She’s right though. When Mickey was alive, Mum was the same. You’re under her roof, which means you abide by her rules.
“Okay, if I get enough money to pay all the bills and have some money left over, I’ll get us a flat.” I’m being sarcastic. Any money left over will be used for me going to beauty school I’ve decided that’s what I want to do, I want to achieve something with my life. Although, I think finding somewhere else to live sounds good.
“Until then, I can dream.” She sticks her tongue out at me.
Finally, we’re relaxed and looking to the future.
Chapter Five
I’m roused by my alarm. Ugh, it’s half past five. I groan as I turn over. Oh God, I ache; my whole body aches. I feel like I do when I have a bad dose of the flu, only worse. God, I don’t feel like getting up. I’m so sore, I can’t imagine what I’m going to feel like tomorrow. I’m dreading going to work for the day. It’s going to be painful.
As I struggle to sit up, I double over in agony. Shit, I’m so unfit, that’s the next thing on my list. I need to get fitter. I’ll have to research the best sort of fitness I can do to train for being a pole dancer. Something that has to do with core fitness.
I make my way into the kitchen; Mum’s room is quiet. Yesterday when I came home, she was in there, and when I called out to her to tell her I was home, I didn’t get a reply. I opened her bedroom door and discovered she was asleep, the covers halfway down her body and the telly off. I crept into her room and pulled the covers over her, making sure that she’d be warm. That was the first time that she’d gone to sleep with no telly on, no noise around her, just silence. I hope that it means she’s getting better, that she’s coming back to me, but I’m not going to get my hopes up.
I take a few ibuprofen, fingers crossed it works quickly and this pain fades. I throw the box of tablets into my handbag; I know I’ll be needing more of them later on. I put the kettle on and while I’m waiting for it to boil, I make some toast, trying to be as quiet as I can as I don’t want to wake Mum up. I don’t even turn on the telly; I just sit here in silence while I wait for the toast to cook and the kettle to boil. This time of the morning is a killer. It’s pitch black outside and it’s cold. I can hear the wind howling, and it makes me want to run back into my room and hide under the covers. I start to play Candy Crush on my phone while I’m eating; it helps pass the time along with me not being bored. Once I’ve finished breakfast, I quickly wash the dishes. Then I put on my trainers. It’s time for me to leave, so I grab my jacket and quietly close the front door, locking up behind me.
As I make my way out of the estate, I hear laughter that stops me in my tracks, my blood running cold.
Looking ahead of me, I see some of the NDZ Crew members sitting on the wall. It’s just after six o’clock in the morning. What the hell are they doing here? There’s no way that I can escape them, I’m going to have to walk straight past them. I keep my head held high as I walk towards them. I’m breathing hard, and it’s obvious because it’s so cold out, the breath leaving me comes out in white puffs.
“Katy,” Harley shouts. He’s the one in charge, the leader. He’s twenty-eight, you’d think someone that age would understand the shit he’s doing, the shit he’s putting everyone through when he brings them into the gang. “You’re going to be like that huh? We’re family. You don’t treat family like this.”
I scoff. “Since when did we become family?” I say disgustedly, I wouldn’t want him to be a part of my family. If he were, I’d be ashamed of him; he’d be the family member no one talks about.
“Your brother was family, so in turn that makes you family.” He jumps off the wall and starts to walk towards me, a cocky smile on his face.
“No, my brother was stupid. You’re not family, you never were. Tell me something, Harley, where the hell were you when my brother was stabbed to death and left to die in that alley?” I point to the alley behind us, the one that gives me shivers every time I think about it, the one I hate with every fibre of my being.
“Katy, Mickey was my family. What happened to him, we will never forget.” Sadness poured out of every word. “I’m going to find out who killed him, and when I do, there will be no mercy shown.” Gone is the sadness, in its place is pure anger.
