"Dead."
"Dead!" He repeated goggle-eyed. "Then it's good that I shall marry you."
I froze. Was he Patap's ghost come to haunt me or was he indeed mad rushing back and forth to see me and now wanting marriage? "Why are you saying these things to me? Why? Has Mona put you up to this?"
He gazed at me with calm concern, "I say them because I mean them. I care for you. Mona is bad but she cannot make trouble between us unless we allow her to do that. However, there is another very little problem, however, Manasa. I'm very strong but I'm also lame, slower, and clumsier, sometimes, than other men. If you can overlook that I promise you it will be a good marriage."
"If that was the biggest problem, marriage would be easy. Mona will never let us marry. She would lose my labour. Money is very important for her, and you cannot marry a prostitute. Nobody does that. Whether or not you are lame, your family would resent, even hate me."
"I expect you're right but that wouldn't stop me. After my accident they resented me too! But you can see that I survived. I told you I'm strong and with a strength that has been tested."
"You became lame because of an accident?"
"Yes. My spoilt elder brother was driving the car when it crashed but my family blamed me. He denied he was driving. He wasn't hurt physically but couldn't accept the responsibility of what he'd done to me. That was such a shock that I decided to leave, and live my own life. My own way."
"That is a very hard thing to do."
"You understand because you've done the same. We're already equal. It's good we have each other to care for. For the time being though, Mona must not be told about this." He stood up to reach an image of Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. He lifted the garlands of marigolds from the statue, and hung them round our necks. "Come, you must dress for the wedding."
I stood confused unable to move. He became impatient with me. "Hurry, prepare for your bridegroom."
Finally, I decided he was paying for my time, therefore, it seemed simpler to obey, and follow his instructions. Surely, he could not be Mona's friend? She had no sense of joy, at all, and she despised tenderness, especially in men. Dinesh lit the lamp, and placed it on the floor in front of us. I took jasmine flowers from a clay jar, and placed them in our laps. I felt detached yet fascinated wondering what he would do.
I would join in his game but I would spoil it. "I cannot give you sons. That scar on my stomach is where I was sterilised so that I will never become pregnant again." No sons would remove his reasons to marry me. I waited indifferently for his response.
"That's good." He announced with such a sweet smile I automatically smiled back astonished as he continued, "We are without the means to care for more children but whose are all these children I am seeing here?"
"They are orphans. Mona keeps them here to serve her. They have to work very hard." Even though I wondered if he might be crazy, I didn't want him to have illusions about Mona's kindness.
"Unlucky children but not hungry, and they have you." He grinned again. "You will marry me, and I shall look after your baby with you. You have a son?"
"Daughter." For a moment his smile wilted. Now the rejection would follow. I sat calm, and resigned. I was tired of this game. I wanted him to go. "Lipika." I added coldly.
"Lipika. I shall love her." He smiled wide enough to engulf us both.
Impatient now and angry I demanded. "You know I cannot leave here. We cannot marry."
"Shh, not so angry. We shall marry here in this room now. We'll make our own marriage. We are outcasts therefore we can make our own rules. Our marriage will be what we decide, and we will each be answerable to the other. We must be patient, and carefully earn the other's trust. Did you know that in ancient times equality between men, and women was written about in our holy books, and was practised everywhere?"
"You want us to be equal?" I was stunned. He was making me dizzy. My head began to pound in tune with the rain thundering down onto the roof.
"No. It's not a wish. You are equal, different but not less. Without women there could be no family, and no future. How can I wish you to be equal? It's I who should fear being less." He smiled that warm smile again.
"I have not been taught how to be equal."
"Don't worry it's natural. We will be like friends. Sometimes we'll disagree, and then we'll decide together what it's best to do."
He was not mad or maybe he was but he was nothing like Patap. I would marry him. We would be equal! Those words brought me encouragement. His only wish was that we should belong together. Even though it seemed an impossible wish it was the kindest wish anyone had made for me in that place.
"Come sit." He sat on the floor, and indicated I should join him. "Take my hands either side of the flame within this lamp." We joined hands round the symbol of life, and energy. "We, the outcasts who have no caste, and therefore no priest will dare to speak directly before you, our God who will listen to us. Do not reject us." He paused a moment. His words comforted me. "I am your husband, lord, protector, servant, lover, family, friend, and you are all these things to me too, since we are short of family, friends, protectors, parents, and children." I began to giggle nervously at his long awkward speech and was soon laughing loudly. He totally ignored me while he solemnly continued. "Now you must nod and say that I'm your husband and that I shall give you everything you need also."
"But it is too much. I am not a goddess only a human being. How can you do all that for me or I for you?"
"Nonsense, nonsense. We both can and shall. Now, say it."
I decided not to think about it but gabbled, "You are my husband and I am your wife." Exasperated, I added, "If we are equal then I should be allowed to speak."
"Yes?"
"As well as Lipika I have a sister living here with me and there is also Ch'en a little Chinese boy we care for. It is my request they will always be with us."
