by Charity B.
After three tries, my heart slows, and I’m finally able to get enough air to talk. “Thank…you.”
Adriel’s wet eyebrows scrunch with worry. “Are you okay?”
I nod when my mom hugs me against her. “Good boy, baby. Good boy”
I cry harder as I pick up one of the larger shards. When I fell earlier, the pain from cutting my arm loosened my panic. Staring at it any longer will change my mind, so I bring it across my wrist. It almost makes me laugh, the immediate relief it gives me.
Just when I think I’m feeling better, despair wraps itself around my lungs again. It’s like everything I thought I knew about her isn’t real. She wouldn’t listen to me! She just let me cry as she took what was never hers. While it was happening, I wanted my dad to know so he would put an end to it.
Now, I can’t imagine ever saying it out loud.
What should I have done differently? I should have screamed or left or something. Maybe if we hadn’t eaten Chinese or if I had picked a different movie. The Avengers is—was my favorite. Now I want to smash it into a hundred pieces. I’ll never watch it again.
My skin feels greasy and sticky. I need her grime off of me. Slipping back in the bathroom, I turn on the water, silently screaming when I can’t get it hot enough to wash away the filth covering me. My skin is red and scrubbed raw before I finally get out to return to my room. Laying on my pillow, I let the tears soak the fabric.
She gets confused sometimes. Maybe that’s what happened. Maybe she doesn’t even know she did it. Maybe it’ll never happen again.
Please, please, God. Don’t let it happen again.
I realize that I’m praying to someone who either doesn’t exist or doesn’t care. The ‘loving Father’ my dad constantly preaches about is a myth. Any God that would allow that to happen to me is a sadistic one.
A soft tap jerks my head to look at the door as Adriel’s high-pitched voice asks, “Hey, are you awake?” My heart leaps so hard it feels as if it lifts me off my bed and across the room. I nearly knock her over as I hold her tight, my tears wetting the strands of her hair.
“Kai? Why are you so sad?”
I want to tell her, but I can’t conjure up the sentences. My legs go weak, bringing me to my knees. Hugging her waist, I cry against her stomach.
She doesn’t ask any more questions as her fingers gently stroke my hair, and she sings, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.”
Adriel
17 years old
Mommy and Daddy’s funeral is tomorrow. It took the investigators nine days to get them back to us. Uncle Bennett organized everything. He brought in a mortician from Dubuque to prepare Mommy and Daddy’s bodies for the service. Even though I’ve been around lots of dead people growing up, seeing my own parents stiff with death will be completely different.
The mortician that Uncle Bennett brought in is old and grumpy. I glare at him as my fingertips get hot. My anger bubbles up as I imagine how he must have ruined them.
The most important part of my entire job is to recreate the essence of who they were when they still had breath, I once heard Mommy say.
He didn’t even know them! How is he supposed to do that? Regardless, when I squeeze tight to Malakai’s hand and we walk up to the caskets, I can almost pretend that they’re only dreaming. Their cheeks are so pink I find myself waiting for them to breathe.
“They look nice.” It’s the only response I can come up with, so I’m relieved when Kai answers.
“Mom would have been impressed.”
Daddy apparently decided to be embalmed and buried with Mommy. He always did what she wanted instead of what he did. Why should death be any different? She never truly appreciated him. When I realize what he did for her, my hate blazes. She didn’t deserve him. In this moment, I decide I will deserve who I love.
Kai…
I know he’s struggling right now. Our parents haven’t even been gone for two weeks yet. He hasn’t touched me once since our shower or spoken of it. He’s being devoured by misplaced guilt. It hurts that he feels that way, thinking what we’ve done is bad and evil. He’s wrong. We were born siblings for a reason. I know that. And God doesn’t make mistakes. I believe He thought it was so important that we were together that He made sure we grew up in the same home. The only thing between me and Kai is love, and God is love. That can’t be wicked or dirty. I just have to help him see through the lies the world tells. He has to see us in our purest form.
