by Angela Nock
'Let's not play any more games. Have it. Sell it. Do what you like, because I'm done.'
'Oh, this is what it's about. You want money.'
'No. I don't want anything from you.'
'We'll see, It won't be long…How dare you. After everything I've done for you!'
I looked at her raging face - her fiery red hair, her angry emerald eyes - and I felt nothing. I didn't know if I loved her, hated her, or what I felt about her. I didn't know what would happen in the future, but I knew in that moment, I had to get away from her. I needed to find myself, be myself, without all the drama.
'I'm sorry,' I said, a stray tear running down my cheek, 'that I was never enough for you.'
'Oh spare me the bullshit, Evelyn.'
'But I am enough. The problem is you Mom, not me.'
'Wow,' Her nostrils were flaring. She looked like she was on the edge of exploding.
'Don't try and contact me. I'll contact you. When I'm ready.'
'It won't be long before you're back,' she said, 'you're nothing without me.'
I took the silver chain from around my neck and slipped off the key. 'You can have this,' I said, throwing the key on the sofa. 'Everything. Take it. I won't need it where I'm going.'
'Evie?' asked Josh. 'Are you sure? All your memories…'
'It's fine,' I said, giving him a smile, 'I don't need them anymore. They're my past. I've got new memories to make now.'
Cassie looked at the key on the sofa, then at me. 'If you walk out that door, you're not coming back, do you hear me?'
'Bye Mom,' I said. I turned to leave. I felt her tugging at my sleeve.
'Evie, I'm sorry…don't go. I need -'
'Bye Mom,' I said, pulling away from her grip. I slung my rucksack over my shoulder. The only thing I would be taking with me was the book of Solomon.
I wiped the tear from my eye. But the strange thing was, I didn't feel sad. I felt an enormous sense of relief. A huge weight, that I didn't know I'd been carrying, was lifted from my shoulders. I felt free.
I shut the front door to the sound of a glass being smashed and Cassie screeching, Evelyn!'
I held on to Josh's hand.
'You okay?'
'I will be,' I said. But there was one thing still left to do.
Chapter Twenty
I'd rung Celia after I'd left Cassie's house. Cassie's house. Not my home. Not now. That was a few thousand miles away on another continent.
At first, I couldn't get through and got the engaged tone. I guessed Cassie had rung her. I was right. She'd answered my call with a, 'What the hell is wrong with you?' I let her rant at me until she run out of steam. I'd finished that call with a 'Good luck.' Cassie wasn't my problem anymore. And for that I was relieved.
I'd visited my father's grave and left a single deep crimson rose; one last final goodbye. My heart felt heavy with sorrow, not because I was leaving, but for the thoughts of what could have been. Maybe I would visit him again. I would never say never.
Who knew what tomorrow would bring. Tomorrow was a new day. A new life. A rebirth.
I stood at the side of the Old Bridge, looking out over the river where only a few months ago I had tried to end my life. And what a journey I had been on since then. How I had changed.
The girl who jumped wouldn't recognise herself now.
'Hey,' said a deep voice, waking me from my thoughts, 'you okay?'
I turned around. A man stood before me, in his thirties, with long hair and a Metallica tee-shirt.
'Sorry?'
'You okay?' he asked again.
'Me? Yes, I'm fine. Thank you.'
'No, I'm sorry. It's just…it's just that you looked so sad and I know this has been a popular place for….well, someone jumped a few months ago. They…well, I'm sorry. Glad you're okay.'
I smiled at him. He turned and began to walk away.
'Thanks,' I shouted after him.
He turned, raised his hand at me, with a shy smile on his face, and then he was on his way again.
'Evie?'
Sam. My sweet, dependable Sam.
'Hey you,' I said. My heart broke. Sam would be the only person I would miss from this Godforsaken town.
'You okay?' he asked.
'I'm fine.'
'You sure? You seem…?'
