Nodding because she’s right, Mickey would want me to be happy, just as I would want him if it were the other way around. “It doesn’t stop the guilt. Just feeling the tiniest bit of happiness instantly turns into guilt, why should I be happy, he’s not here, he doesn’t get to be happy. He should be here.”
“He should, and you know what Katy, he’s here, he’ll always be here. He lives on in you, in your mum, your dad, hell even me. He was a huge part of all of our lives, and he will continue to be.” Her tears wet my hair as she cries into me.
“I know… It hurts so much Mol, it really does. Sometimes I’ll just sit there and the next thing, my breath’s taken from me because the pain is so bad.” God, I can’t believe that I’m crying in the middle of London where everyone can see me.
We pull apart and I look at her. She’s got mascara running down her face, “You should really invest in waterproof mascara, it’ll save the raccoon face.”
She pouts at me before rummaging through her handbag and pulling out her mirror. My eyes fix on her face as she begins to repair her makeup. She seems so at ease as she applies a new layer of makeup that I can’t help but watch. “There, that’s better.” She says slapping her lips together trying to blend the lip balm into her lips. “Ready now.”
Even though we’re best friends, we couldn’t be more different. I don’t wear makeup, well unless it’s a special occasion and even then, it’s the bare minimum. I have extremely oily skin and wearing foundation or any type of makeup causes me to come out in spots. Ugly, red spots. I’m more of a tomboy, whereas Molly is a girly girl. But we’ve been there for each other since we were four, and that’s never going to change.
“Ready?” She asks, and I nod, ready as I’ll ever be. “Okay, let’s go and get a job.” She takes my hand and practically drags me down a side street.
Two hours later, and I’m having no luck. Everyone wants experience, how the hell is someone meant to get experience if no one wants to give them a job? Everyone has to start somewhere, and usually at the bottom, how do they expect you to gain experience if they don’t give it to you? Molly, on the other hand, managed to get a job even though neither of us have experience and the manager turned me down on the spot. I guess he liked the look of Molly’s assets. I’m happy for her but annoyed that I have yet to find something. I thought it would be easier than this to get a job. Who knew it would be this hard?
“Okay, this is our last shot. You ready for this?” Molly asks, her voice tight. I look at where she’s bringing me, and my eyes widen. “Katy, this is the only option you have.” She’s pleading with me.
“Molly, it’s a strip club.”
She rolls her eyes at me as though I’m a child. “I know, look Katy, we have to do something! You need a job, and this is the only place we’ve not tried.”
“Fine, you may as well stay out here, this is going to be quick. I mean, I have no experience in working the bar or the pole.” I give her a pointed look and she laughs in my face. “I’ll be back in a minute,” I tell her as I put my hand on the door handle.
Taking a deep breath, I push the door open and walk through into a room, with a desk and a set of double doors. Seeing as no one is here, I walk towards the double doors and open them. As soon as I do, I hear a deep voice call out, “Sorry, we’re closed.”
I let out a little cough and move towards that deep voice. “Excuse me?” I call out, and I’m met by the most piercing stare I’ve ever encountered. The deep brown eyes give me a once over. It’s as though he’s looking straight through me and can tell all my secrets with just one quick look. He has short blond hair, but his face is tanned, like he’s been on holiday.
“Yes love, can I help you?” He’s not annoyed by me, in fact he looks worried, his head is turned to the side in curiosity.
“Um, I’m wondering if you have any jobs going at the moment?” How the hell my voice is strong and clear I’ll never know.
“How old are you?” He fires out at me like a bark; I try not to recoil at the bite that’s in his tone. His eyes soften even more, he’s unnerving. It’s like he knows that I’m hurting.
“Nineteen.”
“Do you have any experience?” Again, he fires the question out at me, I shake my head. “Are you willing to be taught?”
“Yes,” I say a little too enthusiastically.
“Great, be here tomorrow afternoon at three. Jessica will put you through your paces. If she thinks you’re good enough, you’ll have the job,” he tells me and my heart soars. I have a chance at getting a job! “Make sure you wear heels and leggings. Jessica is the best that this club has, and if she deems you good enough then you’ll be on the pole next week.”
