I sensed that Liz and Sally were becoming restless. They must reach their next hostel before nightfall. We ate a simple meal before they left. Our goodbyes were full of real affection and sadness. They promised they would return to Darjeeling, which meant that goodbye became a promise for the future. I could look ahead to that.
Mummy, the children, and me left the next morning for Darjeeling. It seemed as if the whole village had surrounded the bus to wave us goodbye and to shout their last wishes of good fortune. I noticed how very soon my father had melted away. He was not popular in the village and he would resent the attention we were attracting. The children instinctively snuggled up to my mother. I was glad.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
There was no one to meet us on our return to Darjeeling. There had been no way of them knowing when I would return. Each step I took increased the excitement of drawing me nearer to home. Curious neighbours spotted us and walked with us. The news had got back to Dinesh who pushed and lurched his way through the inquisitive group. I was delighted to see him.
"Husband." I nodded joyfully. Dinesh reciprocated. I turned to see mummy smile and a respectful warm greeting pass between them. None of the witnessing neighbours guessed that this was their first meeting.
"Sharmila?" He whispered anxiously drawing me aside.
"The boys are orphans, Dinesh." To alleviate the helpless shock I saw on his face and perhaps to comfort myself too. I added, "part of our family now."
His jaw tensed. For a moment or two he seemed unable to respond. Although we had failed them, we had the responsibility of caring for them. He said tersely," They will come with me to the market." It was as if he wanted to do something for them while struck by the awful certainty nothing could undo their terrible loss.
My efforts had been rewarded with rescuing the boys but my heart was filled with sadness for them and our dear lost friend. Yet I was still not ready to mourn her. My heart was too full of need to be reunited with my own child despite my feelings of guilt about Sharmila. "Where is Lipika?" I asked anxiously.
"Still at the stall and full of questions that it's your turn to answer! She has missed you. I'll go to the market now and send her home to you." There had been no thanks or praise for what I had achieved but neither had there been any reproof. I was grateful for that.
The boys trailed behind Dinesh, another important link for them with Sharmila and the market they had left in Calcutta. A connection that I hoped would help to dispel the strangeness of this unfamiliar place with its cool climate and unfamiliar peoples. It was a relief to know they were safe. I remember worrying that they must have warm clothes. Dinesh would see to that in the market. Something small he could do for them.
My desperation to see Lipika was reflected by mummy's anxiety over Kajal. She followed me into our little home expectantly. The door was wide open. My heart leapt. It was as if our very house was throwing its arms open to us. But it was gloomy inside. Someone had closed the shutters. The pans I gathered up from the kitchen floor were encrusted with the sticky remains of a meal; crumpled clothes trailed over the floor, and dust and crumbs had collected in corners. I shivered. There was a brief rustle in the direction of the bedrooms and then in the doorway slouched Kajal rubbing at her sleep-misted eyes.
"Mummy?" Kajal and mummy fell on each other joyfully.
I lit the stove, snatched up the vagrant clothes and set about making mummy welcome. By the time I had begun preparing a meal Supriya had arrived with the youngest children. Lipika peeped out from behind Supriya but when she saw me her eyes opened wide like a flower in the sun. Gingerly she sidled over to me and placed her hand in mine. As I gathered her into a warm hug her small face brightened into one big happy welcome home. Mummy came softly to kiss us. Lipika instinctively responded with a confidant, knowing smile as she transferred herself from my arms to her grandmother's. The joy on mummy's careworn face was a reward beyond my reckoning, a wonderful moment. Behind me, a sniff perhaps, made me turn my head. Two sad, lonely forms crouched in a corner watching us. Mummy gestured I should see to them and passed Lipika back to me as my passport to gain their trust. Sadness and guilt ripped through me as I squatted down by Anil and Tarun with Lipika balanced on my knee. Their mummy had gone. How could they ever understand or accept that?
"You all used to play together. Remember?" I reminded them softly.
Lipika put her finger in her mouth and grinned. She'd remembered. I set her down beside them. She tapped Tarun's cheek with a stubby finger. He jerked his face away. She pursued him. He grinned and finally joined in the game.
"I will find you all something to eat while you play. Later you can fly your kite. It will fly very high here." I tried to keep my voice steady. Lipika grabbed my hand. She was not ready to let me go yet. The two little boys followed meekly. My heart was heavy for them. Supriya joined us in her kind unobtrusive way. She would have heard all my news from Dinesh. Around me the exclaiming and chattering went on for some time. But what had happened during my short absence? This was not the Kajal of even a week ago. She was no longer that lost, unreachable soul I had left behind me. She was elated to see mummy but barely greeted me. I doubted any of this change could have been brought about so immediately by our mother's presence. I felt confused and cheated. Mummy didn't ask about Supriya or the twins. She simply accepted their presence. I could not bring myself to tell her about the brothel. It was too difficult. We had instructed the twins to be guarded with our neighbours, regarding our past lives, and they had never mentioned it since, not even to us. I was sure, though, that like all children they would let something fall and mummy would wonder. She could easily make an intelligent guess if they said enough.