'I'm fine. Thanks for coming. I just wanted to…'
'What Ev? You're scaring me.'
I threw my arms around my best friend. If only I could take him with me. I was crying. I loosened my grip on him and looked up into his eyes.
'Ev?'
'I'm going away.'
'Oh Ev, I thought it was something serious.'
'And I'm not coming back.'
'What? You've got to come back,' he said, holding me at arms' length, as he studied my face 'What do you mean?'
'I'm going to Harlem.'
'Harlem? But…?'
'I'm going to live there -'
'With Josh?'
A lump caught in the back of my throat. For a short while, I thought to myself, but then I'll be on my own. But I'm going to be okay.
'Yes.' It was only half a lie.
'But A-levels…University…me…?'
'They're not for me,' I said, fearing I was about to break down.
'But…Ev…?'
'When I'm settled, I'll text you, let you know where I am.'
'And Cassie is cool with this?'
'No, but I'm doing it anyway.'
'Wow. Ev. I…'
'Love you, Sam.'
'I love you too.'
'Maybe one day you can come and visit? You might even like it so much you'll want to stay.'
'I'm going to miss you,' I said.
'Me too. Come here.' He pulled me in for a big hug. He felt warm and safe. I was going to miss him.
'Be happy,' I said.
'I will. And you too.' He kissed the top of my head.
'Goodbye.'
Chapter Twenty-One
It turned out my last goodbye was eighteen days later. The dawn after the next full moon.
We'd been blissfully happy over those few days. Josh had taken me to Obadiah's house, and with Death's blessing, and that of the angels', I had become, not only The Watcher of the Book of Solomon, but the guardian of Obadiah's books too. At last I was home. At last I felt like I belonged somewhere.
Josh and I had hidden the Book of Solomon in St. Patrick's Cathedral, Manhatten. A glorious Neo-Gothic building opposite the Rockefeller Centre. I knew that I would have to move it eventually to a more protected place, but I had the rest of my life to do that. Now I had to concentrate on myself and Josh.
The dawn of his death was on us all too soon. Death waits for no man.
We'd decided to go to the top of the Rockefeller centre to see the sunrise. I'd wanted to give him one last look of New York City before he left this world. Before he left me. I knew, that whenever I visited the Centre, it would always remind me of him.
But the walk to it was excruciating.
I didn't want to fly. I wanted to take my time, to try and make the time slow down.
I couldn't move, my legs felt like lead weights planting me to the ground like an anchor. I was struggling to breathe as the pain, the tears I had fought for so long made the final push to explode. My chest tightened. I could feel the panic rising like mercury. It stuck in my throat like a stone. The fear of what was coming closed its black fingers around my throat and began to squeeze, draining me of any energy I had left to go on. Madness was but a hair's breadth away as the tremors took hold of my body.
Maybe if I didn't go any further, if I stayed here, on this spot, it wouldn't happen.
I dug my feet into the ground and pulled Josh back by the hand.
'What if we go home and…'
'And?' Josh squeezed my hand, his head drooped and he sighed.
Why was I being so selfish? So stupid?
Slowly he turned to look at me and smiled, but his eyes betrayed his sadness. He fought back the tears as he gaze
d into my eyes.
'You know nothing will work. We can't run away from this. It is going to happen. It is my time to die.'
A stray tear ran down my face and he rubbed it away with his thumb. Silence hung between us. We both looked at each other over the void of sadness.
'We will see each other again,' he said.
My chest heaved as I swallowed down a sob.
Again could be a very long time away. Lifetimes even.
Even though Josh was still alive, and in front of me, and I could reach out and touch his face, and kiss his lips, or run my fingers through his hair, I knew there would be a time in the not so distant future when I wouldn't be able to do that. It was like a ghost haunting me, and as much as I tried to live in the moment the future always seemed to get in the damn way.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. He kissed my lips hard. I flung my arms around him and kissed him harder, harder and needier than at any other time since I had met him. Finally, he pulled back from my grasp and turned pulling me with him up the road.