I believe every word he is saying, I know he’ll find out, and I don’t feel an ounce of sorrow for the pain they will receive. “Tell me, Harley, what did my brother do to deserve to be killed? The only thing he did was join your pathetic gang. What happened to him… it’s down to you. You’re the one that wants to be the king of North London. You’re the one that’s instigating the war with the Blud Cripz. If you weren’t so fucking hungry for power, you’d realise that you’re killing people to do something so stupid.” I push past him as the tears begin to fall down my face. I’m so angry and so hurt.
How the hell are they acting as though nothing’s happened? They’re sitting on the wall waiting for people to come and buy drugs from them. Oh, not Harley, he’d never be caught with drugs on him, nor would any of the higher uppers in the gang. They get the young boys to do it, those that haven’t got any previous convictions and those that are underage so if they’re caught, they’ll most likely get away with a slap on the wrist. Nowadays though, they’re cracking down on those who are dealing, especially those that are connected to gangs.
I know deep down that Harley is actually a kind man, he really does look after his boys, but I can’t change the fact that he’s the leader of a gang and he willingly lets young boys deal drugs just so that he won’t have it connected to him. That’s a cowardly way to live. If you don’t want to get caught, then why the hell would you willingly let someone else do it for you? The money can’t be worth the guilt you’d have, I wouldn’t be able to do what Harley does, I’d be riddled with guilt.
“Oi!” Is shouted as I walk past the rest of the pathetic members of that stupid gang.
“Leave her,” Harley growls out.
“What? She’s just dissed you, dissed us and you want her to get away with it?” I don’t even know who’s talking but I do know one thing: they’re questioning Harley and that will never go down well.
“You’d better shut your mouth. She’s grieving, she’s lost her brother. She’s hurt, angry, and right now I’m her target for that pain. I’ll fucking take it because you know what? She’s right. Where the hell were we when our brother bled out? When his blood painted that alley? We weren’t there to help him when we should have been.” Harley tells him.
I carry on walking, my strides longer and faster, I want to get out of hearing distance, I don’t want to know what he’s going to say next. It’s bad enough that I heard that much.
Mickey was the type of boy that would give you the shirt off his back, that would give you his last pound if it meant you’d be fed, or you’d get home safely. He put everyone else before himself; he was the best person that I knew. The worst thing about how Mickey died was that no one was there for him. I don’t even know who the last person he spoke to was. I don’t know how he felt or if he knew that we loved him. I will never know if he knew how much he meant to us and I hate whoever it is that took him away from us.
The tears are still falling as I walk to work. Thankfully it’s cold as hell out here and my watery eyes can be put down to the chill. The tears really do have to stop. I didn’t think I was this emotional or vulnerable. All I seem to do these days is wallow in my thoughts and cry at the drop of a hat. It’s a grieving process, I get that, but I really hope that it stops soon, I can’t keep crying. I hate crying in public, it makes me look weak and I’m far from it.
“Okay, ladies,” announces Jess, “that was so much better. You do need to work on those stretches I taught you. It will help you and make sure your body won’t be broken.” Her smile tells us that she knows how we’re all feeling. “Monday morning, I want you here bright and early. You think today was hard? Just wait for Monday. Every day next week you’ll be here at nine thirty, n
o exceptions.”
Jess has really kicked up the training. Today was so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
A few of the girls start whispering. It’s subtle, but Jess starts to grind her teeth. These girls have been real bitches today. Yesterday there were only six of us who got called back, and today we were joined by eight other girls. These four girls are being rude, they just stood there and laughed at the rest of our attempts especially those of us who don’t have dancing backgrounds. Every time one of them would snicker, Jess would shoot them a look as if to tell them to shut the hell up. Of course they quieted down for a while, but soon they would start straight back up again.
“Is there something you’d like to share with the rest of us?” Jess bites out, she looks so pissed off right now.
“No,” one of the girls replies snottily, looking Jess up and down like she’s a piece of shit.
“This is a waste of our time. We don’t need to do this. As you can see, we’re better than the rest,” one of them says giving the rest of us a dirty look. “Why don’t you just send the rest of them home so we can start earning money?”