Slowly the boys began to fit their warm clothes and occasionally to smile. Sharmila had been a good mother and a good friend. If only I had not persuaded her to work in the market. If only we had not left Calcutta without her that day, her little ones would still have their mother. My revulsion for Mona and her ruthless collaborators hardened. I felt cursed by my own guilt and the ugliness of our past life. There had been uneasiness in the others too, I noticed, whenever they spoke about the boys but it was impossible to discuss it while mummy was with us. Every night before I slept I spoke to Sharmila in the hope she might hear me wherever she now was. I told her all about her boys, whom I had committed myself to look after, as my own. I begged that if ever she returned to this world, she must give us all a second chance to care for her. I was almost split in half by my conflicting feelings of guilt for Sharmila and the joy of having mummy with us. Lipika could get to know her grandmother and we had her to ourselves, without my father or the grandparents to spoil it. Life with five children was noisy and space was limited. Dinesh was looking for somewhere bigger for us to live but we needed more money first.
I began to notice a change in Kajal that persisted. That coldness I had first encountered when I arrived back chilled me, whenever she came near. It disturbed me to be disquieted about her recovery. What was the matter? Not wanting to risk upsetting her, I waited until I was alone with Supriya instead and asked her what she thought could be wrong.
"I don't know. She is more animated in herself but lazy about doing her work. She all of a sudden changed mood, a short time after you left. I expect she was confused about you going away. You didn't explain it properly to her."
"Supriya, I know you always try to think kindly but I went through such terror to fetch mummy. Then returned to find Kajal much better, though lazy and hostile towards me. I feel cheated. Not only is she lazy but arrogant too, especially towards me."
"Manasa, such strange things have happened to us. How can we understand it all? At least she's well. It's time to take care of yourself. You have had a horrible time looking for your friend, Sharmila, then finding out what had happened to her." I knew Supriya was right. Though I did my best to follow her advice my disquiet continued. I tried to put it aside and to enjoy mummy's visit. I daydreamed about her overlooking our past and b
eing persuaded to stay with us permanently. The brothel had been a desperate step on our part. Would she understand that if ever she found out? What would she return to father for now, anyway? He had not shown her any care or kindness, that I could ever remember. We shared everything with her. Here she could spend her days watching her grandchild and the twins, and the boys, our other "family" children, bloom.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Although the market stall thrived it was not easy to feed us all. Dinesh spent a lot of time thinking about how to improve our situation. He had become very popular with the local people and was making contact with all kinds of traders.
Then at supper one evening he said, "I have been thinking that a very good way we could earn more money, would be to use the English we have learnt. There are always foreign tourists here and English is taught in schools to paying pupils. Manasa, you and I will help each other improve our English. We will spend some time each morning practising and I will teach you to write it. Then we can look for some employment."
"You think I can teach or work for tourists?" I was elated. I had enjoyed my English friends.
"Of course. You spoke mostly in English with Liz and Sally. Didn't you notice?"
"I noticed Dinesh." Kajal's shy words seemed to tumble out and now unable to tuck them back in she turned away.
"You did, Kajal?" I asked, more puzzled that she had taken anything in, at that time. Once I spoke she closed down immediately but I caught the wisp of a disappearing smile. She was warming towards me. I was glad.
"Then we'll begin tomorrow after Supriya and Kajal leave for the market." Dinesh continued hurriedly. He looked pleased and excited with his new idea. Everyone speculated on how marvellous it would be for us to take on such prestigious work, except for Kajal who puzzled me by her silence. Something must have been going on underneath all her other past silences. Yet, still I could not find it in me to ask her about it. I didn't know what I would be asking or if, by asking I might cause her to return to her former depression. Then I remembered her smile, only a moment ago and clung to the hope that she was truly recovering.
I began my English practise full of apprehension. Dinesh was patient. He knew how to encourage the best from me. Mummy had become engrossed in our market stall and had discreetly left us alone. Dinesh was more attentive to me, than ever before, but in spite of our light-hearted conversation I sensed something troubling him. "You are worrying, dear husband?" I hoped he would share it with me as he had always done before.
He looked at me with far away eyes for some moments. His words came faltering, "We've been fortunate to make a life here Manasa but I feel very angry and very sad about Sharmila. I wish I had not let you go to find her. I should have been the one to take that risk."
"You could not have saved her. She had already been murdered. But like you, I also blame myself."
"You? You are blameless and beyond fault. Beyond all fault, Manasa. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry about all this, about all that has happened."
