by Jay Bell
“What do you think I’ve been doing these past three years?” Nathaniel demanded. “I’ve been living with the pain! If I can survive it on my own, I’m pretty damn sure it’ll be more bearable with you in my life again.”
Kelly looked tempted, but shook his head. “I never would have left you.”
“You did leave me! Don’t pretend your love is perfect, because you could have come back. You could have kept fighting. Instead you gave up on me and left.”
“All I was doing is what you asked!” Kelly pulled his hands free. “But maybe you’re right. You knew where to find me but never did anything about it. I knew where to find you too, but we both stayed away. Maybe there’s a reason for that. Seeing each other here tonight, all these feelings we have, maybe it’s just nostalgia.”
“It’s not,” Nathaniel said.
“Then why did we wait so long?” Kelly grabbed the wrapped box from the table, then walked to the elevator. He turned around to address the room, but he was no longer speaking to Nathaniel. “You can either open the doors, or I’m taking the fire escape. One way or another, I’m leaving. Right now.”
A moment later, the elevator doors opened. Kelly stepped inside but prevented them from closing again. His lip was trembling as he considered Nathaniel. “I will always love you,” he said. “I’m sorry that I failed you too.”
Then he let go, the doors sliding shut. Nathaniel moaned, slumped onto the couch, and covered his face with his hands. When he pulled them away again they were wet. He ignored the phone ringing on Marcello’s desk, knowing who it would be and not wanting to hear comforting words. Not from him. He only wanted to talk to one person. She would be up by now. Nathaniel stood, leaving the framed photo behind. The elevator came when summoned. He left the building, finding the parking lot empty except for his car.
Nathaniel drove home, but when he got there, he went to the apartment across from his own and knocked on the door. A sleepy-looking kid with brownish-blond hair opened it and hugged Nathaniel’s legs automatically before tromping back toward the television, where Zero was helping himself to an unguarded bowl of cereal. Nathaniel shook his head and went to the kitchen. Sheila gasped in surprise. “I didn’t hear you come in!”
“Arthur let me in. Might want to talk to him about answering the door without checking to see who’s on the other side. Just in case. Oh, and he’ll need another bowl of cereal.”
“Zero?”
“Yeah. Thanks for taking care of him. I’m glad you got my text.”
“No problem. Arthur was thrilled to share his bed with a dog. He pretended to be one too. Coffee?”
“Okay.” Nathaniel sat at the kitchen table.
Sheila poured two cups and joined him. “How did it go?” She winced at his expression. “That bad?”
“I deserve worse.”
“None of that self-pity crap.” Sheila reached across the table to slap his hand. “We’ve talked about this. Try again. How did it go?”
Nathaniel met her eye. “I opened up to him, told him my life story. I figured the truth was the only way Kelly might forgive me, but it wasn’t enough.”
“Did you tell him about me and Arthur? What you did for us?”
Nathaniel rolled his eyes. “I didn’t want to use that as leverage.”
“You relocated us to Austin and supported us until Arthur went to kindergarten, just so I could keep an eye on him. Michelle said she had never seen anything like it. That’s not leverage. That’s showing him that you’re a good man.”
“Kelly knows who I am,” Nathaniel said. “He’s angry that I didn’t try to find him sooner and disappointed that he didn’t try either. We gave up on each other.”
Sheila took a sip of her coffee. “Is that true? Have you given up?”
“What am I going to do?” Nathaniel said. “I offered myself to him. Everything I’ve got. It wasn’t enough.”
“You gave him words,” Sheila said. “And I have no doubt that they were heartfelt, but sometimes it takes more. You helped me rebuild my life. You rebuilt yours when you left Yale, and Kelly did the same when he decided to leave Austin. Consider that. Then ask yourself if I would ever take Dwight back.”
“You’re too smart for that.”
“And you were too smart to take Caesar back. Why is that?”
“Because there’s no way I was going to repeat the same mistakes,” Nathaniel said. “Otherwise, everything I’ve done since then would become meaningless.” He blinked a few times. Then he groaned. “That’s how Kelly feels, isn’t it?”
