awaiting the inevitable. No family, no friends, no lover. Then he imagined the alternative, him and Kelly growing old together, having to bury his greatest love and dying of grief soon after. Both scenarios were bleak, but one less so. With this in mind, when he returned to Austin, he didn’t go first to his apartment. He drove straight to Kelly’s house, put Zero on his leash, and walked with him to the porch. He rang the bell, awaiting a burst of anger when the door opened or maybe tears of joy. Instead he got a teenager who crossed his arms over his chest.
“I told you not to fuck this up,” Royal said. Then he dropped the tough guy act so he could crouch and pet Zero.
“Is your brother here?” Nathaniel asked.
Royal glanced up. “What happened to your face?”
Nathaniel touched his bruised cheek self-consciously. “I got into a philosophical disagreement.”
“Oh.”
“Is Kelly home?”
Royal shook his head. “He’s gone.”
“Where is he?”
Royal stood and looked him in the eyes. “Gone.”
“Listen, I messed up, okay? I’m sorry, and I’d like to tell your brother that.”
“You’ll have to find him first. He let us take him to the airport, but he wouldn’t tell us which flight he was getting on.”
Nathaniel sighed. “If he doesn’t want to see me, that’s fine. I don’t blame him. You don’t have to lie to me.”
“He’s gone.” Royal’s expression wavered, anger trying to banish the hurt. “I’m not happy about it either.”
“You’re serious?” Nathaniel swore. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”
Royal shook his head. “You can find him, right? You’re good at stuff like that. Kelly always told us that you can do anything.”
“Yeah,” Nathaniel replied bitterly. “I’m real clever.”
He turned and tugged on Zero’s leash, walking them back to the car. He drove one block and parked again. He felt like slamming his fist against the steering wheel, but instead leaned his head against it and tried not to cry. Royal was right. He had fucked it all up. Kelly had finally had enough. Maybe once he realized that Nathaniel was gone, he decided to do the same. Except he was stronger and wouldn’t come running back after two weeks. He might not ever come back at all.
Nathaniel could find him. Marcello probably had a contact at the airport—a manager or even a flight attendant willing to do a little record searching, but loving Kelly meant respecting his decision, his right to be free. Nathaniel wouldn’t force his way back in after forcing Kelly out. That wouldn’t be fair. All Nathaniel could do was what he’d done before—look out for Kelly’s best interests.
After considering his options, he drove to another house. This time a woman answered the door, but after some prompting, she went to fetch her son.
“Well, well,” Layne said, leaning against the doorway seductively. “Does Kelly know you’re here?”
“No,” Nathaniel grunted.
“Looking for a rebound, are you?” Layne’s flirtations ceased suddenly. “You know what? Kelly would kill me. Not worth the risk. Sorry!”
Nathaniel stopped the door from slamming shut. “You know he’s gone, right?”
Layne nodded. “He came to one last meeting to say goodbye. It was heartbreaking and deliciously dramatic. He’s got amazing style.”
“You two are friends?”
“Not real close, but yes.”
Not real close was perfect. If Nathaniel tried this with Royal or Bonnie, they would tell Kelly immediately. “Consider yourself his new best friend. You have his email address?”
“I might.” Layne peered at him suspiciously. “What happened to your face? Is that from when Rico beat you up?”
“He didn’t beat me up! This is from—“ Nathaniel shook his head. “It’s not important.”
“Well it’s working for you. Very macho. Maybe I should try something similar. Of course that would require punching myself in the face. Or maybe a little creative makeup application. I was in drama at school and they have these things called a bruise wheel. This one girl I know tried using it to get her boyfriend in trouble. Lucky for him she totally overdid it and looked more like she’d been working in a coal mine.”
Nathaniel took a deep breath, trying to remain patient. “I need a favor. Please.”
Layne seemed to struggle internally. Then he nodded. “I’m all ears.”
“I need you to stay in touch with Kelly. Frequently. Make sure he’s okay. You don’t have to tell me where he is or what he’s doing unless he’s in trouble. Then you let me know immediately.”
“Creepy, but also kind of hot.” Layne put his hands on his hips. “What’s in it for me?”
“Money.”
“That’ll do!”
“And a paid trip to visit him a least once a year, just to make sure he’s really doing okay.”
Layne perked up. “Can I get some spy equipment? Like one of those pens with a camera inside? Or maybe a stylish pair of glasses!”
“With a camera inside?”
Layne shrugged. “Whatever.”
“I’m serious,” Nathaniel said. “I don’t want you to spy on him. I just need you to be his guardian angel. Or help me to be. Please.”
Layne nodded. “Okay. No problem. Gosh, I wish I had a guy like you in my life!”
Nathaniel grimaced. “Trust me, you really don’t.”