Jess’s face takes on a dark look. “You are a piece of work. How dare you? You’re no better than anyone here. You want to know the biggest difference between you four and the rest of the girls? They want to learn, they want this job so much that they’re willing to do what it takes to get it.” A look of disgust settles over Jess’s face.
“What’s going on?” A deep voice asks from behind us, and my head spins to see who it is. My eyes fall on the guy who told me to come back for a try-out. He’s with another guy I’ve never seen before.
As I take this guy in, my breath catches. He’s absolutely gorgeous. Not in your Hollywood type of way; this man is more rugged. He’s got muscles everywhere. The T-shirt he’s wearing bears the logo for this club, Pleasure Palace. It’s tight against his muscles and it just makes him look even more amazing. His gaze focuses on Jessica with a look of concern. Oh, is he Jessica’s boyfriend?
The man who told me to come here walks over to Saffron who’s sitting at the bar, his arm goes around her shoulders and he begins to talk quietly to her. They’re definitely a couple, you can tell by the way he looks at her, she’s his world. Once they finish talking, he walks over to Jessica, his strides long and purposeful. He seems like he’s in charge, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was, he looks like a man who would own a business. “You four, leave and don’t come back.” He points to the girls who were being bitches.
Shit, that was harsh, but they deserve it. The girls gather their belongings, their looks shooting daggers at Jess and then at the man who’d just ordered them out, but they don’t argue with him.
“I’m Damien, and this is my business. I don’t tolerate that shit. You got a problem, you come and see me, or you come and talk to Saffron. You do not act like an entitled princess. That shit don’t fly here.” His demeanour has changed so much. When I first met him, he didn’t come across like this, and it’s weird to see the change. He looks like he’d kill a person without blinking. “Those of you who manage to get through Jess’s training on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, you’ll be on the pole working on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Those are the busiest nights. You can’t cope then, this isn’t the place for you. Those of you who succeed, you’ll be getting a lot of tips those nights. I reckon seeing as you’re all new girls, you could easily make three or four hundred a night.” A smug grin settles on his face.
Bloody hell, three hundred pounds a night to start? Shit, that’s amazing. Damien flicks his finger and the guy that was with him follows him into the back.
“You heard what Damien said. Next week is going to be gruelling. You’ll be working from half nine until three. You can’t hack that, I’m sorry, you’ll be gone. Do the stretches, it will help,” Jess instructs us, giving us encouraging smiles. “Have a good weekend, and I’ll see you on Monday.” She turns and walks to the bar where Saffron is still sitting.
I quickly grab my things, changing out of my heels and into my trainers. I took Jess’s advice and wore heels that had an ankle strap. Though I still haven’t learnt the art of wearing heels, at least I didn’t fall flat on my face. I quickly make my way to the tube station. I need to run to Tesco on the way home and get some shopping done. I also need to get credit. I’ve got two-pound credit left, but thankfully today is payday from Delight, and I know that the money I was paid today will be gone as quickly as it came.
I can hear my phone ringing, the sound of French Montana and Swae Lee’s ‘Unforgettable’ rings loud as I make my way out of the tube station at South Woodford. I’m within a fifteen-minute walk home. I’m sore and tired, and I feel like I’m going to collapse as soon as I get inside the front door. Rummaging through my bag, I quickly pull out my mobile and answer it, not even checking who it is. “Hello?”
“Katy, are you okay?” Mum’s panicky voice asks.
“Mum, I’ve just got off the tube. What’s wrong?” Now I’m the one who’s panicked.
“Katy, you’ve been gone all day. I thought you’d have been home hours ago.” A sprinkle of hope fills me because she’s worried about me, she realises that I’ve been gone for a while now. “Katy?”
“Mum, I’m fine. I’m on my way to Tesco, do you want anything?” Darkness is settling, and I know now why she’s so worried, I’ve been gone since six this morning and it’s got to be at least six in the evening if not later. She’s probably been going out of her mind.