As I look up at my brother, I watch the tears roll down his face while he stares into Mommy’s casket. Since we’re alone, I tenderly touch his cheek, allowing a tear to bead onto the pad of my fingertip. His gaze heats up my skin when I stick out my tongue to taste his sadness.
“I wish I could eat more than your tears. I wish I could gobble up everything you’re feeling. I hate it when you’re sad.”
Suddenly, he’s holding me. His head rests against my shoulder as he releases a sound that pretends to be a laugh, but it’s really a sob.
“I love you so fucking much. You know that, right?” he cries.
I nod quickly, wrapping my arms around him in a hug.
There’s never been a moment in time that I didn’t love and completely, truly know him. Yet now he suffers in a way I can’t make myself understand, no matter how much I try to. Defiance is his armor, anger his shield. I’ve only seen him truly break once. Right now, it’s like he’s about to crumble into dust. He cries so hard, his body tremors against mine. My fingers clench his hair, holding him up and keeping him close.
I have emotions like everyone else. It’s only, some of them hide behind a blurry glass. I can sense them; I just don’t experience them like Kai does.
He’s told me since the beginning that he hated what Mommy made him do. I’ve known that’s how he felt, but it isn’t until this moment that I think I’m starting to understand that she hurt him in many more ways than physical.
“Are you happy that she’s gone?” I ask.
I think he’s mad at me, the way he shoves us apart, composing himself into a glare so quickly. He opens his mouth, releasing a scream. He screams and screams at the top of his lungs. It’s so loud that I have to cover my ears. Suddenly, he stops as quickly as he started, his arms falling limp at his sides.
Uncle Bennett rushes into the chapel, panic all over his washed-out face. “What happened?! What’s wrong?” he pants.
Malakai looks at him as an enormous grin spreads across his face. A loud, booming laugh breaks through as he doubles over in a fit of hilarity. I don’t know what’s happening, and Uncle Bennett looks just as confused as I am. When Kai falls to his knees, his breathing starts to even out. I rush over to him to hug him close, rubbing his back with my hand.
His beautiful silver eyes are wet. They meet mine as his voice comes out cold.
“Yes.”
After Kai’s, what Uncle Bennett referred to as ‘mourning’ today, he seemed mostly normal. Just really tired.
I love watching him sleep. His chest rising and falling is mesmerizing in the moonlight. The wooden chair beside his bed gives me a perfect view of his face. He’s beautiful when he’s awake, but when he sleeps, he takes the breath from my lungs.
Llumi Star, my blue llama with a plush, glittery unicorn horn, sits between my legs. I find myself rocking against her. Kai’s hand rests on his chest as my gaze goes to his fingers. I can almost feel them if I imagine hard enough. Spreading my legs, I pull my panties to the side, never taking my eyes off my big brother. Even though Llumi Star’s horn is soft and bendy, I’m super slippery, so it’s strong enough to slide inside of me.
It’s easy to pretend I’m fucking him instead of my toy with his perfect body dreaming right in front of me. I grind against Llumi Star, her soft fur tickling my clitty when Kai lets out a sigh. The chance that he could wake up and find me this way makes me move faster. I bite my lip to contain my moans. With each leg draped over the armrests of the chair,
I spread them further.
“Kai,” I whisper.
The tingle starts in my toes, working its way up my legs until it’s between my thighs. I start shaking involuntarily while I whimper, trying to push Llumi Star deeper.
“Yes, Kai…” I say louder this time. My skin explodes, consuming me in prickling pleasure.
Thud.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I jerk my head to Kai’s bedroom door. Uncle Bennett’s whisper is angry as he glares at my position. His lips curl in repulsion before he quietly snaps, “Kitchen. Now.”
My cheeks burn in embarrassment as I hurry to right myself and pull down my nightgown. I hold on tight to Llumi Star as I make my way downstairs, finding Uncle Bennett sitting at the table with his face in his hands. I say nothing, taking a seat in the chair across from him. Silence has never made me uncomfortable, but right now, I wish he would just speak.