"Ah, we have a family!" The big smile was back on his lips and in his eyes. "It's good for a young couple to be so happy. Long shall we respect and care for each other and our family." We sat very still looking at each other. "Now we're married forever. You are mine. I am yours. You will all come to live with me."
I was delighted by his spontaneous offer even though I could not accept. "Mona and her protectors would never allow it. But," I added shyly, "I would like to live with you, dear husband." It felt natural now to respond warmly to such a generous outpouring.
"We will think about it and plan it. Next time I will tell you what I have thought. You think and plan too, secretly. Now we shall drink water a symbol of life, our life and feast on the food you have brought. Then," He smiled at me with a kind of warm confidence; "We will consummate our marriage."
We sealed our betrothal, a sacred moment for us both to remember always.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
"Mona, there's a big foreign man in the waiting room with Pramath." I looked to Mona for some kind of meaning.
She replied stonily, "What did Pramath say the man wanted?"
"To get the children together to show them to him, but why, Mona?"
"Questions! Why don't you tell me things properly? Gather the children and make sure they are all looking their best. Hurry!"
"What is going to happen to them? Is the man going to take them?" I asked anxiously.
"Stop wasting my time. The children's future is not for you to poke your nose into. They must look their best for this visit. Get them ready and make sure our guest is looked after while he is waiting."
It took some time to assemble the children, smooth their hair and clean their faces. Plenty of clothes or material to wrap them in had to be found so that they all shone like temple statues. Mona came with me to display them to the fat middle-aged man sitting in the waiting room. He wore a light grey western-style suit but, although it was obviously expensive and new, he looked bedraggled from his struggle through the monsoon soaked streets. His collar was twisted and his shirt stretched where his chest wrestled for cool air.
With a cloth he dabbed constantly at the trickle of sweat over his forehead and neck. His big belly rested on his knees and unruly hair protruded from his ears and nose.
"You must all bow to your fond Arab uncle," Pramath ordered and the children obeyed. "He has come to see you all and to bring you sweet meats." At this the children bubbled with excitement.
"Come, Manasa greet our visitor. You will attend him later." Pramath commanded with his usual confident leer.
I bowed to the pot-bellied Buddha. He breathed a heavy goblin grin. Pramath waved his hand to dismiss me. I was pleased to leave but was uncomfortable about the children being left with this unpleasant stranger I didn't trust. Why would he show interest in our children? I shuddered at how suspicious I was becoming. How could I judge him when I knew nothing more about him than his appearance? He had decided that I should spend time with him. He could not then be really interested in the children's company. Mona's arrangements for Ch'en still haunted me though. What would happen to these other children?
Some time later I was called back to collect them. They were eating their sweetmeats, laughing and chattering about the Arab uncle. I made them remove their finery, which I folded away. Sweetmeats were best enjoyed in old clothes. Ch'en was missing. He had missed the feast but he would be happily playing near Kajal as always. The children had gone back to their cooking and I went to fetch Lipika for shopping.
Kajal wanted to come with us. I was glad. I loved to chat to her on our own, away from all the others. As we climbed into a rickshaw I told Kajal about the fat Arab uncle giving the children sweet meats. "Oh," she yawned. "Ch'en will like that."
"No he missed the fun. I thought he was with you."
"Mona came for him. She'll bring him back, herself, later."
"Mona will! She has always detested Ch'en. Can she be changing her mind about him? Yesterday she told me that she once had a husband and a son but their son died. I wonder if she ever misses them."
"Like me. I miss my son so much." Kajal's voice was husky with tears.
I squeezed her hand. "Poor Kajal." We sat in stupefied silence Lipika nuzzled into the crook of my arm, the bump and splash of the rickshaw through the wet street sending her off into little dozes.
We were solemn as we bartered for vegetables and lentils. The joy had seeped slowly from the day as if we were walking in our own monsoon storm surrounded by everyone else's sunlight. Neither of us enjoyed it. Lipika had picked up our mood and become restless. She whined constantly. Eventually, finding we had most of the food we needed we looked round for a rickshaw home.
"Ladies, ladies but you are forgetting to buy everything."
Dinesh held out two small posies of tiny white flowers. "They will ornament your hair. Some for the baby too." He produced another for Lipika. He bowed to us and before we had finished bowing back he stumbled away to serve customers at his stall. Kajal and I giggled at the absurdity of his cheerful greeting and his clumsy dismissal. Lipika had grasped the flowers, which she tasted with disapproval. Our storm had been jolted away and the sky was blue. We rode home chattering and laughing as usual.
As soon as we returned, I went surreptitiously to hide the few coins I had kept back from our rickshaw ride. I was pleased with the sum that was steadily growing. I was one up on Mona and Pramath. One day we would be able to leave them. I had been extremely careful that nobody would discover my secret store, therefore it was strange when an odd sensation of being watched crept across my shoulders. I thought I heard a sniff. I tucked the money away. There was a louder sniff. It was a child's. Huddled forlornly in a corner, Ch'en looked as though he had been crying. He sniffled again. Surely, he could not have seen what I was doing nor would he have understood about money.