I will always remember the sky that night; the unusually large moon hanging in a starry sky. I thought, how could the night be so goddamn beautiful when everything else was ugly and torn and desperate?
Then the pain began again, the knot tying my stomach up constricted even further and I thought I was going to choke on the desperation as my mind searched for the answer. I couldn't lose him, I'd only just found him.
We'd walked only maybe a hundred yards, I yanked him back, flung myself at him. I couldn't stop myself, I wanted to drink him in, make him part of me forever. We fell onto the bonnet of a car, setting the alarm off. I could feel his warm body pressing onto mine. The need was consuming, overpowering. I couldn't think straight.
He wrenched his body from mine but I could see from the hunger in his eyes that he needed me too.
'I know what you're trying to do -'
'I'm not trying to do anything,' I said and the tears began to cascade down my face, 'I…I just…I don't want to let you go.'
He took my hand and pulled me off the car. Reluctantly I stumbled forward, the tears in my eyes clouding my view. It was easier not to see. Not to see how close we were getting to the finish line, to the end. Somewhere in the distance, a fox screeched. It was a painful sounding cry, maybe it felt the sadness hanging over the night.
Suddenly he stopped. I could see tears welling in his eyes, the pain that lingered there.
'Promise me,' he said, his voice almost faltering, 'promise me that you won't lose it again, that you won't do anything stupid when I'm gone.'
I couldn't make the words leave my lips.
'Promise me,' he said taking my chin in his hand and forcing me to look him in the eyes. The pain was becoming unbearable, like a physical ache that was ripping my body apart. He was still standing there in front of me but I was missing him so much already.
'If you don't, we can't go any further,' he said, 'I will die alone.' His voice was cold, hard but I knew he didn't mean it, he was just trying to protect me.
'Okay,' I managed. My gaze dropped to the floor and I slumped forwards onto him. He put his face into my neck, I could feel his warm tears on my skin.
'I need to hear you say it,' he whispered, 'tell me you promise me, then I know you mean it.'
'I promise.' I could contain myself no longer. Huge aching sobs of need burst from me, my knees buckled and I fell onto him. In one fluid motion, he scooped me up from the floor. I could feel the panic rising in me again, how could I go on without him? How could the sun still rise, the birds still sing, the seasons go by if he wasn't here to share it with me?
'It will get better you know,' he said. He took to the sky.
I could hear every wing beat counting down the seconds until…
I recalled what Death had told me; 'You will be together again.' Was that really true?
Would I ever be able to get over losing Josh?
I sobbed, tightening my arms around him.
We continued our journey in thoughtful silence. But all too soon we were sitting on top of the Rockefeller Centre, the whole of the New York skyline before us. I tried, desperately, to hold onto my tears. The stars were beginning to fade as dawn approached. It wouldn't be long before the light of day snuffed their light out completely and then…
And then I would be alone.
It only seemed like yesterday I had waved goodbye to Cassie and Sam in England. Maybe one day I would return, but for now, my future was in Harlem, with Obadiah's old books.
We stood by the perspex barriers and looked out towards the horizon where dawn was beginning to show her rosy fingers. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.
'I love you.'
'I love you too.' I don't know how I managed to say the words. It felt like I was hurtling towards some kind of apocalypse and everything seemed to be speeding it up, willing it to happen.
'Be happy. You will find someone -'
'No. I can't think of that. I can't.'
'I just don't want you to be alone,' he said, a tear ran down his cheek like a long silvery thread.
'I know but I can't imagine ever being with someone else…'
'You are the most wonderful person I have ever known. You can't just lock yourself away after I'm gone. I couldn't bear that. You deserve to be happy, to love again, to be loved.'
I flung my hands over my ears like a petulant child. 'I can't think about that now.'
'I'm sorry,' He took my face in his hands and kissed me softly, a lingering kiss of sadness. I pulled back and looked into his eyes, his beautiful rainbow eyes which glistened with tears.
