by Lauren Wood
“I don’t know. It was hard enough to find that place with Cass and he ended up paying cash for it through a lawyer because he hasn’t ever had a real job in his life. With what I make at the diner, I just don’t know. It is all just a mess and I haven’t even thought that far ahead to be honest. Cash is low because Caspien always took care of the money. I just gave what I made to him.”
“No rush Fran, really. You know that, but if you want me to help you ask around, I will. I don’t know of anywhere off hand, but I will look around and see if anything pops up.”
I thanked her and stared off out the window. My life was always constant motion, but this time, I hadn’t seen this coming. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect to be in this position again, staying with a friend and trying to figure out what it was that I was going to do next. It was exhausting and I wanted to push it all from my mind.
Tomorrow was going to be a better day. It just had to be.
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PREVIEWS
Never Mine
A Bad Boy Second Chance Romance
PROLOGUE
FIFTEEN YEARS AGO: MANDY
I couldn’t believe what I’d just found out. It was not at all what I was expecting when I took the test. Things like that don’t happen to girls like me. I was just out of high school and I had my whole life ahead of me. Greg had his whole life ahead of him and I knew what he would say if I told him.
It occurred to me then that I couldn’t tell Greg. He would try to fix it, do things that he didn’t want to do because of it. I couldn’t let him do that. I didn’t want him to be with me because he had to or because he felt trapped. There was nothing that I could do but get away. I had to get away from Watertown for a while. I wasn’t sure where I was going to go, but I needed space and time to think.
Packing up my bags, all I could think about was Greg and what he was going to think when he found out that I had left. I knew that I couldn’t see him again and the thought made my heart hurt. It was something that I had to do, that much I knew, but it didn’t mean that it wasn’t going to hurt more than anything else I had ever felt before.
Looking back one last time in the room that I had lived in since I was a small girl it wasn’t my childhood home that I was going to miss the most. It was Greg and I knew I was always going to wonder what would have happened if I had stayed.
CHAPTER 1
MANDY
“Come on Mandy. I don’t know why you are being like this. It is a nice night and you have nothing else going on. Let’s go have some fun for a few hours.”
I tried to look excited, I really did. It was hard to feel like doing anything after I had worked twelve hours at the animal sanctuary. It had been a long day with two animals put into quarantine and another couple being released. All I really wanted to do was find a movie that I hadn’t seen in a while and have a glass of wine. I was tired, but it wasn’t going to matter to Alise. I had made her a promise and she was going to hold me to it. That much I knew, so there was no point in fighting it.
“I said I was going, what more do you want?”
“A little enthusiasm would be nice Mandy. Stop acting like you are on death row.”
I smiled, but I knew that it didn’t reach my eyes. I was leafing through the closet, trying to find something to wear while Alise played with my hair and the curling iron.
“I’m not. I just haven’t gone out in a while.”
She sighed and pulled another hot strand of curl off the iron that fell to my shoulder. I looked into the mirror and I liked the change. I hadn’t done much to my hair in a while besides braid the blonde mess up for work. Now I was looking like I didn’t deserve a lab coat on me, but I still couldn’t find anything that I really wanted to wear. Nothing looked good and I knew that it was because I wasn’t that into going out to a bar to drink and dance.
“I know you haven’t. Ever since you and Jeff broke up, I haven’t been able to get you out of the house after dark.”
Shooting her a look, I couldn’t believe that she was bringing him up. He was the last person that I wanted to think about, but if I was honest he was a lot like all of my exes and I didn’t want to talk about any of them either.
“I just had to take a little break.”
“Well time is up Mandy. It is time to get back out there and you aren’t going to do it with that.”
She took the little red dress out of my hands and I protested a little. “What is wrong with that?”
“It isn’t near short enough. I thought you wanted to have some fun?”
Groaning inwardly, I waited for her to pull out a skirt and tank top combo that made me blush. It was not the kind of outfit that I would wear but to keep the peace and get it over with, I slide the clothes on and watched them cling to my curves. “I look like a slut.”
Alise shook her head. “No, you look a little cheap, but not a slut.”
I smiled and laughed that she thought there was a difference. All I could think about was how much attention the clothes were going to bring me. Straightening up the skirt and pulling it down as far down my leg as I could, I gave up and realized that it was going to have to be okay. I had agreed to it after all.
“Do you want me to put your makeup on?”
Looking at the woman staring back at me in the reflection, there was no part of it that I recognized. My red hair was a mass of loose curls that fell around my waist and the outfit was tight and revealing. I looked good, a few years younger than my thirty two years, but I felt like an imposter.
“No I think I am good on that Alise. I look enough like you.”
She took it as a compliment and told me that my boobs looked good in the shirt. “If I had a body like yours Mandy, I wouldn’t be so shy to show it off.”
