"No, hear me out. I'm being serious this time."
I tried to keep a straight face. This conversation was bound to happen. I mean, we're teenagers over-flowing with hormones. Not to mention that most of our friends had actually done it, whether they admitted to it or not. There were times that I thought about it too, wondering if Adam would be the one I'd end up doing it with.
Adam shifted in his seat. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. I waited.
Questions began sprouting like mushrooms in my head, and I could only hope that he wouldn't see the panic slowly building up in my chest. Is he going to ask me to have sex with him? Had he been wanting to do it for so long?
Luckily, Adam didn't seem to notice my turmoil, or maybe he was panicking as well.
"We won't do it until you're ready," he said. "But it's not like I'm waiting for it all the time or anything."
He leaned closer, his green eyes smoldering like burning emeralds. "We have a lot of time and I'm going to wait, because... I love you."
It was the first time Adam had said those three words, and it was as if I had died and gone to heaven. My heart began beating wildly in my chest, making it hard to breathe.
I opened my mouth to speak. To tell him that I love him as well, but I couldn't. Instead, I smiled. I knew I looked like an idiot, but I couldn't help it. I just stared at his face, wondering how I ended up snagging this gorgeous guy who was too good to be true.
He closed the gap between us, his soft lips meeting mine, teasing at first. Then I closed my eyes, opened my mouth a little and felt his tongue brush against mine. An electric current zinged through my body, making my breath hitch. I felt his hand on my waist as I allowed myself to lean closer, like a magnet attracted to its opposite charge. That was when the first bell rang.
Adam grunted as we continued making out in his car. I wanted to spend the entire day like this, but I figured that it wouldn't go well with our we're going to wait agreement.
"We're going to be late," I said breathlessly, as I grudgingly pulled away from him.
Adam smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," he said, though he didn't look nor sound sorry at all. Neither was I.
Chapter Two
"So, what did you get him?" Sara asked as soon as we met in front of our lockers. We had less than two minutes to get into class and since our first subject for the day was Ms. Ingrid's, a.k.a The Russian Calculus Fatale, we grabbed our books as if our lives depended on them.
"I haven't given it to him yet," I said as I clutched my books over my chest, still savoring the lingering sweetness of Adam's lips.
"But what is it?"
"It's nothing special; actually, I'm even having second thoughts about giving it to him. Do you−"
BANG
Sara slammed her locker shut with so much force that it startled me. "Are you going to have sex with him?!" she asked, her eyes widening.
Some students who were rushing down the hall stopped to stare at us. I felt my cheeks burn.
"God! Why is everybody so interested in my sex life today?" I closed my locker and sped off toward our first class. Sara followed behind me, her immaculate blonde hair sashaying as she kept up with my pace.
"Are you? And who's everybody?"
"No one, and let's drop the subject okay?"
"Fine," she replied, though her tone suggested otherwise.
Sara plopped down on an empty seat in front of me just as Ms. Ingrid entered the room. The Russian Calculus Fatale was wearing a tight red dress that made her look thinner than she already was. Her strawberry blonde hair was set in a tight bun on top of her head, and her glasses magnified her eyes like some kind of a Japanese chibi. To top it off, she spoke with a thick Russian accent that made it difficult for us to take her seriously. Despite my hatred for her subject, I actually felt bad for her.
Suppressed laughter spread throughout the room like wildfire, which didn't go unnoticed. TRCF started lecturing us about respect and proper decorum, a lecture we had come to know by heart.
Sara took the opportunity and leaned over my desk, her beautiful pixie features glowing like a lighted candle.
"So, what did you get him?"
I sighed, "You really won't stop until I tell you, right?"
"I'm your best friend," Sara said, as if that justified her nosiness.
"You wouldn't even help me pick out his present."
"He's not my boyfriend and you know him way better."
"You could've at least suggested something."
"Just tell me what it is," Sara said impatiently, holding up her balled fist in front of my face.