Pole? Oh shit, he wants me to be a stripper. Do I have it in me to be a stripper? Shit, what do I do? I never wanted to be one, and Mum and Dad will be disgusted. But I need the money, and I know that strippers can earn a lot of money.
“Tomorrow at three,” he reiterates, and I nod.
I’m scared out of my mind right now.
“We’re closed, and I’m about to leave.”
Ah, right, that’s my cue to leave too. “Thank you,” I tell him before scurrying out of the building.
“So?” Molly asks as soon as I walk out onto the street, she looks so hopeful.
“I have a try-out tomorrow,” I whisper, my mind running wild struggling to think of anything I can do to try to find another job, but I’ve exhausted all other avenues, this is the only job available to me.
“Oh shit, you’re going to be a stripper.” She’s shocked.
I shrug, having no idea what to even respond to her.
“What are you going to do?”
“I guess we’ll see what tomorrow brings.” I’ll sleep on it and see how I feel about it then. If I don’t want to do it, then I just won’t show up. Saying that, a part of me wants to do it because I know it’ll be a way to get good money and fast. I’m so torn right now. This is the last thing I need.
Chapter Three
Yesterday, I came home and somehow Lynn had managed to coax Mum out of her bedroom and into the sitting room. I was shocked to see her eating, they were in the sitting room watching old movies that Dad had managed to transfer onto DVDs; hearing Mickey’s voice was so bittersweet. I sat on the floor beside the sofa and watched with them, all three of us crying and laughing as we remembered the good times we had with Mickey. I really needed it and I know Mum did too. After Lynn left, we spent the night talking, and she acted as though she’s not been in some sort of trance for the past six weeks. She went to bed better than I had seen her in ages.
Waking up this morning, I don’t know why I expected things to have changed. She’s in her room, and the telly’s blaring. When I made her breakfast and told her that she should eat, she didn’t even look at me. I left the food on the bedside and walked out, hurt that she’s withdrawn into herself again. I saw a glimpse of the mum I used to have yesterday, and I want her back. Maybe I should talk to Lynn and see what she thinks.
It’s too much for me. My mind’s been running ever since I was told to come back to the strip club today at three. I’ve still not made my mind up. I have no idea if going will be a good idea or not, but I need the money. Who else is going to pay the bills? I had some hope yesterday that Mum may have gotten a bit of life back into her and that she would realise she’s letting things go. But that’s not going to happen, not yet.
“Mum, I’ll be back in a minute!” I call out to her and as usual I receive no response. Quickly, I make my way to Lynn’s; I need some advice and as someone who has been a part of my family for as long as I can remember she’ll be the best person to ask. After knocking on the door, I wait for her to answer; I know she’s in as I can hear the telly on, I’m pretty sure she’s watching This Morning, it’s that loud.
The door opens and Lynn stands there in her pyjamas, her eyes widening when she sees me. “Katy, is everything okay?”
I shift on my feet, “I was wonderi
ng if you had time for a chat? I need some advice.”
She opens the door wider. “Of course, come on in and I’ll put the kettle on.” Her flat’s the same as ours except for the colour of her walls, they’re all a cream or magnolia, and the carpet that runs throughout her flat. Ours doesn’t have carpet, we’ve wooden floors throughout, except the bathroom and kitchen; they’re lino. Our flat has reds and browns running throughout. Mum likes warm colours; they’re meant to be healing or some shit like that.
Following her into the kitchen, she waves towards the table. “Sit down.” It looks as though I’ve interrupted her breakfast. There’s a half-eaten slice of toast on a plate and half a cup of tea in the mug.
“Lynn, I’ll come back later, I didn’t mean to interrupt your breakfast.” My face flames, when I hear noise coming from the bathroom. Damn it, Todd’s home too. “I’ll come back later.” I turn to walk out of the flat, but her voice stops me in my tracks.
