I knocked on the chamber door and held my breath. It is late. What if he is abed, or worse, what if he is not alone? There was a thump followed by a mumbled reply. The door opened. The duke had a candle held up to his face. When he saw me standing in the hall, he nearly dropped his candle in surprise.
“I need to speak with you,” I said.
He looked up and down the hallway. “Come in,” he said in a whisper.
I slipped into his room. His fireplace had been lit, and beside it was a pair of armchairs. I walked over to them but did not sit down.
“Lady Diranel, why have you come to me at this late hour?”
I did not answer straight away. I looked to his bed, which had not been slept in. The duke was in his nightshirt, and I suspected I had just missed his valet, who would have helped him dress for bed. His wife was away at Keisan. We were truly alone for the first time. It is now or never.
“I dared not speak out in front of the others; I am in desperate need of your help.”
He frowned and looked at me for a moment without responding. He thinks this is a trick. He already does not trust Johai, and I am a convicted traitor. He may even think I killed King Dallin. But he let me into his room, and that is a start.
I decided to start from the beginning. If he did not believe I was his daughter, then he would not believe the rest. “Do you remember a Biski woman named Helene?”
His expression went from suspicion to surprise. “Yes... how?”
“I am her daughter.”
He regarded me for a moment. His eyes travelled over my face. I saw the recognition dawning. “You have the look of your mother, Helene.” He spoke her name like a prayer. “I can see it in your features now. How did I never see it before? Perhaps I did, and I did not want to admit it. So she married, then. I am glad. I always wondered where she went after she disappeared.”
“She went to Keisan, where she bore me. She never married or lay with another man after you.”
His eyes grew large as saucers as he regarded me. He pulled on his beard again, then dropped his hands to his sides. He shook his head. “Then you are...?”
“I am your daughter, your daughter by Helene.”
He fell to his knees. Tears were falling down and soaking his beard. “I should have known. I should have sensed it. When I saw you at Keisan, it brought forth those memories, the ones that I thought I had long buried, but seeing you today riding alongside the Biski, I thought it was her come again.”
I kneeled down beside him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
“I never wanted you to be put to death for treason. We thought we were doing the right thing. The Order was fighting for a better kingdom. That’s why I joined, but Adair, he is so impulsive. He told me that he would spare you the executioner block... I am so sorry. I should have known. I should have stopped him.”
We held each other for a moment, letting the truth settle upon us both. I have found more kin than I knew I had, a grandmother, a cousin, a father. I am rich with family now.
“I did not know the truth of my paternity until recently,” I admitted. “That is not why I came here to you, however.”
He had regained his composure, and we took seats in the chairs by the fire. Duke Wodell sat back, his hands on the arms of his chair.
“Does this have something to do with Helene?” my father asked.
“Yes and no,” I replied. I looked to the flames dancing in the fireplace. Dare I speak the words? I took a deep breath. “I need to return to Keisan. I would have you help me get there.”
He shook his head and rose to his feet. “No, Adair has demanded your life if you are found. If you return there, your life is forfeit.”
I smiled. Yes, but not at Adair’s hand, that much I have seen in the water. “Tomorrow Johai will ask you to take me to Keisan. He means to make me a spy.”
The duke sat back down. “Who are you to spy on?”
“Danhad. The Stone Clan has made pacts with both Danhad and Neaux. Half of the force has gone to join the Neaux army. What Aland brought is but half of his numbers. Johai is not who he once was, and he is using his newfound powers to manipulate both kingdoms to his own ends.”
“Then I will tell Adair his plans. We can stop this—”
“No!” I shouted. My voice echoed off the chamber walls. I continued in a lower tone, “Johai has been possessed by an ancient spirit. He is no longer himself, and he is much more dangerous than a man. If he were to suspect he had been betrayed, you would pay in blood.”
“Then you would have me send you to the wolf den in Keisan?”