I didn’t want to hear that. Alise was beautiful and petite, something that I had always wanted to be. Where everyone else saw curves and features that they liked, I always wanted to be doll-like, like her.
“Whatever, Mandy. I know that you don’t get it, but I can’t even pull off half of the clothes that you have.”
Waving her off, I swiped a little lip gloss on my lips, as well as some eye liner and called it a day. “Are you ready?”
She looked at me as if she had been ready for a year and I had to giggle at her. Alise had a way of dragging me into things that I wasn’t necessarily into, but she at least made it fun on the way. Locking the door behind me, I moved out into the chilly night. Alise was right behind me and I was hopeful that I could get her back home before it got too late.
“What about Alfie?”
“He is with Rita for the night.”
“Good, so that means that you can stay out all night.”
“No, I still have work tomorrow.”
Alise gave me a look and I ignored it as we got in the car. I was still hoping to be in bed before midnight. My overnight partying days were behind me.
***
When we got to Dante’s, I was still a little reluctant, but as soon as I got a drink in my hand I was feeling a little bit better about the situation. The White Russian had an extra shot of rum in it and before long I was feeling the music more than I was feeling my nerves. Alise was right of course, she always was it seemed. Maybe a night out was just what I had needed the whole time.
I could feel the smile spread across my face as I looked out at the dance floor. It was only when I caught the side profile of someone that I used to know that everything in me stopped. The people, the music, it was all in the background as Greg came into view.
Memories flooded my system and I was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe in the packed room. He didn’t see me yet and I was split between standing still and running away so that he didn’t. It had been too long since I had seen him and the last ti
me I had, my heart had broken into a thousand pieces. There was a part of me that knew that he was never going to forgive me for what I had done. I had made some decisions that I knew was going to be hard for him to deal with. They were hard for me to live with as well, but it was what had to be done.
Greg was a bad boy or he had been when we were in school together. He was the love of my life and I would have sworn that I was going to marry him. That is what I had expected and when things had changed, it had taken me a long time to get over Greg, if I ever really did.
He turned my way and I stopped in my tracks. I had been staring and though I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him or not, if I wanted him to know that I was even there. When he saw me though, I saw the recognition on his face and I was left speechless. He remembered me and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. One way or another, Greg started to walk towards me and I was left there to stand. The drink in my hand was gone and I felt betrayed a little bit by that.
“Mandy Cossin, as I live and breathe.”
I smiled up at him and I could feel my body’s age old response. All of me remembered Greg quite well.
CHAPTER 2
MANDY
“I can’t believe you are here. What are you doing here Mandy?”
I didn’t know what to say, passed the fact that he was standing right there and I missed him. God, I had to stop the words from coming out of my mouth. What was wrong with me when all it was I could think about was the last time the two of us were together in such a way? I was shocked to say nothing and it was only when a tall blonde woman walked up behind him and asked him when he was going to be able to leave that I pulled it together.
“I’ll be ready to leave soon Amber.”
Amber could tell that she was being ignored and I stood up a little straighter in the woman’s presence. I don’t know why, but I wanted to know who she was and though I think I had a good idea of who she was, I wanted confirmation.
“No, don’t let me hold you up Greg. Maybe we can catch up another time. Nice to see you again. It has been a long time.”
I started to walk away and though I was happy to see him, filling my eyes with Greg, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to talk to him and explain myself. There was a part of me that wanted to, but more than that I knew that it wasn’t going to end well. If I told him the truth, Greg wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. That much I knew for sure.
The breath in me was starting to come easy again and my eyes looked for my friend Alise. I wanted to get out of there before I ran into someone else, though there weren’t any more Greg’s running around. He was the only man that I had ever loved and there was a part of me that was sure that it wasn’t possible to love someone more than I had loved Greg.
“Mandy?”
I felt his hand on my shoulder before I heard him calling my name. There was something in his green eyes that I didn’t understand, but I didn’t want to. Looking behind him, I asked where his friend was.
“Why did you take off? You’re really bad about that, you know that right?”
“Bad about what?”
“Taking off on me.”
I was silent for a moment. He was talking about the fact that I had just left. I had left Watertown in the dust, along with my boyfriend at the time. I’d never say goodbye and that was one of the reasons that I knew it was going to be hard to talk to Greg again. I wasn’t proud of what I had done and how I had acted, but there had been no other choice for me. I had to do, what I had to do, no matter how hard it had been or how hard it was then with the past staring me in the face.
“Sorry, I don’t think your wife or girlfriend wanted you talking to me, so I didn’t want to get you in trouble with her.”
Greg looked at me as if he didn’t understand what I was saying. “Who? Amber?”
He waved her off like she wasn’t important. “Yes.”
