by Sara Alexi
Petta makes the first move to be released. He straightens and rubs his back. They have been still a long time. As if in agreement, no words are spoken. Marina reaches down for her bag. She pulls it onto her knee and begins to take out gaily wrapped parcels. The pile of parcels grows. Petta picks one up. He holds it closer to read the inscription.
For my beloved son on his twenty-first birthday.
He picks up another.
For my beloved son on his thirteenth birthday.
He looks at the growing pile on the bench between them and begins to count.
‘There are thirty-five,’ Marina says.
Chapter 20
Petta opens one for himself, aged two. It is a blue hand-towel with two butterflies embroidered on it.
‘You know, everyone thinks my nickname “Petalouda” – butterfly – is because I fluttered from girl to girl.’ Petta shakes his head, ‘But Mum and Dad called me it first because you had insisted that I have the hankies you embroidered for me.’ He pauses. ‘Mum said you would come to find me one day.’
Marina takes in the reality that someone else is Petta’s mum. ‘Who is she?’
‘Vasso Mavromati. They have the small farm on the way to the coastal path.’
‘With the white horse under the tree?’
Petta laughs. ‘Yes, but not all the time.’
‘Hello! What are you guys cooking up?’
‘Irini!’ Petta jumps from his seat. ‘Guess who I have found.’
‘Er, Marina?’ Irini smiles and scans the pile of little parcels. She moves closer and picks one up. She reads the inscription.
‘You have to be kidding?’ Irini’s eyes are wide, she starts to take small jumps on the spot.
‘Irini,’ Petta announces in a serious voice. ‘Meet my mother.’
Irini looks from him to her. Her hand reaches out to touch Petta whilst the rest of her moves in to hug Marina.
‘This is fantastic news! Petta, I am so happy for you.’
The three of them ask questions back and forth. Marina encourages him to have thirty-five birthdays all at once. But Petta says he wants to save them. Take it slowly. They chatter on, but it is getting very dark so Irini suggests they move to the house where she has cooked, so there is food if they are hungry. They sit on the terrace outside. The food is almost forgotten but the chilled wine cools them. The warm night air takes the heat off the day. The crickets still sing but the cicadas have stopped now the temperature has dropped. The island is dark. The sky is clear and the stars seem near enough to reach up and touch them.
The night becomes early morning and they are still talking. Details of each other’s lives, events that shaped them. Marina holds nothing back. Her love for him flows wide and sure and strong. She is healing with each breath she takes and every word he speaks to her.
‘So, I have two sisters?’ Petta’s eyes are so bright.
‘Artemis is married and in Athens, and Eleni is here on the island.’
‘Here! On this island?’ He jumps off his seat. ‘We must go see her!’
‘Sit down, you big butterfly! It is two thirty in the morning. Now is not the best time to make a good impression.’ Irini laughs.
‘Two thirty. Oh dear, Zoe will be in bed.’ Marina picks up her empty bag.
‘Marina, lady, Mum, Mother, you need no Zoe. We have a spare room.’ Petta laughs at his own indecision as to how to address her. Irini goes inside the house.
‘Perhaps “Marina” is best.’ Marina blushes.
‘OK, Mum,’ Petta replies. Marina giggles.
Irini returns. ‘Clean sheets on the bed, Mum-in-law-to-be.’
‘Thank you, Irini, and I think I had better go and lie on it or I will never get up in the morning.’ She stands with her empty bag and Petta also stands to give her another hug and a kiss goodnight. Irini shows her to her room.
Marina is the first up. She makes herself a Greek coffee on the camping gas stove by the sink. For years she has made her coffee on a portable camping gas stove, as have all her friends and many of the kafenio owners, who makes hundreds a day. In fact, all of Greece makes Greek coffee this way. Today her lucid mind wonders why. Why use the small stove when there is a cooker? But the question only holds her interest for a second or two. She looks out of the window over to Zoe’s house as she waits for the coffee to boil. The sun is bright and the heat has already begun. A donkey brays and she can hear goat bells up in the hills. A woman in black walks into the square and sits on the bench that Marina sat on the night before. The woman has a silver foil parcel, and the collection of cats that are gathering around her feet offers a clue about the contents.