We sat silently sharing our sadness. I felt warmed by his caring and his finding me so blameless, in full knowledge of the life I had led in Calcutta. It was like being cleansed. My love and respect for Dinesh deepened. How different marriage had revealed itself to be, from the bad dreams of the past when I had lived in the village and worked with Patap in the mill. I enjoyed this time to be alone with my husband. It had been possible to share our love physically only a few times since we had arrived in Darjeeling. It was good to comfort each other in this way now. Afterward Dinesh changed mood completely. Refreshed he was ready to plough back into our work with more concentration.
"Your English has improved greatly since you spent time with Liz and Sally. We will begin searching for a way to use it to earn some income. I'm very proud of you, Manasa."
In my new joy life became silk cushions, sunset on Mount Kanchenjunga, ivory and ebony; my new family sitting together at supper in our small dwelling. A shudder of fear, just a shudder hovered on the brink of this idyllic image. I refused to listen to its nagging. I didn't have so much time to give to the market but I took an interest. Mummy was generally expected to keep an eye on the children. They were a handful but she was teaching them to be protective towards each other. She said Tarun and Anil were too placid. Children should not be as compliant as that. The girls, on the other hand, were full of energy and laughter. We hoped it would eventually have a stimulating affect on the boys but, at the moment, it seemed to stun them into passive watching.
I was disappointed with Kajal. Having gone to so much trouble to fetch our mother, I had hoped that she would be pleased, which she was, but not with the kind of joy and relief I had expected. Apart from recovering from her depression I had hoped she would participate more in our new life, instead she was lazy and obstructive. She chose me as her opponent whenever she spoke to me yet she was more herself with mummy and Supriya, who both thought I exaggerated. I felt hurt and somehow isolated by Kajal's behaviour.
It was not until June with its burst of Monsoon deluge that Dinesh finally found employment for our linguistic talents. Just when we had almost given up hope, an hotelier and a mountain trek organiser jointly agreed for Dinesh and I to teach their staff some useful English, at a special price, while business was at its quietest. Except for Kajal we were all excited. To me her smile was an obvious effort.
"Kajal, you don't seem as pleased as I expected." I remarked.
"Stop picking on me. Of course I'm pleased. You are proving to us all how clever and indispensable you are." Her words struck me like blows from her fists. Shocked, I looked to mummy and then Supriya who seemed not to notice. Dinesh was busying himself with a small pile of English reading books he had recently bought from a local school.
Then, as if to admit nothing yet to forestall any quarrel that might erupt he said without looking up, "We'll sit in the warm kitchen to work Manasa."
I felt somehow bereft. Lipika came and sat beside me. She put her head in my lap and held onto my hand. I stroked her hair, which splayed itself over my knees in tousled confusion. "Let me finish tidying Lipika's hair." My fingers were rubbery and awkward, as though they could not obey orders from my brain. Lipika clung to me while I struggled to arrange her hair in a neat plait but she skipped off, as usual with the twins after I kissed her and said goodbye.
"Come Kajal. We are leaving now." Mummy called.
"I'll come later. I'm not feeling well today." Kajal lounged against the door.
Worried and tired our mother allowed Anil to tug at her arm pulling her away to the market with the others.
I felt awkward with Kajal but decided not to let my frustration fester any longer. "Kajal, I don't want to upset you. You know I am very fond of you, yet you are always pushing me away these days. Is something wrong between us?"
"What do you mean?" She spoke as if choking back tears yet she was dry-eyed, her body, tense.
I could not give up now, even if it did upset her. "Ever since I came back with mummy you have seemed angry with me."
"You're always thinking of yourself, Manasa. I'm tired of your complaints about me. No one else seems to find anything wrong. Have you become jealous?"
"Kajal! That is unfair. I am not jealous. I am concerned for you, for us. I no longer feel so close to you, as I once was, and I miss you."
"There you go again. You, you, you! I'm tired and my head's aching. Why don't you leave me alone? Go and let me sleep. Dinesh is waiting for you. You've got important things to do."
I was stunned. Kajal seemed to shrink with bitter sadness. I gave up trying to work it out. All I knew was that I had lost my sister. She looked old and ill. She had been through so much, how could I expect her to be herself? I felt selfish and ashamed. "I didn't mean to upset you. If you need anything, Kajal I will be close by so that I can listen for your call." Expressionless, she turned away from me and lay down on a blanket to sleep. I too turned away but with sorrow. Although Kajal's depression had lifted, she no longer
bothered much with the children or showed interest in anything new. Poor Kajal, her life was so full of grief. I had been too impatient, of course. It would take a lot longer for her to fully recover. She had lost two sons, in effect, Patap her only hope of marriage and now because of having to leave Calcutta without warning, Sharmila had been murdered just like little Ch'en. Two murders on her mind and she was being held responsible for one of them but probably felt guilty about both. I turned back to her to give some words of comfort. I knelt beside her "Kajal, I am so sorry you have such sadness inside you, with all that has happened to you. It makes me sad too." She didn't respond. She was either already asleep or pretending to be. Miserably, I got up and went into the kitchen to Dinesh.
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