“Probably.”
“Then it’s hopeless.”
“It’s only hopeless if you give up.” Sheila sighed. “I’m going to hate myself for saying this, because I really want to be selfish and keep you with me forever, but you can’t win Kelly over by staying here. Austin is his past now, and so are you for the time being. That needs to change. If you want to win Kelly again, you need to become a part of his new life.”
“He lives in New York,” Nathaniel said.
“That’s fine. Arthur and I are okay now. We really are.”
“Caesar tried to become part of my new life. Look how that turned out.”
“He got you drunk every night and strolled into the living room naked one morning. I don’t know how you can win back Kelly, but I’m pretty sure you can do better than that. If you don’t try, you’ll never forgive yourself. Hell, if you don’t get your butt up to New York, I’ll never forgive you.”
“Me neither,” Arthur said, padding into the room with a cereal bowl that had been licked clean. He couldn’t know what they were talking about, but Nathaniel felt outnumbered anyway.
“New York,” he said with an exhausted sigh.
He pictured endless skyscrapers and sidewalks overburdened with anonymous pedestrians. Then he remembered Kelly in the elevator, his lip trembling with emotion, and knew he would travel to the depths of Hell to prevent that from being their last memory of each other.
* * * * *
Layne arrived at Mozart’s Coffee wearing huge sunglasses and a shawl concealing most of his head. He glanced around dramatically at the café’s raw brick walls and wooden tables, then back at the door he had just walked through, assessing his chances of having been followed. Did he look ridiculous? Yes. And yet, his oddly vintage style made Nathaniel want to rush home and put on a classic spy movie. Something with a glamorous leading lady and a car chase—a convertible racing along the rocky coasts of northern California.
Nathaniel raised a hand to attract attention. Layne approached the table, unwrapping the shawl and removing his shades. He glanced around once more before saying, in hushed conspiring tones, “I need to borrow ten dollars.”
Nathaniel sighed and pulled out his wallet.
Layne must have noticed all the bills there because he added, “Better make it twenty. The red velvet cake makes me weak at the knees.”
“Here’s fifty,” Nathaniel said. “Hurry up.”
“Can we sit outside? I love the lake view.”
Nathaniel gritted his teeth, picked up his coffee, and stood. “I’ll find us a seat.”
A long wooden deck extended over the edge of Lake Austin, offering an impressive view. Nathaniel secured them a table next to the rail, tense with impatience by the time Layne showed up with a chai latte, a slice of cake, and a smile.
“Don’t you just adore this place?”
“It’s great,” Nathaniel responded. “Care to explain why you dragged me out here instead of sending me what I need via email?”
Layne made a face, sat down, and arranged his items on the table until satisfied. Then he assessed Nathaniel critically and nodded. “It’s been a long time,” he said. “Years! For all I know, you could have become some crazy junkie with Charles Manson’s tattoo on your forehead. You look okay though. I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating cookies. Hell, I’d leave a trail of Oreos leading right to my pillow, ha ha! Do you like Oreos?”
Nathani
el merely glared.
“I guess not.” Layne took a sip of his tea, cutely scrunching up his nose when wiping the foam off his upper lip. Then he pulled a piece of folded paper from his pocket and held it up. “Why do you want Kelly’s address? What are you going to do with it?”
“I don’t know,” Nathaniel said. “I’m moving to New York. It’s not like I’m going to run into him by chance, so I thought… I don’t know.”
“You’re just going to sit outside his apartment and hope to be noticed?” Layne sighed wistfully. “I wish I had a stalker. Still, unless you’re going to serenade him from the street, you can’t just loiter there. It’s creepy.”
“I’d rather bump into him at his favorite haunts. I don’t know where those are, but I’m sure anyone who had visited him recently—and had their ticket paid for by a third party—would have more information than I do.”
“We need to talk about those flights,” Layne said. “Economy won’t do anymore. I need an upgrade.”
“You’ll need an ambulance if you don’t start cooperating.”