"It's a mix CD."
"Oh," her face fell in disappointment. "Why are you having second thoughts on giving it to him?"
"I don't think it's enough, especially after..."
"After what?"
"He said it."
Sara's face scrunched up in confusion. "What?"
I took a quick glance at TRCF. She had reached the middle of her lecture, and I estimated that we still had about three minutes before our real class began.
"Adam told me that he loves me," I said, dropping my gaze, remembering how the words sounded like the most beautiful music I have ever heard in my life.
Sara giggled, blushing. "Oh my gosh!"
"I didn't expect it."
"How did you respond?"
"I didn't."
It was an anticlimactic moment. Sara's eyes narrowed. She actually looked annoyed. "You have got to be kidding me! You're impossible!"
I was about to protest, but TRCF's shrill voice echoed all over the room.
"ZARA ROBERZ ARE YOU EVEN LIZENING TO MEE?!"
Sara immediately turned away to face the now glowering TRCF. She put on her goody−two shoes expression and answered, "Of course ma'am."
TRCF's nose flared. "Zis iz what I'm talking about! You young people just don't rezpect uz adultz anymore!"
TRCF proceeded on the second part of her lecture, and Sara turned to me again. “Well, I just hope you managed to come up with one hell of a mix CD to match his grand gesture.”
***
The day went painfully slowly. I felt like I was stuck in limbo, or some sort of an alternate universe where time moved slower. Except during lunch when Adam showed up at our table. Sara kept on giggling the whole time, which made me feel like kicking her out of our tiny lunch group. I suddenly wished she had her own boyfriend.
Actually, I was surprised that she was still single. A lot of guys would die just to date a bombshell like her. She's beautiful, smart, and funny. I asked her about it one time, and she simply responded with, "I haven't met the right guy yet."
Adam and I had tried to set her up with one of his cousins. It ended up disastrously and we swore never to speak about it again. Truth be told, Sara was a perfectionist. Any guy who would want to date her must pass her high standards−which, sadly, was close to impossible.
My next two classes were tortuously slow until I was reunited with Adam for our English period. He took a seat next to me, and we spent the rest of the period passing notes to one another as we listened to Mr. Blake talk about the decline of true literary geniuses in our generation.
After the class ended Adam and I met Sara in the hallway, and he asked her if she would like to join us celebrate his birthday. I wasn’t really expecting her to come. Well, at least I thought she’d say no. I mean, she's been my best friend ever since I could remember, but it was a special day.
"I think I'll pass," Sara said, examining her fingernails. "I don't want to be the third wheel."
"You won't. We want you to join us," I said, feeling a twinge of guilt because I hoped she wouldn’t.
As if reading my mind, Sara snorted. "Yeah, right. Watching the two of you make out isn't really my description of having fun. And besides, it's your day. Just do whatever it is you lovebirds do and forget that I even exist."
"Are you sure?" Adam asked, sounding like he genuinely wanted her to go, which only made me feel e
ven guiltier.
Sara rolled her eyes. "Just go!" she exclaimed, playfully pushing us down the hallway. "If you guys feel guilty then just send me a detailed email of your making out escapade!"
Adam smiled sheepishly. "Okay, if you say so. Have a nice weekend!" He held up his knuckles for their fist bump ritual.
"Yeah, whatever," Sara said as she bumped fists with him. "Just take care and be safe, okay?"
I gave Sara a quick hug and she hugged me back.
"Have fun," she whispered. "And I'm serious about the email."
***
It was still raining when Adam and I stepped out of the building.
"You can wait here while I go get the car," Adam offered, since neither of us had an umbrella.
"Why don't we just run to the car?" I suggested.
Adam's eyes widened. "I thought you hate getting rained on?"
"But you love it, and it's your special day," I said, grabbing his hand. I knew it wasn’t enough to match his grand gesture, but at least I tried, right?
"Are you sure?"
"I might change my mind."