“Don’t even think about it, Missy. Sit your arse at the table. Todd’s late for work, I’ve been calling him for the past twenty minutes, and he’s ignored me. He’ll be leaving as soon as he comes out of the bathroom, so you’re not going anywhere.” Her tone is hard, daring me to challenge what she’s saying, but I won’t because I really need advice.
Hearing the toilet flush and then the sound of running water, I know it won’t be long until Todd comes out. I haven’t seen him since the funeral, and it’s been years since I was in his flat. He’s probably wondering what the hell I’m doing here. As soon as he opens the door, his eyes widen but sorrow soon enters them, “Hey Katy, you doing alright?” I can tell by his voice that he and Lynn had a conversation about us.
“I’m okay, thanks Todd.” I try to keep my voice as even as I possibly can, but I know that I’m not fooling anyone.
“You’re welcome round here anytime girl, alright?” I nod at his directness; he and his wife are so well suited. “Right then, love, I’m off, see you tonight,” he calls out to Lynn as he leaves.
“Here you go,” she says placing a cup of tea down on the table in front of me. “Everything alright?” she asks taking a seat beside me.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m so torn right now.” Bringing the cup up to my mouth, trying to shy away from her, I hate being so vulnerable.
“What’s going on? I’ll try to help you, love.”
“With Dad gone and Mum not working it’s up to me to pay the bills. Add in the funeral bill, it’s a lot more than I can manage.” Saying it out loud feels as though I’m admitting defeat, I shouldn’t have been put into this situation, but I am and now I have to find some way to sort it out. “I’ve got a sort of audition for a job today but it’s not something I would usually go for. I’m worried that when Mum and Dad finally realise that I’m here and that they give a shit, they’ll be pissed off about that job.” I’m so tempted to go to that trial.
Lynn looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, “Surely it can’t be that bad, can it?” She leans forward, her brows furrowed as she peers into my eyes. “What is it?”
“Working in a strip club.” I tell her in a small voice and wait for her to tell me not to be stupid, that there must be another way.
She’s silent for a while, her gaze staring past me as though she’s in deep thought. “It wouldn’t be for long right?” she finally questions. “I mean, only until you can get the money to pay for the funeral and save some money up for bills and stuff, right?” It sounds as though she’s trying to convince herself that it’s the right thing to do.
“It would be, I mean I’ve heard rumours that the dancers can get at least a couple of hundred pounds a night. I’d have the funeral and debt we’re in paid off within a few weeks. If that is the type of money you can make, I wouldn’t be there more than three months.” I know now that I’m going to that trial in a few hours and I’m going to do my damned hardest to try to get the job because I need it, plain and simple.
“The big question is, can you dance? I mean do you have rhythm?” She’s laughing at me; she knows that I have rhythm. “Can you bend over backwards?”
Shit, I didn’t think of that, what if I’m not flexible enough? “I don’t know, how do you even do that without breaking your back?” I’m dreading this now, I was all geared up for going there and working hard for it, and now I’m scared I’m going to cause myself a serious injury.
She laughs, actual full belly laughs, pointing and all. “Katy, I was messing. You’ll be fine. I know you, you’re going to get there all determined and you’re going to get the job because you’re good and because you deserve it.”
“We’ll see.” Nothing is going to make me feel better about it now. I’m shitting myself. Knowing me, I’ll be stretchered out in the back of an ambulance with a broken leg or worse.
“What are you going to tell your mum?”
I glance at her. Is she for real? She wants me to tell my mum that I’m going to try out to become a stripper, she’s gone nuts.
“Don’t look at me like that Katy, she deserves to know.”
“Why does she? I don’t exist to her so why would she care? When Mickey died, I didn’t just lose my brother, I lost my entire family, Lynn. They don’t give a shit about me or what happens to me,” I tell her through gritted teeth, my anger coming out and I instantly regret it. Lynn’s only trying to help, and I shouldn’t be taking it out on her.
“Oh Katy, they do care, they’re hurting right now.” Sympathy is written all over her face.