The woman puts the opened foil on the ground and there are hisses and paw pats until everyone has a piece, and they all stand hunched, protecting their breakfast. Once they have eaten they return to the foil, but it is empty and licked clean. The lady in black wraps up the foil and stands. The cats prowl around her like sharks. She wanders back down the path.
‘Panayia! Oh dear.’ Marina’s coffee boils over and she whips the pan from the stove. There are coffee grounds all over the stove and the sink. But – and Marina is thankful for this – there is enough coffee left in the pan to fill a cup. She cleans the mess and takes it out onto the terrace.
There are birds singing and in the corner of the garden is a lilac bush with butterflies all over it. Black ones and red admirals. The borders need weeding, though, and some flowers need planting. A few annuals would add colour. She makes a mental note to buy some for Petta and Irini but remembers that the house owner is coming back. This thought makes way for the next. If Petta and Irini are without a job with a future, why not have them take over the shop? Marina could retire. Cook the meals, tend the plants, organise the workers for her orange orchards a bit better. It could work out very nicely. With such security, Petta and Irini could get married.
‘Morning, Mom.’ Petta tries an American accent. Marina is on her feet and the two hug again.
‘I’ll make you a coffee,’ Marina offers.
‘Irini’s beat you to it.’ Irini comes out, two cups in hand.
The chatter begins again, clarification of what was said the night before, new snippets they have remembered of their lives that they want to tell. Petta moves the conversation to the future and what that brings them all. At this point Marina offers them the shop and her home to share. They are overwhelmed. Petta asks if she understands what it is that she is offering, security, a future, a home. Marina dismisses it as being useful for her so she can concentrate on arranging the workers in the orange groves better. It will give her time to weed and water the garden, to cook dinner. Petta is lost for words until he says to Irini that they can now get married. Irini begins to cry. He brings out the ouzo to celebrate but it sits untouched as they drink their coffee. The conversation never stops, and Petta remembers about his new-found siblings.
‘So, my sisters! Eleni is here, you say?’
Marina then has the grim duty of telling Petta of the rift that has grown between her and Eleni. But she does not mention yesterday’s revelation of her fear of loving her children. Today, she can love them with all her heart.
‘Then we must fill this rift! We must see her and become a family. I have waited thirty-five years with no brothers or sisters, so there will be no rift big enough to divide us now!’
Petta’s positive attitude smothers Marina’s misgivings. She may feel very different towards Eleni now, but there is no reason for Eleni to feel differently towards her. She wonders if her confession of her secret son will help or hinder.
‘Why so glum?’ Petta asks.
‘You don’t know Eleni. She is like fire, she burns. She shouts and bangs doors and walks away. There is no talking to her.’ Petta offers his own embroidered handkerchief, which makes Marina smile.
‘How many did I leave you with?’
‘I don’t know. I have three left. I wash them by hand so they will last.’ Marina is touched and her tears come f
rom gratitude. ‘Perhaps you need to make me some more?’
Marina chuckles.
‘So, come on, where will we find Eleni?’ Petta stands.
Marina is not ready to face her. She needs to prepare, practise phrasing, making it softer, easier for Eleni to handle. She is not ready. When Petta offers his hand to help her stand she cannot refuse him, but voices her concerns about it being too soon. Petta asks again where Eleni will be.
‘She may be at work or – I don’t know really. Her girlfriend is friends with Panos, who has the barber’s shop.
‘No! Panos, Pan. Then she keeps good company. He was my classmate and a finer man you could not find in all of Greece. Come, let us go see Pan.’
‘But, I …’
‘Leave it to me,’ Petta says as they all mount the stairs up to Panos’ barbershop. ‘Hey, Pan,’ he calls as he gets to the top of the stairs, and the room opens out, the patchwork floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall windows just as stunning as Marina remembers, overlooking the harbour.