“Yes, because that is what Johai wants. He wants me to turn myself in as an informant against him. He is going to reveal his own plot to Adair in order to confuse and mislead.”
The duke shook his head. “This is madness. Why play his game? What does he hope to achieve?”
Death. Chaos. Destruction. Any of those would be true. Instead I said, “He wants the throne, all of them. He wants complete control.”
My father contemplated the fireplace for a moment, perhaps considering my words. If he denied me, I would need to escape in the night. I had to get to Keisan, and with the duke’s protection, I might make it there alive. Without, I could risk my chances and hope Adair would be intrigued enough to listen.
“Very well, I will do this, but I will return with you to Keisan. I will not let you go again, not now that I know the truth.”
His unquestioning affection was a comfort. At least I have one ally. The hard part was yet to come. I still had to journey to Keisan and convince Adair that I had turned cloak and wanted to inform upon Johai. Goddess let him believe my lies before everything falls to ruin.
“You’ll have to give Aland the men he requests,” I said. The remaining words remained lodged in my throat. The plan weighed heavy on my conscience, but I had no real choice. “And choose with care, because the men who join them may well not return.”
He blanched but did not look away. “I see.” He swallowed. “I will pick my most trusted and loyal men to join them. What of Blackthorn, should we fear attack here?”
I saw the weight of his duty. He wanted to protect his people, those farmers and villagers who were dependent upon him, but there was the greater war. “I would leave a small force here, enough to hold if there is an attack but not enough to arouse suspicion.”
“Yes.” He nodded. “You’re right. We are playing a delicate game here.”
His words echoed my own thoughts exactly. It was late at night when I slipped back into the hall. My father promised to speak with me more on the journey. We had spent much time making plans for the journey and our deception. I wanted to learn more about him and my family. I knew he had children with his wife, the duchess. I have siblings. My head was swimming. Everything was going according to plan. The hall was empty, and long shadows danced on the walls from the sconces, which had burned low. Blackthorn was hushed, even the sounds of the guards were distant. My mind was reeling, chasing thoughts and making plans, and I did not hear the footsteps behind me.
“Maea, what are you doing out this late?” The voice was like honey but laced with poison.
I turned to face Johai. He was standing in the hall. His hair was tousled from sleep and falling forward over his shoulder. I may have been imagining it, but his eyes were blue as sapphires.
“Johai? Is that really you?”
Chapter Thirteen
FOR A MOMENT I HELD my breath. This is a trick. He is trying to deceive me. He came closer to me. Light from an open window fell upon his face, and I saw his eyes clearly. They were the eyes I remembered. No. He’s trapped inside his own body. The specter has control. This must be a dream. His expression was puzzled. He reached out for me and then withdrew his hand. He glanced from side to side.
“Maea, where are we?” he asked.
This has to be a trick. I will not let myself hope. “Where we have been all afternoon, at Duke Wodell’s estate, Blackthorn.”
He put his hand over his mouth and looked around. His movements were slow and clumsy. Not anything like the possessed Johai. I took a careful step forward. He saw me from the corner of his eye and stared at me wild eyed like a frightened animal. He did not run from me. I placed my hand upon his arm. His skin was warm and soft. He looked down at the connection. “I can feel that. You can hear me speak, why?”
My heart fluttered. Keep your head. The specter is the master of deception. All the words had seemed to dry up. I could only stare at him in wonder.
“The last I remember...” He stopped, and his eyes flickered for a moment from blue to black. My stomach clenched. Johai leaned against the wall, doubled over. The pain was etched upon his face. I was torn between assisting and fleeing. He looked up at me again, his expression pleading. “Maea, help me.”
My resolve crumbled. I rushed to his side. I helped him to his feet. He trembled all over. “Where are your chambers?” I asked.
He shook his head. We stood in the hall for a moment as I let him lean upon me. The tremors faded, and he was able to stand on his own feet once again.
“You should lie down,” I said.