“She is just a friend.”
I smiled and remembered that we had been ‘friends’ a long time ago too.
“So you never got married?”
He shook his head. “Never found a woman that made me want to. Not in a long time anyways.”
I didn’t know what the last bit was about. We had dated our senior year. He had tried to date me several times, but I had been focused on my studies. When I finally gave into his boyish good looks and piercing green eyes, I knew that I had made a mistake. I loved him not long after that and I wasn’t sure if I had ever loved someone the same again or if I ever would. Greg had been a special kind of love and almost fifteen years later, he still made me feel the same.
“What about you, are you married?”
“God, no.” My answer was paired with a strong shake of my head. The last thing I wanted to think about was getting married. I had never even come close. I had been asked, but never once had I thought to actually say yes to one of those kinds of questions. I was more likely to never get married, especially when it was figured that I was already in my thirties.
“I can’t imagine some guy not snatching you up a long time ago.”
Shrugging, I looked around again for Alise. Maybe she could pull me from his grips that he had on me so that I could get out of there. Every minute I spent with Greg was not good. I knew that I wanted to talk to him more, see how he was, but I was afraid of what would happen after that. I knew that part of me would always love him, but I had left him for a reason and that reason was still just as valid as it once was. It was actually more so now because I wasn’t prepared for him this time. I had had years to know the difference between what we had had and what I would have with others. At the time I was with Greg, I didn’t understand how special it really was and how special it was going to be as time went on. That was the hardest part of all of it. I knew what I had lost now and though I couldn’t go back, there was a large part of me that wanted to. I wanted to go back to the way things were when I was permanently in his arms.
“I never really thought about it. Life got busy and I haven’t really had any time for things like that.”
It was a lame excuse. I knew that. I could hear it in my voice. There was no conviction and I was sure that Greg could hear it too. He had to understand that I was dying inside to talk to him and to be so close to him. I knew that I wanted him, badly, but I don’t think he ever really knew how much I liked him and loved him. I was always quiet with my feelings, but for some reason I was finding it hard to hold it all in. I felt like I was going to burst and again all I could think about was getting away from him so that I could breathe again.
“Come have a drink with me. It has been fourteen years and I think that there is much for us to catch up on.”
I told him that I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I had to get home and get up early. I didn’t mention that my son had to be picked up and brought his clothes because he always forgot something. I didn’t want him to know about Alfie. I wasn’t ready for that, if I ever was. There was a part of me that didn’t think I would ever be able to go down that route.
“Come on Mandy, you can’t give me the time for just one drink? Not for old time’s sake at least?”
I couldn’t tell him no. That was a big problem and had always been that way for as long as I could remember. I wanted to do everything and anything to please him and there was a part of me that still felt that way, whether I wanted to or not.
“Yes, but just one. You have your friend waiting for you.”
“And who do you have waiting for you Mandy?”
I didn’t really give him an answer, just walked to the bar and waited for the bartender to get around to serving us. The sooner I got the drink, the quicker I would be able to get it down and then find Alise to get out of there. I was suffocating again and I knew that it was Greg that was taking up all of the oxygen in the room. He looked good, like always and I couldn’t help the way my body reacted to him. Greg still looked like he had then and it was hard not to relive some of the better parts of our six month relationship.
/> CHAPTER 3
MANDY
“I forgot how easy it was to talk to you.”
He waved me off. I was working on my third drink that had started with just one. I didn’t want to go and I didn’t actually have to go, but then Alise popped up and I was forced to make a decision.
“Are you coming home with me or what?”
Alise was looking at me strangely and I was sure that she was trying to figure out who Greg was and what it was that I was doing there with him. I could tell she was also trying to figure out how wasted I was. I wasn’t but her evaluator look made me rethink what it was that I was doing. I had long since ignored the looks from his friend from across the bar, but Alise was harder to deny.
“Yeah, I am. Sorry I got sidetracked.”
She didn’t say much, her attention on Greg. “And you are?”
“Gregory Smith.”
Alise knew the name and I could tell the recognition in her eyes before she glanced over at me. I waited for her to straighten up and not say anything. I knew she wouldn’t, but she didn’t have a poker face either.
“He’s an old friend that I used to go to school with a long time ago.”
I could feel Greg looking at me and not liking the way I had summed up our relationship. I didn’t know honestly what else to say about it, so it worked for me. Alise finally snapped it together and I was thankful for that.
“Well it was nice seeing you again Greg. We should catch up again some time.”
Greg wanted to stop me, I could see it in his eyes and the determined look of his chin, but I also knew that I shouldn’t. He took my hand and pulled a pen from the credit card receipt he had just signed. I felt him write something in my palm and made me promise to call him.
“I’ll be waiting for your call Mandy.”