Adam smiled and next thing I knew, we were running across the parking lot.
Okay, I really hated being caught in the rain, but seeing Adam's face glow with excitement was worth getting wet from head to toe.
"So, where are we going?" I asked, wiping rain off my face with the back of my hand as Adam drove the Jeep out of the school gate and onto the wet road.
"Guess," he said, wiping his forehead.
I was terrible at guessing games, and I knew that he would eventually tell me so I just stared at him blankly.
"You're no fun," Adam grumbled, his eyebrows knitting together. "Would it kill you to try?"
Again, I just continued staring at him as I reached for the seatbelt. I wanted to try, I really did. But my mind came up blank.
"You know how I suck when it comes to guessing games."
He sighed. "We're going to the woods. I just hope this rain stops."
"Oh..." I said, not knowing how to respond.
I loved the woods. It was a special place for both of us. It was where we first met three years ago. I was working on my science project when I got lost. Adam and his family were new to the town back then and they were out camping. Adam found me and I felt indebted to him ever since. Then he went to Highcrest High, we became friends, and the rest was history.
"It's not that I don't want to be in the woods, but, what are we going to do in the woods?" I had dressed up for his birthday, and the last thing I needed was to spend my weekend washing mud off my best jeans and mid-calf boots.
"It's a surprise," Adam said, a smug smile forming on his lips.
"Let me guess. You've prepared some kind of a romantic picnic for us somewhere in the woods."
Adam took a quick intake of breath, and the car swerved to the right.
"Woah, easy," I said, resting my hand on the dashboard as Adam regained control of the wheel.
Adam turned to study my face, his eyes narrowing into slits. "I thought you sucked at guessing games?"
"I do. But it's not as if you planned on doing it anyway."
"Yeah, right." Adam's gaze shifted back to the road, his lips pressed together in a thin line.
The car was silent for awhile, with only the sound of the rain hitting the car's roof and the constant squeak from the windshield's wiper.
"Can I open my present now?" he suddenly asked.
I bit my lip and cringed. I had already forgotten that stupid mix CD.
Adam smiled triumphantly. "Oh, come on!"
"It's stupid, really."
"Let me be the judge of that."
I sighed and fished out Adam's present from my bag. I hadn't even bothered gift−wrapping it.
"A mix CD?"
"I told you it's stupid."
"Quit saying that!" he exclaimed. "Let's just listen to it."
Before I could protest, Adam slipped the CD into the car stereo. Next thing I knew, Snow Patrol's Just Say Yes started playing in the background.
"I like this one!" he said.
We listened for awhile, and Adam drummed his finger against the wheel as the song reached its chorus. He began to sing along with it.
Just say yes,
Just say there's nothing holding you back...
And I finally gave in and started singing with him too.
It's not a test,
Nor a trick of the mind,
Only love.
We were a little off key, but we didn't care. Adam gave me a look that clearly said, see, it's not stupid! and I felt a whole lot better.
We were reaching the second chorus when Adam's phone rang. He slid it out from his pocket and when he saw who it was, the smile immediately disappeared from his face. He punched the end button without even answering the call.
"Who is it?" I asked. We missed the chorus.
"It's my brother," he said gruffly.
Of course. There was only one person who could easily shift Adam's mood from sky high down to the far reaches of hell: his brother Eric, his identical twin brother who was his opposite in so many ways. It was easy to forget that Adam had a brother, let alone a twin. Eric was considered the black sheep of the family. I'd only met him twice before their parents decided to send him to an exclusive boarding school in New York. I've never heard of him since, except on some occasions when their parents talked about him when they thought Adam and I were out of earshot. And from what I heard, boarding school had only made Eric worse.
The phone rang again and Adam just glared at it.
"Aren't you going to answer? It's his birthday too," I reminded him as I turned the stereo's volume down a little. "Maybe he wants you to wish him a happy birthday or he's calling to say it to you. Either way, I think you should answer it."