The town looks unreal, like a board game. Marina would like an Island version of Monopoly, a game she has played on occasion since they brought out the Greek version. She giggles at the thought. The playing pieces will be a donkey, a water taxi, a handcart. She looks through the windows for more ideas but she finds it difficult to focus as her eyes swim with tears.
‘Hey Petta, how are you running?’ Panos asks in young people’s talk.
Marina chuckles again: you can’t ask old people that, as they cannot run. The chuckle lingers and she realises how nervous she feels.
‘Hello, lady whose son wants to work as a hairdresser on another island …’
Marina feels her cheeks warming. His tone tells her that he never believed her tale. Marina looks around the room, and is relieved no one else is there.
Petta laughs – last night Marina told him the story of her first visit to Panos – before proudly telling Panos who Marina is to him. Panos congratulates her. She thanks him in a formal way, a little embarrassed at having lied to him. But Petta is speaking over the top of them, telling Panos who his sister is. Marina is stunned by his openness, his lack of discretion. She wants him to stop, to think about Eleni, about her. He doesn’t realise what he is doing. Her instinct tells her to leave, but at that moment a happy Irini puts an arm through hers. She is smiling from ear to ear.
Panos says he will call Eleni immediately and picks up his phone.
‘Stop, everyone, stop.’ Marina puts her hands up to halt everything. ‘Eleni is angry with me. This is not the way to deal with it. First I need to address that before we shock her with this news.’
‘Eleni is not angry with you!’ Panos sounds surprised. ‘Eleni is terrified she cannot please you. She has made you sound like some ogre. Although having met you twice I cannot see why.’ He smiles at her. But Marina does not respond; she is thinking of facing Eleni.
‘She wants to please me! My God, she is the one without a flaw! She is perfect! She is funny and bright and confident and independent and all the things I never was. I adore her and all she has to do is breathe and she pleases me. It is I who am trying to please her.’
‘Huh, I wish!’
Marina spins round to see Eleni in the doorway with Anna.
‘Eleni!’
‘Why are you here? To interfere?’
‘No, I have come to try to make things right with you.’ Marina can hear her tone of voice and wishes it didn’t sound so harsh.
‘Mum, we need to talk. But not here, not now. I need to say some things you are not going to like.’
‘Panos, can they borrow your room for a little?’ Petta asks. Panos is already heading for the door. He shows all the signs of being uncomfortable with the situation and cannot wait to leave. He pulls Petta with him and Irini follows. Marina pleads with her eyes for them to stay. Eleni can shout as loud as Manolis used to. Calming Anna hesitates to leave, but Irini pulls on her sleeve and Marina and Eleni are alone. They turn in unison to look down over the harbour. They say nothing. They watch lithe Panos, stocky Petta, tiny Irini and graceful Anna walk across the harbour and sit down outside one of the cafés.
‘Eleni …’ But Marina does not know what she is going to say, and pauses.
‘No, Mum, I need to say something first and then you can decide if you want to say whatever it is you have come here to say.’
‘OK, but I think I know.’
‘You know nothing about me.’ She is shouting already and Marina backs away a little. Eleni steps behind the barber’s chair, a physical rock between them. ‘I have felt very lonely for a long time. I don’t think you know how lonely.’ She drops her head and Marina steps forward to comfort her, but Eleni brings her head up sharply and Marina stops moving. ‘When Dad died I felt lost.’ Marina’s eyes widen. ‘Don’t worry, I know he was no good, but whilst he was alive he was my excuse for why things felt bad.’ Eleni sighs and steps part way around the chair. ‘When he was gone I had no more excuses. I found someone to give me comfort in the village but it wasn’t complete. I still felt lonely. I felt I could not please you. That’s when I ran away to Piraeus.’ Marina opens her mouth to speak but Eleni holds up a warning finger.