“Yes.” He panted. “That would be for the best.”
I tried to slip out of his grasp, but he tightened his arm around my waist. “Please don’t leave me. It has been such a long time since I could touch you. I don’t want you to go away.”
I hesitated. I was not sure if this was some game the specter was playing with me. He’s in pain. I cannot leave him here alone. The least I can do is show him to his room. “I won’t leave you, I promise.”
We stumbled down the hall towards his chamber. We found the door open onto the hall. The bedding was in a tangle on the floor, as if Johai had woken suddenly and stumbled from the room. I helped him into a chair beside a dying fire. The embers glowed bright orange in the dimly lit chamber. I pulled a bellows from beside the basket and threw a few logs onto the embers. It took a few moments to get the fire going, but once it did, the room was filled with a comfortable warmth and adequate light. Johai stared at the flames, his hands folded in his lap.
He’s like a lost child. Not like the Johai I remember but not like the specter either. When I finished with the flames, I stood up and brushed off my gown where ash had clung to the fabric. My hands were soot stained. There was a basin of water and a pitcher by the door. I walked past Johai to go and clean my hands. He grabbed my wrist as I passed and stopped my progress.
“You said you would not leave me.” His eyes were wide and panicked.
I stroked his hand upon my wrist to sooth him. Where our skin touched, I felt a tingle of electricity. He was watching me with an intense, near hungry gaze. “I’m not leaving. I just need to wash my hands.”
“Oh.” He released my hand, and I found I regretted the loss of his touch. I washed my hands quickly; all the while I felt Johai’s gaze upon me. I turned to face him, and he was sitting on the edge of his seat. The fire was blazing behind him. The color is right, but is it really him?
I clutched the table, holding the basin for a moment before pushing off and going to sit across from Johai. I spent a few moments fussing with my skirts before letting my gaze fall upon him. His white hair was tangled and fell forward in front of his eyes. He looked ready to burst from his seat. He sat upon the edge, his hands clutching the arms of his chair. I studied his face. Nothing changed but the eye color. Nothing changed when the specter took over either. He’s not smirking; that’s a good sign, I suppose. “Johai is it really you, or am I dreaming a cruel dream?”
He looked away. “Yes and no.”
The flesh upon my arms prickled. “I thought you were trapped inside the specter. How can I be seeing the real you?”
He rubbed his right arm with his hand. He refused to look at me. “I cannot say. Time has lost most meaning to me. The last I clearly remember was Sanore.” He turned to look at me then. “I thought you were dead; I thought Arlene had killed you. I lost control, and I unleashed too much power.” He groaned and doubled over in his chair, wrapping his arms around his knees. I jumped up and knelt down beside him. I rested my hand on the nape of his neck. His hair was like silk against my skin. His flesh was pricked with gooseflesh, and his body trembled again.
“What is wrong? What can I do to help?” I rubbed his back. It seemed an ineffectual gesture, but after a few moments, he calmed and looked up at me with his natural eyes. This is him, my Johai. I can see it when I look into his eyes, but the specter knows Johai is in control. He will try to take over once more. How long will this respite last?
Johai placed his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look him in the eye. The pain and the fear were written clearly there. He kissed me, pressing his lips hard against mine. I was surprised at first, but I opened my mouth to his kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck, tangling my hands in his silken hair. If this is a trick or dream, let me never wake. He pulled me close, guiding me to sit on his lap. His hands went from my shoulders to my hips, and everywhere he touched seemed to be burning. I pulled away, panting for breath. He looked at me with a confused expression.
“I’m afraid,” I said, answering his unspoken question.
“So am I,” he whispered. He buried his head in my neck. I closed my eyes as he kissed me there.
The female du-toath draw power from the longest dance, giving their maidenhead makes them whole. I thought of the ritual in the forest, that burning desire I had felt after I danced with Johai then. It felt like that now but a hundredfold more. This was my Johai, the real one, and for a moment I had him in my arms. I did not care why or how; I wanted to indulge in this moment.