“No, I’m okay. I tried ringing you earlier, but it wouldn’t ring.” She’s been crying. I feel awful now.
“Mum, I’ve literally just got off the tube, I’m sorry.” I quickly walk to Tesco, I better be quick. If I’m out much longer she’ll become inconsolable.
“I know, just hurry home.” She sniffs, and I know that she’s still crying. I feel bad as I walk into Tesco and grab a basket. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. Guilt is eating me right now. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Mum, Molly should be there soon too. You just hold on, and I’ll be as quick as I can.” I hang up and rush around Tesco grabbing everything I need. I just hope that I haven’t forgotten anything. I hate being rushed.
Two carrier bags, and I’m down forty pounds. Ugh, I swear I need to start being smart when it comes to doing the shopping. I don’t know what the hell I bought that costs forty pounds. This is what needs to stop. Money is coming out left, right, and centre, and I don’t have the income to keep up. Sighing, I start walking home at a quick pace, rushing so Mum can stop panicking.
Chapter Six
“Mum, I’m home,” I call out as soon as I open the front door. My eyes immediately are drawn to the sitting room where Mum and Molly are standing. Mum’s actually dressed! She’s not wearing her pyjamas.
“Hey Katy, let me help you with the shopping,” she says, and she is wearing a tiny smile. The first time in ten weeks, and my mum smiles. She takes the bags out of my hands and brings them into the kitchen.
“Is she okay?” I ask Molly as soon as Mum’s out of earshot.
Molly’s eyes go to the kitchen door, “She’s okay. She was upset when I got here. I knocked on the door and she and Lynn came out of Lynn’s flat. Even though she’s upset, she looks better.”
She truly does look better, better than I’ve seen her in a long time.
“Maybe she’s improving?” Molly sounds hopeful, and while I’d love to be as hopeful as she, and a part of me is, I just can’t deal with the disappointment if this is a one off like the other day when Lynn was here.
The kitchen door opens, and Mum comes back out, I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s got something to say. They’re curious and full of deep sadness that I know will never vanish. “That’s the shopping put away. Molly told me you two are having a girls’ night in. I won’t get in your way. Todd’s out for the night, and I’m going over to Lynn’s for the evening.”
Mixed feelings form, and I don’t kn
ow why I feel upset. I’m truly happy to see her up and about and her going to Lynn’s is a huge step, to see her finally leaving the flat. But, then a part of me is upset. Why is she spending time with Lynn? Why couldn’t she stay here and spend time with me? Ugh, I hate feeling like this. All I want to do is go over to her and give her a massive hug, but I don’t know if she even wants one.
“Before I go, I need to talk to you. Both of you,” Mum tells us, her eyes on Molly who looks as though she’s about to leg it. “Come on let’s sit.” She points to the sofa, and both Molly and I move quickly to sit down. Wariness makes me short of breath.
“I’ve not been myself since Mick…” Her voice cracks, and her blue eyes become cloudy and wet. “Since Mickey died, I’ve been in a trance. I’ve let you down, Katy. I know I have, and you’ve had so much to deal with.” Tears fall down her face. “I know that you’ve spent all your savings on bills. I may have not wanted to be around anyone, but that doesn’t mean I’m oblivious to what’s going on. I spoke to Lynn today, and she told me where you’re working now.”
“Mum…” Shit, this isn’t how I wanted her to find out. I wanted to tell her myself, I wanted to explain everything to her, so she wouldn’t be upset or be ashamed.
Mum holds her hand up to stop me. “Don’t explain Katy, I understand why you’ve done it, but it stops now,” she demands, anger firing in her eyes.
“Mum, you can’t be serious. You’re in no state to go to work, and someone has to pay the bills,” I grit out. I don’t want to have this conversation right now—or ever. “Mum, when you’re able to go to work, we can discuss this, but until then, I’ll go to work and pay the bills.”
The Sacrifices of Life Page 5