"Right." His expression softened a bit, though his grip on the steering wheel didn't.
He pushed the ‘answer’ button and I held the phone to his ear so he wouldn't have to wedge it between his head and shoulder.
"What do you want?" he asked.
I could hear Eric's voice at the end of the line, though I couldn't understand what he was saying. Not that I intended to eavesdrop.
"No, absolutely not!" Adam said. "I already helped you the last time."
Another pause.
Adam set his jaw as he hastily grabbed the phone from my hand.
"So now it's my problem too?" He was almost shouting now. "You know what? I have an idea. Stop being a pain in the ass!"
He pushed the end button and tossed the phone on the dashboard. His face was red and I noticed that his knuckles were as white as the bone underneath the taut skin.
It had stopped raining and everything was quiet except for the song that was still playing softly in the background. I was about to ask Adam what just happened when the phone rang again.
"Maybe I should just turn it off,” he said.
"What does he want?"
"Nothing important," he said, but he kept on glancing at his phone.
"Just answer it. Maybe he has no one to celebrate his birthday with."
Adam rolled his eyes. “Believe me, he has a lot of friends to celebrate his birthday with.” But he reached for his phone anyway. He almost had it in his hand when a bump on the road made it slip from his grasp. I considered bending down to reach for it but Adam waved me off.
"I got this," he said. Little did I know that those where the last words I’d hear him say.
I always thought that terrifying accidents only happen in movies, but the moment the car swerved followed by a loud crash, I was convinced that terrifying things did happen in real life. And it could happen when you least expect it.
In an instant, whole world stopped. Everything became quiet, except for the music still playing softly in the background.
Just say yes,
Coz I’m aching and I know you are too…
And everything turned black.
Chapter Three
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It happened quickly.
I watched as Adam bent down to pick up his phone when something blurred past us. We both jumped, startled, and Adam lost control of the wheel. I pressed my hands over my ears to block out the screeching tires and a blaring horn. Everything after that was a blur. There was a deafening crash and the world turned upside down. Shards of broken glass flew everywhere and I remember squeezing Adam's hand just before my head hit something and I passed out.
I woke up three days after the accident. No one told me what happened to Adam until the day he was buried. When my mom told me the news, I just stared at her.
Her words didn't make sense. How could Adam be dead? He just turned eighteen. Surely, there was a mistake. But the way my parents looked at me gave me all the answers I needed.
I wasn't able to attend his funeral, and I don't think I would have even if I could. Why would I? Wasn't it enough that he died because of me? Wouldn't it be cruel to remind his parents that I survived and their son didn't? I knew they were not the kind of people to think like that, but I couldn't help it. Not when I knew that I had the chance to prevent the accident from happening.
The doctor told us that the reason why I survived the crash was because I was wearing a seatbelt, and Adam wasn't. I got off with some broken ribs, bruises and a minor concussion, but other than that I was fine, though I was sure that I would never be normal again.
I didn't cry. I expected myself to, but tears eluded me. The doctor said that I was probably in shock. That it was my mind's way of protecting me. I agreed with him, though I believed that the reason why the pain hadn't got to me yet was because I still hadn't truly acknowledged the fact that Adam was gone. I couldn't.
People from school came to visit me. Sara visited me, as well as some of my relatives. It was a series of blurred faces, of different people telling me the same thing. Mom told me that Adam's parents visited me too when I was still unconscious, and that they were happy that I survived. I wasn't.
People began asking me about the accident as soon as I was discharged from the hospital. I told them I couldn't remember, though every time I closed my eyes, everything was as clear as day. There was a big difference between remembering and hearing it out from my own lips. Saying it aloud would have made it real, and I wanted to believe that it wasn't. That perhaps I just dreamt it all. That I would wake up one morning and everything would be back to normal. Adam would come pick me up for school and I would tell him all about the silly dream of us being in an accident and how he died. He would've found it funny.
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