“I’ve been living in a waking nightmare,” he whispered against my skin. “I saw you, but you were always out of reach, deaf to my voice and unable to feel my touch.”
I cried. I did not even care if I had sworn not to; Johai was here with me. The tears slid down my cheeks. “I’ve missed you; there’s so much I need to tell you.” I need to tell him about the Sea Chamber. How will I explain to him about my decision to take the specter to the underworld?
He shook his head. “I don’t know how much time we have.” He stroked my cheek gently, tracing down to my chin with the tips of his fingers. “I love you. Do not ever forget.”
I kissed him again, fiercely. If I could have made our bodies one, I would have done so. I would never be parted from you again if it were my choice.
When we broke apart for air, I said, “I feel like this is a dream. The specter took over your body. I prayed every day that I would find a way to save you. Why now?”
He did not have an answer for me. He lifted me off my feet. I squawked in surprise as he carried me to the bed. He laid me down and climbed on top. He straddled me, his weight supported by his arms as he leaned over me. My heart was hammering in my chest. This may be my last chance to be with him. The specter will not give up. There is only one way to end this. I pushed the thought away. For now I wanted to think of nothing but Johai, his touch and his kiss.
The desire I had been keeping at bay for weeks now bubbled to the surface. I ran my hands across Johai’s chest before reaching for the hem of his shirt and pulling it off. He smiled at me; it was shy and uncertain, just as I felt. He leaned back so I could sit up. I kneeled on the bed, and he sat behind me. He undid the laces of my gown. Every time his fingers touched my skin, I was alight with anticipation. When the last of the laces came loose, I stood up and slid out of the gown. It pooled at my feet, swallowing up my ankles. I turned around wearing nothing but my shift. I crossed my hands over my chest, feeling exposed.
He looked me up and down, and I blushed under his assessment. He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose. “You are beautiful.”
I was suddenly filled with doubt. I turned away to face the wall. The air had chilled, and I felt my nakedness sharply.
This moment was either a gift or a trap. I could not be certain. I knew at the back of my mind that thi
s may well be a trick. No matter how like himself he seemed, the truth was Johai should be trapped inside the specter.
“I can’t do this,” I said.
Do not let yourself be deceived by him. Those had been my mother’s parting words when last we met. Was she warning me of this moment? Has the specter grown tired of waiting, and now he cloaks himself as Johai to take me at last?
“You don’t trust me?” he said. There was no accusation in his tone, only sadness.
I turned to face him. I sensed no deceit in him. My mind was clear. I did not feel as if I was being tricked. It felt real, and that’s perhaps what scared me the most. I have him now but for how long? What will I do when the specter takes him back? Is he watching this from behind Johai’s eyes, gloating?
“I’m afraid. You’re my enemy, and I’m afraid if I give in to you, then I may well lose myself.”
He came as close to me as he could without touching. I closed my eyes. I could not look him in the eye, seeing the longing there. He wants me, and I want him.
“Maea.” His voice caressed me.
I shivered. If I open my eyes, my Johai will be gone and this will be a trick. The specter will laugh at my foolishness.
“I will not force you. However, my time is short, and the next time he takes control, I may never reemerge. This moment is just that, but a moment. When I close my eyes to sleep, I would rather do so knowing that you loved me and that I did not ruin everything the moment I put that necklace around your neck.”
My eyes flew open. He was staring at me intently, searching my face for an answer.
Once upon a time, I had blamed Johai for everything that had befallen me. When I had lost my memories, it was because he wanted to protect me from him. Maybe at the back of his mind he had always known that the specter only meant me harm, or maybe he thought I would be better off without him. He had saved me in more ways than I could count. I am willing to die for you, I wanted to say. Nothing I could do would ever repay my debts to him, but I was willing to try.
[fan] diviners saga 03 - diviners fate Page 17