“Fine.” Layne unfolded the paper, which had a printed address on it. He added a few more names and locations, consulting his phone a few times. When he was done, he pushed the paper across the table. “There you go, although you probably won’t find him at any of those places. He’s been struggling lately.”
Nathaniel took the paper, barely glancing at it. “What do you mean?”
“He’s broke. Finally blew through all that modeling money. He’s been trying to sell his photos but isn’t having much luck. Did you see his gallery opening last week? That was his first big break, so maybe he’s doing better. All I know is he got totally emo while texting me about how fierce competition is up there.” Layne grabbed his phone, thumb swiping the screen over and over again as he scrolled through his history. Then he read aloud. “Everyone’s an artist in New York. Everyone except me.”
Nathaniel’s brow furrowed. “He sold some stuff recently. That should help. Right?”
“If not, are you going to rescue him? Maybe go buy all of his photos without him knowing? God, that would be romantic.”
Nathaniel shook his head. “Kelly wouldn’t like that.” He glanced out over the lake, the water reflecting the orange light of the setting sun. “Then again, I’m not sure what he likes anymore.”
* * * * *
The knock at the front door was gentle and unexpected. Nathaniel tore his attention away from the suitcase he was packing, trying to decide who it was and whether to answer it. Arthur tended to kick the door instead of knocking, and Sheila had a key. He didn’t expect to see Caesar again, and he knew for a fact that Kelly had flown back to New York. When the gentle rapping repeated, he went to investigate. After peering through the peephole, he felt even more confused as he opened the door.
“Good evening,” Marcello said, craning his neck over a huge bouquet of flowers. “May I come in?”
Nathaniel stared, then gestured for him to enter. Zero stirred, spotted Marcello, and began leaping around him, threatening to knock him over. Nathaniel ignored this and proceeded to the living room. When he turned around, a trail of leaves and flower petals marked Marcello’s progress, the large man still being harassed by the dog.
“That’s enough,” Nathaniel said.
Zero changed tactics, hopping up on the couch to secure his favorite spot so he wouldn’t have to share it.
Marcello set the bouquet on the coffee table and brushed himself off. “Never have I met such an unruly beast with complete disregard for personal space. Actually, I take that back. In the seventies I had an encounter with a deliciously beefy Turkish man working at a bath house. At least I thought he worked there. Only later did I find out that he had escaped from—”
“What are you doing here?” Nathaniel interrupted.
Marcello hesitated, glancing around the apartment as if to find some pretense. When this failed, his arms flopped to his sides. “The problem with being wrong is that, up until the moment of realization, it feels just like being right. I thought that you and Kelly simply needed to clear the air, but not all bridges are so easily mended. I should have known better. I’m sorry if I put you through any unnecessary pain.”
“It’s fine,” Nathaniel said. “Would you like something to drink? I’m pretty sure I have a bottle of champagne in the cupboard. Not chilled, but I can throw it in the freezer for a few minutes.”
“No, thank you,” Marcello said. “This is no time to celebrate.”
He looked… sad? Nathaniel couldn’t remember ever seeing him so down. A little pensive at times when talking about friends he had lost or solemn when a business deal didn’t go through, but sorrow had never been part of Marcello’s repertoire. Not until now. “You read my letter,” Nathaniel guessed. “You weren’t supposed to. Not yet.”
“I tend to overlook the first two words of any sentence beginning with ‘do not’ so I can act immediately on the remainder.”
Nathaniel deciphered this as quickly as he could. “Do not sit with me at the table.”
Marcello nodded cordially. “It would be my pleasure.” He followed Nathaniel to the corner of the room that functioned as the dining area. He surveyed the apartment again as he moved a chair away from the table and sat. “Considering how much you earn, you can do better than a one-bedroom apartment. That used to puzzle me. At first I thought you were stingy, that you didn’t want to invest in a nicer home and instead preferred that the company continued paying your rent.”
“I took over the lease after the first three months of living here.”
“As I later discovered,” Marcello said, nodding in confirmation. “And yet, all these years on, you still live well below your means. You’re no penny-pincher. I’ve seen the amounts you’ve spent making sure Kelly has what he needs. Prosthetics aren’t cheap.”