“What about me? I’m hurting too, but someone has to step up and make sure that we’re not homeless.” My nostrils flare as I snap at her.
Lynn’s up and out of her seat, her arms going around me, pulling me into a hug. “I don’t have the words to say to take away your pain Katy, but I’m so proud of you, and I know that when your mum realises what you’re doing to support both her and you, she’ll be proud too. You’ve turned into a beautiful, bright, smart young lady.”
I weep quietly into her arms, glad of the comfort that I’m getting. “Sssh, it’s okay Katy. I promise it’s going to get better.” She holds me like this until there are no more tears left for me to cry and I pull away instantly feeling guilty for dumping all my shit on her. “It’s going to take a while, but it will get better. No matter what, Katy, he’ll always be with you.” Using her fingertips she tilts my chin up so I’m looking up at her. “I promise you, it will get easier.” She releases my chin but stares at me, making it clear she wants me to listen to what she’s saying.
How does she know it’ll get easier, that it’s going to get better? I can’t see a way that will make it better, that will make this pain disappear.
I take a sip of tea as she sits back down, “I know you Katy, you’re thinking that I don’t know what I’m talking about, that I’m talking out of my arse.” She raises just one eyebrow at me.
I smile; she does know me, but I still stick by what I’m feeling, how does she know that this pain will go? That things will get better? Mickey’s dead and that’s something that can’t be forgotten, it won’t be forgotten.
“I didn’t lose my brother, but I did lose my mum and dad, both by the age of thirty. It hurts, I’m not going to lie, there’s a point in time when the pain you feel is a dull pain, it’ll always be there but you manage to continue with your life. There will be some days that you’ll be okay and then a song comes on, or a film comes on that could trigger a memory, and it’s going to hit you like a ton of bricks.” She pats my hand. “It will get better, trust me. Now, you get on home and get ready for this audition thingy you have.”
“Thank you, Lynn, I’m sorry for crying all over you,” I tell her as I get to my feet, pissed off that lately I’m an emotional wreck. If Mickey were here, he’d laugh at me and call me a wuss.
She waves her hand dismissively. “Don’t even apologise. You needed to relieve some stress, and crying is a good way to get rid of it.”
“I’ll let you know how I get on, okay?” I
say as I walk towards the front door, she’s not even following behind me. She’s still sitting in her seat, probably looking forward to getting her peace and quiet back.
“Yes, you had better. I’ll light a candle for you.” Jesus, she sounds as though she’s praying for my soul.
I quickly make my way back home. The sound of Mum’s telly is blaring throughout the flat. She probably didn’t even notice that I had gone. I need to leave here at half twelve, that’s giving me enough time to get the tube into central London and grab something quick to eat. I don’t want to be late; it’s the worst way to start an interview. It’ll leave a lasting impression, one that you don’t want, so I’d rather be early.
Looking around the flat, disgust hits me; we’ve neglected it. Yes, I tidy the house, but I don’t hoover, mop, or dust. It looks so bad. First things first, put a wash on, otherwise I’m not going to have any clean clothes. I’ll also change the sheets and duvets while I’m at it, although I have no idea how I’m going to do Mum’s, especially seeing as she’s lying in bed.
Pushing open her bedroom door, I note that her eyes are on the telly, but she’s not focused on what’s playing. She’s in her own world right now, and I know I’m probably being a bitch, but I’ve had enough. An acrid stench reaches my nose. I need to open a window and let the air get in. This isn’t healthy, there’s no way I’m leaving her to lie in this room. It needs complete gutting.
“Mum, get up.” I tell her. She doesn’t even blink at me. I walk farther into the room and stand in front of the telly. Finally, she looks at me, confusion written all over her face. “Get up.” My tone is hard and forceful, she’s taken aback by me. “This room is filthy. So, get up, go have a shower, and put some clean clothes on while I tidy up.” I don’t give her a chance to argue, I pull the duvet off the bed quickly followed by the top sheet.
“Katy, what on earth is wrong with you?” She screams at me as she tries to grab the sheets from me.
The Sacrifices of Life Page 3