When he lifts his head, his eyes find Llumi Star sitting on the table. He scoffs, “Do you want to explain to me what I just saw, or would you rather I assume the worst?”
“What do you think you just saw?” I’m not going to tell our secret without being sure he already knows it.
His eyes bulge, and his cheeks puff out with fury. “I think I saw you rubbing your pussy to your goddamn brother! Am I fucking warm?!”
I narrow my eyes at him. Yelling at me isn’t going to do anything besides wake up Malakai. “He’s my brother, and I love him. I don’t feel bad about that.”
“I’m burying my sister tomorrow. I honestly don’t have the energy for this shit. From now on, you are forbidden to be alone with him until I say otherwise. Now, go to fucking bed.”
Though his voice is low, rage punches out in each syllable. He’s not the only one that’s mad though. I ball my hands into fists before banging them on the table and standing to face him. “NO! You can’t do that!”
He jumps up to match me with clenched teeth. “Go to your motherfucking room now, before I decide to let the state deal with you.”
The knife caddy sits on the counter as I pass to go to the hall. As soon as I see it, a man’s voice speaks in my ear.
He’s trying to keep you apart! It sounds different from when my creations talk to me, like it’s closer.
Over and over a woman whispers, Do it! KILL HIM!
Spinning in a circle, my heart picks up speed. There’s nobody here besides Uncle Bennett. I glance at the knives again, but shake my head.
I can’t. I made a promise to Kai.
Malakai
18 years old
Since I’ve helped Uncle Bennett with funerals in the past, I have two suits to choose from. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here staring at them, unable to make a decision. Not that it matters, the suit I wear won’t alter the fact that my life is about to change permanently.
Adriel hasn’t come to my room this morning. I really thought she would have at least checked up on me by now. I have no idea how she’s handling things today, and yesterday’s freak-out might have made her nervous.
I need her with me through what’s sure to be the worst day of my life. Not even my run this morning could clear my head. The floor creaks beneath my feet on the way to her bedroom where her toys stare at me from the shelves with their creepy eyes.
Pounding down the stairs, I continue my search. Food from people sending their condolences surrounds my uncle who looks convincingly put together, sitting at the kitchen table in his suit.
“Hey, Uncle Bennett, have you seen Adriel this morning?” I get a glass to fill it with juice. When I turn to him, I’m surprised by his expression. His face has lost its color, while at the same time it’s so twisted up, he looks like he could blow a fuse at any moment. “Uncle Bennett?”
Standing to walk to the sink, he places his mug inside. “We need to have a conversation after the service about your sister.” I sway on my feet as my thoughts jump to the worst possible scenario. What the hell did she do? Unable to speak, I nod my understanding. As he leaves the kitchen, he looks over his shoulder and spits, “I think she’s in the chapel.”
With an hour until the funeral, I pray we have the privacy to discuss what this is about. I walk as fast as possible without breaking into a run the whole way to the chapel. Air rushes through my lips when my feet cross the threshold, and I see Adriel sitting alone on the front row, staring at the boxes that hold our parents. Slowly walking up the light gray aisle lined in teal roses, I take my seat next to her on the pew.
“Are you gonna say anything today?” My voice seems to echo, breaking the dense silence.
Her Mary Jane clad feet swing as she shrugs. “I don’t know. I think whatever I have to say should be to them. Not a bunch of people that didn’t know them like we did.”
That’s something that’s been bothering me. What I want to say to them can’t be said in a chapel. Her not speaking will hopefully make my lack of eulogy less noticeable.
My shoulders tense when I whisper, “Did something happen with Uncle Bennett? He wants to talk to me…about you.”
She shuts her eyes as her teeth worry her lower lip. “I don’t want to upset you more today.”
With my building anxiety, keeping my voice down isn’t easy. “It will be worse to wonder. Just tell me.”