After making further arrangements with Layne, Nathaniel headed home, but when he got there he found the term no longer applied. The apartment felt empty. Even Zero was silent as they entered, tail not wagging as they walked from room to room, stopping in front of the bed. The side Kelly normally slept on was still unmade. Nathaniel was tempted to leave it that way, just so he would never forget. Then he shook his head, grabbed the sheets and covers, and ripped them off. Even after he had remade the bed with fresh linens, the memories made there remained. By now Zero should be leaping up on the mattress, panting happily as if Nathaniel had changed the sheets just to please him. Instead he lay on the floor with his head on his paws.
“Yeah, me too,” Nathaniel said. “Come on. We’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”
Zero followed him out of the room, Nathaniel pausing in the doorway, hand on the light switch. He looked back at a space that used to be filled with love, laughter, sex, and late night conversations. Now, much like the feeling in his chest, the room was empty.
Interlude
Kelly set the empty wine glass on the table, shaking his head when Nathaniel offered a refill. Just as well. The bottle was nearly empty, the sky growing light outside. Nathaniel watched him ca
refully, not knowing how Kelly would react now that his story was mostly over.
“Layne,” Kelly said, appearing amused. “Do you have any idea how many emails he sends me? Usually it’s a funny animal photo with a meme and a little bit of text saying ‘Oh, and by the way, how are you doing?’”
“Sorry,” Nathaniel said, feeling anything but.
“It’s fine. I like him, and he’s not a good enough actor to fake liking me. His visits were fun, although now I know why he always clammed up when I mentioned you.”
“Was that often?” Nathaniel asked.
“More often than was justified,” Kelly murmured in response. “You should be ancient history by now. Forgotten.”
Nathaniel swallowed. “Don’t say that.”
Kelly considered him. Then he sighed. “What happened to Sheila and Arthur? You didn’t finish that story.”
“I already told you what I did to help.”
“Yes, but it sounded like the caseworker felt Arthur still needed to be taken away.”
“We’re getting off track,” Nathaniel said. “I shouldn’t have even mentioned that.”
“I’d still like to know what happened.”
“I’m sure they’re fine. Now please, can we focus on us?”
Kelly pursed his lips. “Fine. Is there anything else I need to know?”
“I guess so.”
“Well?”
Nathaniel looked away. “Caesar.”
“What about him?”
“He showed up in my life again a month or two back.”
Kelly snorted. “And you told him to fuck off. Right?”
Nathaniel made eye contact. “Not exactly.”
“If you think I want to hear about this, you’re wrong. I haven’t been celibate since we parted ways, but at least I have the decency not to—”
“I’m not bragging or anything else,” Nathaniel interrupted. “It’s important. It won’t take long, I promise.”
“Okay,” Kelly said, leaning back. “Let’s hear it.”
__________
Part Three
Austin, 2013
__________
Chapter Twenty
Come back to me.
Every sleepless night spent staring at the ceiling, every slow day at work, Nathaniel sent out this silent prayer. His desperate wish. He never truly expected that prayer to be answered, but it was. By the wrong person.
“There’s someone here to see you,” said Paul, a heavy-set security guard who was forced to play receptionist at times.
“Get rid of them,” Nathaniel suggested.
“You sure?” Paul hooked his thumbs in his belt. “He’s a good lookin’ fella.”
“Another wanna-be model,” Nathaniel said irritably. “Does he have a name?”
Paul snickered and nodded. “Caesar. Probably thinks he’s the next Prince.”
“Caesar Hubbard?” Nathaniel asked disbelievingly.
“That’s the one.”
He stood up, mouth agape, unable to formulate a response.
Paul gave him a knowing expression. “I’ll send him up.”
Nathaniel nodded, wishing he had a mirror to check himself in. He glanced around his office and started tidying his desk, then had a brief flash of Caesar’s always-messy bedroom. Like he would care. Caesar wasn’t here to do an inspection. Why was he here at all? Footsteps echoed in the hallway. Nathaniel was still standing. Sitting seemed too casual, so he remained where he was and watched the doorway until it was filled by the past.
Caesar, all grown up. His face was more defined, maturity having chased away any traces of adolescence. The cheekbones stood out more, accentuated by the casual beard, like he only bothered shaving once a week. Waves of dark hair spilled over his ears and halfway down his neck, the natural auburn highlights and brown skin hinting at days spent in the sun. His body was still lanky, arm muscles on display thanks to the loose tank top he wore. Amber eyes met Nathaniel’s after looking him over, a white smile flashing a moment later.
“Surprised?”
“Only that it took this long,” Nathaniel said, mustering false confidence. “Now I just have to decide what the hell I’m going to do with you.”
“I figured you’d either punch me or hug me.” Caesar chuckled. “You can guess which I prefer.”
Nathaniel did neither. Instead he asked the most pressing question. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh. Your work address was the only one I could find, otherwise I would have showed up at your house unannounced. Nice setup.” Caesar strolled closer, looking around. “You’ve got the coveted corner office. That means you’re high on the food chain. What exactly do you do here?”