‘I found rules and regulations which I understood and they made my life safe, but still something was missing.’ She looks at Marina to see if she understands. Marina is silent and Eleni steps from behind the chair into open ground. ‘I came on a training weekend here, and that is when I found the missing piece. I told you I had found someone who made me feel complete, loved.’ Marina smiles to show her approval. ‘But you talked of weddings and grandchildren and I felt I had let you down.’ Marina shakes her head, but Eleni is looking at the floor. ‘I know Artemis cannot give you the grandchildren you desire.’ She lifts her head, stands with her feet shoulder-width apart, arms by her side as though she is on parade. ‘And I don’t want to – that is not how my life is going to be.’ There is defiance in her voice. Marina opens her mouth again but Eleni hisses a sharp ‘Shh’.
‘Then Petta was nearly killed and I was nearly drowned. I saw how quickly life can be taken from you. That is when I made the decision you must be told.’ Marina takes a step towards her. ‘I cannot go on living my life in half-truth trying to please you, Mum. You will hear the truth and then you can decide how you want to behave and whether you still want to talk to me.’
‘Eleni …’
‘Hush. Mum, you need to know that …’
‘That Anna is your girlfriend?’
‘You know!’
‘Yes, I know, and I liked her from the first time I saw her.’
‘The first time you saw her?’
‘Yes. But, Eleni, it is not I who has to decide if I will talk to you. It is you who must decide if you will talk to me.’
‘What?’
Marina cannot look at Eleni as she says, ‘I have held a secret from you all your life.’ She can feel Eleni’s eyes on her. ‘This secret …’ Marina bites her bottom lip to hold back her emotions; she must say what she must say, with no interruptions. ‘This secret has made me a bad mother …’
‘Oh no!’ Eleni takes a step toward her.
‘Yes, I know it has. It has stopped me loving you as you deserve. I am sorry, so, so sorry, and for this I can never forgive myself, and I can only hope you can understand and forgive me to a degree, although I do not deserve it.’ Marina takes out her handkerchief.
‘Mum, what are you saying? It is I who rejected you, because of Dad, because I couldn’t please you and because I thought you would push me away if you knew about Anna.’
‘No, Eleni, it is I who rejected you and I have kept something very important from you.’
The door opens suddenly.
‘Have you told her yet?’ Petta’s head is visible around the door.
‘Told me what?’ Eleni asks.
‘Your poor mum, they were very mean to her when she found love. She had me and they took me away. I am your brother, Eleni!’
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br /> ‘What the …’ Eleni backs away from Petta, who is advancing with open arms. Marina is frozen in astonishment.
Anna appears at the door. ‘Eleni, are you ok? Petta just told me.’
‘I …’ Eleni looks to her mother and then her new-found brother. ‘So all this time I had my secrets from you, you had even bigger ones from me?’ Marina cannot read Eleni’s emotions and backs away to stay safe.
‘Like mother, like daughter,’ Petta laughs, but neither Eleni or her mother smiles. They each wait for the other’s reaction. The room becomes still. Panos enters quietly. The room is crackling in its silence.
Chapter 21
It is a stand-off. Two and two stand opposite each other. Marina, dressed in faded black, is by the window. Petta is at her side, a pleading look on his face, gazing across at Eleni. Eleni, in her port police uniform, stands rigid. Calm, elegant Anna is by her side, squeezing her hand. Panos stands motionless by the door, contemplating the group, each person waiting to see what the others will do.
Anna notices the dust floating between them, like tiny sparks in the sun’s rays. Swirls and calms, each speck hovering, alive, until it is suddenly snuffed out by a shift in the air.
‘May I say something?’ she asks quietly in the stillness. No one replies. ‘We are all alive. No one has died.’ Everyone, including Panos, who was edging back out of the door, looks at her quizzically. ‘I know Irini, because Irini and I have something in common. Both our parents are dead. They were too young to die, but life sometimes gives no choice and as a consequence Irini and I, from quite separate events and circumstances, are alone in this world.’ Anna closes her mouth and looks at the floor. She has finished her speech.
The air is still now, the dust suspended, undisturbed. No one moves, or coughs, or twitches. The moment feels unbreakable.
‘I had no blood family for thirty-five years,’ Petta exhales loudly. ‘I don’t care who has done what. For me, this is about moving forward.’ The air swirls with his energy.