'Are you sure this is where you want to be? Because, if you want to go back to England…'
'No, I'm in the place I need to be,' I said, wrapping my hands in his dark silky hair and pulling him forwards. This time our kiss was stronger, full of passion and longing. Need took over, the overwhelming sense of our loss to come drove us on, it was as if we were trying to kiss the pain away, that each touch, each sigh could make us whole again. Tears ran like rivers from our eyes but the pain, the need, never receded. In fact, it became stronger, more intense with each passing moment.
Slowly, the sun's rays began to appear on the horizon. I couldn't panic now, I had to be strong, to keep it together. This was our last moment together before I lost him.
He held my hand tight, and just as the first of the sun's rays washed over the sweeping panorama, he turned to me and said, 'I love you, always remember that,' he stopped momentarily, his face betraying the pain that was beginning to take control of his body. His skin was white, like mother of pearl where all the colours of the rainbow danced upon the surface of his skin. 'Whenever you think of me, don't be sad, please Evie,' he clasped my hand tighter, it was cold and shaking, 'and if you ever, ever feel lonely, just remember we'll be together again someday, okay?'
I nodded my head but a new resolve had gripped my heart. I would not cry now. I would not let the pain steal this last moment from me. I placed my arm around his back and leaned in to him.
'I love you,' I whispered. 'I always will.'
His body tensed as spasms of pain wracked his body. The sun climbed higher with every second that passed, the pain increasing with it. But he did not cry out, he bit down into it, tasted every lingering second.
'I…love…'
I moved in closer, tried to hold him tight, to ease his pain.
'You.' He kissed me on the side of the face, a cold lingering kiss.
And then he was gone.
His body crumbled. Turned to ash. A million sparkling diamonds, small specks of shimmering rainbow exploded into the sky. Beautiful ice tears fell from the sky as if heaven itself were crying for my loss.
For the briefest of moments, I was stunned, too much in denial to know what to do. I just looked at the glistening crystals as they floated in the sky around me, little sparkling slivers of light. Of love. A cool breeze kissed me and was gone.
I wa
s finally on my own.
Pain is such a little word to describe the enormity, the life-shattering feeling as it rips through your body.
I was on my own. It hit me like a speeding train. The pain, the sobs that I had fought to control for so long erupted from me like a volcano. I collapsed to the floor as the panic gripped me again.
How could I be on my own?
How could I not see him again?
Epilogue
Death
Human life is a fleeting thing, a mere blink of the eye for me. From the day you are born you are marching towards me. You cannot escape me.
The air was warm against my old, cold skin, and smelled of late summer blooms; rose, iris and viburnum. In the distance, trains rattled on dusty tracks, children played in the streets and dogs barked. Life continued.
I hesitated. I knew I had to do it, I had to finish it, but this death brought me no joy.
I didn't usually Reap, but this death was special. This death deserved my attention.
She was sitting in an old wooden rocking chair in a small courtyard lined with pots of lilies and roses. Ivy climbed the crumbling walls and grew along the cracks in the floor.
I hadn't been there in over seventy years but the smell of old books and coffee still infused in the air, now mixed with the homely smells of vanilla and custard and the baking of cakes.
Two young children raced out of the back door.
'Nan, look,' said the younger one, holding up a cupcake topped in thick, pink icing. She had big green eyes and a cheeky smile.
The old woman looked up from her book and smiled. 'That's beautiful,' she replied.
'Do you want it now?'
'I'll think I'll have it with my cup of coffee. Do you want to put it in the kitchen for me, and I'll be in in a minute?'
'Theo! Grace! Come in and clean up, please.' It was a woman's voice. I didn't recognise it.
It seemed much had happened in the intervening years since I had last seen her.
Theo looked at the old woman and rolled his eyes.
'Go on,' she said, with a smile. The two children returned her smile and ran off back into the house.