“Logistics.”
“Like shipping?”
“Like everything. What are you doing here? In Austin.”
Caesar read his expression. “Still mad at me?”
Nathaniel considered the question. “I don’t know.”
“Mind if I sit?”
Nathaniel didn’t respond.
Caesar remained where he was. “I’ve been doing a lot of travelling lately, and when I realized I’d be passing through Austin, I thought it would be nice to see each other again. Catch up, compare notes, laugh about the past.”
Nathaniel wasn’t laughing. “How did you know where to find me?”
Caesar sighed. “I’ve been following you since the day you left. As much as possible anyway. Who doesn’t have a Facebook account?”
“I like my privacy.”
“There’s no escaping Google Alerts. Your name pops up occasionally. Charity events and stuff like that. I’m proud of you.”
“It’s my job,” Nathaniel said.
Caesar considered him, then shrugged. “I’m proud of you anyway. I might not be a part of your life anymore, but you never stopped being part of mine. I guess that sounds creepy, doesn’t it?”
Nathaniel thought of Kelly and averted his eyes. “Not really.”
“We were young,” Caesar said. “I know it didn’t seem like it at the time. I felt so grown up then, but looking back now, I was just a kid. One who made some very stupid mistakes. I’d like to apologize for them, preferably over dinner. Tonight?”
Nathaniel shook his head. “I need to go home and cook. I’ve got mouths to feed.”
Caesar stiffened. “Oh! I didn’t know. Uh…”
“Just one mouth, aside from my own.”
“A kid?”
“A dog.”
Caesar visibly relaxed. “You’re messing with me, aren’t you?”
“A little.” Nathaniel sat, raising an eyebrow to stop Caesar from doing the same. Then he jotted down his address on a scrap of paper and pushed it to the very edge of the desk. “Steak dinner at my house. Tonight. Around seven. Your treat. We can grill in the yard. Bring extra for the dog.”
“Sounds good.” Caesar stepped forward to take the paper. He was staring at Nathaniel. “You look amazing. Better than ever.”
Nathaniel managed to keep his expression neutral. “I’ve got work to do.”
“Okay. See you soon.”
Nathaniel remained still until Caesar left the room. Then he turned off the computer monitor, considering himself in the faint reflection. Soon after, he grinned. “Better than ever, huh?” Feeling smug, Nathaniel busied himself with work, already watching the clock.
* * * * *
Nathaniel returned home early to take a shower and put on clothes too dressy for grilling. Then he straightened up the apartment, trying to ignore Zero’s questioning expression. “We’re having someone over for dinner, that’s all.” When this didn’t satisfy the dog, he realized that Zero probably needed to go for a walk. After taking care of the dog’s needs, he gathered some plates, utensils, and condiments, tossed them into a box, and went outside.
Caesar was just getting out of his car as Nathaniel and Zero came down the stairs. He took off his sunglasses, considering the apartment complex. “Almost missed the place,” he sai
d with a wry grin. “Figured you’d have a mansion to go along with that corner office.”
“It’s still being built,” Nathaniel said. “Where’s the food?”
Caesar went around to the passenger side to fetch loaded plastic bags. This got Zero’s attention, who started leaping around his legs. Caesar’s expression wasn’t amused. He lifted the bags up high, grimacing down at the dog.
“Zero,” Nathaniel said. “Come here.”
The dog grudgingly obeyed. They walked to the grilling area on one side of the building. Nathaniel had already filled the steel grill box with charcoal before taking his shower. He set about lighting it while Caesar unpacked the grocery bags onto the picnic table. The clinking of bottles attracted his attention.
“Check it out,” Caesar said, hand resting on a six-pack. “I actually bought you beer for a change. Bet you never thought that would happen!”
“You owe me way more than that,” Nathaniel said.
“Then consider this a down payment.”
“I’m ready to deposit one now.”
“Coming right up!”
Their banter remained light as they drank and grilled the steaks. Only when they were seated did Nathaniel start asking questions.
“Did you graduate from Yale?”
“By the skin of my teeth,” Caesar said. “Got a cushy job with my father’s company and wasted no time ruining it all.”
“What happened?”
Caesar jabbed at his steak. “I’d rather not talk about it.”
Nathaniel wasn’t okay with that, but he had more pressing questions. “What about you and Rebecca?”
Caesar looked up in surprise. “Ancient history. We weren’t a couple or anything. We went our separate ways after you left.”
“What a waste.”
“Huh?”
Nathaniel frowned. “Considering how much was ruined by what happened, you two should have made something out of the mess. Rebecca could have finally had the boyfriend she always wanted.”
Caesar shook his head. “We couldn’t look at each other without thinking of you and how guilty we felt. It never would have lasted. So what about you? Anyone special?”