The torn lace of her three-legged doll’s dress worms between her nervous fingers. “Um…he caught me doing something last night.”
“What? What were you doing?”
“I-I was touching myself…you know,” her gaze falls to her lap, “there…while I was watching you sleep.” Slowly, her eyes rise to meet mine. “He says we aren’t allowed to be alone together anymore.”
My jaw is made of lead as I gape at her. She did what?! What was she thinking? My anger at her for allowing herself to get caught is tainted by the image of what she must have looked like. I hate my body’s reaction to her in this moment, my erection growing right in front of my dead parents.
Her hand softly rubs over the bulge in my pants. I shove her off as I nearly fall out of the pew. “Are you fucking serious? This…” I gesture between us, “is way past done.”
Even as I storm out of the chapel, I fight with myself. The further I get from her, the harder it is to not go back to her. I feel bad… I mean, I do want her just as much as she wants me, and it’s fucked up to act otherwise. Still, we’ve got to stop this. I can’t believe getting caught wasn’t enough for her to realize this could ruin our lives even more.
Waiting for the funeral to start in my room is the safest option right now. I go upstairs to lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling until Uncle Bennett knocks on my door and lets himself in.
“We’re about to start.”
Sitting up, I rest my arms on my knees. “Uncle Bennett?” He tilts his head in question as I blurt, “We don’t need to talk about Adriel. I took care of it. Nothing like that will happen again. I swear…You really have nothing to worry about. She’s just struggling to process all this.”
With a slight nod, he shoves his hands in his pockets. “I hope so.”
The chapel is filled with most of the congregation along with a few people Mom had worked with over the years. If they only knew a fraction of the truth about my parents, these seats would be much emptier. I follow Uncle Bennett up the aisle, stopping to nod at the blur of meaningless condolences.
Adriel is waiting by herself on the front row. Now that I’ve hopefully diverted my uncle’s worries, I feel guilty for speaking to her that way, on today of all days. The moment I take my seat, I squeeze her hand between us, sneaking a quick kiss on her fingers.
Uncle Bennett takes his place at the front while I lean over to whisper, “I’m sorry I yelled.”
A small smile from her is all I need to know that I’m forgiven. As our uncle thanks everyone for coming, she leans her head on my shoulder. A few scriptures are read, and music is played. When Uncle Bennett begins his eulogy, my composure weakens.
Sorrow creeps up my gut, sticking in my
throat to hear him speak about my mother before I was born. I never knew that woman. The woman he speaks of is not the same one that raised us.
He opens it up for others to talk if they choose. Stares burn the back of my neck. They all expect me to speak. As if sensing my restlessness, Adriel scoots closer, holding tight to my hand.
We listen to people speak words that are impossible to relate to. My parents were strangers to me.
Six feet.
That’s how far inside the earth they will rot for eternity. They’ll fall to pieces as they decompose into nothing. Teal roses are placed on each coffin one person at a time. Sunlight breaks through the trees as my parents’ oak caskets are lowered into the ground. Mr. Westbrook, First Bethel’s gray-haired associate pastor, begins to pray in his baritone voice, overpowering the orchestra of quiet sobs coming from parishioners. Adriel kneels in her black dress, digging her fingers into the dirt bucket, tossing a handful into each plot. The sound of it hitting the coffins is a shrill ring in my ears.
My mother took everything from me, yet I’m meant to mourn her. She thought her pain was more important than us or the rest of our lives. She’s always been like that, I realize. Her feelings were more significant than mine when she made me be with her. She never cared about anyone other than herself. As a result, me, Dad, Adriel, and Uncle Bennett are paying the price.
I need to get out of here. A raven’s high-pitched call sounds like it’s saying, Run! Run! Run! My hair itches my face, so I shove it away, sprinting from the cemetery as fast as possible. I don’t stop until I’ve reached the grassy patch at the other side of the church.
Just like pushing my head above water, once I’m away from the burial site my lungs inflate, allowing me to fully breathe again. I drop to my knees, gulping in the air.