"Come here Ch'en." His head stayed down and a small sob escaped, as he dragged himself across to me. He did not cry or grab my legs. His arms hung limp making no attempt to be lifted for a hug. I put my arm round his shoulders but he moved slowly backward till my arm slipped away. "Have you been quarrelling, Ch'en?" There was no mischievous light in those little eyes. "Come, with me to see Lipika." He shook his head. I bent down to him but he took himself over to the corner he had emerged from and rolled himself into a ball. He reminded me of the cats in the market. Whenever they were sick or injured they did that too. I decided to fetch Lipika to entice him to speak.
Lipika was fretful. Her gum was stretched out like a red-hot anvil over a new tooth. Poor baby was unable to oblige Ch'en with any enticement to play. He watched me holding her and singing to her to soothe her grizzling but he refused to join us. There was an accusing look in his face. Lipika was fretful the whole afternoon. Kajal cared for her and let me sleep but all through my sleep I seemed to hear Lipika's cries and see Ch'en's unhappy face.
Little had changed when I got up to get myself some supper. Ch'en was still hovering in his corner. He refused to come to the kitchen with me and when I offered him some sweetmeats to tempt him he screamed. I did my best to pacify him but he would not quieten and now Lipika was squealing too. Mona came to see what was happening.
"This is too much loudness for the customers. They will get angry and go away. Keep these naughty children quiet. If you can't work properly you can take them and leave!" Mona scowled at us.
Terrified I spoke gently, "What could be wrong, Mona? He has been upset and withdrawn all day."
"Ch'en, you are getting too spoilt. No more treats for you. You don't deserve the sweetmeats uncle left you. You were his favourite but now you make too much trouble."
Ch'en lowered his head, ran over to Kajal and clung to her pathetically. She scooped him into her lap as into a nest where he immediately nestled into her without another sound. "Most of our customers don't come till later, Mona. He'll sleep soon. Don't worry." She said.
Without a word Mona marched out.
Ch'en remained clinging to Kajal's neck.
I fed Lipika her bowl of mashed vegetables and rice while I thought about what Mona had said. "Kajal, what did Mona mean, Ch'en is the uncle's favourite?"
"I don't know." We exchanged fearful glances." Is he the one who will take Ch'en away? He seems to like children especially Ch'en. What was that man like?"
"He was fat. He was oily. There was nothing to like about him."
"He has put a curse on us. What has he done to Ch'en? He must not take Ch'en away from us."
"Kajal be calm or Ch'en will be frightened." It was a cowards reply. We hardly dared think about what the truth might be. The mocking eyes of misery burned deeply into ours and jeered at our dread.
Kajal cradled Ch'en in her lap and stroked his head until he slept. Lipika tugged at my nipples with her swollen gums but I felt nothing. We must leave with Dinesh and take Ch'en too. There had to be enough money to survive for a while and maybe find a way of making a living but I would not speak to Kajal about this yet. She was so upset about Ch'en I was afraid she would be tempted, in anger, to fly off and scream it at Mona, now, before I had time to smuggle the money out with us. Kajal was not the even person she had once been. I was never sure of how her moods might change, any more. I watched her lay Ch'en down beside her and make him more comfortable.
"I hate it here. I really hate it. Do you think we'll ever leave this place?" Her eyes were bright with unshed tears but she held onto my hands steadily. She had dared voice our fears. In spite of my resolve to say nothing she had opened the floodgates.
"I hope so. We are much worse off here than we would be at home." My insides twisted themselves into a ball. My voice jerked out "Kajal, There is someone who will help us." An anxious shadow broke across her face. I decided to risk saying everything now while she could understand the need to leave. "It's Dinesh. He has married me here, secretly, in my room." An open-mouthed gasp accompanied her frown now. My words rushed on ahead of me. "We made vows to each other that we shall keep secret from everyone, except you of course."
"What?" Her face cleared but her eyes burned angrily. "You have secrets?" She spat.
"You think a man will be better for you? Manasa, you're my sister. How can you desert me for a stranger? One who sleeps with prostitutes?"
"Who knows which men sleep with prostitutes and which do not Kajal? How can you speak like that to me? I have told Dinesh you are my sister and he wants us, Lipika and Ch'en too, all to live together somewhere with him."
"All men think they are god and can do all things for us. Have you forgotten, so soon, what happened with Patap? You think your cripple will save us? He wants to start his own brothel. Mona will find us and her bullies will beat us and force us back here. There is no escape for us."
Her eyes glowed red, sinking into the tears she fought back. She drew in a long sob that she stifled with her fingers firmly over her lips and ran. Plainly, Kajal would not leave with me if I continued to remain loyal to Dinesh. Life was again throwing me an impossible dilemma. At that same moment Supriya came to fetch me.
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