“He has a specialized health insurance plan—”
“Which he doesn’t pay a dime for, thanks to a very small foundation that helps people like him. Just one person, in fact. Is he aware of this?”
“Of course not, and don’t you dare say a word!”
“My lips—as always—are sealed. Then there is the young woman living across from you, and her child, who you’ve spared no expense on. I daresay their lives would be quite different if not for the help you provide.”
“How do you know about that?” Nathaniel asked.
“You consult with company lawyers. The lawyers consult with me.”
Nathaniel sighed. “Look, if this is supposed to be a pep talk about what a good person I am, and how someone will recognize that one day, save your breath. You read my letter. I want Kelly. I’m not giving up on him. Not this time.”
Marcello shook his head. “I would never delude myself into thinking I could direct the inclinations of another’s heart, especially when I have so little control over my own. I suppose that is why I’m here. I won’t stop you from going after Kelly, but why did you feel it necessary to turn in your resignation?”
“To show him I’m willing to make sacrifices. I’m asking permission to be a part of his world, when previously I made him earn the right to be a part of mine. I can’t divide my attention anymore or feel like I have obligations that I need to return to eventually. I need to focus on the future because only there can Kelly and I be together.”
“I see. And you feel that future doesn’t involve Austin?”
“Exactly.”
Marcello sniffed and nodded. “You remember Kenneth, your predecessor? When I first met him, I saw someone just as cunning as myself, a person clever enough to keep the business running without me. I’m not getting any younger, and I may have mentioned a severe lack of family in my life. I have none, in fact. At least not of the traditional variety. It’s ironic then that Kenneth tried to wrest control of the company from me. Had he simply waited, it all would have been his eventually. I’m glad that didn’t come to pass because he lacked one essential trait that you possess in s
pades. Generosity. That’s why I came here singing your praises tonight. Kenneth might have led the company to more profitable horizons, but he would not have bothered with my fundraisers and such. He always treated them as bothersome and unnecessary. I don’t have that fear with you. In a way, that’s what you’re already doing—finding ways to share your success with those who need it most. I’m proud of you, and lately I’ve become rather fond of the idea of you being there during my final days. Not just as a business partner, or my successor, but rather like a son.”
Nathaniel swallowed against the emotions he felt rising. “You’re a silly old man. You know that?”
“I take pride in it,” Marcello said. “Not so much the old part, but I suppose if I’m willing to trust you with everything else, I can admit it just this once. I’m old and that means I’ve seen far too many of the best things in my life slip away. Friends and lovers all carried away by the whims of chance. I’m not willing to let you go.”
“I need to do this,” Nathaniel said. “I’m sorry I’m letting you down, but I do.”
Marcello shook his head and smiled. “You’re not letting me down. You’re living up to my expectations. I’m too selfish to give you my blessing, but please know that I’ll be here. No matter what happens in the future, no matter how successful you become in New York, you will always have a home in Austin.”
“Thank you,” Nathaniel managed to say.
“Now then, let’s see about that bottle of champagne. Perhaps I can get you drunk enough to oversleep and miss your flight.”
Nathaniel grinned. “It’s worth a shot.”
* * * * *
The first few days in New York were spent playing tourist and hoping that fate would intervene. While visitors gazed upward in wonder at the advertising blitz in Times Square or walked the Brooklyn Bridge to gawk at the city skyline, Nathaniel scanned the crowds, hoping against the odds that he would find Kelly there. Of course this didn't happen.
On the third night after his arrival, Nathaniel grabbed a few pizza slices on his way back to the hotel, feeling an urge to buy extra for Zero and a pang of sorrow when he remembered the dog was in Austin with Sheila. Nathaniel needed to find an apartment before he brought Zero to New York, so he began his search online while he ate. He kept nudging the search results toward Kelly's neighborhood, managing to find a rental that looked promising. After making an appointment to see the place the next afternoon, he went to his hotel’s gym, feeling sluggish from so much eating out.